A
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A FOR ANDROMEDA to ALPHABET ZOO
ALTERNATIVE 3 to THE AVENGERS
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EPONYMOUS FEMO-BOT spawned by malevolent machine made of giant spinning tape loops and teleprinters proceeds to run (slowly) amok in a Top Secret Government Laboratory on a Remote Scottish Island. Crinkle-faced shiny-haired boffins are powerless to do anything but clasp their hands to their bespectacled moon faces. Turns out Mrs Replica (JULIE CHRISTIE) has - gasp! - a human side, thanks to the fact a) she is a woman and b) she has her clanky head turned by the dapper Professor John Fleming (PETER HALLIDAY). Titular constellation is also to blame, by dint of sending signals to earth which spell out the instruction manual for making an evil bastard computer. Sequel, THE ANDROMEDA BREAKTHROUGH, found Fleming, his cyber missus (now regenerated into SUSAN HAMPSHIRE) and "scheming sidekick" Madeline (MARY MORRIS) taken prisoner in a Middle East state for propaganda purposes (topical) and made to destroy the ozone layer (ditto). Faulty machinery once again to blame.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...YOU JUST CAN'T GET THE PARTS
ABOUT BRITAIN
(1972-84)
ITV REGIONS - THE WHOLE BLOODY LOT OF THEM
DOLEFUL LOOK-AT-THIS "local people with a story to tell" effort showcasing regionalia in as lumpen a manner possible on a budget made up of whatever was left in the float after deducting the local weatherperson's Luncheon Vouchers. Various ITV regions joined in, more, you suspected, out of duty rather than love. The original series, ABOUT BRITAIN: TOUR, cleared its throat by way of Tyne Tees taking us around Northumberland, the Yorkshire Dales and the Borders. Then HTV came up with The Splendour Falls, touring Wales. In '73, a more changeable round robin format allowed each company one or several weeks' worth of bucolic biggings-up - Walking Westward, Jorrocks Country, Lullaby of Broadland, etc. By '74 it was a pretty much immovable feature of the afternoon weekday schedules, although because it was ITV there was always one too many "take me as you find me" crinkle-faced shouting tinkers for comfort. Highlight was the bit in the titles when, thanks to mysterious primitive computer magic, an electronic spinning map (foreshadowing textbook Peter Snow's "There they go!" business) honed in on the relevant region ("I bet it's East Anglia again" etc.) to a defiantly mid-70s parping band. None of which failed to stop episodes being repeated in the coveted 4am slot until at least 1989.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."TO MOST PEOPLE, LUNDY IS JUST A NAME HEARD ON WEATHER-FOR-SHIPPING FORECASTS. IN REALITY, IT IS A TINY ISLAND OFF THE COAST OF NORTH DEVON, AND HOME FOR 25 PEOPLE. TODAY, CLIVE GUNNELL VISITS SOME OF THEM, LOOKS AT THE CASTLE OF HENRY III, THE CAVE WHERE THE MONEY FROM THE ROYAL MINT WAS HIDDEN DURING THE CIVIL WAR AND THE NORTH LIGHTHOUSE."
"DON'T, DON'T, DON'T give up the day job," sang Rich. Why not, asked the viewing several.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MORE, MUCH MORE, FROM THE DIABOLICAL DIGANCE LATER
ABSURD PERSON SINGULAR
(1984)
BBC
SHUFFLING SMALL SCREEN version of ALAN AYCKBOURN's salty ensemble drama following a mithering middle class quartet through three Christmases in three yawning episodes. Much passing of the blame/vinegar salad. MICHAEL GAMBON is bluff architect, CHERYL CAMPBELL his suicidal wife, PRUNELLA SCALES the alcoholic, MAUREEN LIPMAN as herself.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IF WE WANTED THIS WE'D HAVE GONE TO THE DAMN THEATRE
ACE OF WANDS
(1970-72)
THAMES
JIM-MORRISON-ALIKE BOY magician Tarot (MICHAEL MACKENZIE) has adventures through history, for which read cheap studio set representing pyramid, cheap studio set representing Stonehenge and so on. DR WHO-style menace on a budget. Fought enemies such as Madame Midnight, Mr Stabs and Mama Doc, aided by an owl called Ozymandias (played by FRED THE OWL). Tarot cards and tarot phenomena abounded; much worthy roustabouts ensued. Prog-heavy title theme babbling - "Jet white dove/Snow black snake/Time has turned his face/From the edge of mystery" - singularly failed to assault the charts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IRON ROADS/ASPHALT SKY/WINDOWS MADE FROM WATER" YIKES!
