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CLIVE JAMES ON TELEVISION/SATURDAY NIGHT CLIVE to THE CUT PRICE COMEDY SHOW
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CLIVE JAMES ON TELEVISION/SATURDAY NIGHT CLIVE
(1982-1994)
LWT/BBC
FROM BEHIND an oil tanker-sized desk, from within a imperially-dark blue set, in front of a textbook braying studio audience, backed by a bank of shimmering small screens, the erstwhile Vivian James, sometime of Kogarah, Australia, smartened his synonyms and annotated his anotyms over clips of Japanese game show contestants killing each other. From there it was but one squint of a tiny eyeball to what followed. The Channel 4 chat show with bumptious guestage the like of Alan Coren, AJP Taylor and, naturally, Germaine Greer. Commentating on Formula One for a laugh. Going swimming with some Playmates at Hugh Hefner's Playboy mansion. Talking by satellite to Vitali Vitaliev. Inventing YouTube. Talking by satellite to Mel Brooks. Stormin' Norman Norman Stormin' Norman Schwartzkopf. Talking by satellite to Billy Connolly. Playing role of guest judge on the GENERATION GAME. Talking by satellite to TV evangelists/cross-dressers/cross-dressing TV evangelists. Riding the Slippery Dips in Sydney. Getting fitted with a hairpiece in LA. "I'd received word that an extremely eminent and attractive female foreign dignitary was in town and desperate to meet me." Getting to 'Finally Meet' Frank Sinatra. "And the winner of this year's Teatowel Wearer Of The Year award is...Yasmin Arafat!" Jerry Hall, Jane Fonda, Elle MacPherson, Louise Lombard, Caroline Langrishe and a million other glamorous guest starlets for those end of year specials. And, sadly: "Now, to sing us out, in her inimitable style, and you should try imitating it..." "...Allo Clive! Eeez it me yurrrr looookin furrrrr?" Ill-advised defection back to ITV in the mid-90s made him look tired, shabby and shameless. But then who wouldn't, faced with the task of interviewing Geri Halliwell?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."'HOW LONG DO YOU GIVE HIM?' SAID MR MITTERAND. 'I'LL GIVE HIM THREE WEEKS, MAX,' SAID MR HURD. 'DON'T CALL ME MAX,' SAID MR MITTERAND."
EX-GERRY ANDERSON puppetmasters John Turner and Mary Read were responsible for this cumbersome palaver, dealing with the-then topical oil crisis in just about the most oblique way possible. In some unspecified middle age, two races, the Bygones and Hasbeens (note satire) are at war as to who controls an oil well, situated incongruously between the two castles. A scientist called QED, inventing Klunk-style gadets at every opportunity, played the scheming Sir Humphrey role. And, of course, every day a three o'clock, they all sat down to tea. A no-holds-barred inditement of contemporary international politics.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SCATHING
DEMENTED DOOMED toffs talking shop-cum-"happening" which knew Foucault about postmodernism and, indeed, good telly. MURRAY BOLAND was the helmsman, holding forth from within live "events" comprising (usually) scrap metal sculpting, nude body painting, student theatre ("I am death; I kill you") and lots and lots of noise. Made no sense. Couldn't hear a thing. Ill-advised Sunday lunchtime repeat soon pulled. Ditto the entire series.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BY TAKING MY SKIRT OFF I AM LIBERATING THE FEMALE SUBCONSIOUSNESS"
THE COBBLERS OF UMBRIDGE
(1973)
ARCHERS PARODY with the Walter Gabriel character (WILLIE RUSHTON) as the local yokel. Everyone rushes around saying "I've got something very important to say...but I won't tell you just now". Sequence of disasters leads to everyone getting killed, including ROY KINNEAR, LANCE PERCIVAL and JOHN WELLS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NED SHERRIN DIRECTED. OF COURSE.
BRIEF COMDRAM with JOAN SIMS, NORMAN RODWAY and others "getting by" in the struggling old school seaside resort of Cocklesea. JAMES GROUT was the ex-pat Cockler returning to his hometown to try and get the locals back on their feet again.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INNUENDO-STREWN, COCKNEY PIANNER-LED THEME SONG HAD LYRICS ON THE SCREEN WITH A LITTLE SINGALONG BOUNCING COCKLE - "OH, COCKLES, COCKLES/COCKLES FROM COCKLESEA/WITH A COCKLE DOWN ME THROTTLE I'M AS COCKY AS CAN BE/C-C-C-COCKY, C-COCKY AS CAN BE...COCKLES FROM COCKLESEA (GIVE US A PLATEFUL)/COCKLES FROM COCKLESEA (COR WHAT A WHOPPER)"
COCKLESHELL BAY
(EARLY 1980s)
ITV
DEATHLY DULL "adventures" of animated puppet twins Robin and Rosie in an idyllic (i.e. dead) seaside hamlet. Pointless exposition over opening titles - "Cockleshell Bay was a town near the sea, with seagulls and sunshine and sand" - added little to brew.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CHEESE AND CHUTNEY SANDWICHES!" "OH, SUPER!"
