D
1/2
Click to find your programme:
A DABBLE WITH DIGANCE to DO THEY MEAN US?
DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE to DYNASTY
D |
Click to find your programme: | |
A DABBLE WITH DIGANCE
(1985)
THAMES
WELL, WHO wouldn't?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRED CAROL BARNES. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK? FOR IT ALL TO BE OVER, PERHAPS?
EARLY VEHICLE for CLIVE "GRANDAD" DUNN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WOULD YOU MIND IF WE WERE EXCUSED?
ANTHROPOMORPHIC PAPER puppetry. The theme song featured a bunch of kid voices singing "Hello to Mr. Owl, What's happening today in Fable Land ?" to which Mr. Owl would reply "More news from our fable land". There were two brothers who were woodworking beavers, a wolf called Boris who spoke like Bela Lugosi and had a penchant for playing the accordion, a rabbity thing called Zippy the Hare (who ran for Prime Minister of the wood), George the Guinea Pig, Mr Crow, Miss Stork (who briefly became queen), a depressed carrier pigeon, Miss Ant, Harold the Bear, Shelley the Tortoise, Mr Cunningham the Fox, Myra and Martha the hamsters, Fulton the trout et al. Five minutes long.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FIVE MINUTES TOO LONG
DAKTARI
(1966-69)
IVAN "GLASTONBURY" TORS
JUNGLE QUACKERY in the Wameru Study Centre where in worked MARSHALL THOMPSON (Dr Marsh Tracy) CHERYL MILLER (his daughter Paula) and HEDLEY MATTINGLEY as The Obligatory Colonial Brit In Uniform. Supporting cast members, including Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion and Judy the Chimp, repeatedly stole show from any zoological fable furnishing.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JOANIE OFF OF HAPPY DAYS WAS ALSO IN IT
SHEPHERD'S BUSH THEATRE, Wednesday night, the 1980s. Wogan is sat on a sofa. Behind him is a big screen. "Now, steady on!" he booms to the nation. "Fix your hats and saddle your horses! It's that time at last! Join me as we set a course westward ho! Oh yes! It's...DALLAS!" In brief, "A rich Texan family faces all kinds of trouble." In full, the brainchild of DAVID JACOBS (not the Radio 2 one, sadly). LARRY HAGMAN (JR), KEN KERCHEVAL (Cliff Barnes), BARBARA BEL GEDDES (Miss Ellie), VICTORIA PRINCIPAL (Pam), CHARLENE TILTON (Lucy), PATRICK DUFFY (Bobby), HOWARD KEEL (Clayton Farlow), LINDA GRAY (Sue Ellen) got burned into the global consciousness via much-parodied three-way split screen grinning intro. JR and Sue Ellen, Bobby and Pam, Lucy and Mitch, Jock and Miss Ellie - sexual tension was everywhere, culminating in top oversold JR shooting and "eagerly awaited" revelation of identity of almost-killer at start of the following season. Gave Tel years worth of material ("Why only one phone?! The hairstyles never move in the howling wind! Wardrobes the size of garages I tell yer!") Tanked with unpopular death of Bobby, and subsequent revelation of him alive, well, and showering: intervening season had all been one of crazy Pamela's dreams. Various characters emigrated north to KNOTS LANDING. Reunion "specials" more frequent than Bush family presidencies.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SUE ELLEN, SO THE (LITTLE AND LARGE-ORIGINATED) SONG WENT, WAS ON JUNK. HER BABY WAS A PUNK. AND BOBBY (BLESS HIM) HAD COME OUT OF THE SEA
PRE-STARDOM BURT REYNOLDS uses nosey gossip to track down filth in Santa Luisa, California.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HI! I'M BURT REYNOLDS! YOU MAY REMEMBER ME FROM SUCH DAN AUGUST EPISODES AS 'WHEN THE SHOUTING DIES', AND 'EPITAPH FOR A SWINGER'!"
