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THE GAFFER to GILLIGAN'S ISLAND
GIRLS ABOUT TOWN to GOODNIGHT AND GOD BLESS
GRAHAM'S ARK to GUS HONEYBUN
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NIFTY NATURALIST endeavour which holds the dubious honour of hatching the strain of animal-obsessed fare that bred across schedules during last quarter of 1900s. A very formal affair, supported by the RSPCA, wherein host GRAHAM THORNTON, one-time DJ of the Year, trawled the country talking to bespectacled experts for insights into matters fish and fowl. Also notable for helping popularise WINCEY WILLIS outside of the breakfast shift (see above) by dint of her frightening large menagerie of domestic pets. Reaction supposedly so great that ITV immediately extended initial run to, gulp, 26 shows.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PRE-PUBLICITY SET THE TONE WITH REPEATED FOOTAGE OF GRAHAM BEING "TARGETED" BY BIG CAT AT JERSEY'S WILDLIFE ZOO
BRIEF BUT BRILLIANT comdram which has stayed etched in a million brains. MARK FRANCIS was your eponymous everykid, posh (naturally) but who kept referring to himself as "a leader of men". The rest of that titular band: Lux, a big tall dopey one with black-framed glasses; William, second-in-command who wanted to be gang leader causing friction between himself and leader-of-men Graham; and Robert and Keith, who were best buddies and always fighting. Spoilt Violet Elizabeth type girl called Mildred with a huge family who popped up everywhere (referred to as 'Daddy Blight', 'Auntie Blight' etc. by Graham et al) was always following them and trying to get in the gang. Episodes consisted of effortlessly bonkers but entertaining antics, including one where they all dressed up as Graham for some reason and ran round a shopping centre, one where William dressed up as a girl to take Mildred's part in the school play when she got chicken-pox, one where there was a go-kart race in the town with Graham as one entry and Mildred and William coached by Mildred's Dad as another. Plus there was the time when Mildred had a birthday party and members of a rival gang came dressed in Gorilla suits and trashed her house. Towards the end of the series there was even one where they got - gasp! - girlfriends (French exchange students, naturally). Nice one.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ACE THEME AS WELL: "GRAHAM'S GANG!" THEY ALL YELLED, JUMPING UP FROM BEHIND A WALL WITH GRAFITTI-ED TITLE
GRIZZLED GRIM stop motion gadabout involving unnamed senior citizen and grandson. Cue endless roller-skating and other decidedly un-octogenarian antics, a la The Beano's annoying Granpa. Cloying theme remains all-too memorable: "Hello Gran, how are you, how do you feel today, I just dropped by to see if I could be a help in any way. You really are the most, I think that I can boast, you really are the most amazing Gran."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PAT COOMBS LEANT HER PIPES
MEMORABLE BBC Wales comic drama documenting misadventures of a bunch of valleys boys on a trip to Paris to watch the World's Greatest Rugby Nation (TM) kick the shit out of the French. WINDSOR "LOVELY BOY" DAVIES was the ring leader, accompanied by an assorted ragbag including textbook camper than camp village hairdresser with a soft spot for rugby players ("OOOOH. He's BRUTAL!", etc.). Boozing, jeering, trips to a strip-club and a brothel and Davies running through the streets in white underpants and brown slip-ons ensued.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GO THE WHOLE HOG, MOG"
WHO'S THAT walking down the street? CLIVE DUNN resurrected the DAD'S ARMY schtick as accident-prone caretaker CHARLIE QUICK, forever in trouble with the council and pet parrot "The Captain". Allegedly, he would protect you in a storm. If you were cold, he'd - ominously - "make you warm". Would volunteer to mow your lawn, whether you wanted it or not. Minus points: often went quick when the band went slow, and was prone to riding a bike in a rodeo. Played the pianner in the strangest manner, too.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WE DON'T LIKE HIM, DO WE, CAPTAIN?"