MORE COLD WAR kicks for kids, as assorted public schoolboys discover their school is being bankrolled by a secret military thinktank, who are meant to be the Russians, or possibly the Nazis, or maybe just the evil inside all of us.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRING RENE ARTOIS
STILL ON Mutually Assured Destructive-matters, here's the urbane MICHAEL DENISON as the urbane Captain Aubrey Percival, former Naval officer turned spook being run by CALLAN-esque mean bastard and having to rig up right nasty bits of business. "Missions" included convincing a foreign leader and former terrorist believe he had a terminal illness; and to booby trap a missile system that was being illegally sold to the Russians so that the buyers would take retribution on the seller. Nifty dresser too.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CADDISH
SUPERLATIVE RECREATION of famed Nazi uber-jail and repeated attempts by do-or-die inmates to pull ultimate fast one on ruthless guards. Banged up together (which in hindsight was asking for trouble) were: DAVID "MAN FROM..." MCCALLUM, EDWARD "DR. WATSON MK. II" HARDWICKE, ROBERT "TOKEN YANK" WAGNER, CHRISTOPHER "SECRET ARMY" NEAME and JACK "ESCAPE COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN" HEDLEY. Chief key-jangler was, of course, BERNARD "GOOD NAZI" HEPTON, ably supported by ANTHONY "BAD NAZI" VALENTINE. Each week's episode began with the group gathered in hushed circle seated on packing cases/crates devising another "ingenious" ruse to exit dank slimy castle walls for good. Each week they failed. Many highpoints, including attempt by one inmate to escape by faking madness, only to end up properly and incurably insane. Series concluded with Germans taking flight ahead of advancing Allied liberating armies.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DISCO VERSION OF THEME TUNE PERHAPS NOT QUITE AUTHENTIC 1940S
COLIN'S SANDWICH
(1988-90)
BBC
A CHUBBY DEPRESSED MEL SMITH works for the complaints department of British Rail by day (cue much "food is terrible" business) and by night was an undiscovered writing talent trying to complete (in series one) a story for the Langley Book of Horror, and (in series two) a treatment for a TV movie, Countdown to Midnight. Much of the show took monologue form whilst Col worked into the night, distracted by his girlfriend, LOUISA "MRS PATTERSON" RIX, disruptive best friend Des, obnoxiously happy couple Richard and Sarah, and his respective employers. Little remembered, like Saver AwayDays.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE BY WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART
AUNTIE FINALLY works out how to broadcast more than just black and white stuff and sticks a load of "now" bands in front of their fancy new cameras to see what happens.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MUCH WIGGING OUT ENSUES
POSH KID looks into a mirror and finds she can step back into time to exchange pleasantries with Posh Victorian Kid.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EMMA THOMPSON'S MUM PLAYED BATTY OLD AUNT
COME BACK, MRS. NOAH!
(1977-8)
BBC
BRACE YOURSELVES. Dotty 21st century housewife (MOLLIE SUGDEN) gets blasted into orbit on board Britannia Seven spaceship along with a load of characters from other crap David Croft comedies including Private Pike and Colonel Reynolds. Rene "CODENAME: ICARUS" Artois also shows up.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ASTRNOMICALLY AWFUL
THE COMEDIANS
(1971-79)
GRANADA
KEEPING THE OLD SCHOOL of British comedy in pocket for the best part of decade was this does-what-it-says stand-upathon, wherein the likes of TARBY, BERNARD MANNING, CHARLIE WILLIAMS, JIM BOWEN, MIKE REID, TOM O'CONNOR, KEN GOODWIN, JIM DAVIDSON, ROY WALKER, FRANK CARSON and DUGGIE BROWN did their best patter in front of what looked like a stained glass window. Not fondly remembered now, but then people laughed at PETER KAY once, y'know.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...1984-85 REVIVAL STARRED PAULINE "WHO?" DANIELS AND OLLIE "DITTO" SPENCER
THE COMET IS COMING
(1984)
BBC
"THAT'S RIGHT! I'm coming!" A contender for the most pointless BBC one-off ever, this was banged out to coincide with the galloping anticlimax that was the return of Halley's Bloody Comet. TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR was the dead astronomer, now (according to some exec's whimsical coke-vision) riding the heavens astride his own comet, and looking at all the hubbub on the planet Earth. A bag of wank.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND DON'T COME BACK ANYTIME SOON, NEITHER!
