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A DABBLE WITH DIGANCE to DO THEY MEAN US?
DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE to DYNASTY
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DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
(1969-AD INFINITUM)
LWT
SLAPSTICK STETHOSCOPE SAGA which became a franchise that more or less kept LWT in business through the 70s and the likes of writers GRAEME GARDEN, BILL ODDIE, GRAHAM CHAPMAN, JOHN CLEESE and BARRY CRYER in pocket. Total number of episodes rivals latterday waiting lists in size. Seemingly thousands of hours of airtime eeked out of the most mundane of medical malpractice, with piss-artist practioners including BARRY EVANS, ROBIN NEDWELL, GEOFFREY DAVIS, GEORGE LAYTON, MARTIN SHAW and JONATHAN LYNN. Blessed with one of the most seventies sitcommy themes it's possible to have, too, full of boings, wheees and yom-po-pom poms. Amongst the innumerable spin-offs: ...AT LARGE (1971 - 30 fucking episodes!); ...IN CHARGE (1972-3 - 44 fucking episodes!); ...AT SEA (1974); ...ON THE GO (1975-77); ...DOWN UNDER (1979-80); ...AT THE TOP (1991, by which point it most definitely wasn't).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PHIL REDMOND EVEN DID BRIEF SPELL ON SCRIPT DUTIES
DOUGLAS ADAMS-PENNED Dutch cartoon of Doolittlesque Snuggles MD, Dennis the Badger, Nobby Mouse and various animal and vegetable companions travelling in their big balloon to solve pseudo-environmental catastrophes e.g. lost rainbows, rivers scared of going into the sea. Slightly too sugary for British palettes hardened by ROOBARB and DANGERMOUSE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ADAMS COMPLETISTS ONLY
DOCTOR WHO
(1963-1989, 2005-NOW)
BBC
"NO NO, that's not his name, it's just the name of the programme." Bollocks!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
…CREATED BY TERRY NATION, RUSSELL T DAVIES AND KAMELION
DOGTANIAN AND THE THREE MUSKEHOUNDS
(1986)
FOREIGNERS - DAMN THEM!
WILLY FOGG might have been testing the limits of literary credibility somewhat, but reworking seminal age-old Musketeer myth as rotten roustabout involving dogs, cats, pigs and bears was taking the fucking piss. The same culprits (BRB INTERNATIONAL) wreaked the same havoc here, to wit: dopey American-esque catchphrases (Dogtanian: "Huh?"); shitty animation (Dogtanian "jogging" up and down endlessly during the credits, codpiece waggling in the breeze like a windsock); stupid sidekicks written in for non-comic purpose (a mouse); more shitty animation (slicing an apple into segments mid-air); cats wearing lipstick (Dogtanian's bit on the side, M'Lady); dogs wearing lipstick (Juliet); dogs dropping flowerpots on other dogs heads as punishment for sleeping around; dastardly villain with sparkling eyes to remind dim-witted viewer of baddie credentials (Cardinal Richelieu); badly dubbed English voiceovers which had to speak in double quick time to fit words into original Spanish mouths; and deeply deeply deeply fucking irritating theme song which seemingly went on for fucking hours. About 450 episodes long. And still they kept on coming: see THE MYSTERIOUS CITIES OF GOLD.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."KIDS ARE PRETTY CORNY"
THE DOMESDAY DETECTIVES
(1986)
BBC1
.JPG)
BEFORE BEING seconded to chaperone Brian The Computer on CATCHWORD, PAUL COIA hosted this lunchtime quiz effort based on pointlessly elaborate mid-80s Beeb project to celebrate the 900th anniversary of The Domesday Book, involving ultra-modern BBC micros and Acorn laserdisc players which promptly became ultra-obsolete.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NOW, LET'S TAKE A LOOK INSIDE THIS FASCINATING MEDIEVAL LONG BURROW"
DON'T ASK ME
(1974-78)
YORKSHIRE
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
UNASHAMEDLY TACKY science-is-fun endeavour with a dizzying roll call of DEREK GRIFFITHS, DAVID BELLAMY, MAGNUS PYKE, MIRIAM STOPPARD, AUSTIN MITCHELL and BRIAN GLOVER taking it in turns to hold up giant models of a) teeth b) a box girder bridge c) the galaxy. Much bizarre demonstrations, cruel audience-baiting techniques and insane models by way of enlightenment. Wonderfully harsh flute-driven theme was 'House Of The King' by Dutch rock band Focus; B-side of chart hit 'Sylvia'.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SO WHY DO GOLF BALLS HAVE DIMPLES?"
