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JACKANORY to JUST GOOD FRIENDS
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RAMSHACKLE READING-IS-FUN RELIC wherein a Famous Person would sit on a chair with a pretend book and ponderously recount the contents of your local mobile library. Everyone who was anyone had a go, and everyone saw it. LEE MONTAGUE raised the curtain courtesy of a handful of fairytales in '65, and ALAN BENNETT took the final bow with The House At Pooh Corner 31 years later. Along the way king of ubiquity was BERNARD CRIBBINS who turned in 17 tales, closely followed by KENNETH WILLIAMS on 12. Numerous Dr Whos looked in, namely PATRICK TROUGHTON, JON P'TWEE, TOM BAKER, PETER DAVIDSON and SYLVESTER MCCOY, as did future nobles of the realm JUDI DENCH and MAGGIE SMITH plus "resting" actors JEREMY IRONS (various Paul Gallico yarns, 1982), PATRICK STEWART (Annerton Pit, 1977), IAN MCKELLEN (The Moon in the Cloud, 1978) and HELENA BONHAM CARTER (The Way To Sattin Shore, 1991). Elsewhere Scots artist JOHN GRANT upended the format by drawing his stories of caveboy Littlenose live in the studio, ditto QUENTIN BLAKE and The Adventures of Lester. INSTANT SUNSHINE went out on the road to Search For The Source Of The M1, while GEORGE MELLY a-bipped and a-bopped his way through Tales From Beatrix Potter. The less said about those viewers-competition-winning-stories the better, likewise PRINCE CHARLES mithering on about the Old Man Of Lochnagar. Brought back in all but name by CBeebies, then with name on BBC1 in 2006.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."PETER OPENED THE TRUNK, AND LOOKED INSIDE, AND SAW...WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE SAW TOMORROW. UNTIL THEN...B'BYE!"
JAKE THACKERY AND SONGS
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
LANKY LACONIC Yorkshire yokel does grown-up version of PLAY AWAY-esque parlour tunes.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OOH, HAVE I DONE THE ONE ABOUT THE CROSS-DRESSING NUN?" YES, DAMMIT!
UNBELIEVABLY TARDY travails of cut-out couldn't-be-arsed feline, whose best mate was (unsurprisingly) a depressed snail, and who both hung out with a hyperactive kangeroo. Now he's here. Growing fat. Chasing birds and butterflies. James the cat.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONE AND ONLY TIME THE WHOLE COUNTY GOT TO SEE THE GRAMPIAN LOGO, MIND
TRIPPY TEATIME childfantasy with the eponymous kid taking receipt of a magic rug from AUBREY MORRIS, which proceeds to transport him on TIMESLIP-ian "adventures throughout history". Tried to stop the Great Fire of London, the fool. Did he never listen to Dr Who about the dangers of meddling with the fabric of time?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TCH
JAMIE AND THE MAGIC TORCH
(LATE 1970s)
GRANADA
JAMIE (OSMONDS blow-wave and flared turn-ups) and his dog, Wordsworth (Norfolk accent and woolly hat) are tucked in one peaceful suburban night by their doting, silhouetted mother. The door closes. Silence. Then- thrusting aside the bedclothes, Jamie grabs his trusty torch and shines it onto the floor, whereupon the circle of light dissolves away to reveal a psychedelic helter-skelter which they jump down, and eventually emerge from via a hole in a tree. The theme song helpfully informs us that this is "Cuckooland". Mayhem ensues with a variety of Yellow Submarine-style (only better) characters, like midget scientist Mr. Boo (in land-based submarine), one-wheeled police officer Gotcha, a Scottish rabbit with one enormous foot, and loads more from the menagerie-filled minds of Cosgrove-Hall.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."COME ON, WORDSWORTH, OUT OF THERE!"
JANA OF THE JUNGLE
(LATE 1970s)
HANNA-BARBERA
POSH FEMALE aristo gets lost in overgrown shrubbery, goes sub-Tarzan native and befriends jaguar called Ghost.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EARTHY
SKIRT-SHEDDING GLASS-SPLITTING ear-shredding Blitz-battering Daily Mirror creation comes to screen courtesy of GLYNIS BARBER and not much else. Literally. CAPTAIN ZEPpoid attitude to set design i.e. there weren't any, with Glynis and co (including FRANK THORNTON, JOHN BIRD, MAX WALL and SUZANNE DANIELLE) being superimposed on shitty Chromakeyed backdrops. Enabled Jane to spend second series "In The Desert", and hence her clothes to spend even less time on her.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GIVE ADOLF ONE FOR ME" "NOT WEARING THIS DRESS I TELL YA!"
