A
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A FOR ANDROMEDA to ALPHABET ZOO
ALTERNATIVE 3 to THE AVENGERS
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ONE-OFF PRETEND conspiracy documentary about the supposed disappearance of super-intelligent citizens, abducted to start a new civilisation on Mars in the event of a nuclear war. Neat parodies of po-faced WORLD IN ACTION-type stuff; TIM BRINTON was the reporter doing it to your face.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SHOWN ON 1ST APRIL
THE AMATEUR NATURALIST
(1983)
DORLING-KINDERSLEY
DORLING-KINDERSLEY! EH? Anyhow, this was your familiar "home study kit" suggestion box for making the most of the wildlife "in your own backyard" (fat use if you lived in, say, the Gorbals, but who's counting?). GERALD and LEE DURRELL did the spiel.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALWAYS MAKING "BEER TRAPS" FOR SLUGS. WHATEVER KEEPS YOUR MARRIAGE ALIVE, WE GUESS
THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF MORPH
(1982-84)
BBC
THEY REALLY needn't have bothered. As a training sop for junior animators and a stopgap in VISION ON between Tone's New York skyline murals done with paint rollers with bits cut out, the antics of this shape-shifting blob of plasticine bloke thing were OKish. Laden with a story and a can't-be-arsed narration from the boy Hart, it was a thunderously so-so entry in the 5.35 canon. Those supporting characters in full: laid-back "cool dude" Chas, amiable lummox Gillespie, old bloke with beard Grandmorph, a woman whose name we've forgotten but who looked just like Morph but with hair and specs, and a girl made out of tin foil, called Foily, imaginatively. Oh, and there was a scrubbing brush masquerading as a dog, some kind of alien thing, and loads of little blobs of plasticine. Er. Lengthy BLUE PETER features on How They Did The Voice (they speeded up the tape!) did little to galvanise interest. Nasty miaowing-synth theme tune, too.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHAT KIND OF ADVENTURE CAN A BIT OF PLASTICINE HAVE, ANYWAY? GET BACK IN THAT BOX, NOW
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
(1978)
FRIES-GOODMAN
OLD HAT blue and red swingy leotard bloke was played by NICK HAMMOND in laughably bad effects-driven bollockfest which was a series and two dire TV movies. Oh, but there WAS that theme to helpfully inform us that Spider-man (Spider-man) "does whatever a spider can." Look out, here come a million playground "blue" versions.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEE ALSO SPIDER-MAN AND HIS SINGULARLY LESS THAN AMAZING FRIENDS
THE AMAZING WORLD OF KRESKIN
(MID 1970s)
WEIRDO SPECCOID Canadian mind reader who turned up for about ten minutes with confusing and unimpressive mind trickery. See also above entry and JUST AMAZING! for giveaway crappiness indication provided by THAT word.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IN THIS SEALED ENVELOPE IS A PIECE OF PAPER. I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT ON THIS PIECE OF PAPER WOULD BE DRAWN...A BOAT." AND BLOW ME DOWN, THERE WAS THE FUCKING BOAT. IMPRESSED? PERHAPS PAUL DANIELS WAS.
THE AMAZING WORLD OF PROFESSOR KITZEL
(1982-86)
ITV
LITTLE-KNOWN SEMI-EDUCATIONAL morning cartoon filler which began with the moustachioed titular prof in his lab introducing a wacky, sub-Wilf Lunn invention to the kids. The he went something like "That reminds me! The ancient Aztecs used to..." and unveiled his "time machine", which did a bit of psychedelic business before introducing a very staid and sober still-drawings-plus-measured-narration item on some piece of historical semi-interest. Then it was back to the lab, where the prof demonstrated his invention, which always blew up. You saw it coming...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BRING BACK WATTOO WATTOO
...AND MOTHER MAKES THREE/FIVE
(1971-73, 1974-76)
THAMES
NUTS AND BOLTS RE-HEATING of NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN with WENDY CRAIG once again allotted role reversal "man of the household" status as Sally Harrison, juggling ever present kids/pets/interfering relations/lecherous lotharios in starchly pressed suits. Single mother whimsy, but Sally was a widow, so that made it OK. Tied knot at end of ...THREE, making it even more OK, and as Sally Redway ushered in headscarf housewife era of ...FIVE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CRAIG ALSO WROTE SEVERAL EPISODES UNDER NOM DE PLUME JOHNNY MARR. WHAT DIFFERENCE DID IT MAKE?