IN TRUTH, one big long prelude to infinitely superior THE PRISONER, itself supposedly inspired by lead star PATRICK MCGOOHAN's frustrations at working on this series and being constant plaything of Lord Lew "World Charleston Champion 1926" Grade. McGoohan played John Drake, roving NATO operative assigned to an assortment of back projections around the world. Deliberately "uptight" bloke - drank little, said less. Influence of Bond films prompted revamp away from half hour playlets into bigger budget 60 minute yarns replete with increased gadget count, and McGoohan re-assigned to makebelieve MI9. Also gained interfering boss figure, Hobbs (PETER MADDEN). Long service ultimately gave McGoohan enough leverage with the man Grade to realise his weather balloon fantasies.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SUPPLIED MARK RADCLIFFE WITH GRAVEYARD SHIFT THEME
SMASHING WWII bomb disposal expert saga with ANTHONY "BRIDESHEAD" ANDREWS and MAURICE ROEVES heading a team of sappers clearing up Adolf's mess in south London. Much who's-going-to-cop-it-this-week? excitement.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SNIP THIS LITTLE...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
"CRUMBS!" ONE-EYED cartoon white mouse (DAVID JASON) and a short-sighted mole (Penfold - TERRY SCOTT), despite having only one and a half good eyes between them, continually outwit wheezing frog BARON GREENBACK and STILETTO the mafioso crow (BRIAN TRUEMAN) before reporting to Jimmy Edwardslike Colonel K (EDWARD KELSEY). Another superlative effort from Cosgrove-Hall. English-as-hell humour, in-jokes for the parents and Pythonesque fourth wall narrator interrupting the action make this long overdue a full revival. The mystic stick ("Are you the hairy old twit with the twig thing?"), cunning plans ("Aha! Greenback wants us to think that he thinks we'll think there isn't a drop at all. But I know he thinks that I know he thinks there is!"), the Time Traveller's Potting Shed - it was all here. Dangermouse. Powerhouse.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GOOD SHOW, DM!" "CRIKEY!" "A-HAAAA!" "OOH, 'ECK!" "SI, BARONI!" "GOOD GER-IEF!" "IN WILLESDEN GREEN"
THE DARK SIDE OF THE SUN
(1983)
BBC
THEY HADN'T done one for a while (see THE APHRODITE INHERITANCE), so it was high time the Beeb packed its flip-flops and E111 form for another impenetrable Greek thriller. This time fortune dealt a poor hand to (what a surprise) another unsuspecting tourist who took a holiday snap of an old castle owned by (ditto) a shifty local, here played by PETER EGAN. Said tourist gets lured up to the castle, wherein lies CLIFFORD ROSE as Egan's butler/personal servant, along with all manner of occult silliness, culminating in a plan to raise the ghosts of a chapter of the Knights Templar for, umm, the hell of it. Buried treasure was probably involved. Likewise busty local waitresses. And Greek gods.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALL FROM THE PEN OF APHRODITE HIMSELF, MICHAEL J. BIRD
DASTARDLY AND MUTTLEY IN THEIR FLYING MACHINES
(1969)
HANNA BARBERA
HB'S TOP-RANKING baddie and his doggy in fruitless airborne pursuit of endlessly irritating pigeon with a satchel full of messages. As well as Dick and Muttley there was Klunk, the short inventing one with a neat wrrrpding-brrrd-spleoww speech impediment and Zilly, whose uncontrollable terror caused him to shout "Ohhhh Dear! Ohhhh My!" all the time. Orders were issued by a perpetually apoplectic general who could reach down the phone line to throttle DD when he got stuff wrong. Rarely changing plot was made up of Klunk's latest avionic wonder failing to do anything other than send the crew hurtling earthwards once more. Best bit was Muttley getting a medal, which happened every week by law, and caused him to float around in an ecstatic trance making squeeky noises.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MANIC 'STOP THE PIGEON' THEME HARDWIRED INTO TEN MILLION CHILDREN'S BRAINS