ONE-OFF TRY-OUT kids comedy affair with ELAINE STRITCH and others doing WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?-style suggestions-from-the-audience improv.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DON'T CALL US, MORE LIKE
DON'T DRINK THE WATER
(1974-75)
LWT
GREAT THOUSAND-STRONG ARMIES OF executives were employed at LWT and Thames in the 70s to fashion spin-offs out of every possible sitcom around. This one clearly hailed from the end of a long day when they sitting about on their arses were waiting to clock off. Gurning, Roland Rat-voiced ON THE BUSES Blakey (STEPHEN LEWIS) goes off the buses to start new life in Costa Del Sol devoting time to professionally insulting the natives. DEREK GRIFFITHS was one of them. PAT COOMBS was his missus.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LIVED IN APARTMENTOS EL PARADISO. YOU SEE, THE THING WROTE ITSELF!
DON'T ROCK THE BOAT
(1982-83)
THAMES
TUESDAY NIGHT 8pm sitcommery from otherwise sublime pen of ESMONDE and LARBEY, here way below par. Widower NIGEL DAVENPORT catches hell from teenage kids when he hooks up with SHEILA WHITE who is - gasp - half his age.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LOSES POINTS FOR BEING SET IN DINGY BOATYARD RATHER THAN LEAFY CUL-DE-SAC
COMFORTABLE-AS-SLIPPERS UBER-SWISH (summed up by classy brass-led theme) sitcom charting fortunes of divorced doctors TONY BRITTON and NIGEL HAVERS, father and son, forced to live together to say pennies and, gasp, do the washing up. GEORGE "PIGEON STREET" LAYTON was on script duties, and this gets a clean bill of health from us, despite what Radio Times ("dismal, little remembered") said the other week.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GREAT FUN FOR CONTINUITY ANNOUNCERS: "NOW IT'S TIME FOR MORE MEDICAL PRACTICE FROM THE DOCTORS LATIMER IN..."
OOH, TOPICAL. Secret government institute set up to tackle unusual and unforeseen threats to human kind. Given meaningless convoluted name (Department for Observations and Measurement of Scientific Practice). Staffed by nutters including an exploding ROBERT POWELL. Saw off right-wing insurgency led by DOT COTTON.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE 70S IS WHERE IT ALL CHANGES, SO YOU GOTTA BE READY!"
THE DOUBLE DECKERS
(1971)
TCF (THEY OF "DIGBY..." FAME)
FLIMSY FAMOUS FIVERY on a London bus in a none-too-secret "hideout". Meet the gang: "Scooper" (PETER "DOMINICK HIDE" FIRTH) - leader; "Sticks" (BRUCE CLARK) - obligatory Yank drummer; Spring, played by ASWAD's BRINSLEY FORDE; Doughnut (fat one, natch) played by DOUGLAS SIMMONDS; Tiger (DEBBIE RUSS), the girl with the toy tiger; Billie (GILLIAN BAILEY) the ponytailed one, and, yes, a speccy kid called Brains (MICHAEL AUDRESON) who cooked up the clever inventions and noxious chemicals. One and only grown up friend was, eek, MELVYN HAYES.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GET ON BOARD/GET ON BOARD/COME AND JOIN THE DOUBLE DECKERS/TAKE A TICKET/FOR A JOURNEY/ON A DOUBLE DECKER LONDON BUS/RING THE BELL (DING DING)/TOOT THE HORN (PARP PARP)/AS YOU RIDE WITH THE DOUBLE DECKERS/FUN AND LAUGHTER/IS WHAT WE'RE AFTER/ON OUR DOUBLE DOUBLE DOUBLE DECKER BUS/ ON OUR DOUUUUUUUUBLLLLLLLLEEEEE DEEEEEEEECKEEEEEER BUS (HOOT) (DING) (HOOT) (DING DING) (HOOT HOOT HOOT) BOOOM." ETC.