ONCE BOLTED firmly to the scheduling floor on Saturday afternoon, this prized presentational paddle-steamer was berthed only when it became silly to pretend a sports show could be more than the sum of its parts. Originally a good excuse for huge nuclear-powered monitor trucks to trundle round the country seeking out "today's sport" so they could cover it "live, as it happens". DAVID COLEMAN was the blazer-clad anchor, augmenting a meagre salary with never-bettered football commentaries on big match days. Theme tune an old-school brass and drums fanfare; titles had one of those old-fashioned multi-lensed cameras with a different sporty clip superimposed on the end of each lens. Fast-paced, ground-breaking and the place to be for "real" events...or a rag-bag of inconsequential black and white exteriors depending on your perspective. Next to don the sheepskin coat was Emperor FRANK BOUGH, a professional uncle less prone than Coleman to streams of hyperbolic consciousness. Combination of Bough-age and arrival of colour TV catalysed steady growth to a position of total dominance. No rivals to speak of (WORLD OF SPORT being a different thing entirely); this was when the world was at its grass-stained feet. 1970s line-up as reliable as Big Ben: Football Focus (Coleman again, or maybe Bob Wilson); racing from Haydock/Epsom/Chepstow/Towcester interspersed with boxing or rally-cross or the ever-so-glamorous ski-jumping from Garmisch-Partenkirchen; then depending on the season it was big cricket, or tennis or golf or rugby - either the real game with Wales beating everyone or Eddie Waring watching the "other" lot in Hull or Castleford or Wigan. Names as familiar as the format: DAVID VINE, HARRY CARPENTER, PETER O'SULLEVAN, ALAN WEEKS, BARRY DAVIES, DAN MASKELL, JOHN ARLOTT, BILL MCLAREN. Final Score rounded it all up: highlights, teleprinter, league tables, pools and peculiar vignettes from regional reporters with perfectly respectable day jobs dragged in to the studio to report on "Burnley 0 Stoke City 0". Then Bough went a-breakfasting and unflappable anchorage duties taken on by Professor DES "DESMOND" LYNAM. Programme coasted effortlessly through the 1980s. Slowly live sport began to drift away, or rather up, to be beamed back down to those who could pay for it. Schedules became less heavyweight, more paperweight. STEVE RIDER, SUE BARKER and friends took the ropes through the 90s but by then the entire affair was regularly being ditched for extended coverage of whatever big tournament the Beeb had splashed out on that year with the name "Grandstand" scrubbed out and "Match Of The Day Live" being written in its place. Ultimately laid to rest by merciful executives to no tribute whatsoever. Bom bom, diddle-iddle-iddle.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND NOW BACK TO JIM LAKER AT TRENT BRIDGE"
GRANGE HILL
(1978-NOW)
BBC
GRIPPER SAYS:"OI! Fickjob! Lick my clink above you Spazmoid!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GENERAL COLLAPSE OF SECONDARY EDUCATION
GRASSHOPPER ISLAND
(1970s)
LWT
WORTHISOME GOOD-FOR-YOU children's butterfly-chasing bonanza. Three kids prance around aforementioned archipelago...but wait - there's a deeper message, because the kids are brothers with trademark "quirks", to wit: 12-year-old Smarty (who has answers for all sorts of questions) 10-year-old Toughy (who says he wants to be a soldier but turns pale at the mention of blood and bones) and 7-year-old Mouse (who collects hats and likes cheese). Think they are all alone, until "leader" Smarty discovers big house on the other side of a mountain where PATRICIA HAYES and JULIAN ORCHARD live. Couple take kids under wing in face of repeated visits from TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR, CHARLES HAWTREY and FRANK MUIR. Little is proved.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WEREN'T ANY GRASSHOPPERS EITHER
THE GRAVY TRAIN/THE GRAVY TRAIN GOES EAST
(1990-91)
CHANNEL 4
THE EEC, eh? What a bunch of paperclip-filing, expense-filling winos. So said MALCOLM BRADBURY in this of-the-moment glossy gallivant around the plazas and piazzas of Brussels where talk of Ecus and ERMs flowed as freely as money-stuffed paper bags and bungs, and who were we to know any better? Dapper satire at its best, with CHRISTOPH WALTZ as Hans-Joachim Dorfmann who arrives at the made-up Directorate of Information and Culture full of Hacker-esque naive idealism only to find IAN RICHARDSON-orchestrated chicanery at full pelt involving shady ladies, kickbacks and the European plum mountain. Subsidised-halcyon days indeed. JUDY PARFITT was Ian's wife, ALEXEI SAYLE played himself (i.e. a shifty East European oik spouting bollocks). Sequel set in fictional newly-liberated Eastern state of Slaka with all principal protagonists still up to no good.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I'M OFF FOR A BATH IN THE EEC WINE LAKE. CARE TO JOIN ME?"
