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TOOK TURNS with FAX (see above) to plug gap between end of children's programmes and the news until Erinsborough beckoned. A format first tried out in Northern Ireland, here was ex-Miss United Kingdom DEBBIE GREENWOOD (replacing the original Louise Bachelor) living up to her uselessly archaic title by blanding over as host of an interschools general knowledge quiz. "Highlights" included Duran Duran (or rather, by that time, Duranduran) hidden behind a "spinning golden disc" (CDs, see? New technology! "How exciting!") and a brief section in which they played Konami's vintage Hypersports (including "a rather complicated spring and vault"), showcasing ace new digital tech again. Later games included the monumentally rubbish Paperboy and some skateboarding effort. Plus there was Eugene, the programme's very own 'Microcomputer'. Just before the first question, Debbie Greenwood would always ask Eugene if he/it was ready. "Eugene Ready" would then appear at the bottom of the screen. Such a waste of high technology - all Eugene ever did was keep score.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OTHER HALF TOO BUSY TO APPEAR AS HE WAS WRITING THE DOMESDAY BOOK
PLAYGROUP POINTS OF VIEW fronted by Granada announcer SUE ROBBIE, first as regional Sunday afternoon filler, then as part of Children's ITV. Usual complains from disaffected nation: not enough programmes about BMX, Mick Robertson's a tosser, etc. BOB HOLNESS showed up one week in response to viewer's complaints that BLOCKBUSTERS' two-v-one format was "unfair". Horrible northern child would read out the address at the end, guaranteeing proceedings always ended on a downer.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."FIRST POST, GRANADA TV, MANCHESTER, M60 9EEEEEEEEEH-AAAAAAYYYYYYY"
300 SECONDS OF shazam shambolics wherein the likes of The Great Kovari and the inevitable ALI BONGO did tyro trickery in front of the camera while the clock ticked. Much proferring of white gloves and coloured flags. "And if I just give a tug here..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FELT MORE LIKE FIVE HOURS
"AS I SAT at my small kitchen table this morning, a thought formed in my mind: what price the peace of one man's soul?" Infamous Epilogue-esque pontifications that popped up just after mid-morning BBC1 kids programmes delivered by out-of-work thespian types, usually JOSS ACKLAND. Poems, short stories and so forth of an ecclesiastical bent. Taken over by obnoxious stage school kids during summer holidays. Small screen equivalent of Jehovah's Witnesses rattling at your front door. Go away!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CHRIST ALMIGHTY. LITERALLY.
ONCE MORE UNTO Edwardian England for another bout of tears'n'trauma drawing room dramatics. Location was crumbling country estate owned by the demented Russell family, to where orphan Christine Parsons get sent, and at where she gets terrorised by mad uncle Russell, sadistic son Mark and lecherous son William. Who also happens to be an aeroplane nut. Much soapyness then abounds courtesy of riding accidents, flying accidents, screaming, burning barns, deaths of most of the major characters (including, notably, CAROL LEADER's husband) and brothers coming back from the grave.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STILL A THEME PARK IN HELSTON, CORNWALL
FLAMINGO ROAD
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
WELCOME TO the Florida swamps where ambitious politician Fielding Carlyle (MARK HARMON) jousts with his scheming political wife Constance (MORGAN FAIRCHILD in eye-shadow overload) and his real true love, singer Lane Ballou. Dropping by are wealthy paper mill owner Claude Weldon, his wife Eudora and son Skipper; construction magnate Sam Curtis; newspaper publisher Elmo Tyson and the shady saloon-keeper Lute-Mae Sanders. Michael Tyronne sought revenge against the bleeding lot for past crimes committed against his father, while corrupt and powerful sheriff Titus Semple made it his point to know everyone's business.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
THE FLASHING BLADE
(EARLY 1970s)
FORGET YOUR WILLY FOGG and DOGTANIAN: this was most definitely the right kind of poorly-dubbed European export. Sublime swashbuckler epic kicks off with war breaking out between France and Spain. A French castle is beseiged. The hero (the Chevalier de Rechy, lithe and sexy) and his sidekick (Guillot, a bit of a podge) are sent to get help from a nearby duke. The Spanish try to stop them. They have various escapades on the way including joining a troupe of hey-nonny-nonny travelling players and being nearly stitched up by crooked emissaries of the Pope. Ends in a big battle and the hero's swordfight with the Spaniards head honcho, Don Alonso. Hero gets duke's daughter though she had earlier betrayed him to the Spanish after he was seen snogging another girl while dressed as a hey-nonny-nonny travelling player. Sidekick gets the duke's daughter's maid (class system thereby remaining intact for at least another generation). Absolutely belting theme tune ("You've got to fight for what you want, for all that you believe...as long as you have done your best, then no one can do more, and live and love and happiness are well worth fighting for") and ace incidental music. Zounds and hurrah!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LAMENTABLE "COMEDY" DUBBED VERSION LATER SURFACED AS PART OF ON THE WATERFRONT, WRITTEN BY DR WHO CREATOR RUSSELL T DAVIES