AND NOW THE GOOD NEWS
(1978)
BBC
OUR FIRST SIGHTING in this A-Z of the sainted STILGOE. Here the man had a full half hour to fill, week after week, with, yup, the topical comedy song. Unfairly maligned still, Rich was always at his best behind a piano rather than exhorting kids to do things "with scissors and glue", and here we got what we wanted: unadorned tunesmithery of a cheery, things-aren't-all-that-bad-despite-it-being-the-winter-of-discontent bent.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I WONDER HOW THIS FIVE PER CENT PAY FREEZE MIGHT AFFECT THE COOKS WORKING IN JIM CALLAGHAN'S KITCHEN? HERE'S SOME MUSICAL FOOD FOR THOUGHT..."
MEDICAL MARATHON based in hospital St Angela's - do you see? - with usual soft-centred sob stories swapped for grime, grit and grumblings. FIONA FULLERTON and LESLEY DUNLOP led the charge. Also spotted "doing the rounds": JOANNA MUNRO, PAULINE QUIRKE and KATHRYN "ONE OF DIRTY DEN'S BITS" APANOWICZ.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DRY RUN FOR EASTENDERS PRODUCER JULIA SMITH
ANGLIA THROUGH THE NIGHT
(1987-90)
ANGLIA
BOLD TWILIGHT TIME escapades for Fen-dwelling insomniacs. PHIL FOTHERGILL (chubbier northern Rodney Bewes) and PAUL LAVERS (smarmy Nigel Havers impersonator) linked your usual whatever's-on-the-shelves pot pourri, notable for relating to viewer(s) the entire plot of each episode of PRISONER: CELL BLOCK H ahead of its screening. Lavers last spotted on a different cable shopping channel every week; location of Fothergill unknown.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."UP NEXT, SOMETHING FOR YOU, PAUL: JOBFINDER"
DON SPENCER (king of charabancs and the FIREBALL XL5 theme) took time off from PLAY SCHOOL and the dreaded HOKEY COKEY to bung together this half-hearted HEADS AND TAILS wannabe plus dreary animation. Less than sparkling on a Wednesday afternoon.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHAT BECAME OF THE MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY?" WE DON'T CARE, DON
ANIMAL KWACKERS
(MID 1970s)
ATV
BRITISH VERSION of the BANANA SPLITS, where none was really needed. Midlands-oriented quartet of musical blokes-in-pantomime-animal-skins, Bongo, Rory, Twang and Boots, descended in animated titles from a flying saucer (this angle was never referred to in the programme), to regale kids with bland songs and a Jackanorian illustrated story about their "adventures". Then they all fucked off back into the sky, in tacit admittance of the all-too-obvious fact that they needn't have bothered. Travelling roadshow played a reasonable alternative to crappy pantos with Isla St. Clair and Little And Large, but not by much.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RORY, RORY, TELL US A... OH, SOD YOU
MILD-MANNERED MENAGERIE of human foes masquerading as zany zoo awareness initiative that went the way of, well, zoos. JOHNNY MORRIS was the "Keeper", forever chatting very very slowly with his apes and hippos (who had either timid, falsetto whines or slow, bassy "Oooh, hullo Johnny" voices) with no mouths moving on fauna or keeper. Perhaps that's what killed it off. Later acquired colour, psychedelic wah-wah version of the original cha-cha theme and TERRY NUTKINS as sidekick, but still majored on very very slow features, typified by lethargic sealion mascot GEMINI, as commemorated in song by Morris. Soldiered on bravely with epic dolphins-in-lorry saga and rockhopper penguin as in-studio foil, but culled in merciful early 80s costcutting bonanza that also did for CRACKERJACK.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HULLO, HIPPO..."
ANIMALS IN ACTION
(1983)
ANGLIA
NOT EXACTLY an obvious choice for a footage-reusing potboiler, this weird show-of-two-halves started off with old SURVIVAL footage of, say, a Golden Eagle catching a trout or something, then - oh what? - suddenly we're back in the studio, with a soft-spoken grey haired bloke (KEITH SHACKLETON) at a drawing board, who then proceeds to show us exactly how to draw that bird/fish encounter. Wahey.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND THE BEAK COMES DOWN HERE..."
ANNIKA
(1984)
CENTRAL/SVERIGES TV2 OND BALTIC PRODUCTIONS GESTALT
ABOVE AVERAGE ISLE of Wight euromance with JESSE "ELDORADO" BIRDSALL as a "hard" sub-MURPHY'S MOB punky kiddo who falls for top Agnetha-atyle Swedish crumpola CHRISTINA RIGNER. Then he sneaks back to Stockholm on the ferry, and it gets REALLY tricky!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRIT BY COLIN NUTLEY
ANYTHING WE CAN DO...