GREAT - ISAMBARD KINGDOM BRUNEL
(1975)
BRITISH LION
BETWIXT ROOBARB and NOAH AND NELLY, Sir BOB GODFREY gave us this tribute to the man who, as we are told in a song so ace you can't believe it's from the mid-70s (in the style of Kate Bush, no less) "opened up the West". RICHARD BRIERS voiced Brunel, HARRY FOWLER was your chirping Cockney narrator and PETER HAWKINS (NOAH AND NELLY, CAPTAIN PUGWASH etc) a good many others. Script by, among others, JOE McGRATH, mastermind of DIGBY, THE BIGGEST DOG IN THE WORLD.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MUCH MORE DESERVING BRIT-ANIMATED OSCAR WINNER THAN ANYTHING BY BLOODY NICK PARK
GREAT BIG GROOVY HORSE
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
#714 IN LIST OF extinct erstwhile 1970s species: the rock musical. This was in your strict Godspell-esque mode of matching ancient witterings (the Trojan Horse myth) to contemporary stylings (disco beats) with present day threads thrown in for good measure. May have starred MICHAEL "CLAYPOLE" STANIFORTH. Or at least someone very like him.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME: "IT'S A HORSE, IT'S A HORSE/IT'S A MIRACLE OF COURSE/IT'S A GREAT BIG GROOVY HORSE!"
THE GREAT EGG RACE
(1978-85)
BBC
IT COULD never happen today. What started as a regional opt-out for Midlanders in late '78 (original host JOCK SMITH of Radio Derby "fame") ultimately became enduring BBC2 early evening staple under the benevolent rule of the great Professor HEINZ WOLFF, ordering three colour-coded teams of three cardigan-wearing types representing appropriate organizations like Wipac, ICI, Pilkington Glass etc. to "solve a fiendish engineering problem" using an esoteric array of materials (always including a bike pump and a hot water bottle - "the Englishman's best friend" quipped Heinz). First series involved repeatedly trying to construct a means to propel an egg over a certain distance without breaking in a vehicle powered by a standard rubber band (hence programme title). Later shows devised other tests, such as building a windpump or a "prehensile tail". Boring section where the teams got down to business was when you went to the loo/got another can of pop. When everyone came to demonstrate their devices, one team was guaranteed to cock the whole thing up completely. A beard-but-no-moustache "guest expert" (with an improbable name, like Fabian Acker) would then mark them on their engineering accomplishments, and good old Heinz chucked in a few extra points for "entertainment value". A bizarre diversion in the grounds of BBC Pebble Mill saw LESLEY JUDD, no less, introduce the 'Incredible Egg Machine', which delivered Heinz his breakfast ostrich egg (they always tried to mention the word "breakfast" as much as possible) via a Heath Robinson-out-of-Mousetrap! series of comical mechanisms. Whole stunning affair capped by smashing theme tune reminiscent of Hot Butter.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."A FEW PROBLEMS THERE, ME THINKS, YES LESLEY, HMM?"
GREAT GRAPE APE
(1976)
HANNA-BARBERA
MORE FROM a decidedly wilting Will and Joe, here reduced to bigging up, erm, a great grape (i.e. purple) ape who wears a baseball cap and rides around on the back of a van driven by a dog called Beagle Beagle.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WORSE WAS TO COME: SEE HEYYY IT'S THE KING
THE GREAT WESTERN MUSICAL THUNDERBOX
(1970s)
ITV
HAY BALES AND BANJO orgy featuring such talents as Fred Wedlock ("Oldest Swinger In Town", stalwart of many a T. Blackburn's Sunday morning), Adge Cutler and the Wurzels (the original line up before those chart-topping "modified" cover versions).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NOW TAKE YOUR PARTNERS FOR THE SURBITON SHUFFLE AND HOP!"
THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO
(1981)
NBC
FLIMSY FROLIC revolving around teacher (WILLIAM KATT) getting "magical" superhero suit from ghost of an alien (or something) and being forced against will to "fight crime". Despite title, not great.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PROBABLY A FEW OTHERS WHO'D LAY CLAIM TO THAT MONIKER
REVERSE BEVERLEY HILLBILLIES business with EDDIE ALBERT at the high-flying big shot who suddenly decided to move out to a farm, EVA "SISTER OF ZSA ZSA" GABOR in tow. UNITED KINGDOM was the nation asleep.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRING ARNOLD THE SUPER-INTELLIGENT PIG
GRIMM TALES
(LATE 1980s)
CENTRAL
SKINFLINT BASTARD offspring of JACKANORY-esque "storytelling" format based round already-tiresome eye-popping/shrieking RIK MAYALL cocooned in elaborate armchair with ostrich legs and puppeted hands, reheating appropriately morbid fables replete with stop motion animation.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CHAIR" LATER EXHIBITED IN A GLASS CASE AT MUSEUM OF MOVING IMAGE. SADLY MINUS ERTSWHILE OCCUPANT.
THE GROOVY GHOULIES
(LATE 1970s)
ITV
UNRULY AND indeed unwelcome animated argy-bargy from America ripping off ROWAN AND MARTIN'S LAUGH-IN stock gimmicky, something which obviously had bags of resonance over here. Titular ensemble goofed and gooned through 20 minutes of overloud sound effects, shitty animation, laughter tracks, baddies-as-goodies, pratfalls, slapstick and all the sodding rest, linked together with that characters-opening-doors-within-giant-wall-to-deliver-shit-joke business ("Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball? Because he had no body to go with!").