THE FLAXTON BOYS
(1969-73)
YORKSHIRE
GREAT GREAT GRANDFATHER of every Sunday teatime period drama adaptation ever. Sprawling series followed adventures of four generations of the titular family, who dwelt in, naturally, a haunted house and divided their time between looking scared and going off in search of secret treasure. Spanned 1854-1944. Episodes lasted almost as long.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CREATED BY SID "JOSSY'S GIANTS" WADDELL, NO LESS
"FLICK THROUGH the pages of a book," urged RAINBOW splinter-group Rod and Freddy in the theme. "There may be something that'll make you stop and look." Plymouth's CHRISTOPHER LILLICRAP, whose name really did make kids stop and look, then read a kids' book, sang a kids' song, waved a kid's goodbye-till-next-time.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I KNOW A SONG ABOUT THAT" GET AWAY!
FLIGHT OF THE CONDOR
(1984)
BBC
ANDESCENTRIC NATURETHON known for much footage of eponymous bird and those two-foot purple centipedes, besides introducing dreaded 80s parping panpipe fad.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CATCHAPAYA" BY INCANTATION, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED
THE FLIGHT OF THE HERON
(1968)
SCOTTISH
MORE PERIOD PALAVER. Plucky Ewan Cameron, professional Highlander, adrift amongst Jacobite Rebellion of 1745 discovers his "fate" entwined with prightly English Captain. Much contemplation of comradeship and platonic/national bonding ensued, brought to welcome end by Captain's swift exit via a broadsword (courtesy of Ewan's manservant ) and Ewan himself pissing off to France.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND THE HERON?
THE FLINTSTONES
(1961-66)
HANNA-BARBERA
MONOLITHIC CORNERSTONE of Hanna/Barbera cartoon empire documenting "page right out of history" antics of Stone Age Flintstone clan (Fred, Wilma and Pebbles) and their neighbours the Rubbles (Barney, Betty and Bam-Bam) in the town of Bedrock. Basically, BLESS THIS HOUSE with boulders. Fred drove a dinosaur-powered crane at local quarry and constantly fought with his boss. Well-equipped cave had a record-player with a long-beaked bird doing the needle bit, a waste-disposal unit (large hungry vulture under the sink) and an elephant for a vacuum cleaner. Their car, like most of the other vehicles in Bedrock, required the passengers' foot power to make it go. "Let's ride," jovial man-and-woman choir tootled over opening credits to hammer the point home, "with the family down the street, through the courtesy of Fred's two feet." Textbook sitcommery ensued, usually involving Fred and Barney getting into scrapes, falling out with each other, getting caught red-handed by their wives, but all making up at the end. Pet pathos provided by Dino the Dinosaur and hapless cat that Fred was always trying to put out in the titles.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INCREASINGLY DESPERATE STORYLINE IDEAS INCLUDED PEBBLES AND BAM-BAM ENTERING POPSTARS: THE RIVALS
THE FLOCKTON FLYER
(1977-78)
SOUTHERN
STEAM ENGINE stoics down Wessex way with the likes of "BLUE" PETER DUNCAN, GWYNETH "ONLY FOOLS" STRONG, GEOFFREY RUSSELL and SHEILA "GEORGE AND MILDRED" FEARN toiling away on preservation railway.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PHIL DANIELS PLAYED TOKEN LOCAL YOB WHO ENJOYS KICKING IN TRAINS UNTIL FAMILY "REHABILITATE" HIM WITH THE JOYS OF STEAM
HOMELY BROOD OF northern-accented pompoms with limbs and varying forms of headgear get up to various garden/housebound adventures, usually resolved in pithy song or fable. Father (woolly hat, tache); Mother (headscarf, rolling pin); Grandad (knotted hanky, glasses); Posy (bow); Perkin (again with the hat); and the tiny, adenoidal Pootle (bobble hat), who was deemed "too small" to have roller skates like Posy and Perkin, so Dad made him a trolley to put his things in. Titles involved whole clan peeping over wall and wiggling fingers in a bizarre manner to jolly ooompah trumpet theme. Songs (sung by mother from a big songbook) included "Balloons" and "Wheels Turning Round". Also on hand: the Flumpet (knackered-looking trumpet/tuba-type thing) and the Flumpcycle ("Looks like the whole family's on wheels today!")