(1983)
CHANNEL 4
DRAMATISED VERSION of THE GOOD LIFE with home computers. Lower-middle-class, lower-middle-aged couple (JOHN BLEASDALE and HELEN WATSON) move into a new house and contend with dramatised dramas of the sort that would face any starter home resident. Most interesting episode was when they bought a Commodore Pet, or possibly an Apple II? Either way, it was an odd shape and drew a green alien in a maze on the screen. A lot. Much talk about using the computer "in your home as much as at work", so you got Bleasdale's dad (MIKE HALLS) happily programming a ZX81 to open and close his greenhouse shutters while sonny boy struggled with a primitive spreadsheet programme (max. 50 columns).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THAT EARLY '80S 'HOME COMPUTER' BOOM STARTS HERE; FOR NEXT CHAPTER SEE THE COMPUTER PROGRAMME
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO
(1969-74)
ITV IN THE REGIONS, AND HOW!
A DEVOUTLY devolved kids' talent contest, pitting region against region in a knockout contest compered initially by ED "STEWPOT" STEWART, and latterly by CHRIS KELLY, on a mission to discover which ITV region held the most variously talented 12-14-year-olds (latterly 10-16 years). The Junior Television Trophy and an all-expenses-paid weekend in Paris were the prizes on offer, a NEW FACES-esque celebrity panel judged the efforts, and the first edition kicked off with a bout between Grampian and Tyne-Tees. The odd thing was, anything was grist to their talent mill - "singing, dancing, playing an instrument, acting, painting, writing poetry...anything!" - giving the affair a strange apples and oranges vibe. Celeb judges included THE SCAFFOLD, THE PAPER DOLLS, MIKE YARWOOD, LEW CHRISTIE, AYSHEA and BRIAN BENNET, and HANK MARVIN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY FOR US?" "GREENSLEEVES" "MARVELLOUS!"
AUSTRALIAN EPIC re-telling sterling Oz exploits in World War One, specifically gruesome slaughter at Gallipoli. Strong stuff, but weirdly flung out over here on weekday afternoons post-NEIGHBOURS, before given a proper airing some time later in the evening. Memorable oom-pah title theme, moving expertly from brass band cacophony (join the crusade!) all the way down to solo flute (war is hell!)
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GRISLY SCHOOL SKIVE VIEWING; WHERE'S AFTERNOON PLUS GONE?
NIGHTMARE-INDUCING PRODUCTION, shown to kids in school assemblies to learn them of the dangers of arseing about with dangerous farming equipment. Narrated by a teenager and concerning a group of his mates playing on a farm, who proceed to get killed in the most uncompromising manner imaginable for 9.30 in the morning: one's chopped up in a combine harvester, one drinks some poison, one drives over the cliff in a tractor, and one has his head smashed in by a heavy metal gate post. Beat singing hymns out of Come And Praise, that's for sure.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO LONGER APPROPRIATE FOR VIEWING, BECAUSE NO-ONE PLAYS OUTDOORS ANYMORE
THE APHRODITE INHERITANCE
(1979)
BBC
ONE OF THE BEEB'S many 1970s Mediterranean thrillers bundled out during winter to cheer people up and which made no sense whatsoever but which you wanted to stay up and watch all the same. Here dark-haired chap (PETER MCENERY) goes to Cyprus to encounter much strangeness, including ALEXANDRA BASTEDO, a spooky Dracula-like waiter and a jolly restaurateur/wine merchant. "There's a lot of things I don't understand," one of them mutters. "Your part in this, for instance." "All we have to find out is who took the money and where it is now." "But who? And why?" "It doesn't make sense." "Unless..." "Someone is using you." And so on. Oddness included the waiter slipping our teetotal hero some alcohol and a crime scene with bodies and money strewn everywhere magically cleaning itself up once dark-hair takes a doubting, fat policeman to see. Ending was top: Alexandra goes missing, presumed drowned, and McEnery heads back to London. Cut to a beach, and three godly statues toasting his plane as it roars overhead. One is of Morpheus, looking uncannily like the waiter, one is of Bacchus, again bearing a strange resemblance to the restaurateur chap and the final one is of Aphrodite, looking like...work it out. Your Dad thought this was twaddle.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THERE MUST BE SOMEONE HERE ON CYPRUS WE CAN TRUST!"
THE HAIRY cornflake himself, DAVE LEE TRAVIS, presented this timely one-off anthology of hoaxes and ruses for kids. Hardly ground-breaking. Written and devised by JEREMY BEADLE, setting template for the superior EUREKA! and THE DECEIVERS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IN 1953, RICHARD DIMBLEBY AND THE PANORAMA TEAM..."