DISABLED WOMAN falls victim to a new automated, computer-controlled house, which seems strangely sinister, and...yeah, you guessed it. THE DEMON SEED on a budget. Nicely minimalist, though, with no foldy cubes or shit like that.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GEORGINA HALE WAS THE WOMAN
ADAM ADAMANT LIVES!
(1966-67)
BBC
TURN-OF-THE-CENTURY GENTLEMAN charmer in preposterous cape and cane combo (GERALD HARPER) gets frozen in a block of ice and thawed out in the swinging sixties - and what a lot of changes he encounters! Also along for the renewed crimebustings: Georgina Jones (JULIET HARMER) and comedy sidekick William Simms (JACK MAY). Feted at the time, in reality it was little more than loads of characters sitting about on their posh arses looking foppish and mouthing off. Where were The Beatles? Didn't they run Britain in 1967?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO THERE - MICHAEL "ON THE BUSES" ROBBINS, ARTHUR "MR. GRAINGER" BROUGH, DERYCK "PLEASE SIR!" GUYLER, JOHN "ARE YOU SURE THAT'S WISE?" LE MESURIER, PETER "GENIAL HARRY GROUT" VAUGHAN, COLIN "BARNABY" JEAVONS, WINDSOR "TWAIN" DAVIES, EDWARD "MASTER MEAKER" BRAYSHAW, BOB "ROOBARB" GODFREY, GEORGE "SPECIAL BRANCH" WOODBRIDGE, KATE "TRIANGLE" O'MARA, IAN "SUPERGRAN" CUTHBERTSON, AND DR WHO
THE ADDAMS FAMILY
(1964-66)
ABC
CREEPY. KOOKY. And altogether, er, ooky. Memory burning finger-clicking theme heralded ever-so-slightly darker brand of supernatural sitcom shenanigans than the contemporaneous THE MUNSTERS. That family roll call in full: parents Gomez and Morticia, Uncle Fester, manservant Lurch ("You raaaaaang?"), and kids Pugsley and Wednesday. And lest we forget, a disembodied hand in a box (Thing). Fun if predictable antics ensued in their suitably spooky pile.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEIR HOUSE WAS A MUSEUM. YOU REALLY OUGHTA, ER, SEE 'EM
DREADFUL HALF-ARSED cheapo kids' drama-workshop-on-screen string of semi-improvised (hence title) sketches and bollocks, the most notable thing being when cast regular DUNCAN GOODHEW (yup, the bald swimmer) pretended to be Dracula flapping his cape as he swooped down on a victim. The interview DG gave on CBTV around the same period confirmed impression of him as a twat. Co-conspirators IAN BARTHOLOMEW, OONA KIRSCH, LIZ LIEWS, CRAIG LYNN, BEVERLEY MARTIN, DAVID NUNN, NICK ROWAN and TILLY VOSBURGH may have fared little better. See also SUNNY SIDE UP.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THINK "WHY DON'T YOU..?" WITH ADULTS. THEN THINK SOMETHING ELSE
THE ADVENTURE GAME
(1980-86)
BBC
WHAT NOW GET OUT OF THAT was to BBC1 evenings, THE ADVENTURE GAME was to BBC2 teatime. Basically, an alien-planet-set game show, where a team of three comprising child-friendly celebs (FRED HARRIS, DEREK GRIFFITHS, MAGGIE PHILBIN - you know the score) and affable boffin-types (IAN "MICRO LIVE" MACNAUGHT-DAVIS, world Rubik Cube champ DAVID SINGMASTER) are forced to work their way through impenetrable series of logic games by human-impersonating aliens (including, at one point, MOIRA STUART). But it wasn't a simple as that. Wildcards included the Drogna Game involving logic-stepping-stone floorplan and geometrically-themed plastic 'local currency' called Argond (the only alien available to ask about the currency was usually mute, and merely pointed to a sign saying "Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain"). Later additions to the mix included much banter between the 'aliens' about "grandad turning into an aspidistra", green cheese rolls, and moles, or something; LESLEY JUDD as a two-timing alien saboteur; backwards-talking aussie bushwacker BILL HOMEWOOD, aka Ron Gad; and a bizarre version of tag against an invisible vortex on a gantry suspended in space to guarantee their safe return to 'Earth'. Which is being a bit harsh, even for us. The bizarre "charm" was maintained pretty well throughout the entire run, bolstered immeasurably when there was someone of the calibre of Derek Griffiths or Johnny Ball to play off. All alien names were derived from 'dragon' - Arg (The planet), Drogna, Gronda (traditional salute), Rangdo (the aspidistra-like "uncle") and Dogran (little BBC Buggy-derived thing, notionally controlled by Fred or whoever - always one of the blokes in the team - via a state-of-the-art BBC micro around a pitch black maze). Suffice to say, if you never saw it, you missed a minor gem.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DOOGY REV!