LAUNCHED ON Christmas Day 1985 by NOEL EDMONDS, COMIC RELIEF has, down the years, popularised such phrases as "stick a red nose on your conk", "pants" and of course "there's thousands of Amys everywhere" (never as heart rending we feel as Bet Lynch's "but then there's the kiddies" on ITV's short-lived TELETHON). And never more can an honest citizen walk up a homeless person-strewn backstreet of one of Britain's major cities without calling to mind the opening piano bit from Coldplay's "Trouble". Much like IT'LL BE ALRIGHT ON THE NIGHT, COMIC RELIEF has established itself as classic workout fodder for your video remote controller, with the fast forward button deployed whenever JULIE WALTERS/ANNIE LENNOX/BILLY CONNOLLY pops up on screen. Inevitably over the years, the show has lost all of its edgy appeal, and what was once an unpredictable night of alternative comedy has long since transmogrified into the kind of mutual back-slapping society that retains a shred of artistic integrity, thanks only to the fact that we know it really pisses off ALEXEI SAYLE. For many though, the sad truth is that COMIC RELIEF lost its last vestiges of coolness once there were no more Saturday morning kids shows for LENNY HENRY to piss about on the next day (always a highlight that). Still, it raises loads of money for good causes, and for that, we're quite happy to put up with hour upon hour of television that thinks comedy consists of an incongruous celebrity turn up in the middle of a sketch.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE GREAT BIG ANNOYING CELEBRITY SKETCH SHOW
NOTABLE BRITISH funnypeople revisit the places and faces of their formative years, before such a gimmick became a South Bank Show staple and hence done to death. Highlights included KENNETH WILLIAMS declaiming on stage to a non-existent audience ("If life is a joke, then make it a good one!") and MICHAEL PALIN as a deranged psychiatrist talking about Michael Palin and promptly getting carted off in an ambulance.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE BBC MUST BE REALLY SHORT OF MONEY" SNIFFED KENNY WHEN THE THING GOT REPEATED IN 1987
THE COMIC STRIP PRESENTS...
(1982-WHENEVER THEY CAN BE ARSED)
CHANNEL 4/BBC
YOU ARE HERE. Mayall, Edmondson, French, Saunders, Coltrane, Richardson, Sayle and Allen piss about on a grand scale. In order: FIVE GO MAD IN DORSET ("Blah blah blah"); WAR ("Pot of tea for four, please!"); THE BEAT GENERATION (black and white wankery); BAD NEWS TOUR ("For you, and you, and you, and you"); SUMMER SCHOOL (too much Dawn French); FIVE GO MAD ON MESCALIN ("You like that, don't you, Timmy?"); DIRTY MOVIE (lobster gets run over); SUSIE (pass); A FISTFUL OF TRAVELLERS CHEQUES ("No soft toilet papers in Hotel Bastardos!"); GINO - FULL STORY AND PICS (that rarest of beasts: a decent Keith Allen turn!); EDDIE MONSOON - A LIFE? ("Plipetty Plop, and Flippety Flop..."); SLAGS (er); CONSUELA (yet more too much Dawn French); PRIVATE ENTERPRISE (shit - literally); THE STRIKE (oranges); MORE BAD NEWS (Donington Rock Festival); MR JOLLY LIVES NEXT DOOR ("Nicholas bloody Parsons!"); THE YOB (that commonest of beasts: a crap Keith Allen turn); DIDN'T YOU KILL MY BROTHER? ("Tighter than a very tight thing"); FUNSEEKERS (no jokes); SOUTH ATLANTIC RAIDERS (first on BBC2); GLC (Kate Bush soundtrack); OXFORD (shagging in the spires); SPAGHETTI HOOPS (Italian thingy); LES DOGS (arty); RED NOSE OF COURAGE (satire!); THE CRYING GAME (football); WILD TURKEY (Christmas special); DETECTIVES ON THE EDGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN (you'll have stopped watching by now); SPACE VIRGINS FROM PLANET SEX (you'll have stopped reading by now); QUEEN OF THE WILD FRONTIER (they really needn't have bothered); GREGORY - DIARY OF A NUT CASE (sigh); DEMONELLA (ditto); JEALOUSY (last one for ages until...); FOUR MEN IN A CAR (so-so revival on Channel 4); FOUR MEN IN A PLANE (rotten revival of the revival); SEX, ACTUALLY (do you see? No).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DID IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH SEAL PUPS AND CANS OF SPRAY PAINT?"