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ECCENTRIC COUSINS WOULD SOMETIMES DROP BY, REPLETE WITH STRAWS IN MOUTH
NORTH WEST-ONLY business-oriented "gameshow" made by Granada in the 80s and therefore, as dictated by the Broadcasting Act, presented by TONY WILSON. In truth a front for some rubbish North-West new business award competition type thing. Each week managing director of a local "firm" would appear and try and convince a top panel of old deadheads that they were the top cheeses and deserving of this prize. Show stuck to rigorous format: introduction, short Play School-style film about this week's contestant and their activities, then the important grilling from head of chamber of commerce, T. Wilson etc. That was it. Every week. Up against EASTENDERS. Final show in each series was a big posh black-tie dinner in an expensive hotel in Lancashire, where they decided the overall winner. Prize was distingushed (read: crap) plastic trophy, and large amount of cash (thereby giving new business a "flying start" - do you see?). Logo was stylised arrow indicating erm, "flying start". Usually played out over many weeks, and unnoticed after about three editions. DRAGON'S DEN with all those wooden floors.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."PETER STARTED THE BUSINESS JUST TWO YEARS AGO WITH, INCREDIBLY, JUST THREE EMPLOYEES"
FOLLOW THAT DOG
(1974)
SOUTHERN
EPONYMOUS CANINE is Patty, a spaniel (or maybe a bloodhound) whose dreams always come true and the bunch of children who own him always manage to understand and stop crime and disaster just in time. So a bit like Skippy. Equally crap theme tune helps fill up a bit more space: "Follow that dog, woof woof woof/Follow that dog, woof woof/Cos the dreams he dreams are dreams that all come true/So follow him through, woof woof woof/Through thick and thin, woof woof/Don't follow that cat, mieooww miewooww/You just follow that dog!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FEATURING NIGEL "TOMORROW PEOPLE" RHODES
WITH EVEN MACCA going nuts for the natural world in the early 70s (see "Ram" "Wings Wild Life" and numerous other pastoral longplayers), it was clearly time for a definitive ITV kids drama on the subject. Sadly what we got instead was this: whimsical whinnyings from a retirement home for spent ponies, populated by the likes of Q off of James Bond, ARTHUR "SERVED" ENGLISH, and a rotten old stump of wood - the 'lightning tree' - superstition dictated you threw a bucket of water over as you passed. Horrendously strident cod-prog bawling theme topped off proceedings.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE LIGHTNING RENT/FROM THE FIRMAMENT!"
