G
2/3
Click to find your programme:
THE GAFFER to GILLIGAN'S ISLAND
GIRLS ABOUT TOWN to GOODNIGHT AND GOD BLESS
GRAHAM'S ARK to GUS HONEYBUN
G |
Click to find your programme: |
|
GIRLS ABOUT TOWN
(1969-71)
ATV
PLAY AWAY'S JULIE STEVENS and DENISE COFFEY are two bored housewives looking for "additional" action. Derek Wilton - yikes! - obliges.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRIT BY ADELE "BYKER" ROSE
GIRLS ON TOP
(1985-86)
CENTRAL
IN THE Kensington sky. Alterno-comedy quartet - DAWN FRENCH as veggie anarchist, JENNIFER SAUNDERS as moody depressive, TRACEY ULLMAN as ditzy actress and RUBY WAX as Ruby Wax - share flat rented from elderly downstairs neighbour JOAN GREENWOOD. Usual suspects - Coltrane, Sessions, Laurie, Enfield, Lederer - call round for cups of sugar. Ullman's character killed off after series one. Nobody notices.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INCLUDING US
SHORT-LIVED SNOOKERDRAM with Daley-esque geezerian overtones, starring ROBERT "ONLY WANTED TO BE A GOOD MAN" LINDSAY as a small-time worshipper of the baize Mickey Noades trying to make it in the club tournament circuit. Much cameo business by the likes of Tony Knowles. Nephew played by wet-behind-the-ears-looking PAUL MCGANN. Written by erstwhile carpenter and future BILL toolsman Geoff McQueen.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TITLE SONG SUNG BY LINDSAY IN COCKERNEE DRAWL: "LEAVE IT OUT, GIVE US A BREAK/I'VE 'AD ENOUGH, I'VE 'AD ALL I CAN TAKE!"
GIVE US A CLUE
(1979-91)
THAMES
NOW WE'RE talking. Or not, for fear of eliciting a petulant parb from Asp or Parky's buzzer. The ultimate in parlour game riddle-me-ree telly, this served many a purpose during its celebrated reign, not least a) filling half an hour on the cheap b) keeping Parky in work after he sulked out of TV-am (not necessarily a good thing) c) keeping any number of equally jobbing light entertainment lackeys in the public eye, or at least in the early afternoon public eye, and d) having the most dementedly overlong here's-how-the-whole-thing-works theme tune ever. Plus it proved ample inspiration for something to fill dying minutes of last-day-of-term school pissabouts. Original line-up had MICHAEL ASPEL bedded down behind cosy desk "keeping order" as TV Times always used to say over UNA STUBBS and LIONEL BLAIR, who in turn had ostensible jurisdiction over fellow contestants comprising defiantly D-list celebrities and members of the public. Later, more long-running roster comprised MICHAEL PARKINSON in a sweater behind a giant bureau, with LIONEL on his left and LIZA GODDARD on his right supported by a celeb-only back-up. Original theme (Chicken Man, aka GRANGE HILL) also ditched for inordinately long exposition in close harmony singing: "..with Mi-chael Par-kin-son (shot of Parky looking shifty)...Liza God-dard (shot of Liza looking sassy)...and Li-onel Blair! (shot of Lionel looking hyper, mouthing "Hello!" at camera)". Captains would also introduce fellow comrades during the song. "And on my team today," cooed Liza, "Maureen Lipman, Janet Brown and Rula Lenska!" "While on my team today," minced Lionel, "Christopher Biggins, Bernard Cribbins and Brian Glover!" Host would then beckon member of team up to the desk to proffer title of book/play/film etc., displayed on screen for those "not playing along at home". 90 second or less on the clock. Mime beings. Veterans, especially Lionel, prone to exaggerated slapping of splayed fingers on forearms and pressing of nose-ends when guess was correct. Guess followed by a bonus "When was it made? 1968, 1969 or 1970?" question in which Parky always directed the girls team to the correct answer in a misguided act of chivalry. Amusing 25-word "bit of fun" offering always doled out to Lionel at end of every show. "You swines!" Obligatory changing of seats with each round completed picture of cosy bonhommie, sadly missed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY THIS ONE, LIONEL"
THE GLAMOUR GIRLS
(1980-82)
GRANADA
DAVID "PERRIN" NOBBS-penned laugh-light effort about marketing men and (hey!) women. DUGGIE "COMEDIANS" BROWN, SALLY WATTS and BRIGIT "THELMA" FORSYTH pushed pens about.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NEITHER GIRLS, NOT GLAMOUR
GLEN MICHAEL'S CAVALCADE
(1970s-1980s)
STV
CUT-PRICE CALEDONIAN distant forerunner of ROLF HARRIS CARTOON TIME, only without giant pieces of plain paper, fat marker pens and earnest insights into Disney studio wizardry. In fact, without everything. The titular Mr Michael, already well into his 60s, would appear in a cold bare studio to cue cartoons, only to then cut into animation and "appear" mid-frame to "warn" character of impending peril: "What's that Daffy? Looks like trouble ahead!" Used to be called Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade until the money ran out and cartoons rationed to two per show, the rest of the time spent featuring write-in dedications boasting kids' heads cut from photos and stuck onto amateurish cartoon characters. As seen on CBeebies. Just the other day. Glen resembled that funny uncle who was always really nice to you but your mum warned you about. Scope of ambition, and indeed budget, summed up by sidekick: an oil lamp (yes, really) called Paladin which had a "spooky" voice but which never moved or did anything - it was an oil lamp, after all.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OH NO! WATCH OUT BUGS! AAAHHHH!"
