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THE EAGLE OF THE NINTH to EXPERIMENT
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THE EAGLE OF THE NINTH
(1977)
BBC
BLUSTERING PERIOD ROMP based on school library staple. ANTHONY HIGGINGS, feted Roman solider, embarks on fateful quest for ninth legion gold Eagle standard.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BRITONS ALL STOPPED FOR TEA, LIKE IN ASTERIX
DO YOU SEE? Typically woeful attempt at pop-fest by junior C4, hosted by GARY CROWLEY straight off FUN FACTORY and into a ginger mullet. Guests of the calibre of Freeez and Modern Romance.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GREETINGS, Y'ALL! CROWLEY 'ERE" AAAAAH! GET IT OFF!
THIS IS more like it. Nuclear wasteathon with BOB PECK on the hunt for the killers of daughter JOANNE "PISS OFF, VAL" WHALLEY and encountering JOE DON BAKER, Captain Hastings, Eric Clapton's guitar, the Barbican, Lord Percy, loads of big fuck-off bars of radioactive metal, black daisies and a vibrator along the way. Spoiler: turns into a tree at the end.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."Y'EVER SEEN PLUTONIUM BEFORE FOLKS? HERE IT IS!"
EDUCATING MARMALADE
(1981-84)
THAMES
RELIABLE "TEARAWAY" travails from pen of ANDREW "VERY PECULIAR" DAVIES, blessed with memorable lead from great CHARLOTTE COLEMAN. End-of-tether father played by JOHN BIRD, mum by LYNDA MARCHAL (later CAROL MACREADY). Titular preserve-named pest had already been kicked out of at least 10 schools at the start; proceeded to be expelled from a dozen or so more, each episode revolving around "hapless" local education authority personages trying to tame her - in one instance despatching her to the latest establishment inside a nailed-up crate. Regular parodies of other existing TV shows (always a good sign) i.e. "Cringe Hill" and "The Kids From Shame". Second series followed Marmalade's attempts to survive the World Of Work, and the efforts of her social worker Wendy Wooley (ELIZABETH ESTENSEN) to get her off her casebook for good. JOHN FORTUNE, WINDSOR DAVIES, STRATFORD JOHNS looked in as Harrassed Grown-Ups.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BAD MANNERS THEME TUNE SET UP PREMISE: "THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE/WAS EDUCATING MISS MARMALADE."
EDWARD AND MRS. SIMPSON
(1978)
THAMES
BROWBEATINGLY PLAY-IT-SAFE dramatisation done on crappy videotape of hush-hush liaison between King Edward VIII (EDWARD FOX) and - oh no! - divorced American Wallis Simpson (CYNTHIA HARRIS). Subsequent abdication "furore" "rocked" "polite" "society". All whispers of supposed Nazi "sympathies" brushed under very large carpet. Went on for ever. Unlike Edward VIII (ho ho).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CONFUSING "DANCED WITH THE MAN WHO DANCED WITH THE MAN WHO DANCED WITH THE PRINCE OF WALES" THEME TUNE BOLLOCKS
EDWARD DE BONO'S LATERAL THINKING COURSE
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
ANOTHER OF those nothing-ventured, nothing-won Sunday morning fillers, with top 70s/80s annoying old bugger De Bono showing us how to "maximise your brain" by using it to think up things no-one else would. Whether these things were of any use to anyone was beside the point - lateralness was all.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EXAMPLE: THE "INVENTION" TEST - TAKE TWO UNRELATED THINGS (E.G. A CAMERA AND A TILE) AND COMBINE THEM INTO A NEW INVENTION (A CAMERA WHICH TAKES FOUR PICTURES AT ONCE, LIKE TILES). IT WAS POINTED OUT THAT THIS WAS FUCKING USELESS. "IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE..." PROTESTED THE BALDING CHARLATAN. IT ALWAYS BLOODY WELL WAS!