BLINK AND YOU'LL miss it Friday night sitcommery with ROGER "MATHSCORE" SLOMAN and SHARON DUCE getting in a lather over the linoleum.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PHILIP "INSPECTOR JAPP" JACKSON CO-STARRED
GACKY, TWATTY comedy which unleashed both CHRIS BARRIE and HALE AND PACE onto our screens. Token Woman role occupied by CARLA MENDONCA, who rose to dizzying heights "starring" opposite NICK WILTON in FAST FORWARD.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WEST ENDERS". GOOD GOD.
COMMANDER BADMAN
(1974)
THAMES
ERIC IDLE-SCRIPTED kids' half hour-com about a gang of bungling crooks led by the titular honcho (AUBREY WOODS). Plot revolved around not returning a library book.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LAUGHS OVERDUE AN' ALL
TWICE-WEEKLY SOAPERAMA showcasing staff intrigues at a women's magazine. JEAN HARVEY, MARCIA ASHTON, MURRAY WATSON among the scribes and gossipers. Shared same creators as CROSSROADS. Didn't share same fate (i.e. ended while it was still good).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INTERNATIONAL REMAKE, IMPACT, SURFACED IN 1985. NOBODY NOTICED
COMPANY AND CO
(EARLY 1980s)
ITV
WEEKDAY AFTERNOON tosh with three glamorous (ish) 30somethings - one bloke and two women - running a cabaret club. Tight harmony set usually preceded the solving of a piss-easy murder or collaring a goon-ish blackmailer.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."UP NEXT: CROWN COURT"
THE COMPUTER PROGRAMME
(1981)
BBC
KRAFTWERK'S COMPUTER LOVE accompanying a blinky cartoon owl heralded the start of this "pioneering" pseudo-educational series into the ways of the home computer, or more specifically, the BBC Computer (Acorn Proton as was), favourite of secondary school headmasters the country over. CHRIS SERLE, in standard issue BBC knitted tank top and displaying that studied clueless look that was to stand him in good stead for IN AT THE DEEP END, played the role of the ficko punter ie. us. IAN MACNAUGHT-DAVIES was the quasi-Burke brainiac host. Lots of basic computer knowledge, demented analogies ("Imagine you're getting ready for a party, but your doorbell's broken. You stand in the hall trying to open a bottle of wine, but periodically you have to go to the door and open it to check if anyone's there"), and programmes written out in that MODE6 blue-and-black lines screen effect, for no readily apparent reason.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MACNAUGHT UPGRADED TO MAKING THE MOST OF THE MICRO
MILD-MANNERED FATHER (GEORGE COLE) dwells in a future Britain overrun by Communism and jokes about beetroot, thick Poles and Skodas. Titles show Arthur Daley traversing a communised-up Londonscape to the tune of 'It's A Long Way To Tipperary' sung by a Russian male voice choir.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LOU BEALE PLAYED HIS MUM
BIZARRE ROBOT-MAN NICK "who hell he?" JACKSON was the original frontman for this remember-where-you-saw-the-prizes-and-match-up-a-pair-and-reveal-bits-of-Pippin-comic-style rebus win-a-pressure-cooker-themed Friday night quiz. Tortuous stuff, not relieved when BOB "WAS" CAROLGEES took over host duties in later series (minus Spit the Dog, sadly). Studio set was shit: slidey bits of card about five years after BLANKETY BLANK. Show was taken in all seriousness, unlike BLANKETY BLANK.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ORIGINALLY AN EARLY 60S BLACK-AND-WHITER WHERE LUCKY BEARDED MEN FROM EDGWARE COULD WIN A SUPER-8 CAMERA "AND PROJECTOR!"