THE GLITTERING PRIZES
(1975)
BBC
CAMBRIDGIAN UNDERGRADUATION, fifties style. FREDERIC RAPHAEL wrote, TOM CONTI and LEONARD "GOOD OLD DAYS" SACHS arsed about doing Goon voices and shagging badly.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HIGH TABLE, LOW FARCE
APTLY-TITLED SUNDAY evening miserycom, reworking bits of Take It From Here off of the radio. JIMMY EDWARDS got his toe stuck in the taps, JUNE WHITFIELD gave way to PATRICIA BRAKE as Ma, and IAN LAVENDER wore the "der-drip dry" shirts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FATE SEALED WHEN DEBUTED AS PART OF BRUCE'S BIG NIGHT
THE GNOMES OF DULWICH
(1969)
BBC
GNOMES, EH? Now there's a subject for laugh-out-loud light entertainment. Especially if you get HUGH LLOYD and TERRY SCOTT to dress up like Flowerpot Men, only as adults, and have JIMMY "HOT HI DE ALLO" PERRY to write the thing, and say it's all just a satire on the Common Market.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SET THE CAUSE OF EUROPEAN RELATIONS BACK YEARS. SET THE CAUSE OF COMEDY BACK EVEN FURTHER.
ROBBIE VINCENT invites middle class white families to lose weight on national television via "simple" challenges and humiliation of being weighed on battered Go For It! branded scales. Successful clans win coveted Go For It! breadboard.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DISCONTINUED
GO WITH NOAKES
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
NO THANKS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HELLO. I'M ABOUT TO WALK 500 MILES ACROSS SOME OF THE MOST TREACHEROUS...OOH 'ECK!"
GOD'S WONDERFUL RAILWAY
(1980)
BBC
STEAM-SATURATED TRAINSPOTTING tribulations, shunted into Wednesday teatime telly sidings for what seemed like ages. Depicted life of the Grant family, who were "placed 'ere on God's earth" to tend upkeep of Great Western Railway over numerous generations. Assorted faces, including Dot Cotton, Davros and Rene Artois, stoked the flames, waved red flags and generally sent population of train enthusiast viewers into seventh heaven. As for the rest of us...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OLD MAN TYLER SAYS THE SIGNAL'S DOWN AT SHERINGHAM!" "BY GOD!"