NOT THE same Eddie as him above; rather his dad, and Queen Victoria's replacement. TIMOTHY WEST roared and roistered through the conveniently titled Edwardian era with as much conviction that video tape could allow. Victor Meldrew's missus was his mum, Tom Good's missus his daughter, Siegfried Farnon his son, plus, in no particular order, Professor Quatermass (the good one) his Prime Minister, JOHN GIELGUD another Prime Minister, MICHAEL HORDERN a third, Catwezle a fourth (Eddie was around a hell of a long time) and Slartibartfarst a fifth. FRANCESCA ANNIS turned up as Lillie Langtry, later spinning-off in the titular LWT periodathon. The present Mrs Windsor gave permission to let the production use Sandringham, no doubt after a phone call from the Lord thy Grade.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE PRIME MINISTER TO SEE YOU, YOUR HIGHNESS" "AH YES. FOR THE SAKE OF THE PLOT - AND THE VIEWERS - REMIND ME AGAIN: IS IT DISRAELI, GLADSTONE, PALMERSTON, SALISBURY, CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN OR ASQUITH?"
EH, BRIAN, IT'S A WHOPPER!
(1984)
CENTRAL
POST-AUF WIEDERSEHEN, PET angling antics of a Friday night which failed miserably to come up to high standards set by predecessor. Lots of arguments about weekends spent fishing: "But your mother's coming on Saturday" and boxes of maggots in the fridge, that kind of thing.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EEL MET MY MOONLIGHT
EL QUIOSCO DEL TELEFONO
(LATE 1970s)
SEMINAL SHORT horror film of indeterminate Spanish origin, premiered in the UK on BBC2 in Royal Wedding '81 week, then shown endlessly on early Channel 4 between OTV commercials. Mustachioed middle-aged guy has trouble in a telephone box, then discovers - aaaagh! He can't get out! He calls for help to passers by, but they seem more amused than anything, and a crowd gathers. Finally, a fork lift comes to unload the box onto a truck, where it's driven out of town into a deserted warehouse where...ah, now that would be spoiling it!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ACTUALLY, IT WOULDN'T REALLY. IN THE WAREHOUSE THERE WERE...LOADS OF OTHER PHONE BOXES CONTAINING TORTURED-LOOKING CORPSES IN VARIOUS STATES OF DECAY. AND THAT'S IT. "NEXT ON FOUR: ALL OUR YESTERDAYS!"
BY THIS POINT THE home computer boom of ver 80s was collapsing fast. So who better to send for then FRED "ME AND MY" HARRIS to helm a more user-friendly pot-pourri-esque techie showcase (Armed robots! Walking robots! Seeing robots! Er, Switch cards!) replete with, inevitably, that Eddie Grant song even though Brixton locations were less than present.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IN TEN YEARS WE'LL ALL BE WATCHING THESE: THEY'RE CALLED LASER DISCS!"
NORTHERN IRELAND. No dialogue. Someone gets shot. Then someone else. Then another. And a few dozen more. Film ends. Wins shitloads of awards in Europe. Directed by Alan Clark.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT THAT ALAN CLARK. ALTHOUGH THAT WOULD'VE BEEN INTERESTING.
ELEPHANT'S EGGS IN A RHUBARB TREE
(1971)
THAMES
ON-THE-CHEAP JACKANORY-MEETS-PLAY AWAY effort with RICHARD BECKINSALE and others reading out nonsense poems from the likes of Spike Milligan and Ivor Cutler.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HA HA HA, HEE HEE HEE/ELEPHANT'S EGGS IN A RHUBARB TREE..." WENT THE THEME
GLENDA JACKSON shaves her head, wears a beak and paints her face white in order to rule England for 60 years. Giving her a warm hand on her entrance - but forsooth no more than that - were ROBERT "VET'NARIAN" HARDY, BERNARD "ARTOIS" HEPTON, LEONARD "GOOD OLD" SACHS, RONALD "TROUBLESHOOTER" HINES, ROBIN "CLUEDO" ELLIS, ANGELA "MARJORY FROBISHER" THORNE, MICHAEL "CHARLIE CHALK" WILLIAMS, PETER "MARTIN!" EGAN and anyone else who mattered.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NASAL
TWO PARAMEDICS in LA County go around clearing up other people's mess and, indeed, other people.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MUSIC BY NELSON "BATMAN" RIDDLE
EMERGENCY WARD 10
(1957-67)
ATV