SUE ROBBIE escaped from unnecessary kiddies POINTS OF VIEW slot FIRST POST ("Manchester M60 9eeh-ayy") to front this grim summer BLOCKBUSTES fill-in quiz with nasty eighties blue and yellow colour scheme. Sixth form participants had to guess clues to illuminate nine people/objects/places on primitive video wall and make connection between them, James Burke style. "What have they won, Charles?" cried Sue at prize time, as affable Granada linkman CHARLES FOSTER voiced over prize information (lots of hang-gliding courses).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LATER ADAPTED INTO ADULT QUIZ VEHICLE FOR FLICK-HAIRED COFFEE TABLE MENOPAUSE EXPERT RICHARD MADELEY
CONNECTIONS/THE REAL THING/THE DAY THE UNIVERSE CHANGED/THE BURKE SPECIAL
(1977-85)
BBC
AND HERE'S THE MAN HIMSELF. Basically, what happened when Burke got pissed off having to play second fiddle to the Gossamer Albatross and Michael Rodd. First came Connections, an expensive multi-location indulgence which tried to link, say, the radio and the hologram or some invention in a hyperactive, notoriously incomprehensible manner. The Real Thing dealt with perception, mind, sight etc. and was no more coherent, and things were really bad by the time the little-seen TDTUC appeared. Here Burke linked various reports about space and time and stuff from around the world (presented by himself, of course). The nadir of his brand of frenetic pretension came with TBS, a show where Burke would manhandle members of the studio audience, under the auspice of demonstrating how we work etc., live from a sort of mission control set which was supposed to be inside a bloke's brain. Or something. He wasn't invited back after that.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOUR BRAIN HAS ALREADY MADE UP ITS MIND ABOUT WHICH WAY UP I AM. AND BECAUSE IT DOESN'T POSSESS THE INFORMATION I HAVE, IT'S GOT IT WRONG."
STEPHANIE BEECHAM and PAM FERRIS go head-to-head in the frenetic, cut-throat Nottingham clothing business.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...20 YEARS BEFORE THE APPRENTICE
CONSTANT HOT WATER
(1986)
CENTRAL
ILL-DESERVED CURTAIN CALL for Pat Phoenix, going through the motions as a bigoted guest house proprietess in Bridlington whose business was threatened when PRUNELLA GEE opened rival digs next door. Daft accusations of brothel keeping arose. Audience spirits sunk.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE BY INSTANT SUNSHINE = 20 PITY POINTS
THE CONSULTANT
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
LOAFER, SPY and latterday Walford gangster (one of about 400, it seems) HYWEL BENNETT here did what everyone else was doing in the early 80s and turned his hand to computers. Character discovers massive fraud programmed into a firm's computer system by a devious employee, but decides to exploit the "issue" and steal the cash. Devious employee finds out, so Bennett gets his computer to think up the perfect murder. Lots of CAD, screenshots of mocked-up programs and so on.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HOLD YOUR HORSES, I'M HAVING TO DISASSEMBLE 88K OF CODE!"
"RUBBER-FACED RIBALDRY" from protege of Jasper Carrott. Lancastrian Phil Cool briefly captured nation's attention with highly accurate but none too funny impressions of Mick Jagger, Rolf Harris and, um, the Pope, plus "Terry Wogan turning into rubber-faced alien" party piece. Apex of fame: being a guest star on 3-2-1. Nadir of fame: slumming it on Central in 1991 in Cool Head (no exclamation mark needed).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IMAGINE IF E.T. WAS DRIVING A VW GOLF"
AGAIN WITH THE IMPRESSIONS. Only this time there were no saving graces. Ostensibly a fast-paced succession of celebrity-lampooning sketches and songs performed by a young team of impressionists, the sheer consistent lack of quality of Copy Cats left an almost indelible mark on Saturday evening schedules. Kevin Turvey in 1987! Rowan Atkinson's shouty-man-in-audience character in 1985! Joan Rivers all the time 'cos there's always someone that can do her! "Cats" consisted of constantly-churning musical-chairs-style list of mimics, right from stars like BOBBY DAVRO (all voices sound the same) and GARY WILMOT, through MARK "ROY" WALKER, MIKE "JIMMY CRICKET" OSMAN and stalwart double-act AIDEN J. HARVEY & ALLAN STEWART, all the way down to HILARY "JOAN RIVERS" O'NEILL and, inevitably, ANDREW O'CONNOR. First series prefaced with cartoon/balloon-y font depicting title, with "wine-bar" font version twiddling about in the corners then tight-close up on each goon's face. '86 saw cheeky comic character antics as the "comedy crew" morphed out of made-up "Copy Cats" comic, each adopting a knockabout image of themselves but "disguised" as a real celebrity or character, all except CHERYL TAYLOR who bizarrely emerges in the form of the Queen of Hearts (true!). Change of tack from herein, with capers discarded in favour of upbeat lyric delivered by the "comedy crew", dressed in white DJs or full-on ballgowns, hilariously perched on bar stools and marooned on that LWT stage (shot pans round semi-circular formation as they sing the toe-curling tune - "Copy Cats! The comedy team! They're never quite what they may seem! They look at life in slight-ly diff-rent waaaays!"). This relaxed-but stiff tactic was a hangover from the early closing sequences, which seemed to go on for 20 minutes and had the ensemble singing either that song or tiresome others, but stopping all the time to have the chosen "cat" deliver another poor impression. O'Connor did Turvey, Davro did Duncan Norvelle, Stewart always did Frank Carson ("This is Frank Carson, News At Ten, Westminster. It's a cracker."). Later incarnations were tighter, but still ruined by that damn song and raising-of-the-arm on the last long note.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."ADDITIONAL MATERIAL BY THE COPY CATS"