GODZILLA
(1970s)
HANNA-BARBERA
UP FROM the depths. Thirty stories high. Breathing fire. His head in the sky. Godzilla. Godzilla. Godzilla. And...Godzuki, something-for-the-young-uns can't-fly-properly-or-do-the-fire-thing annoyoing baby sidekick. The 'Zilla hisself was, in this cartoon incarnation, called up at the touch of a button by a bearded professor and his wife, token black assistant and their cute, forever-in-jeopardy son, who lived on a yacht and had an unerring capacity for encountering sea-monster related shite. Not Will and Joe's finest hour.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CALL GODZILLA!" "THE SIGNAL'S NOT WORKING! GODZUKI, YOU'LL HAVE TO TRY!" "GREEAAAAGHAAAARGHAAARREGAHH!!!" AND ON AND ON
GOING FOR A SONG
(1965-77)
BBC
POOTER-ISH POTTERY riddleathon chaired in glory days by MAX ROBERTSON, with ARTHUR NEGUS permanently installed to one side on ribald-dispensing duties. Max would proffer vaguely familiar-looking antique loom at teams of experts and clueless public, demanding both date and asking price. Points awarded for closest bid. Faithful yet pompous 90s revival helmed first by P45-wielding PARKY, then snippy pre-"You are..." ANNE ROBINSON. Imprisoned mechanical bird tweeted over opening and closing credits, pleading swift release.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS DID ALL OF US
EARLY SIGHTING of Professor Phil Redmond's obsession with Telling It How It Is via bunch of marauding, unlikable yoofs sounding like sweary sociology teachers. Among those speaking Phil's charmless chunterings about "ver system" were ANDREW "THE BILL" PAUL, LINDA "FEATHERS" ROBSON and PETER HUGO DALEY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONE IN THE EYE FOR THOSE "CULTURAL ELITES"
IFFY EEKING out of the last scraps of PORRIDGE whereby RONNIE BARKER struggles with Civvy Street calamities typified by shifty DHSS clerks and social workers. Much rolling of eyeballs and shuddering of shoulders. "Cor blimey, I got better grub than this on the inside!" RICHARD BECKINSALE called round to do the dishes and get off with Ron's daughter. Son, meanwhile, was - as decreed by late 70s BBC sitcom lore - NICHOLAS LYNDHURST.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OI'M GEAUWIIIIN' STRAIGHT, OI AM, STRAIGHT AS AN ARRERRRRRR"
THE GOLDEN GIRLS
(1985-92)
NBC
ASSORTED WRINKLED, weathered and washed-up embodiments of better days get trundled out once a week for seven years in the name of cutting edge comedy. And the cast weren't exactly in the flush of youth either. Jokes like that one abounded in this hardy perennial of Channel 4 Friday nights, wherein BEA ARTHUR, BETTY WHITE, RUE MCCLANAHAN and ESTELLY GETTY lolled about in the Florida sunshine gossiping about savings schemes and shagging. And that was it. For fucking years. "Golden" tag could certainly be applied to the "com", if not the "sit", seeing as how most of the jokes were only just older than their merchants. Staple of every episode was the kitchen table scene where our protagonists underscored "moral" of the day via salty banter about breasts, men, men who like breasts, and Medicare. Like annoying old relatives, hung around for years. And like old relatives, refused to die despite being put out to seed, thanks to innumerable spin-offs such as THE GOLDEN PALACE (Bea marries Frank Drebin off of POLICE SQUAD and quits, leaving the others to run a hotel a la GRACE AND FAVOUR) and rotten British rewrite BRIGHTON BELLES. SHEILA HANCOCK, WENDY CRAIG, JEAN BOHT and SHEILA GISH sitting around talking about erections? Don't speak till you're spoken to, dammit!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FATE WELL AND TRULY SEALED WHEN ORIGINAL GOLDEN GIRLS TURNED UP TO BE "GRILLED" BY TERRY CHRISTIAN ON THE WORD
THE GOLDEN OLDIE PICTURE SHOW
(1984-85)
BBC
AN OFFICE, somewhere in Television Centre in the early 1980s. "We need something cheap to fill that pesky half hour slot between SIXTY MINUTES and TERRY AND JUNE," moans one executive. "How about showing pop videos?" suggests another. "But not any ordinary pop videos. How about getting someone to make new pop videos for old songs?" "What, like those by The Beatles?" "That's right, and The Rolling Stones, and all those other obscure 60s acts who would really benefit from some contemporary exposure on the BBC." "Sounds interesting." "Yes, and to introduce them, we can get a really big name from the world of music who's got their finger on the pulse of popular culture." "What, like DAVE LEE TRAVIS?" "Perfect!" "And we need a really glittering, eye-catching set, something that sums up the whole old-meets-new theme of the programme." "What, like a fireplace?" "Spot on!" Gggnnn.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND NOW! GROOVE ALONG TO...DEDICATED FOLLOWER OF FASHION!" CUE VIDEO OF OLD TRAMP DRESSING UP IN CRAPPY CHAIN STORE CASTOFFS