HAZEL "A PROBLEM MAN HAD NOT FORESEEN AS YET" O'CONNOR and JESSE "MARRRRCCUUUSSSSSSS!" BIRDSALL hang out down eponymous local discotheque jiving embarrassingly to the likes of Streets Ahead, Fun Boy Three and Bananarama. Hazel wishes she were a proper musician and runs away from home. Marcus smiles enigmatically and offers to buy her another shandy bass.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU? A SINGER? GET AHHHT OF IT!"
JASON OF STAR COMMAND
(1979)
FILMATION
LONG-BANISHED LIVE action effort from the house of Filmation (thick lines, stiff poses, sparse backgrounds, robotic run cycles) with CRAIG LITTLER as a generic hero space blerk.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SCOTTY OFF OF STAR TREK TURNED UP ONCE
JAYCE AND THE WHEELED WARRIORS
(1980s)
SPLENETIC CARTOONERY involving another space blerk only this time emcumbered with sidekicks of varying comedy value driving Mad Max-style vehicles against (infantile sci-fi nomenclature ahoy) The Monster Minds: evil half-car, half-plant things with buzzsaw blades. Essentially forgettable toy merchandise stuff, except this time they forgot to make any toys.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TOPPED OFF WITH THE USUAL "HERE'S THE MORAL" MULCH AT THE END, COURTESY OF, NATURALLY, AN ELDERLY WIZARD
YET MORE animated antics, this time featuring an all-American girl band fronted by Jenna who'd be transformed via holograph-projecting earrings into the titular Jem while at the same time maintaining orphanage bequeathed by her late father, who also invented the computer that generated the holograms. Forever in conflict with bad girl bad The Misfits. Never took off over here thanks erratic splicing and dicing to fit onto the WIDE AWAKE CLUB.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."TRULY OUTRAGEOUS!" WAS THE CATCHPHRASE FOR THE SUB-BARBIE MERCHANDISERY
GOSPEL ACCORDING To Lord Lew. ROBERT POWELL played Him in Sunday-night multi-buck epic, born out of word-in-your-ear "exchange" twixt Pope Paul and Grade over tea in the Vatican. ANTHONY BURGESS and FRANCO ZEFFIRELLI were on scripture duties, while predictably stellar cast reeled in OLIVIA HUSSEY (Mary), ANNE BANCROFT (other Mary), IAN MCSHANE (Judas), MICHAEL YORK (John the Baptist), LAURENCE OLIVIER (Nicodemus - who?), RALPH RICHARDSON (Simeon), JAMES EARL JONES (King #1), DONALD PLEASANCE (King #2), FERNANDO REY (third King), JAMES MASON (Joseph - not that one), PETER USTINOV (baby-eating Herod), CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER (another Herod), ROD STEIGER (Pilate), STACY KEACH (Barrabus), CYRIL CUSACK (Yehuda), IAN BANNEN (Amos), OLIVER TOBIAS (Joel) and legions more. Three-year shoot based in Italy and Tunisia. Cigar-chomper reputedly arrived at million-pound selling price in above-Atlantic aircraft "daydream".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DUSTY MIST AND MISTY DUST
JETSONS, THE
(1963-64)
HANNA-BARBERA
RAUCOUS BUG-EYED rompery of the fourth dimension. Basically, THE FLINTSTONES in space wherein, as earnestly enunciated in the noisiest cartoon theme tune ever, we were invited to "Meet George Jetson" (repressed mithering henpecked put-upon and employee of Spacely Space Sprockets), "Jane, his wife" (shopping-obsessed bouffon-sporting harridan), "his boy Elroy" (squawking nine-year-old pain-in-the-arse geek) and "daughter Judy" (wayward teenager with a penchant for space jive). Much stock H-B over-dubbed audience hysterics at the video phone not working, or Elroy getting stuck down a pneumatic tube, or the Foodarackacycle speeding up and splattering moon cheese over George's moon face. There was dog called Astro voiced - identically - by the bloke who went on to do Scooby Doo, while Jane was voiced by the woman who was simultaneously doing Wilma Flintsone. MEL BLANC was involved too, as Cosmo G Spacely (clearly a memo had gone round underlining the importance of using the word "space" as many times as possible). Not bad for its time, though always liable to leave the sensitive of hearing in temporal time-space shock. Rubbish remakes got churned out in 1985 for no reason, ditto a big screen version.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DEAFENING THEME TUNE ORCHESTRA WIG-OUT COULD SET YOUR TEETH ON EDGE AT FORTY PACES
JEWEL IN THE CROWN, THE
(1984)
GRANADA