CORONATION STREET
(1960-NOW)
GRANADA
FROM AN IDEA BY Tony Warren. And what an idea: backstreet Shakespeare with brown ale; a cobblestoned Greek tragedy in curlers. Despite the fact that they're hymned to the heavens by Parkinson and Hattersley, those early shaky, grimy episodes remain the benchmark for earthy popular drama, crushing the likes of COMPACT and THE NEWCOMERS under the heel of Elsie Tanner's stiletto. They had everything and the kitchen sink: not least a gallery of recognisable yet larger-than-life characters: regal pub matriarch Annie Walker, hairnetted harridan Ena Sharples, the jaded sexpot Elsie Tanner, the slightly menacing roguishness of Len Fairclough and the tedious, bookish, middlebrow Ken Barlow, who's been there ever since. Into the seventies and into colour, the tone became lighter, with more emphasis on comedy and the likes of CB binman Eddie Yates, Hilda Ogden (complete with ludicrous prole-taste "muriel"), gaudy pub siren Bet Lynch and slippery cigar-toting rag trade wideboy Mike Baldwin stepping into a frequently genuinely dramatic world - the lorry smashing into the Rovers Return, and Deirdre's search for her baby in the rubble; the gunpoint murder of Ernie Bishop and the car-smash death of Alf Roberts' wife Renee. From the eighties onwards, the Newton and Ridley brew has been watered down, with more episodes and more tedious longeurs (the courtship of Derek and Mavis for instance) breaking up the drama, such as the Ken-Deirdre-Mike love triangle: "Ken's a good man, he deserves better", proffered no less an authority than John Betjeman.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOW DOES A DEATH A WEEK AND CO-STARS GIRLS ALOUD
COUNTDOWN
(1982-NOW)
CHANNEL 4
"AND AS THE COUNTDOWN to a brand new channel ends, so a new Countdown begins..." Little needs to be said about this behemoth of the last 25 years - and there's not much to add about the show either (ho ho). Grew out of Yorkshire TV-only Calendar Countdown slot. RICHARD WHITELEY did the lot until death in 2005, wherepon DES LYNAM took over until he couldn't be arsed driving up to Leeds and handed the mantle (along with his first name) over to DES O'CONNOR. CAROL VORDERMAN also there from the off. Used to call the number generator Cecil, which stood for Countdown Electronic Computer In Leeds. 10 greatest ever Dictionary Corner denizens: STILGOE, BRANDRETH, WILLIAMS (KENNETH), O'CONNOR (TOM), SOPRENDO (THE GREAT), DIGANCE, FRY, SHERRIN, JARVIS (MARTIN), WAKEMAN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NINE IN A LINE, 30 SECONDS IS THE TIME"
WEIRDY LITTLE black and white forgetter similar to the big money INVADERS, with aliens taking over slowly and quietly, thwarted by space ace, er... Simon King (JOHN FINCH), who had a triangular telly to help him.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PULLED BEFORE IT FINISHED
PASTORAL PIDDLING of the kind beloved of the Beeb's kids department throughout the 80s. Posh Kid thwarts chemical smugglers in textbook rolling fields and grasslands of England.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RURALISM
COUNTRY SEARCH
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
OFFSHOOT OF SEARCH (John Craven, earnest teenagers discussing sex and bullying, an annual Young Film-maker's competition). Horses were the main focal point but anything with shit on it was fair game. Presenter looked a bit like Jakki Brambles.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SAY THE TITLE SLOWLY FOR ADOLESCENT SNIGGERS
FROM THE PEN of Philip Mackie. Willy Wigglesworth is disenchanted with life at an organisation which is basically a recruitment and testing agency for the spy service. Gets fed up with the paranoia of his boss Cragoe (ALAN HOWARD) who is convinced that the head of a rival agency - an unseen character called Trimble - is out to get him in some way. DR WHO's missus was in it (she's in more of these bloody entries than DR WHO himself).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CLASSIC EPISODE TITLE: "PUSSY PASSED BY AND SHE PEEPED IN"
"UNOFFICIAL...UNSTOPPABLE...UNDERCOVER...GOING WHEREVER Americans are in trouble!" You said it. But not very well. Photographer (JENNIFER O'NEAL) and model (JON-ERIK HEXUM, who died and was replaced by TONY HAMILTON) do undercover spy schtick. Not good, Glen, not good.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOUR EYES ARE UNDRESSING ME..." "THERE IS AN EASIER WAY."