ADVENTURE WEEKLY
(LATE 1960s)
BBC
DIMLY-RECALLED KIDS series from the arse-end of the 60s about a group of kids in an English town who decided to write up their weekly adventures as a newspaper. The main kid in it was about 14 or so, with longish black hair and - inevitably - a bit on the podgy side. One episode revolved around a windmill. Not literally. Though that would've been an improvement.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME MUSIC WAS A LARRY ADLER-ESQUE HARMONICA DITTY
THE ADVENTURES OF DON QUICK
(1970)
LWT
SCI-FI COMEDY outing, little remembered now, with IAN HENDRY as the quixotic space traveller, and RONALD LACEY as Sam Chopanza. Quite well done stuff for such an early effort. Also featured KATE "TRIANGLE" O'MARA and GRAHAM "SUN TRAP" CROWDEN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MY WORD, LOOK: A PLANET MADE OF GIANT SKYSCRAPERS!"
THE ADVENTURES OF ROBINSON CRUSOE
(1965)
FRANCE
MORE OLD black and white stuff which strayed far into the colour era. Recurring summer holiday fodder due to its 12 episodes (though it always felt like more) taking you neatly up to the start of autumn term. Hailed from across the Channel, replete with classic ten-second orchestral theme plus hand disappearing below the water titles. Suffered by having one too many flashbacks to Rob's life as a kid. Forget the adolescent angst - just get to the making a den on the island, dammit!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DA DA DA DAAAA, DA DAAAAA, (BOM BOM BOM)"
THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES
(1984-94)
GRANADA
DEFINITIVE SMALL-SCREEN sleuthathon saddling JEREMY BRETT, for good or ill (the latter, as it turned out) with the role of a lifetime. Hard to find a word to say against this meticulously turned-out period perfectionism, at least not during the early years when Brett was on top hair-dyed, rake-thin, pipe-chimney, violin-scratching, blind-fury, arch-pompous, bone-dry-wit form. Accompanied first by the almost too-youthful DAVID BURKE, who regenerated into EDWARD "COLDITZ" HARDWICKE in 1986, here was the humorous ("Watson, this is no time for eating humbugs!") and the introspective ("It seems death is all around us") just as thrilling as the discovery of the next dead body. A fully-functioning Baker Street, slung up just round the corner from the Rovers Return and peopled with numerous rozzers, coppers, tinkers and nabobs, kept Granada in pocket to boot. Later years, saddled with numerous name changes (THE RETURN OF..., THE MEMOIRS OF..., THE CASEBOOK OF) and two-hour one-off specials, hampered by less money and Brett's fading health. Final episodes almost ghoulish in their intimations of mortality. Still, the best of its kind and no fooling, with the finest late-Victorian smog ("Hmmm, it's a real pea-souper this time!") on the box.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WATSON I FEAR MY PRACTICE IS TURNING INTO ONE FOR THE RECOVERY OF LOST LEAD PENCILS"
ADVENTURES ON KYTHERA
(1989)
AUSTRALIA
AUSSIE KIDS Molly (AMEILA FRID - the original Cody Willis in NEIGHBOURS) and Spike (GARY PERAZZO) holiday on a Greek island, where they have the expected nondescript adventures with local girl Tik (REBEKAH ELMALOGLOU, better known as acne-ridden Sophie Simpson from HOME AND AWAY). They were also joined by Zenton, played by an actor whose real name was, somewhat startlingly, ZENTON CHORNY. The only storyline that sticks in the collective memory was something to do with Zenton finding an old skeleton in a cave, and ending up inheriting a pile of rubble masquerading as a house as a result. It was followed, sensibly, by ADVENTURES ON KYTHERA II, which reunited Zenton and Spike but left the girls out of proceedings (although there was the occasional reference to them having sent "letters"). Both series were shown back to back by ITV over the summer of 1991, in the hope of capitalising on the soap opera links. Theme music suspiciously similar to WHO PAYS THE FERRYMAN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ELMALOGLOU'S NOTORIOUSLY WELL-DEVELOPED PHYSIQUE - SHE WAS SIXTEEN AT THE TIME - MADE HER PORTRAYAL OF A THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD UNCONVINCING IN THE EXTREME