FONZ AND THE HAPPY DAYS GANG
(1984)
RUBY-SPEARS
"HEEEEEY!" EARLY-80S cartoon-wise, HAPPY DAYS certainly had a lot to answer for. There was Hanna-Barbera's HEYY, IT'S THE KING! for one thing; and then there was this direct descendant, with the original show's Fonz, Ralph Malph and Potsie (voiced by the originals), bolstered for some reason by dappy dog sidekick Mr. Cool. A woman from the future (referred to as "Heyyyy, Cupcake!" by Fonzie) turned up with a time machine, and they went off into various Time Tunnelesque adventures, always saved at the last minute by Fonz clicking his fingers.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WELL, I THINK WE'VE ALL JUST LEARNED THAT TRUE FRIENDS WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ONE ANOTHER, NO MATTER WHAT"
FOOD AND DRINK
(1982-2002)
BBC
AS WITH everything in 1982, originally presented by SIMON BATES. The first ever episode featured a probably fascinating insight into the diet of Princess Diana. But by only the fifth show, the Bates man was axed and RUSSELL HARTY, HENRY KELLY and SUSAN GROSSMAN helmed for the next couple of years (though JILLY GOOLDEN was there from day one). In 1984 a resolutely un-stunt piece of casting took place as KELLY, H was swapped for KELLY, C. With CHRIS at the helm FOOD AND DRINK entered its imperial phase. Tudor-faced MICHAEL BARRY joshed with the aforementioned Goolden over the best wine to serve with a blue steak, while Chris Kelly presented items on food labelling from in front of an oversized can of baked beans. Meanwhile OZ CLARKE fannied around as was his wont. Thankfully the programme was cancelled in 2002 before it could receive a TOP GEAR style trendy make over.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MICHAEL BARRY DEMONSTRATING THE VERSATILITY OF CABBAGES? WE'RE THERE!
THAT PERENNIAL children's comedy staple: a crap local football team, here with comic stalwart BOB TODD going from crap manager to ace forward after he's drugged by his daughter (LIZ GEBHART, the sappy, Alderton-fancying Christian Maureen in PLEASE, SIR!). Another Esmonde/Larbey creation.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MATCH ABANDONED
THE FOREST RANGERS
(1965)
ITC - CANADA
OUTDOORSY CANUCK intrepidities as GRAYDON GOULD and a mollycoddling bunch of lads (plus token girl) with no school to go to indulge in canoe-mania on a river in a forest. Mystery-solving criminal-catching antics jostled with much earnest repairing of badger warrens.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WOODEN
GENEALOGICAL GALLOP courtesy of (at the time) the Beeb's most expensive production ever. Basically, 45 years in 26 episodes with 150 characters. KENNETH MORE was Mr. Jolyon Forsyte, main man of original John Galsworthy novels and centre of eponymous household, grappling with shifting sands of class, society, wealth etc. ERIC PORTER, SUSAN HAMPSHIRE and MARTIN JARVIS sat at his table, TERENCE ALEXANDER and MICHAEL YORK dropped by for tea. Notorious "rape" episode divided the country as to whether Irene Forsyte, ahem, "deserved" it or not. Initial success on BBC2 led to hasty repeat on the main channel, prompting church services to be rescheduled and sports events postponed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CRAPPY ITV REMAKE STILL PULLED THEM IN
TWO COCKTAIL-SIPPING Auden-spouting flappers move to Hungary, find the Second World War has broken out, and proceed to spend the next four years defeating Hitler by staging amateur productions of Shakespeare, having Alan Bennett for tea, hoofing in hotel saloons and sitting on top of pyramids. KENNETH BRANAGH, sporting his favourite Woody Allen glasses, and EMMA THOMPSON, her hair like two damp dishcloths, were the twittering twosome forever bumping into the likes of RONALD PICKUP, ROBERT GRAVES, ROBERT STEPHENS and CAROLINE LANGRISHE while out taking their similes for a walk.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DAMN THOSE BLASTED GERMANS, ALWAYS INTERRUPTING OUR TEA DANCE"