OLD SCHOOL britcom with ROY KINNEAR, COLIN WELLAND, KEN JONES and that bloke who always played a t'ick Oirishman (DERMOT KELLY) as construction workers who were...well, crap. Chas and Dave went electro for the theme: "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing wrong/With a nail too short, and a screw too long." Inevitably, something collapsed in every episode.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DON'T TRUST COWBOYS...MUCH
RESOUNDINGLY HUMDRUM cartoon about two robots stuck on an asteroid and pissing each other off.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO ATMOSPHERE. LITERALLY.
SALUTORY LESSON IN how to piss away the goodwill of an entire nation of kids. First came sedate desks 'n' buzzers 60s incarnation with a few muted sketches and the Crackerjack Pencils as prizes (you couldn't just write in and ask for one, y'know, you had to EARN it!). The sainted EAMONN ANDREWS, PIP HINTON and LESLIE CROWTHER kept things ticking over with the right modicum of underwhelmed enthusiasm. Then came, however, invasion of music hall slapstick courtesy of troupe comprising PETER GLAZE, DON MACLEAN, JAN HUNT, LEIGH MILES, GILLIAN COMBER, BERNIE CLIFTON and hosts MICHAEL ASPEL and/or ED 'STEWPOT' STEWART. Stretched credibility - and viewers' ear drums - to limit whenever gang decided, "spontaneously", to break out of some sketch or other to reprise contemporary popular song of dizzying unsuitedness, such as Bowie's 'Golden Years' or 'Something for the Girl with Everything', originally by Sparks, now by MacLean as he assaulted Glaze with an old boot. Programme as a whole still tolerable, though, until the 80s hoved into view and format was tweaked again to bring us - oh dear God - camp commandant STU FRANCIS. Cue gunge, shouting, irritating meaningless catchphrases ("Ooh, I could crush a grape/rip a tissue/pummel a peach"), The Fucking Krankies, The Great Soprendo (admittedly the one decent bit in it: "See this glass of milk? You see it? Right, you see it? Now it has gone, yes!"), Chas'n'Dave theme ("Lumberjack? No! Steeplejack? No! Uncle Jack? No!") and dolly bird "assistants" who fed shit jokes to Stu for shit one-liners no kid could possibly understand/find funny (gags about Charles Aznavour for fuck's sake). They even dropped Double Or Drop. Whole wretched noisy mess mercifully axed by Michael Grade.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GO ON, GET THE WHISTLE OUT OF THE SUGAR PUFFS WITH YOUR TEETH!" NO YOU DO IT, STU.
CRANE
(1963-65)
ASSOCIATED-REDIFFUSION
MISTY MOROCCAN adventures of shady bar owner Crane (PATRICK ALLEN), his sidekick Orlando O'Connor (Mike Baldwin's dad) and their brushes with sinister police chief played by - yup, it's that man again - Kamelion off DR WHO. Later got kids spin-off, ORLANDO, wherein Mike's pa traded quips and shoe polish with blacked-up bloke in a fez and dressing gown called 'Shish Kebab'.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALLEN LATER RESPONSIBLE FOR ANNOUNCING THE END OF THE WORLD ON 'TWO TRIBES'
STOPMOTIONARY INSECT effort from Cosgrove-Hall with Ariadne the spider, a snail called Mr. Harrison and other pests. Voiced by PAUL "WHAT WOULD YOU SAY..?" NICHOLAS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PAUL NATURALLY PROVIDED THE THEME HERE, WHICH REVEALED THAT CREEPY CRAWLIES WERE "NOT LIKE BIG-AND-TALLIES"
SHAMEFUL HOLMES-IAN tenth-rate pastiche, set in smog-filled "lawless" Victorian era, with titular sleuth putting his house and the metropolis in order. ALAN DOBIE starred as eponymous pipe-smoker, alongside DAVID WALLER (Inspector Jowett) and WILLIAM SIMONS (Constable Thackeray).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ANOTHER GRANADA PLUS RATINGS WINNER
CROSSROADS
(1964-1988)
ATV/CENTRAL
"ROMANCE WAS IN THE AIR at King's Oak. The new postman, Vince Parker, had a bright smile and a fast line of chat which appealed to Diane; Peter Hope, the new vicar, was very dishy...but was he too good for working-class Marilyn? Then there was old Enoch, who won £250 on the Premium Bonds and advertised for a wife... But something else was in the breeze. Who were the Poison Pen Letter Writer, the Houseboat Haunter, and the Night Prowler? Was there a Crossroads Crime Wave? Laughter and tears, triumph and heartbreak, love and hatred - every human emotion is here in the special Crossroads blend."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."JILL, I'VE CHANGED MY MIND. THE WEDDING IS OFF." DING-DANG-DANG-DING-DONG
ONE OF YOUR MORE credible off-school-with-the-Lucozade viewing options. Different case played out in each three x 30 minutes weekly sittings at Fulchester Crown Court, staffed by the likes of BEN KINGSLEY, RICHARD WILSON and MICHAEL GOUGH. Scum of the earth such as PAULINE QUIRKE (always a single mum caught shoplifting), LIZ FRASER (always an old bat fiddling her pension) or MICHAEL ELPHICK (always a wide boy shifting dodgy motors), took the witness box. Shifty beak looked on. Public gallery fidgeted. "Just stick to the facts, if you please." Jury retired during commercial break. "Case dismissed!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I NOW SENTENCE YOU TO BE TAKEN FROM THIS PLACE, AND PUT IN ANOTHER PLACE. JOIN US AGAIN ON MONDAY!"