ARE YOU BEING SERVED?
(1972-85)
BBC
LIFE IN THE most uncommercial, threadbare-looking department store in the world which somehow managed to stay in business for 13 years on a budget of jokes about tits, homosexuals and "sales drives". Every single one of the 689,000 episodes had the same plot. Miss Brahms (PAULINE FOWLER) complains about working conditions to boss Captain Peacock (FRANK THORNTON). She alludes to her breasts ("I want to know my future's in front of me") and so does he ("Yes, er, you certainly have a couple of points there"). Mrs Slocombe (MOLLIE SUDGEN) arrives in the lift and makes reference to her genitals ("Ooh, it's raining buckets outside - my pussy was soaked through this morning"). Mr Humphreys (JOHN INMAN) steps out of a nearby closet and makes a reference to his genitals ("Ooh, I had a terrible night - it took me three hours to get off"). Peacock issues instructions to ensure latest "sales drive" works. Everyone grumbles. Either Mr Lucas (TREVOR BANNISTER) or Mr Spooner (MIKE "BLUE RIBAND BLUES" BERRY) leers after passing crumpet. Mr Grainger (ARTHUR BROUGH) moans about his back. Pauline falls over, Mollie gets stuck up a ladder with Frank's head under her skirt, John - after declaring himself ready and available - dresses up as a gay, and 150-year-old Young Mr Grace comes in and says "you've all done very well". The End. Every bloody week.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE CASH-REGISTER ADORNED SONG, "GROUND FLOOR, TELEPHONES, GENTS' READY-MADE SUITS, SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES, GOING UP..." WAS EASILY THE BEST BIT
AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS
(1989)
BBC
"CAIRO? CAIRO? One. One! One way! Yes, just one. One way!" It's frightening to think this glorious, nerve-wracking, avuncular, dignity-shredding, heart-stopping epic gallivant around the planet was first offered to ALAN WHICKER, MILES KINGTON and even NOEL EDMONDS before the Beeb mercifully picked up the phone to place a conveniently on-camera call to MICHAEL PALIN. Originally it was going to be done live, with daily satellite updates beamed back into, presumably, WOGAN, GOING LIVE and, erm OPEN AIR. This was quickly junked for what we got: a stunning set of films plotting Palin's progress around the globe against the clock, the weather, the vagaries of shipping merchants, the machinations of trouser-eating parrots, unexpected bombs and the impenetrable expectations of dozens of besuited customs officials. Demented missions, including joining a gang of rubbish-collectors on a Venice gondola, working in the kitchens on ferry to Alexandria, sampling a giant pipe in a Cairo cafe and landing a walk-on in an Egyptian film ("Once again for me, I think!") were thrown in just in case we got bored of seeing Mike walking on and off boats. Which we didn't, because it was Mike, and he was clearly having the time of his life, marvelling at unexpected sights then essaying more bits of business involving recalcitrant irons, handkerchiefs and Bruce Springsteen-loving dhow boatman. You almost wanted him not to succeed so he'd have to do it all over again. Later efforts - POLE TO POLE, FULL CIRCLE and so on - were fun enough but missed the gut-level race-against-time adrenalin awash here. Now what was it again, sir: one? Just one?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BUT I'VE JUST COME FROM THAT QUEUE! AND NOW I HAVE TO GO BACK AGAIN!"
AROUND THE WORLD WITH WILLY FOG
(1987)
BRB INTERNACIONAL, S.A.
THE TIME: THE mid-80s. The place: a children's TV production meeting. One exec pipes up: "Hey, I've got a great idea for a cartoon! Why not take some old classic book, one that's out of copyright, and just have all the characters played by animals!" Ensuing production lasts 100 episodes or so and involves erstwhile dignified city gent Phileas Fogg become, er, a lion who bets he can travel around the world in less than eighty days enlisting the help of French butler Rigadon, a beaver/bear thing, and Tico, a Spanish mouse who lived in Rigadon's hat. En route they contrive to rescue an Indian princess who is a grey cat with lipstick but who's somehow as big as Fogg and who is about to be slaughtered by a religious sect. The pair fall in love and get married, but not before outwitting the machinations of a bizarre wolf/dog, The Insidious Transfer, who is supposedly a master of disguise but can't help his eyes gleaming at inappropriate moments, plus two bumbling police canines. Opening sequence had entire freakish menagerie marching a la DAD'S ARMY titles over an image of Big Ben while unnamed chorus crooned inaccurate promise of "finding a pot of gold".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JERKY ANIMATION STYLE? BADLY DUBBED VOICES? MEANINGLESS SONGS? WHO ELSE BUT THE FOLKS WHO ALSO BROUGHT YOU DOGTANIAN!