THE GOLDEN SHOT
(1967-75)
ATV
"PICK A POMME, DO". By some stretch ATV's greatest ever game show, during its glory years the crossbow-firing-on-a-glam-rock-set Sunday staple was also blessed with the best ever game show host, Lord BOB MONKHOUSE himself. But it wasn't always that way...twice. Originally crumpling under the tutelage of Canadian stiff JACKIE "Right, right, right - stop. Up, up, up - stop. Left - stop! Right a little - stop! Left a little - stop! Up, up, up - fire!" RAE - whom Lew Grade had spotted *playing* a game show host in a Charlie Drake half-hour, Bob was bussed in after a show-stopping guest spot in which he turned one of the Shot video booths into a shower cabinet. Now that's entertainment. Then cameth the glory years, a move to Birmingham, with all the municipal pomp the Midlands could throw at it. Bernie the Bolt. Anne Aston ("And this is...I'm sorry I've forgotten"). Specially themed dioramas, including one featuring cartoons of skinheads drawn by Bob himself. And lots of things going wrong. 16 million tuned in of a teatime, but it couldn't last. Bob was accused of taking a bribe from a Wilkinson Swords ad exec ("Before we left the table Bob Brooksby handed me a brown envelope...") and duly dismissed. In came NORMAN "Listen Dennis, what shall we talk about?" VAUGHAN. He was no good, and quickly replaced by CHARLIE "Don't tell Williams he's only t'gaffer" WILLIAMS who was even worse. Punting him off to a summer season at Charnock Richard, the show's execs saw sense and brought Bob back for a final run. The wily entertainer readily agreed - providing ATV would throw him CELEBRITY SQUARES at the same time. A "golden day" for everyone, really.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE WORK TO RULE IS OVER!"
GOLIATH AWAITS
(1981)
COLUMBIA
BAFFLING MINI-SERIES about the discovery of a mini-society living in a cruise liner on the bottom of the sea since World War Two. CHRISTOPHER LEE, "brilliant but mad", is in charge. Doctor JEAN MARSH wanders by, "conflicted" by euthanising policy of all officers on the ship: no-one allowed to be too old, too sick or too disabled. Hence one woman tumbles dramatically off a balcony, becomes lame, and FRANK "Riddler" GORSHIN bumps her off with a hypodermic. One scene was filmed from the perspective of a scuba diver discovering the boat, clocking the Riddler and Co, then copping a bullet in the head, right through the mask.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STILL WAITING, FOR ALL WE KNOW
GOOBER AND THE GHOST CHASERS
(1975)
HANNA-BARBERA
WILL AND JOE need a new hit and fast. Tell you what, they muse, that schtick with the dopey dog and the gang of ghost-hunters is doing the business. Let's do precisely the same thing again, except change the name, and make the dog blue in a red hat and scarf and have the ability to disappear when frightened leaving aforementioned clothes ensemble bobbing in mid-air. Nobody will notice!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOBODY DID, BECAUSE NOBODY WATCHED
THE GOOD COMPANIONS
(1980)
YORKSHIRE
SONG AND DANCE retooling of JB Priestley yarn concerning a travelling concert party featuring Miss Trant (JUDY "THERE COMES A TIME" CORNWELL), Inigo Pipk, er, Jollifant (JEREMY NICHOLAS) and Jess Oakroyd (JOHN STRATTON). Together, they were the Dinky Doos revue.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WIT AND WHIMSY OF THE OLD SCHOOL, OLD BEING C. 1856
.JPG)
.JPG)
BY THE KIDS, for the kids! Uber-cheapo medical mirthcom starring the Good Health Talking Feet (two feet with faces drawn on them) and much railing against Blockaboots, depicting fashion-zombie kids going mad for the titular garishly-painted platform-mule-type shoe and ending up with (cuh!) "bad feet". That'll learn 'em.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BLOCKABOOTS, BLOCKABOOTS, BLOCKABOOTS, BLOCKABOOTS, THEY'RE IN FASHION TODAY!"