BEDPAN-WIELDING BEDROCK of early ITV schedules, running twice-weekly for nigh on a decade before The Right Reverend Lew Grade pulled the plug ("one of the biggest mistakes of my career" he moped). Action based at fictional Oxbridge General Hospital, initially concentrating on fortunes of Nurse Pat Roberts (ROSEMARY MILLER) before cast bloated with stars-to-be including DESMOND "ALL TIME GREATS" CARRINGTON, RICHARD "EMMERDALE" THORP, RAY "TROUBLESHOOTERS" BARRATT and JOHN "...AND PAULINE COLLINS" ALDERTON, while roll call of "celebrity" sickies threw up ALBERT FINNEY, IAN HENDRY, JOANNA LUMLEY and countless hundreds more. Strict rules regarding corpse count: five per year to begin with, later revised - downwards - to a crappy two. Dependable ratings-winner and source of, inevitable, spin-offs including Call Oxbridge 2000 and 24-Hour Call plus big screen cash cow Life In Emergency Ward 10. Revived in selfless gesture by Uncle Lew as GENERAL HOSPITAL.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ST JOHN AMBULANCE BOSSES SLAMMED CAST AS "FEATHER-HEADED FLIBBERTIGIBBETS"
ON THE ROPES and on the way out vehicle for the Dickster, taking the form of a murder mystery serial in a stately home. Naturally Emery did all (or at least most) of the characters, including obligatory be-turbanned "comedy Asian".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OOH, IT WAS AWFUL
EMMERDALE FARM
(1972-NOW)
YORKSHIRE
BANISH FROM YOUR MIND the current sex-in-the-shit-sheds kaboodle. Older, gentler Beckindale was a lunchtime joy. In them days it were 't Sugdens at heart o't'village and 'tis raining on t'cows again. Widowed Annie had to keep the farmyard crap-free and old grandad Sam on the straight while sons Joe (FRAZER HINES) and Jack did the digging and delving. Farmhand Matt Skilbeck fell under spell of local siren Dolly. Down at The Woolpack Amos Brearley and "Mr" Wilkes tapped the finest for woolly-hatted Seth and co. Much angst derived from arrival of commercial farming methods and assorted bad eggs on the nearby estate. Ubiquitous vicar relied on for confessions, wise counsel and other assorted character interaction duties. Turning point came when Phil Redmond flew a plane into the village, the Spice Girls moved in and everyone discovered shagging.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HAST THA SEEN T'INSEMINATING KIT?"
RAMBLING AND RUMBUSTIOUS DALLAS parody set in the boardroom of a large industrial company run by John Steed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OTT
ARCHETYPAL GROUNDBREAKING-THEN, what's-all-the-fuss-about-now affair, charting the fortunes and failings of residents in the titular racially mixed Handsworth street. NORMAN BEATON was the wise-worded patriarch; CORINNE SKINNER-CARTER his other half; JOE MARCELL, WAYNE LARYEAR, NALINI MOONASAR and ROSA ROBERTS dropped by with a storyline or two.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RUDOLPH WALKER MOVED IN NEXT DOOR FOR THE SECOND SERIES
EMU'S BRAND NEW PINK WINDMILL SHOW/WORLD
(MID 1980s)
CENTRAL
SADLY, THIS is what the majority of people remember Rod Hull for. Moving away from the inventive and funny Goodies/Kenny Everett madness of the Beeb's EBC-1 show, Hull and Bird washed up on the other side with this less appetising cutesy pantomime romp. Set in a cartoon Pink Windmill (a studio set full of stage school kids), Rod and Emu performed various inconsequential whimsies, with frequent interruptions from green witch Grotbags (CLAIRE DAVENPORT), who was constantly trying to kidnap Emu for some reason. Rod gave his arm a rest on occasion by slipping Emu into a wicker basket, and the entire cast gave our brains a drubbing with the "there's somebody at the door!" chant. Occasionally the banal script was forgotten in the odd sub-Tiswas moment of studio anarchy, but not often. In the later 'World, Grots acquired two rubbish camp costumed helpers - effeminately-voiced corcodile Croc and the even more effeminate gold-plated Robot Redford. Action switched from sketches to a more prolonged storyline in sub-Rentaghost mould, including blue-screen flying vacuum cleaners called "Hovergrots". Fowl play indeed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND THEN CAME THAT ENTIRELY ANIMATED SERIES, STILL IN THAT DARNED WINDMILL!