ELEPHANTINE RAMBLE around the Raj that reworked the same opulence, class-obsessions and willowy frocks from BRIDESHEAD REVISITED on an even more shameless scale. Lips quivered, giant skirts flapped, brows furrowed. TIM PIGOTT-SMITH, ART MALIK, CHARLES DANCE, SUSAN WOOLDRIDGE, PEGGY ASHCROFT and GERALDINE JAMES were among those who did their best to look dignified when a giant fly landed on their nose in the middle of a poignant monologue. Filming almost killed the cast on location and nearly burned down the Rovers Return back home. Easy to confuse - as a kid, anyway - with A Passage To India, except this didn't have a blacked-up wobbly-headed ALEC GUINNESS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ITCHY
TOP DRAWER CLIVE DOIG-ery combining crossword-style quizzing with patented VISION ON pissing about. Helmed by (initially mute) ADRIAN HEDLEY, JANET ELLIS and floating polystyrene jigsaw piece Jig, with assistance later from 'O-Men' SYLVESTER "STRAIGHT BLOWING" McCOY and DAVID RAPPAPORT, both of whom could be summoned by saying six "double-oh" words in a row. To complete the cross-pollination, VISION ON's DAVID "PROF" CLEVELAND turned up as detective Cid Sleuth. Six-letter mystery word was revealed, one letter at a time, by means of comedy/musical sketches - once for fun, second time (without the solution revealed) for prizes. Another one of those scrawled-in-the-memory-of-millions efforts, not least thanks to Hedley's bleached white mask malingerer Noseybonk, be-sandled Scottish giant Biggum and Ptery the pterydactyl (pipes courtesy of JOHN "K9" LEESON).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LET'S SEE: LOOK, BOOK, TOOK, GRAPPLEHOOK...
NOWT TO do with the above, here lay far less capricious fare presided over by the moustache belonging to none other than DICKIE DAVIS. COUNTDOWN-filler wherein the contestants had to complete crosswords. That was it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND WHAT DID JIGSAWS HAVE TO DO WITH IT? FUCK ALL
JIMBO AND THE JET SET
(MID 1980s)
BBC
DEEPLY IRRITATING animated aerial antipathy centred on Jimbo, squeaky boy-voiced petulant plane with a penchant for taking off when comedy air traffic controller bloke wasn't looking leading to mayhem, bollocks and shouting. PETER MADDOCKS (Arab cartoons in 70s Private Eye) created it. Duchess of York nicked it. Little attention paid to either.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...633 SQUADRON-ESQUE THEME TOOK THE PISS STILL FURTHER
JIMMY WILL FIX IT
(1975-94)
BBC
THAT'S WHAT BILL COTTON wanted to call it, and who are we to disagree? Format pickled in time: automatic chair, square tin medallions, Mr Cigar, "guys and gals", letters on corkboards, kids on beanbags, Mr British Airways, "what we have 'ere", extra special surprise, celebrity guest, "this very brave/beautiful young man/lady", everyone waving at the end, "Now you've done it", etc. Watched by everyone, and if you didn't write in or dream of writing in you're lying. Doesn't bear up at all well nowadays, appearing tired, wrinkled, hugely contrived and plain dull. But enough about the host: what about the Fixes? In no particular order: scouts eating packed lunches on a rollercoaster; kid playing for Liverpool FC replete with Match of the Day graphics and John Motson commentary; kid whose Gran had made him a Dr Who costume and got to appear in specially written mini-story In A Fix With The Sontarans; kid playing drums with Adam and the Ants and ending up with a drum kit of his very own; kid getting to "drive" the Lotus from The Spy Who Loved Me (stunt driver hiding under his feet); kid getting to wrestle in a Tag Match with Big Daddy (because, as he explained in his Nice Letter, "Big Daddy never loses"), Giant Haystacks and AN Other, with Big Daddy still winning because it was the 1970s and that's what always happened; blind lady who sent Jim a piece of music composed by herself which was subsequently arranged by Bob Sharples and conducted by Ted Heath; people who always wanted to stand on the wing of an aeroplane; kid who wanted to make his own computer game, resulting in an isometric affair involving going round a supermarket with a shopping trolley (it was in the Virgin 1.99 range - bearded photo-opportunity ahoy!); that kid who wanted to be in TERRY AND JUNE and got a scene aboard a cross-channel ferry wherein T Medford, for some reason or other, had a ripe Camembert in his coat pocket - cue Fix-It girl walking past on deck: "Pew! What a smell!" Tezza: "I think it's the age." F-IG: "Well, I don't want to get old, then!"; kid who actually got her own record released, to wit 'I'm