CRY WOLF
(1980)
PICTURE PARTNERSHIP/PARAMOUNT
HALF HOUR spoof of the werewolf genre. PAUL "STEVE ZODIAC" MAXWELL was Dr Jack Russell, ROSALIND AYRES his assistant Maria, JAMES BREE the police inspector, STEPHEN GREIF the expert in lycanthropy. Ayres accidentally puts a canine serum in Russell's coffee in mistake for milk. This causes him to periodically turn into a dog. Lots of excuses for dreadful puns - on a news-vendor's billboard - "Barking woman attacked by dog-man". The police: "Do we have any other leads?"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WE'RE KEEPING A TIGHT MUZZLE ON THE PRESS"
CRYSTAL TIPPS AND ALISTAIR
(1971-74)
BBC
HUGE CLOPPING CUT-OUT nonsense between giant girl and loping dog in a cottage in the middle of nowhere, where two butterflies looked on.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO QUOTE. IT WAS SPEECH FREE. OBVIOUSLY.
GRUMPY UNDERPRIVILEGED working-class punky girl (red hair = troublemaker) finds out she's half-sister to one of the BBC's familiar stock of Posh Kids. Lots of 'seething', suburban hedges and driveways. Posh Kid called a "bitch". Nation failed to disintegrate in shock.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BASED ON NOVEL BY VIVIEN ALCOCK (OH COME ON, ENOUGH NOW)
THE CUCKOO WALTZ
(1975-80)
GRANADA
DAVID ROPER is betrohed to DIANE KEEN but shares a house with LEWIS COLLINS. Three's-a-crowd thrills occasionally ensue.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND GUESS WHICH PIECE OF CLASSICAL MUSIC THEY USED AS THE THEME. GO ON.
BERNARD CRIBBINS dons the time-honoured red neckerchief to play titular "kindly" tinker dwelling in a caravan spun off from THE SHILLINGBURY TALES. Dog-on-a-string not billed in cast.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GEROFF MY LAND, YER PROVINCIALIST!"
CUPID'S DARTS
(1981)
YORKSHIRE
ACE DAVID "PERRIN" NOBBS-scripted "Play For Pleasure", with ROBIN "POTTER" BAILEY as a philosopher who takes up with a darts groupie (LESLIE "HAPPY APPLE" ASH).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND SOON IT'S NOT JUST THE DARTBOARD HE'S AIMING HIS SIGHTS AT!"
RUMPUS-ROUSING MILLIGANISM with Spike as (sigh) blacked-up worker Paki-Paddy, ERIC SYKES as woolly liberal foreman, KENNY LYNCH as anti-Asian racist and NORMAN ROSSINGTON as a white bigot. Fun for all the family!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BLOODY" SAID 59 TIMES IN ONE EPISODE
THE CUT PRICE COMEDY SHOW
(1982)
CHANNEL 4
VERY FIRST comedy sketch show to appear on the new network, which made several running jokes out of its extremely low budget and deliberately used jokes of Christmas cracker standard to emphasise the point. A point that was missed by countless reviewers, who inevitably made "is this the best Channel 4 the big bore can offer?"-type comments. Former Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band member Roger Ruskin Spear was among those "creating" "mayhem".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DON'T WATCH IT WHILE YOU'RE EATING, YOU MIGHT THROW YOUR FOOD AT THE SCREEN", AS THE C4 CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER REMARKED BEFORE ONE EDITION
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