THE ART OF LANDSCAPE
(1989-91)
CHANNEL 4
THE TEST CARD? PAGES FROM CEEFAX? Bugger that - C4 had its own special way to pretend it was still broadcasting even though everybody had pissed off home. Basically, it was a set of pictures of fields and that (hence the name), accompanied by light classical music or, alternatively, "contemporary" "New Age" stuff. This went on for up to three hours at a time and often surfaced when the schools programmes were off the air, leaving an awkward two and a half hour gap in the morning schedules. Disappeared from the schedules around the early 90s when people realised they could just listen to Classic FM and read a copy of Country Life instead. Made a surprise comeback on the morning of Princess Diana's death, when Sister Sister or David Cronenberg's Crash were considered unsuitable. Art of Landscape fans expected another revival when the Queen Mum snuffed it but were sadly disappointed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OFTEN COUPLED WITH 4-TEL ON VIEW IN A MARATHON "OF COURSE IT'S NOT PAGES FROM CEEFAX AND A TEST CARD - LOOK, THEY'RE MOVING AND EVERYTHING" MORNING SESSION
THE ART OF ORIGAMI
(1970-72)
YORKSHIRE
ONE GREAT big monster of a weekday afternoon craftfest, featuring bloke with folded paper fetish ROBERT HARBIN, and assistant Yasuko Nagazumi. "Crab" and "Flapping bird" a speciality; more complex were Noah's Ark, a Chinese junk and a 'kneeling nun'. Amateur origamists were present in the studio to ask questions of the Master. Released pads of coloured paper, printed with markings for the folds, to coincide. Available from all good craft and bookshops, price £1.99. Directed by JESS YATES.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND THESE THREE FOLDS MAKE UP THE 'WATER BOMB BASE'"
FUCKING ODD (and slightly laughable) pretentio-fest 'bout - yes, it's the eighties - an apocalyptic war with angry Gods, mucky sods, blethering loudspeakers, dry ice, model buildings and flabby classical references. STING played "Asreal". HYWELL "SHELLEY" BENNETT was a sci-fi writer. Half of its three-hour running time was spent on a North Sea ferry (TRIANGLE) where everyone topped themselves. Pompous sci-fi in the eighties manner, though not badly done for early 80s BBC.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DAVID RUDKIN WROTE
ARTHUR C CLARKE'S MYSTERIOUS WORLD
(1980)
YORKSHIRE
DOTTY SCI-FI guru and thing inventor introduced this "crazy world" series from his plush Sri Lankan retreat, linking clips of Bermuda triangles, Loch Ness Monsters and Peruvian UFO runways in the usual dry manner. Glass skull thing span around in the titles. THE GOODIES did nifty send-up. Market later cornered by the likes of Frost and Vorderman.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NARRATION SUPPLIED BY CHOCOLATE-VOICED GORDON HONEYCOMBE
ARTHUR OF THE BRITONS
(1972-73)
HTV
MUDDY REWORKING of sprawling Arthurian swordsplay with OLIVER TOBIAS as The Nation's Hero. BRIAN BLESSED showed up as a shouting Mark of Cornwall, Elmer Bernstein supplied authentic "sweeping" soundtrack.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PROPER HORSES AN' ALL
AS IT HAPPENS
(1990-92)
CHANNEL 4
SHOESTRING SPECTACULAR from a time when pointing a camera at anything and allowing people to see it was somehow the most thrilling thing in the world. Utilised by a cash-strapped C4 to clog up some of its daytime schedules when schools programmes weren't on. Early editions had either MICHAEL GROTH or PADDY HAYCOCKS spending a couple of hours strolling around London Zoo or the West End with camera and microphone in tow, seeing what happened and broadcasting the entire proceedings live, erm, as it happened. Which, at times, was bugger all. Or involved something going wrong. But that was why you watched, frankly, rather than for the pre-arranged interviews with colourful people with stories to tell. Soon mutated into a trans-global epic, spending 90 minutes each Saturday night in a different foreign city. Now PETE MCCARTHY and ANDY KERSHAW alternated as hosts, the former ambling around like an innocent abroad, the latter forever heading down the first dark alley in sight and swearing profusely. Terrible things went wrong, and more than once a C4 continuity announcer back in London had to take over as pictures and sound were lost. Which was, of course, exactly what you wanted. One-offs continued through the 90s, but not in the same spirit or with the same point (Mark Lamarr ushering in the New Year "as it happens" from Jamaica?). Much missed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NOW IF I JUST GO DOWN HERE...OH."