NEXT LINK IN THE Micro chain, this was indeed a Great Leap Forward from the likes of THE COMPUTER PROGRAMME, not least due to the presence of the smooth TONY BASTABLE and the gorgeous JANE ASHTON. Covered a wide range of topics: games (Jet Set Willy, Trashman etc.), business (ie the Sinclair QL), mobile computing, but went one better than its peers by actually transmitting computer programs over the end credits. Except it was all a bit of a palaver, involving a small square flashing in the corner of the TV screen, which you (or rather, your dad) had to cover with already-purchased "special adaptor" to somehow "load" it into your ZX81.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SUPERLATIVE THEME WAS BY LORD RICK WAKEMAN
DAVE ALLEN AT LARGE
(1971-79)
BBC
PREMIER LEAGUE sub-fingered foul-mouthed Catholic pope-baiter on a stool with tumbler and fag railed against the modern and ancient world alike in trademark stream of foetid consciousness style, later ripped off by many a bespangled alternative ranter in the following decade. Most of the show was this studio-bound stuff, but some location sketches (Beast with Five Fingers, Thomas A Beckett, etc.) boasted a stalwart cast including RONNIE BRODY, MICHAEL SHARVELL-MARTIN (next-door neighbour bloke from NO PLACE LIKE HOME), JACQUELINE CLARK and PETER HAWKINS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND BLOODY TROLLEYS! BLOODY SODDING TROLLEYS!"
DAVID CASSIDY - MAN UNDERCOVER
(1978)
NBC
YES, YOU read that right. A PARTRIDGE FAMILY spinoff with little Daveyboy infiltrating a US college drug ring. Lasted just four shows, surprising given the inherant flaw in notion of being David Cassidy "undercover".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HOW CAN YOU BE UNDERCOVER IF YOU'VE STILL GOT YOUR REAL...OH, NEVER MIND
DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS
(1981)
BBC
JOHN DUTTINE dons a raggedy beard and eye patch to battle rattling rubber penis-plants walking on stems.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TRIFFIDS WERE THE NAZIS. OH, OF COURSE.
POST-FAWLTY TOWERS runaround for ANDREW SACHS as a bloke (called Ernest, handily) who gets killed by a champagne cork after winning the pools, goes to heaven and spends the rest of the series trying to get back. Time ticks by in the company of Ethel from EastEnders and Percy from Corrie.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BEETHOVEN AND MOZART LIVE NEXT DOOR
LESS THAN whelming drama effort with DENNIS LAWSON as a detective embroiled in all sorts of untold underworld nastiness, including mackintosh/wellies romping, and who stumbles upon a package which contains...well, that would be telling.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE CLUE'S IN THE TITLE
MISH-MASH OF teencentric comedy sketches aimed at the 13-plus set, often landing mentions on POINTS OF VIEW due to frequent pantomime gore and toilet references. BOB GOODY starred, with TOYAH WILLCOX as "Super Advice Person".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THEM UPSTAIRS" NOT TOO HAPPY
THE LATE, great RALPH BATES was the eponymous hero, dumped via mantlepiece-mounted letter by his wife and forced to take solace in a lonely hearts-style encounter group which turns out to be nutter haven. Group leader is bizarre, rotund woman with no clue whatsoever, other members included a slightly dippy woman for developing love interest with Bates, Ralph, a wooly-hatted loser ("Would you like a ride in my motorcycle combination") played by PETER "PLEASE, SIR" DENYER and Kirk St. Moritz, medallion chauvinist who turned out to be shy mummy's boy in real life.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RE-MADE AS A TEPID JUDD "TAXI" HIRSCH VEHICLE IN US, WHICH THE BEEB THEN BOUGHT OFF THEM TO SHOW A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER AS, UNSURPRISINGLY, DEAR JOHN USA
FLOUNDERING DRAGCOM starring PEBBLE MILL staples Dr. Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Brackett: two blokes in dresses who sang songs, played piano and did feeble gags. Except here they did them in a cottage in some "quintessentially English" rural backwater, and tossed in duff comedic asides on randy middle-aged upper-class women, repairmen, motorbike and sidecar journeys and sherry for good measure.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DEAR LADIES, ALLOW ME TO TAKE YOUR ARM" "WHAT'S WRONG WITH MINE?"