FIRST ALL-BLACK cast sitcom for the UK, based on US effort Good Times, itself a spin-off from Maude, itself a spin-off from All In The Family. Featured NORMAN BEATON alongside a post-NEW FACES acting debut for LENWORTH J HENRY, minus condensed milk.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NORMAN AND CO-STAR CARMEN MUNRO RETURNED IN DESMOND'S
FRIDAY EVENING serial soaper set in the high-ranking executive world - a sort of BROTHERS shifted up half a class. Heads of eponymous cartel were LYSETTE ANTHONY as Davinia Prince, and her down-to-earth sister, teacher Katherine. Romantic intrigues, determined dialogue and bared lower teeth a speciality.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS WAS A TINY PATSY KENSIT
4 COMPUTER BUFFS
(1985)
CHANNEL 4
AGAIN WITH THE home computers. This one wasn't a patch on the likes of MICRO LIVE, though, not least due to lazy bastards not having any opening titles and instead asking viewers to program them on their home computers. The fools. Result: a series of psychedelic distractions, each as indecipherable as the next, over a burbling programme-provided synthpop theme. Experiment never again repeated. Then there was the monumentally ill-judged 'software by lightpen' scheme. Flashing cursor at bottom right hand corner of screen could be converted into free software using - a) the guts of a lightpen; b) a suction holder towel thingy painted black; c) black PVC insulating tape to hold b) and a) over aforementioned flashing cursor. Biddy Baxter-pleasing shenanigans apart, it didn't work. All that, Guy Kewney on the computer newsdesk, a step-by-step guide on how to convert your ZX81 into a maze-following robot, and someone inexplicably driving a Sinclair C5 with converted sunroof into the studio in the last show. How prophetic.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO A POINTLESS "DRAMA" WHEREIN A THIRTYSOMETHING BEARDED COUPLE STRUGGLE TO COME TO TERMS WITH THEIR NEWLY-PURCHASED COMMODORE, WHILE CANNY OLD GRANDAD USED A ZX81 TO AUTOMATE HIS GREENHOUSE
FOUR FEATHER FALLS
(1960)
GRANADA
EVEN EARLIER (see above) GERRY ANDERSON marionette hokum, chiefly notable for presuming that authentic Wild West frontiersmen could be suitably voiced by NICHOLAS PARSONS and KENNETH CONNOR. Parsons provided pipes for main man Tex Tucker, prone to breaking into song at opportune moments whereupon he inherited the voice of MICHAEL HOLLIDAY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THIS BEEN ANDERSONIA, ALSO FEATURED TALKING DOG AND HORSE
4 WHAT IT'S WORTH
(1983-88)
CHANNEL FOUR
VINTAGE WORTHINESS from Four's fledgling days, with DAVID STAFFORD and PENNY JUNOR sitting in a huge studio with loads of yellow TV sets and plastic furniture (look it's the 80s!) helming watchdoggery very much of the "placing power in the hands of you: the consumer" kind. One of the many shows to be graced with amusing-for-a-couple-of-minutes "Four"-fuelled title from the channel's tepid toddlership (4 COMPUTER BUFFS, 4-MATIONS, 4-PLAY et al).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HANDED BRIEF ONTO C4 DAILY'S STREETWISE
4-TEL ON VIEW
(1980s)
CHANNEL 4
NOOOO! YOU don't want to give something that's supposed to be a far more sleek and with-it rival to Ceefax a name that sounds like a badly-translated Spanish business management course! Typically pedantic moniker handed to "not alternative, but complimentary" brother of Oracle whenever it showed up to fill gaps in the C4 schedule (of which there were countless). Exchange rates, viewers' letters, linkups with 4 COMPUTER BUFFS and blocky comic strip Adventures of 4-T about a talking superhero dog and his mates. All of ten people must have seen it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHICH WAS STILL MORE THAN THE ART OF LANDSCAPE
THE FOURTH ARM
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
ANOTHER LOOK-IN on the "real heroes" of World War Two: the undercover ops, preparing for many a-challenging mission snipping telephone lines and dressing scarecrows with bayonets.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHAT WAS THE THIRD ARM?