A Girl' by Stephanie Davies, which unsurprisingly failed to chart; kid who transformed her back garden into a show-jumping course, at which point Harvey Smith, David Broorne and Caroline Bradley showed up pretending to take part minus horses; kid who wanted to read the football results, which they wouldn't let him do on GRANDSTAND obviously, so Len Martin came into the studio to coach the sprog who was then positioned in a miniature version of one of those cardboard results boards they used to use and the whole thing beefed up with getting him to guess the missing score from Len's tone of voice, as in "Leeds nil, Brighton and Hove Albion (measured tone)..." which would be nil, of course, except the kid fucked up the one involving his own team, which was supposed to have won 2,645 - nil, or something; and perhaps the most outrageous moment in the show's history: the kid who wanted a new bedroom. If you recall, some design/furniture firm provided him with thousands of pounds worth of stuff - TRS-80 computer, telly, bed with ladders going up to it (oh no, hang on, that's just a bunk bed), and remote-control curtains. For the grand handover, the comp drew the Jim'll Fix It logo on the screen. What made kids utterly sick was the boy's casual acceptance of everything, particularly the computer, which would have cost a fortune on its own.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SIR JIM'LL LURCHED BACK ONTO SCREENS IN 2007 WITH DREADFUL "REUNION" FIX FOLLY
WATCH WITH MOTHER segment similar in style to MARY, MUNGO AND MIDGE concerning self-same kid whose father ran a roadside transport cafe. Sadly Joe's behaviour left a lot to desired, including throwing mud at an ice cream van. What on earth posessed him?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OR US, FOR THAT MATTER
CEREBRAL DOWNER after the Supermarionation splendour of CAPTAIN SCARLET. Speccy twat Joe Maclaine gets into a spinning wicker basket thing (called "The Big Rat", for fuck's sake) which then enables him to download "expert knowledge" so he can join MI5-style agency WIM, become top international blonde superspy, fight crime and dispense derring-do. A flop, all told, not least thanks to there being no demented vehicles with gadgetry a-plenty, plus episode titles like "International Concerto", "The Unorthodox Shepherd" and "Business Holiday".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AT LEAST BARRY GRAY'S THEME WAS, AS EVER, ACE
JOHN CRAVEN'S NEWSROUND
(1972-NOW)
BBC
THAT'S JOHN CRAVEN'S Newsround. Not the parade of non-threatening blandalikes in trendy haircuts who came afterwards. Original 'Round presented real news in a pre-CSE digestible manner (VAT, energy crisis, Rhodesia), child-friendly trivia (domino toppling, Gossamer Albatross) and the TONIGHT-style "humourous" And Finally story which now forms ninety per cent of ITN's evening bulletins. John had reliable uncle role down to a tee with copious wardrobe of chunky-knit sweaters to match. Frantic xylophone/percussion theme Johnny One-Note icing on the cake. One of the best programmes ever made.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FACT
SITCOM COMMANDMENT #1: never put PETER EGAN in a situation where he cannot behave like a cad. Sadly, consigning him to the role of househusband in this who's-wearing-the-trousers-now sitcommery most definitely meant caddishness was off the cards. HANNAH GORDON was the other half bringing home the bacon down the high street bank working for JOHN BIRD, while Pete lolled about in the lounge entertaining obligatory ditzy neighbours and equally ditzy schemes. Elaborate coinage opening titles helpfully delineated titular pun, were more explanation needed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SITCOM COMMANDMENT #2: PETER EGAN MUST ALWAYS LIVE NEXT DOOR TO RICHARD BRIERS
THE JOKE MACHINE
(1985-9)
BORDER
A MACHINE that told jokes. Old jokes. For kids. As if real people didn't have enough trouble doing this and doing it fucking well. Said machine was called Fearless Fred for a bit, then (with no explanation as to the change) Charles. "In charge" of him were, respectively, THE KRANKIES, ANDREW O'CONNOR and JIMMY CRICKET. PAT COOMBS and JIM BOWEN cranked the handle from time to time. And told a few jokes to boot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MACHINE WAS THE CENTREPIECE OF BORDER'S CONTRIBUTION TO TELETHON '88. WELL, IT WAS EITHER THAT OR STU FRANCIS. WHEN IT CAME TO PERSONALITY, NO CONTEST.