EMU'S BROADCASTING COMPANY
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
.JPG)
.JPG)
WHEREAS THIS, on the other hand... Take Rod Hull, a fake plastic arm, a bit of Goodies slapstick here, a bit of Python media parody there, and a good amount of Kenny Everett-style mayhem. Stir liberally in Television Centre. Hey presto: EBC-1, complete with a mock 'handover' from a Beeb announcer before each programme, with tea lady and brown-coated cameraman/technician (top turn BILLY DAINTY) and witty spoof shows like Doctor Who with pedal bins as Daleks, 'Yesterday's World' (Tomorrow's World with spoof fried-egg titles sequence), Open University pisstakes Open Emuversity/Closed University ("And that's how this bridge was made. I'll just run over that again"), endless ads for multi-purpose miracle product Scunge, frequent technical difficulties caused by Emu's stab-happy approach to the control panel, and much mayhem of the sort viewers were familiar with from numerous Parky and Royal Variety Show appearances. Rod would go out on location (school canteen, village fete, etc.) and Emu would, inevitably, cause messy chaos. Remember him this way!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HE'S REALLY VERY SHY, IT'S NOT...OOOF! AAAGH!"
ANOTHER SUNDAY morning "improving" children's show from the Beeb, this time concentrating on the "fast growing" sport of fencing. Kids plus grown up mentors discussed the finer points of the foil, and demonstrations took place with the legendary call of "En garde! Ready..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."...PLAY!"
THE ENCHANTED CASTLE
(1979)
BBC
MORE FROM THE fortuitously prolific pen of E. Nesbitt, but stuffed full of the usual upper class Edwardian drawing rooms peopled by Posh Edwardian Children, here discovering a "magic ring" with wish-conferring capabilities. Each wish, naturally, had an unfortunate sting in the tail. So, a row of hastily constructed mannekins (an audience for the children's pantomime) unexpectedly came to life as terrifying "Ugly-Wuglies", the thieving cock-er-ney maid's magical shopping spree wrought disastrous consequences and, in the most memorable moment, marble statues in the grounds took it upon themselves to start wandering around at night. Literal wish-fulfilment for those upper class kids who lived up the road from you. For those of us watching not a) Edwardian b) posh c) in a drawing room, all there was to wish for were the delights of riding around in a dinosaur, perpetual invisibility, or an indoor toilet.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST WISH FOR A MILLION MORE WISHES?
SUBLIME SUNDAY AFTERNOON comedy from Andrew Marshall and David Renwick with DENISE "DO NOT ADJUST" COFFEY and TONY "CHISH AND FIPS" AITKEN as Vera and Norman Straightman plus the ever-reliable FRED HARRIS. Whole thing born out of surreal Radio 4 effort The Burkiss Way. Series 1 was a parody of CORONATION STREET, with similar titles and themes, as the Straightmans (men?) sat at home in their living room, watching the telly, from which the sketches would 'emerge' into their house. When one sketch finished, one of them would say something like "OK, time to go in here" and would physically slide the scenery from the old sketch to the new. This was all dropped in series 2 until the end of the last episode when they both walked in and asked how come they weren't in this series. They also did away with opening titles and played about with the LWT logo like mad. Other highlights:
- Tone and Denise call someone in to fix their gas television and he explains that they are going to knock the house down instead.
- WW3 breaks out, with the destruction of various British cities being announced like sports results: 'Wales fries', 'Frizzle's the kiddo for South Yorkshire'.
- Larry Grayson's Fat Ladies Embarrassment Game. At the time the 'Game had celebrities just popping up for no reason at all; on Fat Ladies a contestant gets asked who her favourite celebrities were. She says Kenny Everett and "Larry" says well that's great because here's...Yasser Arafat!!
- Mr & Mrs sketch from Boredom Television, with the couple pouring syrup on their heads in the titles and a game of chess-boxing where the moves are to kick the opponent in the balls. "You could cut the atmosphere with a tape editing machine".
- Two old women going to the cinema and buying tickets to sit 'in the film'.
- Two valkyries walking back together after doing the shopping.
- The Queen visiting a theatre and being presented with flowers, and a footman walking behind her holding a dustbin for her to throw them all in.
- A parody of the multi-story Amicus horror films where a number of characters find themselves in a mysterious house, discussing their 'disturbing' dreams.
- Denise auditioning for the new Test Card.
- A superhero applying to board at the Straightman house, and holding up comic speech balloons to his mouth and Denise responding: 'Oh we don't talk like that round here.'
- Denise unwrapping her chips and finally getting down to just one single chip (wrapped in a many many layers of newspaper and greasproof paper).
- An episode starting with the LWT logo, followed by another LWT logo, followed by two more...