FIRST GLIMPSE of the great Beadlebum in this A-Z, here showing off his huge obsession with trivia and history courtesy of "the world's greatest pranksters". Looked ahead to EUREKA courtesy of format involving same actors (MADELINE SMITH, SYLVESTER MCCOY, MIKE SAVAGE) acting out stories behind great cons, deceptions, hoaxes, crimes and the like. Beadle grew beard especially so he could secretly shave it off and therefore "deceive" hapless viewers.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DEAR OLD HARRY HOUDINI"
DELIA SMITH'S COOKERY COURSE
(1980)
BBC
FONDLY-RECALLED GENTLE introduction to flans with the primary-school teacher charm of Delia, who sometimes went all exotic on us (spaghetti) but always came good in the end.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DON'T BE AFRAID TO EXPERIMENT. THIS IS CALLED A WOK..."
UNHINGED OZ half-hourathon boasting your usual chisel-featured bloke and shapely woman assistant in fitted leather suit. Worked for secret organisation called 'Delta' (but not so secret the firm's van didn't have a huge logo on it).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PLENTY MORE OF THOSE TEARAWAY KIDS (TM) FOR GOOD MEASURE
DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE
(1985-86)
LWT
"A GOLDEN EAGLE Production for London Weekend Television" Ah dear. That ace theme couldn't paper over the flakiness of this one-eye-on-flogging-it-to-the-Yanks effort, wherein New York cop MICHAEL BRANDON teams up with landed gentry LADY GLYNIS BARBER to fight crime on the bonechilling streets of Bloomsbury. Scouse boss Gordon Spikings (RAY SMITH) always acted like he didn't give a shit.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NEITHER DID THE US MARKETS
DEPARTMENT S/JASON KING
(1969-72)
ATV
ORIGINAL WAS a top MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE UK-style Bentleys and fist-fights spy thrillah, with JOEL FABIANI, ROSEMARY NICHOLS and most importantly PETER WYNGARDE, a long-time swarthy baddie in THE SAINT who mutated off into JASON KING. Crazy big band music and seventies graphics, fingers on typewriter keys, etc. King was chief investigator of Department S, the branch of Interpol which specialised in solving unsolvable cases. His other pastime was writing detective fiction featuring a character called Mark Caine, whom King used to pretend to be to help him solve the cases. Long hair, droopy 'bandito' moustache, King was a vain, seventies playboy who wore clothes only Noel Edmonds would wear nowadays (and does) and managed to irritate his fellow detectives with his unconventional antics. Thanks to this programme Wyngarde became the most popular man in Germany. Viewers fed up with Roger Moore's Saint kicking the giblets out of up to three blokes at a time then straightening his tie with not a hair out of place, were charmed into this one because King always got the boot in the baddie's face first, but invariably he was given a good hiding and passed out artfully reaching for a fag or some brandy. Baddies were identifiable by their short-back-and-sides. Swilled brandy, wore frilly shirts, kaftans, and eau de cologne; quite an admission in those pre-Brut days. Entertained glamorous but oddly sexless women (they all were then, except FELICITY KENDAL who appeared as a young Frenchwoman). The spin-off concentrated even more on the debauched and hedonistic lifestyle of our hero who by this time was a freelance, with an even greater selection of implausible plots in glamorous locations (how many times has that panoramic view of Monte Carlo been used?).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU TURN ME ON!" "YOU'RE PRETTY WAY OUT YOURSELF!"