A COUPLE of billion years squashed into 13 episodes and a cross-hatched jacket with leather elbow patches. DR JACOB BRONOWSKI was your host, alternately striding across and squatting in dozens of dustbowls, excavated saunas and giant clockfaces. Title emphatically implied this was a man's world and here was a man doing it his way, to wit, long rambling perorations to camera interspersed with long-haul flights to the four corners of the known world with barely another human face in sight. Our host's hunched joviality and willingness to saunter through the craggiest of mudflats in best smoking room finery helped soften the sense of being kept behind after school - that, plus the fact he spent the final episode simply wandering around his own home, picking up objects and talking about them; an approach sorely lacking from the likes of Tonight With Trevor McDonald.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TEXTBOOK TEXTBOOKERY
ASIAN MAGAZINE
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
WITTILY TITLED Sunday morning sub-continent news magazine, with fondly-remembered frantic tabla theme replicated with much difficulty on selection of household cushions.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHAT THEY DID IN PEBBLE MILL AT THE WEEKENDS
THE GREAT ASP appeared in front of a giant balsa and Fuzzy Felt (TM) speech bubble. We gathered round. He sat down in a comfortable leather chair. We hushed. He introduced requested clips of television shows past and present. We watched in awe. Then LWT came a-calling with bags of cash and the promise of some Telethons. Asp buggered off. To this day Mike exasperatedly points out that correspondents would inevitably begin their letters "Dear Ask", thinking that he was called Ask Aspel.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BRING IT BACK NOW!
ASK NO QUESTIONS
(1987)
YORKSHIRE
WEIRD AS you like JOHN JUNKIN-fronted celebrity panel game, in the time-honoured weekday 5:15 ITV mould. The guests would have to guess the secret (i.e. wacky occupation) of a member of the Great British Public, but, get this, they weren't allowed to ask any questions. Instead, they would have to make suggestions, which would be classified by Junkin as relevant or irrelevant. Not a ratings-winner, unsurprisingly chiefly due to the bafflingly unwieldy format.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE WENT "ASK NO QUESTIONS, TELL NO LIES!". YOU DON'T SAY.
THE HOME COUNTIES' most preposterously erudite home-owners starred in this audience-free parlour-esque intellectual joustathon. Title sequence featured animated "royal" playing cards to signify members of the nuclear family. SIR ROBERT ROBINSON was your avuncular quizmaster ticking off "musical" rounds, "historical" rounds, the infamous "mother and eldest son/father and youngest child" pairings, the legendary "close-up of a tin opener, ooh, what can it be?" observation round, and of course the white-on-black hand-operated diagrams, by "Eric" (no relation to SWAP SHOP "assistant" of same name). Theme tune was 'Acka Raga'.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LESS SAID ABOUT SHITTY DICK AND DOM-HELMED REVIVAL THE BETTER
TOUTED AS ITV's premier chat bunker, here was Lord Asp cosely domiciled in LWT Towers entertaining the great and the good with charm and flair. Made the life of a talk show host look piss easy - until the likes of OLIVER REED and the triple-dickhead beast that was STALLONE/WILLIS/SCHWARZANEGGER started hijacking proceedings for own selfless purposes. Got Thatcher to admit to always "being on the job", but did a bit too much oogling of lady guests for our liking.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LATER SWAPPED ONE KIND OF HANDLING DECREPID RELICS FOR ANOTHER
ASSAULTED NUTS
(1985)
CHANNEL 4
ANGLO-YANKEE LATE night comedy from the Four's early days featuring TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR, BARRY CRYER, a usually scantily-clad CLEO ROCOS, plus a multitude of American performers including WAYNE "NEWMAN!" KNIGHT, who went on to become the fat bloke downstairs in Seinfeld.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LIKE THE KENNY EVERETT SHOW, BUT WITHOUT KENNY EVERETT. SO NOT REALLY MUCH POINT TO IT, THEN.