EUSTON FILMS EPIC of five South London bruvvers (played with stereotype-busting vim by BERNARD HILL, DERRICK O'CONNOR, LARRY "TRIANGLE" LAMB, RAY WINSTONE and EAMON BOLAND), their parents (PETER "GROUTY" VAUGHN and ELIZABETH SPRIGGS) and their families. Titular clan almost on the right side of the law, except VAUGHN's King Billy is the local hard man and cock o' the manor. When he dies, the family starts to fall apart. Much chewing of bricks and knuckle sandwiches. Trevor Preston done the words.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BIT PARTS FOR CINDY O'CALLAGHAN, TRUDI "THE BILL" GOODWIN, MARK "DITTO" WINGETT, ROSEMARY MARTIN AND MANY MORE
DIANE "RINGS ON THEIR FINGERS" KEEN was the eponymous "dame" taking over Lancastrian local paper The Ramsden Reminder, in process battling to get entire male staff - including Dr Who and Rab C Nesbitt - under her inky thumb.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HENDRIX THEME "ABSENT" FROM FINAL CUT
FRAGGLE ROCK
(1982-84)
CENTRAL
MEDIOCRE MUPPET goings-on with cavorting mythology well to the fore. Unnecessarily complicated set-up required lengthy title sequence every episode. Fraggles, quirky froggy things, lived in a cave along with other little blokes who kept building transparent structures which the Fraggles ate, and there were also these three giant monster things who caught them from time to time and there was this talking compost heap with a couple of rats and the whole thing happened through a hole in FULTON "MISTER" MACKAY (later Damon Grant)'s lighthouse which only his puppet dog knew about and there was this postcard from a... "Involved" is the word. Name adopted by musical movement popular for three weeks in the arse end of the Black Country and typified by likes of Back To The Planet. Then it was adopted again, for equally charmless purposes, by smelly road protestors who couldn't read.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DANCE YOUR CARES AWAY (CLAP CLAP)
CARTOON ADAPTATION of the orridge '60s cartoons by "Graham" about the loveable thinks-out-loud Bassett hound, his nutzo terrier mate and pointy-nosed owner.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALWAYS CALLED "GENTLE HUMOUR" BY THE CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER
FRED DIBNAH - STEEPLEJACK
(1979)
BBC
LOVABLE OLD-ENGLISHERY with Bolton's late lamented Dibbers interviewed "on the job", i.e. sat on top of a chimney, farting around with traction engines, knocking down and old stack with traditional "burning props" method, etc. Geoff Boycottian banter mixed with falling masonry was cult success and led to, among others, A Year With Fred, more of the same but with shift towards "private life" (marital troubles).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU'RE DICING WI' DEATH MUCKING ABOUT ON THE TOP OF A ROTTEN OL' CHIMNEY!"
POST-MAGPIE BUBBLE-PERMED Leo Sayeralike MICK ROBERTSON found himself fronting this Friday evening activity magazine, which professed to have "something for everyone" - from active kids (absailing, BMXing, adventure holidays etc.) to stay-at-homes (drawing in the margins of a telephone directory.) Suffered from same flaw as WHY DON'T YOU: presentation encouraged you to switch over, bored, rather than stick around and learn something interesting. Around this time Micky recorded a solo album of self-penned songs, notably "Then I Change Hands", a song about masturbation. If anyone has a copy, mail us now! And then burn it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MICK THEN WENT ON TO CREATE C4'S WISE UP, PROVIDING YET MORE EXPOSURE FOR SHOUTY KIDS
FREEWHEELERS
(1968-73)
SOUTHERN
ABSOLUTE ARCHETYPAL posh-kids-in-peril effort majoring on pointless running about, black-hearted blaggards, cut-glass accents and lots and lots of speedboats. Because Southern TV owned one. Dozens and dozens of episodes made, all basically the same, involving self-titled band of teens "phoned up" by - ha! - MI5/6 whenever they cocked up and needed some kids to do their jobs for them. Shifty shenanigans in the shire counties ensued, initially involving pissed off Nazi called von Gelb (GEOFFREY TOONE) who still thought there was a war on. A deserted railway station usually turned up once a week, as did an appearance from the local historical re-enactment society. "Freewheelers" themselves went through a number of line-ups a la BLUE PETER, baton being handed between, variously, BILL COWAN, CHRIS "NOT THAT ONE" KELLY, ADRIAN WRIGHT, WENDY "WHO" PADBURY and other suspiciously-grown up looking types.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EPISODE TITLES OBSESSED WITH EXCLAMATION MARKS: "FRAMED!" "TRICKED!" "RAPIDS!" "TANKS!"