DEPUTY DAWG
(1963-64)
TERRYTOONS
MOUTHORGAN-THEMED TALES of speech-impaired dog deputy sheriff and tussles with Muskie (a muskrat), Vince (short-sighted mole) and racoon amusingly named Ty Coon.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OK, MUSKIE" - LITTLE AND LARGE MADE AN ENTIRE CAREER OFF THIS PHRASE
THE DES O'CONNOR SHOW
(1963-73)
ATV
TITANIC UPHILL STRUGGLE between two equally unimpressive vocations jostling perilously inside the one man: to wit, the half-arsed irritating comic ("Dandy Sandy!"), and then the ultra-laidback, treacly baritone ("I Pretend" etc.). Contest played out on the small screen for a whole bloody decade, and both lost.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FOR JACK DOUGLAS ALONE
FRENCH MEDIEVAL adventure yarn. Title sequence had thundering theme tune over shots of galloping horses hooves and a bunch of crusaders (or possibly only about three of them, with skiful camerawork) charging towards the enemy. Hero was a Knight Templar, with a Jewish sidekick. Fought Saracens and rescued damsels, but mostly the former. Hero had white horse, as is obligatory.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE BLACK HORDES ARE MASSING"
THE DICK EMERY SHOW
(1963-81)
BBC
CROSS-DRESSING ENTENDRE purveyor who virtually owned TV in the 70s thanks to sub-Benny Hill knock-off characters comprising bucktoothed vicar, flirty woman, bover booted union jack-vested "Gaylord" and, of course, mink-encrusted posh society lady. "Ooh, you are awful" went the nation en mass, somewhere around June 1974.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HENRY, LEND ME YOUR TELESCOPE, I WANT TO HAVE A PEEP AT URANUS."
PISTOL-PACKING MASKED MARAUDER who demanded "your money or your life" decision-making from coach-bound rich folk. Summary justice dished out to heroic outlaw on a regular basis, including being tied to burning wheel, hanging, disemboweling. Somehow the blaggard always survived, perhaps to do with the blaggard in question being RICHARD "MAN ABOUT ROBIN'S NEST" O'SULLIVAN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GEORGE AND MILDRED LIVED IN THE NEXT DOOR FOREST. WELL, THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE.
DID YOU SEE?
(1980-87, 1991-93)
BBC
THE GREAT and the good settle down in a beige-toned boudoir set to ruminate upon the small screen highlights of the last seven days. And then once LUDOVIC KENNEDY has shut up, three special guests offer their own four penn'orth of amateur critiquery, usually comprising of a) a posh columnist from Fleet Street b) a stage actor who will confess, by way of an opening apology, "I'm afraid I don't usually have much time for the box - in fact I haven't even got one; and c) a parliamentary backbencher with too much time on their hands. Normal tripartite editions would be interspersed with "specials" devoted to one-on-one interviews wherein Ludo invited topical personalities to listen to some of his obsessions and invite them to lunch at one of his numerous London clubs. A worthy, if dull, attempt at TV talking to the nation about itself. Revived, and pretty much reviled, in the early 90s with JEREMY PAXMAN in charge of proceedings, including that dicey opening monologue ("Tough times for people in power this week - yup, BBC mandarins have been trying to explain why Los Barcos has rather turned out to be Costa Packet").
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO WE DIDN'T
DIFF'RENT STROKES
(1978-86)
NBC
WIDOWED MILLIONAIRE adopts two black kids, Willis and Arnold (GARY COLEMAN, purveyor of wisecrackery and "brave" illness-baiting stance), to go with ever-superfluous sister Kimberly. Coleman said "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?". Every week.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NOW, THE WORLD DON'T MOVE TO THE BEAT OF JUST ONE DRUM/WHAT MIGHT BE RIGHT FOR YOU MAY NOT BE RIGHT FOR SOME/A MAN IS BORN/HE'S A MAN OF MEANS/THEN ALONG COME TWO/THEY'VE GOT NOTHING BUT THEIR JEANS..."