DOUBLE YOUR MONEY
(1955-68)
ASSOCIATED-REDIFFUSION
"GOOD EVENING folks!" Perma-grinned Canadian chatterbox HUGHIE GREEN was your host for this, the first quiz show on British telly to offer a cash prize, albeit one that, due to the vagaries of the British IQ, often amounted to one pound. In old money. From a demented, never-ending list of categories, including bridge, opera, good housekeeping, meteorology and, best of all, jazz (traditional) and jazz (modern), lowly Members Of The Public, preferably with an eccentricity that Hughie could riff on, selected questions which, if answered correctly, would compound the sum of their winnings by a factor of two. For the final question and the opportunity to, ahem, grab a grand, contestants were encased in a sound-proof booth for no reason other than, yes, to give Hughie something else to riff on. If Edmonds wasn't watching, someone he knew certainly was - most probably the whole of the country who'd dared to switch to "the other side". 15-year-old accounts clerk Monica Rose famously won a paltry £8 but proved to be such a popular Cockernee Charmer she was eventually brought back as a hostess. The whole thing ran for ages until the regulators noticed and swung the axe, whereupon Hughie promptly revived the whole thing as THE SKY'S THE LIMIT. It wasn't.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND WE MEAN THAT MOST SINCERELY, FOLKS
THE DRAC PACK
(EARLY 1980s)
HANNA-BARBERA
CORNBALL COMEDY detective dallyings with a wacky assortment of teenage horror characters, eg teen vampire, teen werewolf, teen mummy (how that worked is beyond us).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PASS THE GARLIC
DRAMARAMA
(1983-89)
ALL YOUR FAVOURITE ITV REGIONS WORKING IN PEACE AND HARMONY
POSH KID alert! This enduring bric-a-brac franchise at the very least gave you a chance to play spot-the-regional-logo, and at the very worst gave those regions some less than impressive caught-in-the-headlights national exposure. A playgroup Play For Today, essentially, with wild swings in quality from the crazy to the crap. Curtains-and-vocoders theme was cue to sit down, shut up and watch. Highlights included:
SWEET REVENGE: computer hacking storyline! Posh Kids arrange for tons of chewing gum to be sent to their school after teacher demonstrates how modem works. Whilst hacking kids sing song "gum gum gum gum gum gum gum gum".
JACK AND THE COMPUTER: Titular lad befriends a computer by beating it at noughts and crosses (pressing random buttons on an enormous console), then he buys a duff radio from a market. The computer takes revenge on the market trader when he won't let Jack return it - he puts the radio strap around his arm and then the computer (from several miles away) tightens it so he's in intense pain. There's a lesson there.
MR STABS: ACE OF WANDS-related palaver with DAVID JASON.
THE UNIVERSE DOWNSTAIRS: Kid finds backward dimension in his basement, where a mangle is "more advanced" than a washing machine.
SCHOOL FOR CLOWNS: What it says.
DEAF ANGEL: More kids sneak into a wrestling arena to try and get a glimpse of eponymous masked wrester. One gets caught by staff, another falls off the building trying to escape. The third gets into Deaf Angel's dressing room. The scary man has his back to us. He peels off the mask. The kid makes a noise. Deaf Angel begins to turn and just as we begin to see something horrible we cut to the kid in his hiding place, looking. He gasps...Roll credits.