THE AERONAUTS
(EARLY 1970s)
FRANCE
25-MINUTE GUNG-HO adventures of Ernest Laverdure and Michel Tanguy, young strapping pilots in the French air force. Black and white derring-do which came on before HECTOR'S HOUSE and badly dubbed into English.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE SOME WINSOME ENGLISH POP GROUP SINGING ABOUT "THE HIGH FLYIN' AERONAUTS" WHO WERE "FASTER THAN FAST"
SYBIL FAWLTY lives one floor below the snooty one off PLEASE, SIR! and one floor above someone who looks and sounds like Lynda Day off PRESS GANG but, sadly, wasn't. Except the biddy upstairs is actually her mum, and the tearaway downstairs is her daughter, and the gay bookshop owner round the corner is her best friend. Much moping and wordplay ensue. Granny obsesses about her ankles and the latest bit of gossip from Valerie Brown on the pension counter's sister Mary. Mum cracks droll remarks and weeps about absence, through death, of titular husband. Sprog runs amok with crimpers and faded jeans. Studio audience unsure where the jokes are. Viewers either love or loathe. Began life on Radio 4, where perhaps it should have stayed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SHOW'S TITLE CREATED HEADACHES FOR DUMB CONTINUITY ANNOUNCERS. "AND AFTER AFTER HENRY, ER..." TCH - IT'S NOT HARD!
AFTERNOON PLUS
(1979-1989)
THAMES/CHANNEL 4
LEVIATHAN OF post-lunch shoestring scheduling and sanctuary for many a sneaky school skive. Long before ITV discovered the debatable merits of attention-seeking fat freaks, this sedate daytimer was a more serious-minded answer to the mighty PEBBLE MILL AT ONE. MAVIS NICHOLSON was the mainstay, aided by the likes of JUDITH CHALMERS, BETTY FOSTER, ELAINE GRAND, SIMON REED, MARY PARKINSON and TREVOR HYETT. Like the 'Mill, it had its own complex lineage, to wit:
1971 - TEA BREAK: 3.45pm weekday thirty-minuter ("the programme for women with the work done and minds of their own") from Thames presented by - and this can't have been good - MICHAEL PARKINSON, aided by RENNY LISTER. "Michael Parkinson introduces the first programme in a twice-weekly series aimed mainly at women, and at those at home in the afternoon who could do with a break about now. Whatever the topic, there are women with a view about it. This is their programme. So put down that duster, put up your feet and prepare to relax." Cheers.
1972 - GOOD AFTERNOON!: Moved to 2.30, but continuity was maintained with presenter Sylvia Duncan. JILL TWEEDIE and MARY PARKINSON also signed up. There was a sort of weekly rota, here - Mavis looked at education, RITA DANDO health, and Jill - but of course - women's rights. Clocked up well over a thousand editions by its termination in '78.
1979 - AFTERNOON PLUS: as above.
1982 - A PLUS: An abbreviation of the name, an extension of the time to 45 minutes, but otherwise business as usual. Trevor Hyett handled the first season, with Nicholson, Grand et al. appearing more frequently as time ground on. PEREGRINE WORSTHORNE and ANNE ROBINSON contributed to a Review of the Year in early '83. That extra quarter-hour was later rescinded, and the format trundled on until mid-'84.
1984 - A PLUS 4: As the name suggests, a translation of the old warhorse to Channel Four, with MAVIS NICHOLSON, GILL NEVILL and PAUL JONES in the comfy chairs. "Discussion, music and interviews, with an original view on all that's new in politics, entertainment and health." Rambled on endlessly until Michael Grade passed the death sentence.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND OVER HERE, SOME GARDEN GNOMES IN, OH I SAY, SOME RATHER CHEEKY POSES!"