JOKER'S WILD
(1969-74)
YORKSHIRE
BARRY CRYER (with black hair!) fronted this spontaneous (in the same way that HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU is spontaneous) gagfest from the smudgy-coloured early seventies, devised by regular participant RAY CAMERON. The two teams of top comedians were captained initially by LES DAWSON and TED RAY, then "BIG-HEARTED" ARTHUR ASKEY and, erm, ROLF HARRIS. Simple format - a PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT-sized card would emerge somehow from Cryer's desk. On said card would be a topic for a joke - holidays, mothers-in-law etc - on which the panellists would humorously hold forth, or just flannel until they remembered the joke they'd worked out beforehand. Average stuff, except for the fact it was the only place you'd ever see the worlds-in-collision line-up NORMAN COLLIER, JOHN CLEESE (not looking embarrassed at all) and Askey working together. A "women's lib" boys-v-girls special was also on the, er, cards, with DIANA DORS captaining the ladies' team. "Quick-witted chairman Barry Cryer deals the subjects off the top of the pack for a stop-me-if-you-have-heard-this-one joke-telling session between two teams of lively jokers under their resident captains, Ted Ray and Les Dawson. The rules - if you can call them that - are as follows: place seasoned wits in a studio with a smattering of funny stories, offer a card to the comedian and let him tell the joke. Then let the others interrupt and finish the joke for the who picked the card..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MADNESS! BUT IT'S FUN"
A "PEOPLE say the funniest things!" out-and-aboutfest in the style of THAT'S LIFE! and GAME FOR A LAUGH. "Ordinary" people in their places of work told gags to camera. In other words, "resident office joker" got pushed to the front and told gags to camera. Obviously 1975-style broadcastable gags only were allowed, hence the true flavour of workplace humour never quite got through. Much evidence of moaning over gas, oil, bread, binmen et al being in short supply.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS WERE THE TITULAR FUNNIES
"MY MOTHER..." "Who's a nurse!" Premium loaf lampoonery revolving around stereotyped Yorkshire clan, home to the titular tyke (RICHARD HOLIAN) and his twittering brood headed by LESLIE SCHOFIELD and JANE LOWE, with Kevin Webster's sister thrown in for good measure. Smashing stuff, done properly just for laughs with the odd surreal escapade along the way ("Ere, I never noticed that cellar door before!" "That's because it were never there before!"). Our Jonny forever given the runaround at school by mischevious twins Jinny and Josie. Every episode had dog Razzle running off and running amok. Nice one.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."ERE RAZZLE - YOU'VE EATEN ALL ME MAM'S BREAD!"
JONNY QUEST
(1965)
HANNA-BARBERA
MOUTHY MIDGET, son of Dr. Benton Quest, has various hung-go adventures along with Indian mate Hadji, pilot/bodyguard person Race Bannon and dog Bandit, battling the terrible Dr Zin. "Real" science mixed in with wackadaisical wanderings.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...QUEST-IONABLE
JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS
(1973)
HANNA-BARBERA
YET MORE animated jollies from the fastest working felt-tips in Hollywood, this time boasting an all-female band plus actual pussycat, Shaggy-like Alan and managed. Got into scrapes. Got out their guitars.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."LONG TAILS AND EARS FOR HATS!"