DOPPLEGANGER: Boy is being driven somewhere by his dad along a quiet road in the middle of nowhere. They pass a figure by the side of the road in a monk's cloak - we don't see the face. The dad lets the kid off and says he'll collect him later. The figure reappears and chases the kid for the entire terrifying episode. It gets dark and the boy sees a church with light and singing. He bursts through the doors to find...inside it's empty and dark. The monk confronts him, pulls back the hood - it's him! The monk has the boy's face! Arrrrgh! The boy runs to the road and there's his dad's truck but just as he reaches it the truck drives off - dad has the doppleganger in the passenger seat.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WELL, THAT WAS A SCARY ONE, WASN'T IT? BRRRR - IT'S GIVEN ME THE CHILLS!"
DREAM STUFFING
(1984)
CHANNEL 4
OK, WHO let this in? Ultra right-on com from Jeremy Isaacs-patrolled C4 (i.e. not funny) when minority meant what it said: two women on the dole, with a gay mate and a black DHSS officer
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME SONG AS FOLLOWS - "WOKE UP THIS MORNING BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT FOR/ WITH THE FINAL REMINDERS COMING THROUGH THE DOOR/ THE PLACE IS A MESS, MY SITUATION IS DIRE/ NOW THE KETTLE IS BOILING AND THE TOAST'S ON FIRE/ DON'T WANT A JOB BEING SOMEBODY'S WIFE/ I JUST WANT TO SEE SOME ACTION IN MY LIFE/EVERYBODY SEEMS TO GET ME WRONG/ BUT YOU AND ME, WE USUALLY GET ALONG/ IT'S A FUNNY OLD LIFE FOR LON-DON GI-RLS"
CARTOON CONFUSION about a wizard in charge of titular rock which controls children's dreams. Nemesis is Zordrak, Lord Of Nightmares, plus a mad scientist fellow made of snot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RUNNY
1950S-SET PUBLIC school nostalgiathon, starring RICHARD PASCO as eponymous headmaster George Drummond and JOHN 'course of leeches' GRILLO as Holocaust-surviving science master Sigmund 'Siggy' Guntz. Sole point of interest was lonely bossman taking up with a pupil's mother, played by delectable CIARAN MADDEN. Cue inexplicable stirrings in breast of 12-year-old male viewers. Oh, and the opening titles combined aerial views of Middle England and stirring Elgar-lite years before The Vicar of Dibley.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...POSSESSIVE APOSTROPHES OBVIOUSLY WEREN'T 'CRUCIAL' ENOUGH FOR THE MID-80S
THE DUCHESS OF DUKE STREET
(1976-77)
BBC
SPRAWLING EDWARDIAN household powerplay in style of (and produced by the same bloke as) UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS. Real-life ascent of lowly kitchen maid Rosa Lewis to lofty heights of fashionable society manageress in the shape of GEMMA JONES, your charming Cockney put-upon chef desperate to claw up to higher echelons of 1900s London. Besides slaving over many a hot stove for the Prince Of Wales (ROGER HAMMOND) and Lord Henry Norton (BRYAN COLEMAN) she got bounced into a marriage to DONALD BURTON (Augustus Trotter) which dutifully fell apart, not before opening up impressive Bentinck Hotel at 20 Duke Street, and having baby with CHRISTOPHER CAZENOVE. Requisite "loyal" team of Hotel staff stuck by her despite increasing tendencies towards matriarchal moodswings. Textbook Beeb costumery.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRED DOT COTTON AND ROMANA
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD
(1979-85)
WARNER/PIGGY PRODUCTIONS (!)