SLEEPY WESTCOUNTRY-ONLY hour-long replacement for TISWAS with Blonde Getting First Break In Telly and Wayne Sleep-a-like IAN CALVERT. Standard in-studio affair notable for having scaffolding in shot. Kids (from scout group or local school) got to stand on the top and spit or throw things, while sporting grey T-shirts with Freeze Frame written around a square box. After screaming "Freeeeze Fraaame!" at the start and before ad breaks, they'd then just sit back and look gormless for the camera with streamers draped over per them. Rest of the show consisted of the usual WB cartoons, interviews with local 'outdoor sport' champions, a rather dull science segment, more local 'talent', and a minor band to end the show of the calibre of The Bloomsbury Set.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INITIALLY TITLED "THE SATURDAY SHOW", BUT CHANGED WHEN CENTRAL'S 'ALL CONQUERING' PROGRAMME OF THE SAME NAME CAME OUT
NONE-MORE-80S SUBURBACOM, the gold standard of wedding-ring-in-the-washing-up-bowl, contact-lens-down-the-back-of-the-sofa, iron-shaped-hole-burnt-through-best-posh-frock studio-bound audience-hooting 8.30pm weeknight whimsy. Title sequence laid out both "sit" and "com": to bawdy instrumental version of "Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, start all over again!", amusing silhouette shapes are struck by two protagonists, depicting his (reading paper, slumped in armchair) and hers (tossing pancake, riding exercise bike, playing drums) contrasting worlds. She (JULIA MACKENSIE) forever pines for new challenge evoked by show's title. He (ANTON RODGERS) perfectly happy with status quo earning tons in the city. She signs up for pottery classes, bicycling classes, exercise classes, fencing classes, catering classes and the Meals On Wheels. He remains oblivious. She gives up new life 28 minutes later, just in time for closing credits. Show gains points by seamlessly melding everyday euphemism of title with names of principal characters (Hester and William Fields); gains more by having Hester's mum live in a shed at the bottom of the garden; gains even more by writing in sassy neighbour always poking her nose in (Sonia, played by ANN BEACH); then gains still more by spinning-off into FRENCH FIELDS, wherein our heroes relocate to northern France for no reason other than to live next door to Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart and loads of people who go around with onions round their necks. "Excusez-moi, ou est le bicycle repair shop?" Hooray!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WON AN INTERNATIONAL EMMY TO BOOT
FRIDAY NIGHT, SATURDAY MORNING
(1979-82)
BBC
MERIDIAN-STRADDLING CHAT meanderer helmed by rotating line-up of guest hosts. Remembered mostly for a) weird jungle-type set with pot plants all over the place b) "saucy" titles showing couple refraining from carnal pleasures as soon as, yup, they note programme "starting" on "TV set" c) JOHN CLEESE and MICHAEL PALIN going on to defend Life Of Brian in face of MALCOLM "DON'T HAVE TO LOOK IN A SEWER TO KNOW WHAT'S DOWN THERE" MUGGERIDGE and the BISHOP OF WOOLWICH ("You'll get your 30 pieces of silver!"); d) someone deciding to get HAROLD WILSON to present it, only to have the ex-PM go to pieces and ask HARRY "WHISTLING" SECOMBE what he's doing after the show.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TIM RICE AND NED SHERRIN ALSO TOOK TURNS (FOR THE WORSE)
SPACE COMEDY miscellany with a heavy JOHN "CLIFFY" RATZENBURGER involvement. Story of a nutzo bunch of UFO nuts who nuttily see a real alien (resembling a tranparent half-jellyfish, half-lampshade, half-man thing). Nuts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO WITH ROBERT STEPHENS AND ELEANOR "BEDAZZLED" BRON
FROM THE TOP
(1985-86)
CENTRAL
WAS THERE NO WAY to keep the lesser talented Oddie off the screen in the mid-80s? No. Here he was again, writing, starring and musically-embellishing (of course) in kids sitcom depicting goings-on at Jolly Theatre Stage School. Which (of course) is far from jolly. Especially when Bill - William Worthington, 43-year-old bank manager - turns up to enrol. Much pratfalling and caterwauling ensues. And that's just from Bill. Other characters included Polly Jolly and Wayne Layne. Couldn't he be bothered to have thought up different sounding ones?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."A LITTLE MORE FLIP/A LITTLE LESS FLOP" IF ONLY.