AMIABLE ENOUGH cartoon serial about a bowler-hatted, moustachioed detective (and some sort of police constable sidekick). KENNETH WILLIAMS did the voices. No record of whether, like WILLO THE WISP, show was popular "with the navies".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...VAGUE
ANNA RAEBURN-INSPIRED sitcommery starring MAUREEN LIPMAN as usual playing herself, i.e. externally strong, confident woman but internally a babbling mess. The likes of SIMON WILLIAMS, DIANA WESTON and BILL NIGHY showed up as punchlines to Mo's many and varied (in quality) gags. Obligatory LWT gay characters looked in. Obligatory radio DJ provided shoulder to cry on. Obligatory revival followed on BBC1 in 1995, which was, indeed, agony again.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AGONEEE-E-EE-EE-EE-EEEEE" WENT MAUREEN ON THE THEME TUNE, ONCE MORE ECHOING THE THOUGHTS OF THE NATION
LATE-PERIOD COLD War production-line thriller set in a US air force base in the UK. Pilots all blitzed on drugs and one of them flies off to bomb Moscow, thereby triggering World War III. Written by Malcolm McKay, starring CLIVE MANTLE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MORAL: THANK HEAVENS IN THE REAL WORLD THERE ARE SENSIBLE PEOPLE WITH THEIR FINGER ON THE BUTTON
SHORT-LIVED SUNDAY night God slot support feature. Pilot worries about marriage. Stewardess afraid of flying. Can newly appointed Airport Chaplain Bill Duncan (RONALD FORFAR) help?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MOVING FROM RUNWAYS TO HIGHWAYS, NOW, AS WE JOIN HARRY SECOMBE..."
NIFTY BLACK futurocopter saga with none-more-eighties JAN MICHAEL-VINCENT as cello-playing loner maverick Stringfellow Hawke, piloting eponymous supersonic, rader-evading chopper nicked from the US government, which he won't give back until they locate his equally implausibly monickered brother St John Hawke who's MIA. Michael Archangel (ALEX CORD), CIA type with cane and eyepatch gave the orders via The Firm; also on board were token easy-on-eye female recruit Caitlin and ERNEST BORGNINE (yazzah!) as old-school boss-mentor blokey. Final series saw St John fortuitously located, just as Michael-Vincent bailed out.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEE ALSO BLUE THUNDER, STREETHAWK, KNIGHT RIDER ETC. FOR FURTHER VARIATIONS ON 1980S BLACK POINTY VEHICLE OBSESSION
ALBERT CARTER, Q.O.S.O.
(LATE 1970s)
ROY KINNEAR was your jovial accident-prone street sweeper in one of those 1970s silents in the PLANK/RHUBARB mould. Various mishaps ended with an encounter with The Queen (represented, as always in these things, by a gloved hand protruding from a limousine window), when he was made Queen's Own Street Orderly and ending up pushing his cart...down the Mall. Do you see?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TEXTBOOK SUPPORTING FEATURE IN THE KIND OF CINEMAS WHICH NO LONGER EXIST
ALBION MARKET
(1985-86)
GRANADA
.JPG)
IT HAD a fantastic theme tune, if you watched closely sometimes you could see the back of Granada's studios, and DAVID "SCIENCE WORKSHOP" HARGREAVES was in it. Apart from that, ALBION MARKET was your archetypal one-dimensional, craply acted and totally confusing affair created solely for the sake of it. Centrepiece "covered market" location looked like a shitty warehouse, which was no surprise given it was Granada's old prop store. Too many characters and too much hype pissed off viewers and ITV schedulers, especially LWT who hated having to show it on Friday nights, erstwhile home of Brucie and patented big fuck-off LE bollocks. Sunday night episode died on its arse thanks to being up against OPEN ALL HOURS. Two months after launch saw a desperate TV Times devoting pages to plugging the characters, profiling them as if no-one had heard of them before, which was to a degree completely true. Despite mobilisation of terribly self-conscious "icons" (TONY BOOTH and HELEN SHAPIRO for fuck's sake), the whole thing was put out of its misery precisely 100 episodes after it began with a wedding and someone being born.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE THEME TUNE WAS FEATURED ON PHONE-IN QUIZZES ON SCOTTISH LOCAL RADIO STATIONS WELL INTO THE 1990S
RUN-OF-THE-MILL HOBBY/COLLECTING magazine (see MADABOUT) employing ex-mime artist ADRIAN "JIGSAW" HEDLEY to perform "wacky" sketches and irrelevant middle-section THE KID, an acidically-coloured-in-the-eighties-manner live-action comic strip taking off Chaplin with lashings of Chromakey. Irritating shouty theme tune and puzzling caged-bird animation. Only slightly redeemed by the involvement of CLIVE DOIG.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WOPWOP...OW!
ALCOCK AND GANDER
(1972)
THAMES
NO CHEAP innuendo suggested by that title, no way. The story concerned the various misadventures of a marriage bureau, which went under the name of the Tom O'Thimble Lucky Pixie Shop. BERYL REID and RICHARD O'SULLIVAN were in it, and may God have mercy on their souls.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CONSIDER BELIEF "BEGGARED"
NONE MORE 80s puppet sitcom with eponymous "Alien Life Form" (boring real name - Gordon), a cat-eating two-foot 200-year-old hairy pig like thing with much sardonic wit, living with a bog-standard "nice" suburban US family. Staple of ITV Saturday teatimes once THE A-TEAM had run out. Responsible for ace SIMPSONS gag if nothing else.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."REMEMBER ALF?" SPLUTTERS MILHOUSE. "HE'S BACK! IN POG FORM!"