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...POTENTIAL OF BASIC PREMISE - DRACULA, A MUMMY, A WOLFMAN - ALL CO-HABITING EXHAUSTED BY END OF OPENING TITLES
MORE TEATIME travails in same lineage and above average quality as BAD BOYES and WHO SIR ME SIR, with bar lifted even higher due to titular prankster being played by KIERAN O'BRIEN, admittedly some way off being Robbie Coltrane's son and making dodgy shagging-as-art films, but still a notch above your usual kids comedy drama hero. Episodes majored on Stephen Gruecock (to give him his full title) repeatedly thwarting comedy Machiavellian antics of schoolyard nemesis "Nidgey" Jackson (SCOTT FLETCHER) more through help from twin stooges "Wooly" Wollsmith (DANNY COLLIER) and "Quidsy" Rahim (AYESHA HUSSAIN) than own skill and scheming. Uptight dad PAUL "ANOTHER ANGRY FATHER ROLE" COPLEY shouted from behind newspaper, dithering mum (JANE LEE) re-filled the teapot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BREEZY SINGALONG THEME SEALED THE DEAL: "GRU-EY, GRU-EY, NAH NAH NAH NAH GRU-EY..."
THE GRUMBLEWEEDS RADIO SHOW
(1983-89)
GRANADA
EXCEPT IT'S ON TV. Do you see? Some fucking chance. Lousy comedy troupe who transferred from radio, "hilariously" keeping old show name for no comic reason whatsoever. One was bald and fat, and ran around on the floor in an inflatable smock with an airhorn. Another looked like Noel Edmonds and did the sub-Barron Knights songs. Another dressed up as the Milky Bar Kid. Another did Jimmy Savile going on "now then now then" for three fucking minutes. All were shite. Did that crappy thing of inviting a singer on (PATTI BOULAYE, BARBARA DICKSON, someone of that calibre) then arsing around in the background. Two 'Weeds pissed off c.1987 and were replaced with lookalikes. No discernable improvement noted.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHOA WHOA WEEEEEEEEE ARE THE GRUMBLE WEEEEEEEEDS..." FUCK OFF
HARRY H CORBETT grumbled his last as a curmudgeonly newsagent up against "bleeding permissive society" and LYNDA "NURSE GLADYS" BARON.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO SALE
RARE SERIOUS sci-fi drama from LWT, in which a near-future Britain comes increasingly under the rule of riot-helmeted military police known as The Guardians, and their mysterious "general". The PM's hands are tied. The Queen is told to piss off. A ramshackle alliance of terrorists under the name "Quarmby" put up resistance. The death penalty makes a comeback as public entertainment. The PM's son is arrested for smoking pot. One of the first of the 70s police state dystopias, with mass unemployment, food shortages, strikes and galloping inflation all present and correct. Famously not shown in Northern Ireland, as the terrorist sub-plot was deemed "not appropriate at this time", so they bunged THE COMEDIANS on instead. This rather sedate and talky low-budget, ideas-driven series admirably tried to look at the situation from all sides, rather than just go for a scaremongering bit of polemic. Very much a portent of sci-fi series to come.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SOMEWHERE IN THE FUTURE, NOT SO VERY MANY YEARS FROM NOW..." CUT TO WAVY LINE EFFECT TO DENOTE TIME PASSING
FIVE MINUTE FLEABAG originally on Westward then the channel that sank it. Gus was the worst puppet in the world: an expressionless toy rabbit quite clearly being manipulated by a hairy, chunky wristwatch-wearing arm under the table. A succession of oh-so-local presenters uneasily provided the "sanity" by reading out birthday requests from kids, showing pictures, your usual cheap-as-cheap-can schtick. Mr. Honeybun, for his part, did his characteristic "birthday bunny hops" marking out years attained by each kid, sometime "anarchically" showing his arse as well. His only moving part was an eyelid which could wink at the gathered masses. Also there was a mushroom-shaped "magic button" which, when haphazardly hit, caused some weird psychedelic effect on the Chromakeyed background. Even had a theme song - "He's a star on TV, just for you and for me." Got taken along to ITV head office as "lucky mascot" when TSW was trying to get franchise renewed. Station went bust shortly afterwards.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CUE SUSIE BLAKE'S CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER ON VICTORIA WOOD AS SEEN ON TV: "AND CLAIRE SAYS CAN SHE HAVE SEVEN BIRTHDAY HOPS FROM WALLY WALLABY? NO, SHE'S GETTING FOUR, I'M NOT FATIMA BLOODY WHITBREAD"
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