"MALCOLM AND SHELDON, dem fight like puss and dog," explained EDDY "ELECTRIC AVENUE" GRANT'S reggae theme tune to ethnic-com from the pen of Alex Shearer. PAUL "DENZIL" BARBER and ALAN "BLACKSTUFF" IGBON starred as two brothers, a copper and dodgy-dealing doleite respectively. One and only series mainly memorable for scene in which Igbon builds huge ragga boombox speaker which is too big to get out of the door.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SHEEELDOOOON!"
COLONIAL RUMBLINGS up the Khyber Pass as ever-so-keen GARY BOND took time out from wooing ANNE BELL to teach the natives "a lesson or two".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...UNFORTUNATE SYNCHRONICITY WITH BIG SCREEN ARRIVAL OF SIR SIDNEY FFING
TWO COUPLES share a house. Imagine what could happen! Crap comedy, in fact, by the bucket. That cast in full: CHRISOPHER "ONLY WHEN I" STRAULI, BRIAN "HOPWOOD" CAPRON, SABINA FRANKLYN and NATALIE FORBES. Crotchety old mother-in-law played, as was the law in a 1980s Thames sitcom, by JOAN SANDERSON. Also flogged to the US. The programme, not Joan.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS WAS THE LAW FOR A 1980S THAMES SITCOM FLOGGED TO THE US, IT FLOPPED
FUN AND GAMES
(EARLY-MID 1980s)
ANGLIA
CELIA HOYLES and ROB "TEETH" BUCKMAN presented various dracketty old "brainteasers" and "mental games" to a less-than-appreciative studio audience of pensioners and layabouts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JOHNNY BALL SHOWED UP OCCASIONALLY TO EASE THE PAIN
YET ANOTHER in the many summer replacements for TISWAS, as feeble as that show was mighty. Set in a factory (which presumably manufactured "fun"), this starred BILLY BUTLER, SOME OLD BLOKE WE CAN'T RECALL and GARY "CROWMASTER" CROWLEY, who pretended to be mentally deficient for laughs. Not much else to it, really; plenty of cartoons and appearances by the Toy Dolls, Goombay Dance Band etc., plus semi-regular cameos for the Beadlebum, one being heckled by a curmudgeonly eight-year-old boy with the immortal line "Karl Marx is OK!" Remainder of ITV's summer output wasn't.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ANYONE COMIN' DOWN THE REC?
THE FUN FOOD FACTORY
(1978)
ITV
HALF HOUR Saturday morning effort piloted by Nanette Newman. Show would start with Nanette walking through a highly-coloured cartoonish set, gathering her group of young cooks, who would sing the theme song as they set off down the road to the Factory. Then they'd cook. On the cartoony kitchen wall behind them was a large "DANGER" sign, which would start flashing (accompanied by an alarm bell) whenever anyone picked up a knife - this was Nanette's cue to deliver a short homily on the careful use of sharp objects.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."FUN, FUN, FUN, FUN, FUNNY FUNNY, FUN, FUN, FUN, FUN, FUNNY FUNNY, FUN!!!"
SENT TO EARTH to make Cannon and Ball and Little and Large appear talented, the putative stars of this shambles were CHEESE AND ONION. Winners of trashy Derek Hobson-fronted Saturday night talent contest SEARCH FOR A STAR, their reward was to die like a kamikaze pilot on national television every Saturday night, just before 3-2-1.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SET LARGELY CONSISTED OF A FAKE BRICK WALL WITH CHEESE AND ONION WRITTEN ON IT IN COMEDY GRAFFITI LETTERING, AND WAS ALSO THE SHOW'S MOST GIFTED PERFORMER
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