"JUST SOME GOOD OL' BOYS." Folkloric deep-south adventures of harmless, loveable outlaws Bo and Luke Duke (TOM WOPAT, JOHN SCHNEIDER), their Uncle Jessie (DENVER PYLE) and sister Daisy (CATHERINE BACH) in the doorless General Lee, always putting one over on nasty old sub-Cool Hand Luke town governor Boss Hogg (SORRELL BROOKE) and his ficko henchman Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane (JAMES BEST). They were just makin' their way, the only way they knew how. If that was just a little bit bolder than the law would allow, then so be it. Bach in denim hotpants and goofball humour were very much the order of the day here. And car chases of course, by the dozen, with the GL being launched over bumps at infeasible angles and then continuing on its way without a scratch. Subsidiary characters included garage mechanic Cooter, the laid back narrator/singer (WAYLON JENNINGS), sub-sheriffs Enos and Cletus (careful how you say it), and Roscoe's annoying dog, Flash. Someday the mountain might get 'em, but the law never will...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BO AND LUKE LATER SWAPPED FOR DUFF RELATIVES COY AND VANCE; RATINGS DULY SLUMPED; GOOD OL BOYS CAME BACK
POST-BLUE PETER green chequered trouser era PETER DUNCAN daredevil portfolio. Brave Pete did stuff The Kids had requested, i.e. pretend to be James Bond, drive a car across the sea and walk on hot coals to much pain.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OW!OWWWW!OUCH!AAAAAAH!!!"
DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS
(1983-84)
BBC1
CONVOLUTED CRAPOLA cartoonery designed to cash in on top early eighties "quiet" children's pursuit. Selection of dreary yank kids go on a "magical roller coaster ride" and end up in fantasy (read - dull, cliche-ridden) land of orcs, goblins and "Venger - the force of evil." Step up "Ranger" (blond twatty leader, real name Hank); "Cavalier" (wanky "coward" bloke, called Eric); "Presto" (comedy nerd magician, name "Magician"); "Bobby" (hateful child with club, aka "Barbarian"); "Acrobat" (or Diane, token black woman) plus miniature unicorn for "I'm going back to save him!" factor. There was another lady, Sheila, who was Bobby's big sister. She could turn invisible by pulling the hood of her cloak over her head; her handle was "Thief", Midget Dungeon Master was the gnomic overseer. Five minutes in, all children in the country were registered "outdoors".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND OF COURSE THEY COULDN'T KILL THE BADDIE, 'COS THEN THEY'D BE "NO BETTER THAN HIM." GAAAAH...
THE DUSTBINMEN
(1968-70)
GRANADA
PROTO-ON THE BUSES rubbish (literally) comedy penned by JACK "STREET" ROSENTHAL. BRYAN PRINGLE, TREVOR "MR. LUCAS" BANNISTER and BRIAN "BRIAN WILDE" WILDE were there, with stupid nicknames aplenty (eg. Bloody Delilah).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SMELLY IBBOTSON'S ON THE KHAZI!"
"OOH AMY!" "Oh David!" "Oh Linda!" "Honestly David!" "Oh no - Robert!" "Yes, Amy!" "Linda, please!" "David - how could you!" "Robert: no!" "Ooooh Amy!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TITLE THEME HAD DIFFERENT BITS FOR EACH CHARACTER, TO WIT: CLATTERING CASTANET CACOPHONY FOR AMY AND DAVID, SUAVE SOPHISTICATED STRUMMING FOR LINDA AND ROBERT
DYNASTY
(1982-89)
AARON SPELLING
SOUTHFORK MAY have been Wogan's favourite Wednesday night residence, but this was his Friday evening fancy and no mistake. JOHN FORSYTHE and LINDA EVANS were Blake and Krystal Carrington, though the central character was of course JOAN COLLINS pouring champagne over her suspenders in the Dallas-esque titles. Also featured Carrington daughter Fallon played initially by PAMELA SUE MARTIN later replaced by EMMA SAMS. Drossometer readings went off the scale on several occasions, particularly at the wedding of the Prince of Moldova (MICHAEL "ROBIN OF SHERWOOD" PRAED, no less) at a European chateau, at which every cast member was massacred, only for them to all get up again and carry on drossing at the start of the next series. DYNASTY II: THE COLBYS continued the pain ending in desperate UFO abduction.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AVAST YE, I SPY THE FAIR JOAN IN THE DISTANCE, HER SHOULDER PADS LIKE TWO QUIVERING SKYSCRAPERS!"
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