ASTERIX THE GAUL
(LATE 1960s ONWARDS)
GOSCINNY AND Uderzo's pint-sized French pugilist and nemesis of the Roman Empire was serialised on many a holiday morn, Asterix the Gaul and Asterix and Cleopatra being the two most-repeated tales (originally French cinema features, both were diced into bite-sized morsels and spread over a couple of weeks in July by the Beeb). Sadly the merry adventures of Obelix, Dogmatix, Getafix, Vitalstatistix, Unhygenix (fishmonger), Cacophonix (bard) and Fulliautomatix (blacksmith) lost something in translation. Or rather, they didn't gain what the original English book translators (unsung heroes Anthea Bell and Derek Hockridge) added, namely loads of verbal asides, quips and UK-specific references to fill in the gaps when the original French wit proved untranslatable. Thanks to the films using other hands, so not only did all that go, but the great English versions of the names went too (druid Getafix becoming Panoramix). More books were adapted into films, and still are, though with largely diminishing returns. Watchable though they are, you really can't beat the originals.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ACE "ROM-PEPOM-POM-POOOOOM-POM" THEME, HOWEVER
THREE ASTRONAUTS live in first-ever all-British space station, interrupted in their musings by US ground control boss called Beadle. Much muted humour concerning boredom, irritation and sexual tension (one woman, two men). Co-starred a dog called Bimbo. Scripted by Goodies GRAEME GARDEN and BILL ODDIE in uncharacteristically sedate mode.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MORE LAUGHS THAN 'FROM THE TOP', MIND
ASTRONUT
(LATE 1960s)
TERRY TOONS
SEMINAL FIVE MINUTE episodes in life of friendly cartoon purple teardrop-shaped antenna sporting Astro, plus long-suffering Earth "pal" Oscar Mild. Comfortingly regular schedule "interlude" between PLAY SCHOOL and JACKANORY. Oscar boasted two strands of hair a la Homer Simpson; would be discovered eating reassuringly everyday lunch on park bench, before Astro wielded new panacea type gadget from outer arms of galaxy misguidedly intended to alleviate backward human domestic drudgery - with hapless results. Much missed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ANOTHER TIME ASTRO WON SOME MONEY, BUT ATE IT RATHER THAN SPENT IT
THE SCOURGE of many a small child struggling to learn an outsize musical instrument, the mind-etchingly named ATARAH BEN-TOVIM took the ex-hippie big sister approach with this kids-in-studio, one instrument a show introductory pap. Story about each instrument. Oboe edition generally regarded as worst of the bunch.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GUIRO CONTROVERSIALLY OMITTED ON GROUNDS OF "NOT BEING AN INSTRUMENT"
THE A-TEAM
(1983-88)
UNIVERSAL/STEPHEN J. CANNELL
A REDUNDANT entry, really. What's to say? Wanted for a crime they didn't commit, maximum security stockade, if you can find them, etc. etc. Developed the cartoony stock plot to great levels of standardisation - some nasty pseudo-communist/mafia gang would beat up locals, the 'Team would arrive and see them off "for now", then the ever-feckless Amy would be captured, they'd try to rescue her (usually Face - DIRK BENEDICT - with a "clever disguise" i.e. a stick-on 'tache) then the final showdown, with modified attack vehicle driven by BA (MR T) and made by comedy mentally-handicapped person Murdoch (DWIGHT SCHULTZ). Then GEORGE PEPPARD would go "I love it when a plan comes together," while smoking a cigar and wearing a crocodile outfit. But then, you already knew that. Other well-worn gimmicks included "hilarious" rivalry 'twixt "Howlin' Mad" and BA, and Baracus's tiresome "I ain't goin' on no plane"/"Here, drink this milk"/"Zzzzzzz" routine. MIKE POST-penned theme tune, of the highest order. Maybe you remember the advert for the plastic figures? "The A-Team!/They're soldiers of fortune/The A-Team!/Helping people in need/You can pretend that you're Hannibal, Murdoch or Face/Or maybe BA Baracus, you know each one is an ace!/Each is sold separately, with rifle and gear/When there's trouble to face, you know the A-Team's here!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEE ALSO MR. T (IF YOU MUST) AND BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (EARLY ATTEMPT AT POSTMODERN PISSTAKING AS FACE RECOGNISES CYLON AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS IN CREDITS)
ODD CARTOON short about an accident-prone sort of orange testicle-man with big floppy nose, who had various stereotypical adventures. Drove collapsing car over cliff in clanky old title sequence.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PFFFFFFFFFF
AUF WIEDERSEHEN, PET
(1983-86)
WITZEND PRODUCTIONS/CENTRAL