SWEDISH ADVENTURES of a bald cartoon boy and his bald cartoon dad. Had moral dilemmas about waiting for chicken pox to clear up or "hitting a chap smaller than himself". Odd clarinet theme. No relation to MARMALADE ATKINS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BLOODY HELL
GRAB BAG alterno revue, late in slot and long of trouser. STEPHEN "PICK A BUTTOCK UP" FRY, HUGH "SMELL?" LAURIE, BEN "ELTON BEN" ELTON, ROBBIE "BACK IN A JIFFY" COLTRANE, EMMA "BLARF!" THOMPSON and SIOBHAN "THE LINES" REDMOND arsed about out-of-doors on videotape instead of film. Not well remembered, or particularly well loved. By its participants, at least.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO-ONE OUTSIDE OF MANCHESTER COULD SEE IT. NO-ONE INSIDE MANCHESTER WANTED TO.
ALI BONGO'S CARTOON CARNIVAL
(1972)
BBC
A TWO-PRONGED, double-content pre-GRANDSTAND bonanza from the man you might remember as P. Daniels' "magic consultant". Ingredient A: "Bong" stands in front of a machine he called The Great Pandemonium - a giant structure with six or eight windows, each with a lever beneath used to open it, revealing the titular cartoon behind (for instance, PIXIE AND DIXIE). For ingredient B "Bong" becomes children's party entertainer and does crappy tricks like placing three apples in front of him, asking "How can I move the first apple to the middle without touching it?", and proceeding to move the opposite apple over. Boo!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHERE WAS THE CARNIVAL?
ALIAS SMITH AND JONES
(1971-74)
UNIVERSAL
BBC2 SLIPPED off its tight waistcoat and cummerbund with this endless Butch and Sundance-style banditathon whose protagonists "never hurt nobody" thanks to an arrangement with the local guv'nor whereby they'd be given a pardon if they stayed out of trouble for a year. The year in question lasting, on screen at least, for 36 months. PETE DUEL, original lead, committed suicide after the first series and was replaced by erstwhile narrator ROGER DAVIS. Sidekick BEN MURPHY lasted the distance. "There's one thing we gotta get, Hayes. Out of this business!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SURE WISH THE GUV'NOR'D LET A FEW MORE PEOPLE IN ON OUR SECRET!"
ALIAS THE JESTER
(1985)
GRANADA
LATE ERA Cosgrove-Hall spectacular with better animation than DANGERMOUSE which told tales of RICHARD BRIERS-voiced alien bloke in blue romper suit with pixie ears, plus faithful hound Boswell - also with the ears - who'd crash-landed in some medieval kingdom and started righting wrongs.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OVERWHELMED THE UNDERHANDED AND WAS A TIME TRAVELLER BOLD
BOUGHT AS a job lot by cash-strapped infant Channel 4 and flung out after COUNTDOWN, here was the heroine of Scorsese's Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore demoted to the small screen, still with her irritating pre-pubescent son, hoping to bring her musical talents into fruition. Having washed up in Phoenix, Arizona and taken a job at greasehouse cafe Mel's Diner, everyone proceeded to stay put for over 200 bloody episodes. LINDA LAVIN was the titular tunesmith.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO RELATION TO TROY MCCLURE EPOCH-DEFINING CLASSIC, ALICE DOESN'T LIVE ANYMORE
ALIENS IN THE FAMILY
(1987)
BBC
WEIRD DRAMA about a teenage girl who goes to stay with her dad and stepfamily for the summer and meets a real (but conveniently humanoid) alien bloke who communicates with his folks back home via an old radio. Hideous-looking extra-terrestrials battled for attention with endless references to Curosity Killed The Cat and Sinitta.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOUNG LADIES SHOULDN'T DAUB THEMSELVES WITH GRO-BUST!"
ALL AT NO. 20
(1986-87)
THAMES
SHE'S BACK! Maureen Lipman, once more playing herself, ventured forth unto sitcommery again (see AGONY above) as - what else? - a strong confident woman on the outside but gone-to-pieces on the inside, this time running a hostel for 1980s Scrounging Students. Lounging leftie loafers included MARTIN CLUNES and GABRIELLE GLAISTER. And was that our Mo lending her pipes to another forgettable theme tune?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...YOU BET! AND THIS TIME SHE DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER WITH WORDS, JUST A LOAD OF DOO-BE-DOOING! 10 YEARS BEFORE SCATMAN JOHN!
ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL
(1978-90)
BBC
SUBLIME SUNDAY night adaptation of James Herriott's tales of life as a 1930s Yorkshire Dales vet, blessed with an excellent cast led by ROBERT HARDY as Siegfried Farnon, gruff, patrician head of practice, always ready to sound a note of caution as they gathered around the huge wireless (loads of period detail) to hear the latest war news; and CHRISTOPHER TIMOTHY as Herriott himself, stolid, caring practioner, always ready with a reassuring word when it was time to put down a kid's pet or a pensionable heifer ("'E's been a faithful servant to me, Mr 'Erriott"), and married to CAROL DRINKWATER who regenerated into LINDA BELLINGHAM. Speaking of which, Dr Who was in it as well as perennial wet-behind-ears young tyro Tristan, plus there was haughty village matriarch Mrs Pumphrey, who had a little dog named Tricki-Woo who lived on a cushion, and that indecipherable bloke who called Herriott 'vet'narian'. The whole thing was topped off by those timeless driving-through-the-Dales-in-a-lovely-old-car titles, with Hardy and Timothy sharing a joke.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHEN IT CAME ON THE BOX ALL WAS WELL WITH THE WORLD. FACT.
THE ALL ELECTRIC AMUSEMENT ARCADE
(1983)
THAMES
SEASIDE-BASED KIDS' drama, easily a step up from the salty SEAVIEW, revolving around a rather attractive young girl's attempts to pep up a rundown shitty arcade with stuff to appeal to Young People. Cue weekly appearance from rock group Electric Arc, the girl's "mates", who also supplied the title theme which, in true tie-in tradition, failed to assault the charts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AIRED PRECISELY THE SAME DAY AND TIME AS SEAVIEW, STUPIDLY
ALL GAS AND GAITERS
(1966-71)
BBC
VAPOURS-IN-THE-VESTRY PALAVER fronted by Father DEREK NIMMO, here beginning long service as TV's resident clerical buffoon. Spun off from a Comedy Playhouse pilot, proceedings focused on fusty 13th century St Oggs Cathedral and tetchy relations betwixt accident-prone Nimmo (The Rev. Mervyn Noote) and his superiors, the "Bishop" (WILLIAM MERVYN), the "Dean" (JOHN BARRON/ERNEST CLARK) and "Archdeacon" (ROBERTSON HARE). Much brown-smocked font/fount japery ensued. Occasional appearances from obligatory "dotty" parishioner JOAN SANDERSON. Nimmo made a timely move into different-yet-totally-similar bowl-haircutted lead in OH BROTHER!, which bizarrely ran at the same time as All Gas..., though with the cassock swapped for a monk's habit.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND SO IT CAME TO PASS THAT OH BROTHER BEGAT OH FATHER, WHICH BEGAT HELL'S BELLS...
ALL IN GOOD FAITH
(1985-88)
THAMES
GOOD GOD! The instant Nimmo had hung up his cowl, it was only gone and swiped by RICHARD BRIERS doing a spot of moonlighting from EVER DECREASING CIRCLES. Sadly, this was no clerical error. Briers played country village vicar Philip Lambe looking for a tough inner city parish to challenge his abilties, though his wife Emma, played first by BARBARA FERRIS, then by SUSAN JAMESON, and the usual ubiquitous disagreeable teenage kids were less than keen. The first series was the best, boasting as it did the late and rather ace JAMES COSSINS as local dignitary Major Andrews, the cue for lots of pomposity and oo-er humour. One memorable clip involved Briers trying to botch a golf shot to let a potential church benefactor win the match, only for the ball to hit five trees and pop into the hole. ITV used that on the trailers to make us think the whole series would be as good. Of course, it wasn't.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE EPISODE WHICH HAD THEM LEAVING THE COUNTRY PARISH CENTRED AROUND THE SON'S REFUSAL TO GO BECAUSE HIS TORTOISE HAD GONE MISSING. YEP, YOU READ CORRECTLY.