A CONTRADICTION in terms, surely?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHAT WAS HE SAYING ABOUT THAT DAY JOB?
DIGBY: THE BIGGEST DOG IN THE WORLD
(1973)
TFC
CHRISTMAS TELLY staple for the entire late seventies concerning Loveable Old English Spang- er, Sheepdog who swallowed some hazily-defined top secret formula and grew to huge size with comical results. Dodgy superimposition, naff "inside of dog's mouth" model, JIM DALE, VICTOR SPINETTI, BOB TODD and even SPIKE MILLIGAN featured.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND WAS THERE A REGULATION DODGY THEME SONG? NATURALLY! "WHEN I SAW YOU THERE WITH YOUR LONG SHAGGY HAIR, I KNEW/AND YOUR BIG BROWN EYES SAID 'I'M LOOKING FOR A BOY LIKE YOU'/YOU'RE MY DOG/YOU'RE MY DOG/YOU'RE MINE/DIIIIG-BYYY..."
DIMENSION OF FEAR
(MID 1960s)
ATV
ALIEN DIMENSION terrorises sleepy rural village via a secret space research lab.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STARRED ROBIN "POTTER" BAILEY AND ARTHUR OFF ON THE BUSES AS A COPPER
FARFLUNG OUTPOST of a pre-BLANK Terence of Wogan empire, wherein our host would take time out of his Sunday afternoon post-prandial repose to grill minor celebs on their knowledge of all things poppermost, before introducing some "half-time" "entertainment" accompanied by the BBC Orchestra.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HASTEN THE READY STICKS
THE DISTRICT NURSE
(1984-87)
BBC
NERYS HUGHES singlehandedly rids the Welsh valleys of all known diseases.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE YOUNG ROMANY BOY'S JUST DIED - AND I'M NOT 'AVIN' IT!"
DIXON OF DOCK GREEN
(1955-76)
BBC
JACK WARNER singlehandedly rids England of all known criminals.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NOW SOME OF THE LADS DOWN THE STATION SAY 83 IS TOO OLD TO BE A DESK SERGEANT. TSK!"
VERY EAGER "Hey! Let's make stuff!" bazaar for holiday mornings, presented by tomboyish SHEELAGH GILBEY, supposed "Editor" of the "Do It supplement" to some fictional rag or other. Featured the great Professor Stanley Unwin on more than one occasion.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HAD ITS OWN "RAP". HMM.
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SET
(1968-69)
ASSOCIATED-REDIFFUSION/THAMES
TOP NOTCH TEETH-CUTTING playground for Messrs IDLE, JONES and PALIN, with DAVID JASON and DENISE COFFEY along for the ride. Ostensibly for kids, but grown-ups supposedly left work early to catch it. BONZO DOG DOO DAH BAND looked in.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SUBTITLED "THE FAIRLY POINTLESS SHOW"
"THEY SURELY DO!" Grizzled ex-tabloid overlord DEREK JAMESON who'd worked in Fleet Street since he was three or something decides to adopt new Rantzen-esque persona for mirthless melange of "hilarious" news reports from around the world examining just what those wacky foreigners think of us, the Great British Public. Cue winsome Japanese news reports about beefeaters and the Sinclair C5, interjected by salt of the earth nuggets of "wit" from Jameson and his cross-examination of bemused by-passers in the street. Instant stardom followed, bizarrely, reaching its apex with Radio 2 breakfast show ("Morning, Morning!") and NATIONWIDE rehash PEOPLE: "Hope'n'glory, wot's your story?" demanded Dezza after the nasty theme song ("People like you/who/once in a while/will smile/and tell the story of their lives...").
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO SUED RADIO 4'S WEEKENDING OVER "JOKE" AND LOST EVERY PENNY
D |
Click to find your programme: | |