- A quiz game; the quizmaster asking the contestants, "what...is this?" The programme goes straight into adverts. Return to the quiz. Contestant: 'A commercial break?'
- The episode where the team did a Python and rolled the credits over a sketch halfway through the programme so they could do a quick trick ending later on. Granada continuity bloke actually spoke over the credits - over the sketch dialogue!!! - just to say that the show would be back same time next week.
- Fred Harris being interviewed for a job in a spider's web.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DICKIE DAVIES PRESENTING WORLD OF SPORT STRAPPED TO A LIE DETECTOR: "AND WE'VE GOT A GREAT PROGRAMME FOR YOU TODAY"...BZZZZT!!!
THE END OF THE END OF THE PIER SHOW
(1981)
SOUTHERN
WEIRD ONE-OFF for kids which waxed lyrical about the bygone age of the seaside pier, with JACK "GERROFF!" DOUGLAS, PEGGY MOUNT and such old stagers as NORMAN VAUGHAN and CARDEW "THE CAD" ROBINSON.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRIT BY SID "ARMY GAME" COLIN
END OF THE LINE
(1984)
BBC SCOTLAND
DOCUDRAMA-ANTHOLOGY OF employment (and lack of) in Irvine New Town.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STARRED ANDREW "KING'S ROYAL" KEIR
THE END OF THE PIER SHOW
(1974-75)
BBC
IN NO WAY RELATED to the above, this way lies - yikes - satire, courtesy of (already) creaky moniker-sharing threesome JOHNS WELLS, FORTUNE and BIRD. Basically, pisstakes of Victorian seaside playlets with the likes of PETER "A BERMB?" SELLERS, MADELEINE "EUREKA!" SMITH and NEIL "NOT AN OFFICIAL PYTHON" INNES walking on a few lines.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FUTURE MACCA COLLABORATOR CARL DAVIS SUPPLIED THE TUNES
AN ENGLISHMAN'S CASTLE
(1978)
BBC
KENNETH MORE is ageing harassed scriptwriter living in alternative England 30 years after successful Nazi conquest; pens titular soap opera as part of formal collaboration, then wonders whether to use position for other means - i.e. smashing 1000-year Reich.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FUTURE PET SHOP BOY COLLABORATOR ENNIO MORRICONE SUPPLIED THE TUNES (BLIMEY, THIS IS GETTING IMPRESSIVE)
THICKIE SUB-SHERRIF off of THE DUKES OF HAZARD moves to LA and teams up with obligatory I-Spy style black partner.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SHIT, AND NO FOOLIN'
ENTERTAINMENT USA
(1983-86)
BBC
CONVICTED FELON JONATHAN KING spends three years on an extended jolly arseing around the States washing up in a different US city each week but always wearing the same stupid baseball cap. At least it got him out of the country.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STUPID KING THEME TUNE TO BOOT: "DER NERNNER DER NERNER DER NERNER DER NERNER DER NERNER DER NERNERNERNERNERN - SLAP - OW!" SEND HIM DOWN, M'LUD
WE-WERE-THERE-FIRST STATES-SIDE sitcommery bundled out here on a Friday night and starring ELLIOTT "MASH" GOULD as (sitcom surname alert!) Dr. Sheinfeld and, uncannily, JASON ALEXANDER as (sitcom sidekick alert!) the sidekick.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME SONG: "I GOT A REAL EMERGENCY HERE AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. THERE'S SO MUCH TENSION IN THE ATMOSPHERE, I'M IN A PANIC AND I MIGHT NOT GET THROUGH. THE SYMPTOMS, THEY ARE REALLY SEVERE AND MY PULSE IS POUNDING BOOM BOOM BOOM." NOT EXACTLY ONLY WHEN I LAUGH.