ALL OUR YESTERDAYS
(1960-73, 1987-89)
GRANADA
NETWORKED SEPIA-DRENCHED homily to Better Times when shirehorses crapped in the streets, kids were called urchins and 90-year-old women with muscles worked down the pit. Or something. JAMES CAMERON, BRIAN INGLIS and BERNARD BRADEN set the scene.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IT'S TRUE: WE NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD"
ALL STAR SECRETS
(1983-86)
LWT
WELCOME TO MICHAEL PARKINSON: The Wilderness Years. After flouncing off TV-am and realising he had no other gig apart from that stuff he's done on Australian telly for about half a bloody century, Parky had to take what he could find. Which was this and GIVE US A CLUE. Here the miserable bastard wheeled celebrity guests into a studio - stars, if you will - and got them to reveal some hitherto unknown aspect of their personality, i.e. a secret. And that was it. Although given it was the 80s, his guests were the likes of SU POLLARD, GARY GLITTER, BERNIE CLIFTON and DEREK NIMMO. Parky tempted us in the trailer (and we needed a LOT of tempting) with the following questions: "Which one of these spent three weeks in bed with a lobster? Almost committed to a life of celibacy? And once said 'I love it, I want it, I need it'?" Come again?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT EVEN KENNETH WILLIAMS COULD SAVE US
THE ALL-NEW POPEYE SHOW
(LATE 1970s)
HANNA-BARBERA
YOU NEEDN'T have bothered. TV rehash of the 1930s spinach eater's surreal but strangely unlikeable adventures, but without the surrealism. Everyone's a loser. Standard devices used to wring out every last drop of subject matter - for example, give him three identical miniature kids to look after, without indicating where they'd come from. Also utilised Panther-patented "middle cartoon" format, here introducing (get this) "Private Olive Oyl", that's Olive Oyl in the army with typical goon Alice The Goon and strangely-sexy tiny woman sergeant. No Popeye however. Popeye's middle cartoon was Prehistoric Popeye or some shit like that. Did have amusing opening sequence, involving 'Eye scooping Bluto (Pluto? Brutus?) up with a JCB, then "boxing" and firing him towards the stars in a big rocket ("well, waddaya know?"). Only other pro was possession of the swirly-star Hanna-Barbera logo at the end.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."RRRRAAAAAARRRGHHRRRAAAAAGGHHHHHH... I'LL GET YOU!" WAS STILL BEING REPEATED ON WEEKDAY MORNINGS IN THE 21ST CENTURY
THOSE EXCLAMATION marks say it all. More perspicacious production line period palaver from the pens of David Croft - who with Jimmy Perry wrote the vastly overrated DAD'S ARMY and the endless HI-DE-HI! - and Jeremy Lloyd which never seemed to be off the telly and lasted longer than the war it was "gently lampooning". Entire premise ripped off from SECRET ARMY. Rene (GORDEN KAYE), a moon-faced smart-alec cafe owner who spoke like someone doing a shit impression of Inspector Clouseau, reluctantly agrees to help the French resistance during WW2. Married to a prickly wife Edith who can't sing ("Youuuuuu stupid woman!") but also fancies the arse off barmaid Yvette, but who keeps being distracted by Michelle the "collaborator" ("Listen very carefully, I shall say zees only once"), who keeps trying to avoid the machinations of Gestapo goon with a limp Herr Flick, and Helga the blonde Nazi officer who took to appearing in only her underwear, and the gay Nazi officer, the stupid Nazi officer, the British airmen in terribly unamusing inability to escape to "Blighty" and uproarious false accents ("Good moaning...I was just pissing by"), "Mother" upstairs called Fanny with comic ear trumpet, the French policeman next door... Oh, dear god. Entire seasons seemed to revolve around Rene being presumed dead and being replaced with his identical brother (GORDEN KAYE, unsurprisingly), or the location of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies, or comically-shaped bratwurst. Each episode opened with Gorden looking stupid (standing in a bale of hay, or appearing dressed as a woman, or appearing dressed as a woman in a bale of hay) and asking us what we thought he was doing. How the hell did we know ? RONNIE HAZELHURST supplied the theme, which didn't really fit in on account of it being really rather good.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STILL A SUNDAY LUNCHTIME BBC1 STAPLE IN 2007. IS THERE NOTHING ELSE IN THE ARCHIVES, MARK?
RALPH MCTELL was aided by various female second fiddles in this letter-by-letter song and illustrated storyathon with Holly the Hedgehog (who tries to "sleep with" various other animals "that have got fur" but keeps getting rejected due to uncomfortable spines - this was for kids?) and Kenny the Kangaroo (garoo, garoo). Long alphabet prop thing in the studio. Theme song dull as hell. No better or worse than you might expect.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, "X" WAS AN "X-RAY FISH"
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