OBSCURE VEHICLE for FELICITY "HONEY FOR TEA" KENDAL.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS OF 2007, REPEATED 35,819 TIMES
GOOD MORNING BRITAIN
(1983-92)
TV-AM
"OH, I MUST say, Princess Diana looks really scrummy in that picture, don't you think so Nick, really gorgeous." Main, indeed for a time only, plank in ITV's half-built semi-bodged creaking edifice of a breakfast television service, responsible for making household names of ANNE "TODAY'S NUMBERS ARE 3, 15, 26..." DIAMOND, NICK "...27, 33 and 45" OWEN, WINCEY "AND SO IS WINCEY WILLIS" WILLIS and a host of other day-glo undesirables. Whole thing almost sank with all hands after a mere two weeks on air thanks to original boss PETER JAY's demented policy of ultra-earnest mithering, having the weather forecast at 7.52 and 13 seconds precisely, and letting fellow investor DAVID FROST do interviews that went on for five hours. Frostie was one of original "Famous Five" supposedly destined to piss all over rival BREAKFAST TIME business thanks to "sexual chemistry" of ANNA FORD, ANGELA RIPPON, MICHAEL PARKINSON and ROBERT KEE. Only chemistry evident on screen was that of rapidly combusting careers and evaporating viewers. GREG DYKE showed up to save the day, not before JONATHAN "HE LIED AND LIED AND LIED" AITKEN had sacked Anna and Angela (big news) and made Robert quit (nobody noticed). Parky hung about sulking for a year before pissing off. In came Anne, Nick (promoted from sports presenter), Wincey, ROLAND "RUN VT!" RAT, GYLES BRANDRETH, JIMMY GREAVES, CHRIS TARRANT, HENRY KELLY, JAYNE IRVING, MIKE MORRIS, RICHARD KEYS, ULRIKA JONSSON, LORRAINE KELLY and, over in the kids corner, TIMMY MALLETT, TOMMY BOYD and MICHAELA STRACHAN: basically your entire gamut of harmless mid-80s ITV faces who could hold their own on a shit-brown coloured sofa for as long as necessary going on about a) which members of the royal family were in the tabloids today b) the weather c) what happened on telly last night d) where they were going for their holidays e) Gyles's knitted jumpers. And people watched in their millions. Genuinely ace opening titles had GOOD MORNING BRITAIN spelled out by pigeons in Trafalgar Square, crew of a Royal Navy ship, load of people on the Bristol downs and so on. Loads of memorable stuff ensued: Rat On The Road, Tarrant going round the resorts, John Stapleton reporting on the Brighton bomb in a call box, industrial action every other week meaning endless repeats of FLIPPER and BATMAN, Anne quitting, Anne coming back, Anne quitting again, the eggcup copyright slide at the end of every programme, Mallett's Mallet, After Nine, Mad Lizzie, Commander Philpott doing the weather, GORDON HONEYCOMBE doing the news... Party came to an end when Mrs Thatcher decided GMTV would do a better job of things, except she had second thoughts and wrote BRUCE GYNGELL a letter saying how sorry she was. Too late! Fell off the air on New Year's Eve 1992 with Mike Morris blubbing to the sound of 'Simply The Best'.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."COMING UP: HAPPY DAYS"
THE GOOD OLD DAYS
(1953-83)
BBC
MOCK MUSIC HALL marathon "From the Stage of the City Varieties Theatre, Leeds" with LEONARD SACHS dressed up like a Edwardian fop wielding a gavel and lots of long words to introduce the likes of KEN DODD, DANNY LA RUE, RAY ALAN and co all in period costume before a similarly attired over-excited audience waving parasols, cravats and false sideburns in rapture. Always ended with deafening singalong, usually 'Down At The Old Bull And Bush'.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND THIS TIME, CHIEFLY, YOURSELVES!!!"
ROTTEN PETE'N'DUD roustabout done for the third channel purely for a) Lew Grade money b) to give Lew Grade something else to flog in America. Massive fuck-off sets, massive fuck-off celebrity guest stars, massive hype, jokes mislaid along the way.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BACK TO THE BEEB THEY WENT, AND RIGHTLY SO
GOODIES
(1970-82)
BBC/LWT
WHAT can you do with an apostrophe?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ANYTHING, ANYTIME
GOODNIGHT AND GOD BLESS
(1983)
CENTRAL
DONALD "SPOONER" CHURCHILL mugs and frugs to high heaven as a HUGHIE GREEN-esque shagging, cheating bastard game show host.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRIT BY DONALD AND JOE MCGRATH
G |
Click to find your programme: |
|