JUMPERS-FOR-GOALPOSTS JAPERY trotted out in the eternally promising but usually disappointing just-after-JOHN CRAVEN slot, notable by dint of being a) really rather ace b) being about football and c) being penned by SID "VOICE OF DARTS" WADELL. Eponymous Joswell Blair, erswhile "player" for Newcastle United (injured for life after - ho ho - just one match) takes over struggling Geordie junior league squad the Glipton Grasshoppers. Team turns out to be interested in anything but hitting the back of the net. Much pitching about ensues. MIKE "MOP AND SMIFF" supplied shouty theme (replete with obligatory kids call-and-response chorus) which attested to football being "a branch of science". Second series found players not so much concerned with scoring goals as scoring...with girls! Plus they ended up going to Italy, which meant the theme tune naturally changed to Italian.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."JOSSEH! AH CANNAE MAKE THA' MATCH SAT'DEE!"
A JOURNEY IN THE LIFE OF JOHN LENNON
(1985)
BBC
BLACKSTUFF BOY BERNARD HILL as eponymous whinging Dr Winston O'Boogie narrating his own life story in that everso-arch wandering-through-your-childhood-as-an-unseen-observer style. Yet another '80s show (see JANE above) to superimpose live actors onto drawn backgrounds with fuzzy-outlined chromakey technology, thereby ensuring it dated faster than anything from the whole of the 1970s.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE MAN'S (CORRECT) ASSESSMENT OF TWO VIRGINS: "I FELT A RIGHT IDIOT WITH ME PRICK OUT!"
JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH
(1968-69)
FILMATION
CUMBERSOME RENDERING of the Jules Verne epic in earnest animated form, with Professor Oliver Lindenbrook (TED KNIGHT) and nephews doing the burrowing/underground pterodactyl races/Atlantis bit. Count Saccnusson (er, TED KNIGHT) is the evil little fucker trying to stop them. Lumpen, much like the titular destination, but had this been done in the Willy Fogg-filled 80s the Prof would've been a talking dog and his best mate a camp badger or something, so be grateful for small mercies.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DID THEY COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE, IN AUSTRALIA? DID THEY BOLLOCKS!
JOURNEY TO THE UNKNOWN
(1968-69)
HAMMER
BANKROLLED BY 20th Century Fox, this forerunner of the self-same's HOUSE OF HORROR made-for-telly tall tales had the works, from your eerie-deserted-fairground-opening-titles to your famous-faces-in-mortal-peril-plotlines. Yank was always the lead, the Brits playing second fiddle. Among the highlights: rabid revolutionary PATTY DUKE is stalked by GEOFFREY "CATWEAZLE" BAYLDON in a hotel; telepathic twins make NANETTE NEWMAN's life a misery; and STEFANIE "HART TO HART" POWERS gets brought back to life only to die again in exactly the same way as before.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TYPICALLY PREPOSTEROUS EPISODE TITLES INCLUDED 'THE BECKONING FAIR ONE' AND 'DO ME A FAVOUR, KILL ME'
BBC2 'POP' MUSIC extravaganza helmed by MAGENTA DEVINE, cannily titled to allow bored continuity announcers to wax and wane along lines of "Magenta DeVine will be along in half an hour with your weekly ration of Juice", usually followed by nationwide sound of hoofer doofers being flicked elsewhere. Likes of U2 and Simple Minds deemed too square to appear (read: too expensive) in favour of Dr. and the Medics and China Crisis.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MAGENTA FLED TO NETWORK 7 WHEN JUICE FINALLY RAN...OH BOLLOCKS
JUKE BOX JURY
(1959-67/1979/1989-90)
BBC
"HELLO THERE" quoth LORD DAVID JACOBS from behind a giant fuck-off desk, bedecked with a comedy-sized bell (to denote a "hit") and comedy-sized klaxon (a "miss") depending on collective opinions of gathered panel comprising - by law - two "experts" and two "celebrities". In the 60s this meant the likes of ROY ORBISON rubbing shades with THORA HIRD, CHARLIE DRAKE nestling up to DUSTY SPRINGFIELD, HERMIONE GINGOLD perched next to DIONNE WARWICK, KATIE BOYLE shifting uneasily next to JOHN PEEL, and SCOTT WALKER scaring the EARL OF ARRAN. Legendary post-GRANDSRAND fixture for ages, part of supposedly Best Ever Saturday Line-Up (until the next