ENDURING TRAGICOM FROM THE pens of Likely Lads Clement/La Frenais with a load of brickies making their way across to Germany in an attempt to find work outside of mad, bad Thatcher's Britain (TM). Starred TIM "TICKLE ON THE TUM" HEALY as leader of the pack Dennis, KEVIN "LEWIS!!" WHATLEY as sensible but determined Neville, faux-country star JIMMY "CROCODILE SHOES" NAIL as hard-drinking, hard-swearing and just hard Oz (all Geordies to the hilt), TIMOTHY SPALL as fawning Brummie Barry, ex-wrestler PAT ROACH as third-person-speaking Bristolian Bomber, GARY HOLTON as Wayne/London, and later CHRISTOPHER FAIRBANK as Moxey, the scouser with bad skin. 13-parter saw ver lads get up to all sorts of alcohol-related japery and brick-laying in Dusseldorf. Fantastic stuff, especially with GRANGE HILL's Mr. Bronson as Hitler-style site foreman. Second series introduced Newcastle hoodlum Ally Fraser, who had the boys renovating his stately home in the Midlands, then took them to sunny Spain for more building and drinking. Holton died of a drug overdose during filming, which led to the series being peppered with long shots of Wayne/London-lookalikes. In the late 80s it was inexplicably repeated at 7:30pm in handy twice-weekly, half-hour segments, which meant that it had to be 'abridged', basically to remove anything Crocodile Shoes said - e.g. "Bollocks, man!" 2000s revival saw the blokes schlepping over to the States to build a bridge over a canyon (which was great fun) and then to Cuba for some Castro-related chicanery (which wasn't).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YER KISS THE DAMES BUT YER DON'T ASK THEIR NAMES, THAT'S LIVIN' ALRIGHT! YER PLAY THE GAME, THEN IT'S AUF WIEDERSEHEN, THAT'S LIVIN' ALRIGHT! YER KEEP A LITTLE HERE, JUST TO KEEP YOU IN BEER, THAT'S LIVIN' ALRIGHT!"
AUGGIE DOGGIE AND DOGGIE DADDY
(LATE 1960s)
HANNA-BARBERA
BASICALLY WHAT it says. Dad-son team of canines, father with Jimmy Durante voice, son always going "dear ol' dad of mine!" etc. Mayhem ensued, no doubt, on a regular basis.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONE SOLE MEMORABLE SCENE INVOLVED A DUCK DRINKING WATER ENDLESSLY
AUTOMAN
(1984)
GLEN A. LARSON (HURRAH FOR GLEN A. LARSON!)
WAHEY-EFFECTS STYLE kiddery with limp computer-operating cop Walter (DESI ARNEZ JNR) creating super electronic crimefighter bloke by a patchily-explained process, along with comedy sidekick "Cursor", who turns into a neon car, neon helicopter and neon tennis ball thing. Automan himself (CHUCK WAGNER!) was spangly leotearded but with normal head. Disappeared at night when people of the city turned on lights, electric toothbrushes etc., thereby draining his power (rather large drawback for a super-hero). Pretty much arse, really.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AUTOCAR" WAS SLEEK GLOWING LAMBORGHINI COUNTACH WITH GULL-WING DOORS. IT TURNED AT 90 DEGREE ANGLES. (WHAT, LIKE IN TRON?)
THE AVENGERS
(1961-69)
ABC
THE FORMAT might have been through the mill countless times, but when it got itself sorted, this was close to the best damn thing on telly. Way back at the beginning the whole thing was taped as live: a bonkers idea that had PATRICK MACNEE, aka John Steed, inching out of shot at the earliest opportunity in order to swap his cumbersome mackintosh for a lightweight morning suit ready for the next scene. Plots involving private zoos and crates of rotting fruit singularly failed to reel in many viewers, but as least the episodes had ace titles like 'Nightmare', 'Square Root Of Evil' and 'The Tunnel Of Fear'. The decade rolled on and some supposedly stereotype-bashing judo/leather business came and went, though given it was all still as-live HONOR BLACKMAN (Cathy Gale) shared top billing with Stunt Man In Blonde Wig. '65 saw a Connery-bound Blackman switched for the magnificent DIANA RIGG (Emma Peel) and here everything clicked into place helped by loads more money and pre-recorded escapades. New titles, new gimmicks, acres of new wardrobes and endless flipping between spy thriller, science fiction and telefantasy all helped, despite proceedings almost always ending up unravelling into a long car chase around the Shire counties. By now loads of people were watching, and even more were talking about it, so when a Lazenby-bound Rigg pissed off the self-appointed power that was, Brian "BUGS" Clemens, pressed on regardless. Sadly what followed was pretty dire: MacNee suddenly looked wrinkled, new sidekick LINDA "20 YEARS OLD" THORSON seemed to have only read her script first thing that morning, and PATRICK NEWELL was conscripted in to play dopey boss Mother, seemingly purely to trot out "Mother knows best" gags. JOHN CLEESE even showed up to dust down his besuited lunatic turn. It all ended with MacNee and Thorson being blasted into space for no reason - "They'll be back!". And they were: see THE NEW AVENGERS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."PATRICK MACNEE'S SUITS DESIGNED BY HIMSELF"
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