MAVERICK IMPRESARIO KEN CAMPBELL's foray into educational TV produced this oddity. Campbell, as mysterious DR WHO figure Erasmus Microman (pronounced, stupidly, meecroman), leaps out of a telly and takes two Posh Kids on a journey to meet Galileo/Einstein/Da Vinci etc., with surprisingly little educational content. Nor entertainment, for that matter.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STICK WITH THE ROADSHOW
EARLY ENTRY in the 1970s Children's Telly Fantasy Catalogue. Ticked all the soon-to-be-familiar boxes - posh kids; eerie house; weird powers; quasi-religious overtones; iffy effects - but scared many shitless by virtue of not having already been done a million times before. Revolved around a sick girl who drew stuff which then appeared in her dreams.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MADE INTO A FILM, PAPERHOUSE, IN 1988
.JPG)
.JPG)
"EUREKA - OR, I HAVE FOUND IT!" trilled Beadlebum in the first episode, welcoming viewers to his personal playground peopled by that bloke who invented the biro and that woman who created the safety pin and that other one who thought up the zip. A CLIVE DOIG creation, so "learning is fun" element well to the fore. Stock repetory - MIKE SAVAGE, MADELINE SMITH, THE CRAP DR WHO and others - re-enacted the discoveries while first Jeremy, later PAUL MCDOWELL, tittered from the sidelines. WILF LUNN served up interludes by way of disaster-prone useless inventions, usually an exploding seagull-shaped hat.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THE BULLDOG CLIP HAD SUCH A TRAUMATIC HISTORY!"
EVER DECREASING CIRCLES
(1984-89)
BBC
"WE'RE RESPECTABLE PEOPLE, not the London School of Economics!" Best sitcom of the 1980s, beyond a doubt, still unfairly misremembered or simply maligned to this day. RICHARD BRIERS (Martin) lives perfectly-ordered, uber-anal life working for Mole Valley Valves, running 57 different varieties of youth clubs and social get-togethers and generally fussing about the upkeep of The Close. Married to PENELOPE WILTON (Anne) who finds him alternately insane and insatiable. Next-door class A cad PETER EGAN (Paul) is better than Martin at everything, including being nice to Anne. Other neighbours Howard and Hilda build wicker donkeys, sport matching sweaters and pop round for cups of tea. And that's more or less it. Aside from lunatic pensioners, road protests, errant washing machines, Civil War re-enactments, referee controversies, cricket tournaments, snooker tournaments, the Open University, Neighbourhood Watch fraudsters and misplaced telephone receivers. From the magisterial pens of Esmonde and Larbey. "There's a dead monkey in there!" "My God!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OHHHHH...BOLSHEVIKS!"
EVERY SECOND COUNTS
(1986-93)
BBC
THE SECOND, and undoubtedly the greatest, instalment of PAUL DANIELS's great Beeb game show trilogy (alongside ODD ONE OUT and WIPEOUT), this was a long runner and no mistake. You knew you were in for a thrilling time when the announcer welcomed you to "EVERY! SECOND! COUNTS!" with the camera zooming into a door on every word, before Paul walked through it and gave a toe-curlingly twee wave. Three heterosexual couples would face true or false questions ("If you think it's a Beatles song, say 'fab'!"), talking it in turns to be in the 'driving seat' and give the answers - double the points in the second half, so of course the husbands always went second. There was a nice "boo-wip" sound effect if they got it right and a nice "uh-uuur" sound effect if they didn't. Paul would often dispense silly hats and props in one of the rounds to jolly things along a bit. The winning couple would go through the final to win progressively better prizes, and at this point it was the law that somebody in the room would ask if they actually won all the prizes. In fact they didn't, what with it being licence payers' money, with the previous prize being grabbed back when you won the next. It was all a bit low-rent next to the glamorous ITV opposition but ran forever anyway. Everyone's favourite bit came at the end, though, when there was an extra twiddly bit in the theme tune to allow Paul to do an even more toe-curlingly twee wave.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHEN THEY GAVE AWAY A TELLY, IT ALWAYS HAD EVERY SECOND COUNTS WRITTEN ON IT IN TELETEXT
EVERYBODY HERE!
(1982-3)
CHANNEL 4
BEARDED BUMPKIN MICHAEL ROSEN leads kids in song, poem, story, poem and music ministravaganza with an "all nationalities/races etc. inclusive" spin. Watching viewers flee at sight of hirsute horror.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."EVERYBODY, VERYBODY, ERYBODY, RYBODY, YBODY, BODY, ODY, DY, Y!"
POOOOOOWWWEEEEEEE! MINIMALIST single rising tone theme heralded start of this minimalist hands-only-visible chemistry show. JACK "POND LIFE" SMITH was straight in his seat as narrator, always ordering viewers to record the results of the on-screen experiment. Production costs kept to a minimum by having no end-credits music over a static shot of wind-blown thistles or a bunsen burner. Ripped off charmlessly by LOOK AROUND YOU.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."ONE POINT NOUGHT NOUGHT CCs. WRITE THAT DOWN!"
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