one) of JBJ/DR WHO/DIXON OF DOCK GREEN/MATCH OF THE DAY. FLUFF declared that 'Living Doll' "wouldn't sell a copy". DAVID McCALLUM said of Pinky and Perky had "a certain charm that pigs don't usually have". Died when rock gained upper hand over pop, only returning when situation was reversed in the late 70s, wherein NOEL EDMONDS manned the desk trying to keep JOHN LYDON and FLUFF (again) from having a fight. Died again, showing up for a third time because Janet Street-Porter "thought it was good idea", with JOOLS HOLLAND presenting from inside his "house". Mystery guest element gave rise to memorable incident involving GLENN MEDEIROS being roundly trashed before having to come on and fail to take it like a man. Should be due for fourth revival round about...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHENEVER PATRICK KIELTY NEEDS ANOTHER VEHICLE TO FLOG INTO THE GROUND
UNLIKE DR WHO, was not the name of the person as well as the programme. Comfortable 50-minute northern provincial policewomanry starring STEPHANIE TURNER/ANNA CARTERET as Inspector Jean Darblay/Kate Longton. Heroine battled against usually boorish baiting from male peers and "difficult" domesticities. Likes of JAMES GROUT, GERARD KELLY and DAVID "SCIENCE WORKSHOP" HARGREAVES manned the other desks.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME RIPPED OFF JS BACH, THE LAZY BLEEDERS
JUNGLE TED AND THE LACY BUTTON-POPPERS
(1970s)
ITV
2D STOP-FRAME minimalist animation five-minuter parked just before HORSE IN THE HOUSE. "Ted" is a white-man Tarzan-type character, swinging through the trees, eating bananas etc. Titular others included a cowardly chimpanzee and a supercilious crocodile. Motion achieved by attaching their arms and legs to their bodies via those funny brass paper-fasteners that you used to get in art lessons, the ones that folded back (hence show's title, "Lacy Button-Poppers"). Well, it was the 70s. "Prices" and all.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EVEN MORE SHOESTRING THAN CRYSTAL TIPPS AND ALISTAIR, WERE SUCH A THING POSSIBLE
CREAKY FLEAPIT of a show utilising old-time Music Hall format to showcase middle-class brats who'd been sent to piano lessons or owned their own top hats. Produced by religious broadcasting uberlord JESS "THE BISHOP" YATES, the presenter was the pitifully enthusiastic BOBBY BENNETT, all smiles and high kicks. Regulars included the Poole family (mainstays of STARS ON SUNDAY, presented by one Jess Yates) and shrieking BONNIE LANGFORD, plus teenage rock bands mincing about sucking in their cheeks who would always win out over the fat accordionist with the fringe and broad grin. Room was also found, naturally, for your regular old-time minstrel show nonsenry wherein white stage school twats in burnt cork and golliwog outfits tried to guess the answers to riddles posed by a similarly-attired and made-up Bobby Bennett as 'Mr. Interlocutor'.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SLIGHTLY MORE ENLIGHTENED THAN IT AIN'T 'ALF HOT MUM
JUST AMAZING!
(1984)
YORKSHIRE
HOW WRONG can a title be? Ho-hum ITV answer to RECORD BREAKERS minus the "official" alcoholic endorsement of Guinness. None-more-eighties trio of KENNY LYNCH, BARRY SHEENE and SUZANNE DANIELLE introduced various dumb facts and stunts. Only one item was memorable: idiotic American who jumped over cars speeding towards him came into studio to show clip of himself not quite managing it, and tearing own foot from its socket in slow motion.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND WILL YOU BE DOING IT AGAIN?"
JUST GOOD FRIENDS
(1983-86)
BBC
"C'MON, PEN!" Quintessential romanticom out of the Beeb's (and John Sullivan's) top drawer, with a sparkling JAN FRANCIS falling in and out and into love with PAUL NICHOLAS. Cross-class chicanery a-plenty thanks to protagonists' respective families, foibles and fiercely textbook-80s obsessions with sharp suits, curries, wine bars and share options. On-off business went on and on then off seemingly for good, before Michael Grade insisted there be happiness ever after on Christmas Day 1986.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHAT WOULD YOU SAY...?" BRING IT BACK NOW!
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