M
2/3
Click to find your programme:
MACGYVER to MASQUERADE
THE MASTER to MISSION : IMPOSSIBLE
MITCH to MYSTERIOUS CITIES OF GOLD
M |
Click to find your programme: |
|
NOTHING TO do with DR WHO's laughing cavalier turned lamentable klutz. Instead, OLAF POOLEY was a 150-year-old tyrant bent on world domination (like, er, the one in DR WHO) by holding everyone to ransom with a giant death-ray from his bachelor pad on Shipping Forecast-favourite Rockall. Thwarted by a combination of GEORGE BAKER, a kid with telepathic powers, ADRIENNE POSTA, a dog, JOHN LAURIE and a car accident.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."EPISODE THREE: BEHIND THE ANTLERS"
THAT FAMOUS theme tune was called "Impending Menace", but we reckon it should have been named "Fanfare for the Common Man", as this teatime slice of austerity was television's greatest ever platform for spod-u-likes and nerd-do-wells. Never before had an obsession with Polish pottery circa the 1930s been so richly rewarded. Presiding over the interrogation was fearsome question master MAGNUS MAGNUSSON, a man of gravitas and oft-spoken Nordic roots. His famous catchphrase "in my homeland of Iceland" featured less in MASTERMIND than most programmes in which he appeared, but he still made for a memorable, if overly formal questionmaster. Ironically, given the show was broadcast from a different educational institution each week, MASTERMIND's most iconic element was its stark "set". Indeed during the 70s the comfy black chair and spotlight asethetic appeared on numerous comedy shows, usually though it has to be said, in the form of sketches parodying MASTERMIND. Of the many series winners the most well-remembered is undoubtedly cabbie driver FRED HOUSEGO. He became something of a celebrity off the back of his appearances, thereby prompting the weirdly inverted cry of "you'll never guess who had me in the back of his taxi" from starstruck, Metropolitan-based Hackney riding 'Mind-ers. Latterly revived by the peerless JOHN HUMPHRYS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SO HOW DID YOU FIRST BECOME INTERESTED IN THE LIFECYCLE AND HABITS OF CHIN-STRAPPED PENGUINS?"
UPMARKET RIDDLE-ME-REE business doled out in weekly 45 minute doses. WILLIAM "SCHWEPPES" FRANKLYN hosted, with JENNY LEE-WRIGHT on hand as, ahem, "Miss Moneypacker". Opened with famed Clouseau-esque animated japery as be-cloaked agent lit bomb fuse with cigar. Premise relied on three "agents" assigned a mission plus elaborate cover stories, then meeting requisite quota of special "guests" en route to target. Contestants awarded jumble of correspondence at the outset from "The Department Of Hazardous Projects" courtesy of one "R.J. Bingham-Sterndale". KRYTPON FACTOR-lite sequence of rounds - logic, observation, manual etc. - mingled with appearances from Agent X (aka Very Special Guest), culminating in GENERATION GAME rip-off playlet with Franklyn prompting hapless contestants via walkie-talkies.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MORE FUN THAN MOONRAKER, FOR SURE
MATCH OF THE DAY
(1964-NOW)
BBC
ONCE A Saturday night-only appointment, now a franchise seemingly wheeled out at any time of the day (it's World Cup Grandstand, dammit!). You know the drill:
1) Seminal theme tune which gets revamped every couple of years to a chorus of complaints then gets changed back again
2) Besuited pundit panel of varying form but always boating a "head boy" (i.e. JIMMY HILL, ALAN HANSEN)
3) "Coming up", all the action from "the games that matter", i.e. be thankful for what you've got
4) Occasional boring feature profiling struggling/plucky/wacky/foreign player/manager who is currently "causing an upset" in a lower league
5) Goal Of The Month with a prize of two tickets to an away fixture as close as possible to London to keep the BBC budget down
6) Delirious shouting from the likes of JOHN MOTSON, DAVID COLEMAN or BARRY DAVIES
7) Earnest analysis of "spot of bother" at this or that ground, inevitably ending with someone concluding "the authorities really need to crack down on this sort of thing"
8) Pithy sign-off from your host, either mastered by the majestic Lynam or muffed by the mithering Lineker.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OH, AND OPEN-NECKED SHIRTS OR JUMPERS FOR SUNDAY FIXTURES
NO-NONSENSE NUMERICAL school business distinguished from fantasy-led MATHS-IN-A-BOX by dint of urban locations and (relatively) gritty realism. ARTHUR ENGLISH, ROY KINNEAR and others struggled with calculators, timetables, estimates and an ace burbling electro theme tune.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NO LOOK, YOU'VE BEEN ROUNDING THE FIGURES UP! YOU SHOULD HAVE ROUNDED THEM DOWN!"
MORE NUMBER-CRUNCHING, this time going for the hey-kids-it's-fun angle with comedy incompetent police inspector Fred Newton (a moonlighting TONY 'MATHSHOW' HUGHES) of the Number Squad purpoting to solve unlikely simple maths-related crimes along with standard does-all-the-real-solving sidekick WPC Susan Jones (JACQUELINE CLARKE) and cleaning lady played by her off CITIZEN SMITH. Explained the notion of scale by inviting the inspector to a public information film with sets (brick wall and chalk) multiplied by a factor of ten.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HILDA BRAID, THAT WAS HER NAME
AGAIN WITH the adding, and as the title suggests a far more sombre affair than the previous two. Animated diagrams demystify trigonometry and statistics with a profusion of yellow-on-brown stencils. Once more, an ace theme tune (what was it with school maths shows and superlative title music?) FERGUS O'KELLY did the voice.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WE NEEDN'T STOP AT ONE REVOLUTION"
MATHSCORE ONE/TWO
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
WHEREAS HERE we get the complete opposite: maths with, hey, a football twist! ROGER SLOMAN was manager of some made-up side or other, helming sketches about square numbers, scale factors, stacking tins in shops and that old chess board with grains of rice paradox. Different series for different colour-coded SMP boxes.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOUR MATHSCORE IS NOW ONE!"
WHEN WILL it end? This was pretty decent fare, actually, and the nearest you got to Johnny Ball in school hours. A veritable pot pourri of mathematical animations and sketches, including a square (the pipes of CHARLES "WORDY" COLLINGWOOD) talking to a circle, a character called Des Cartes, and of course the DOCTOR HOW? mini-series wherein serial moonlighter TONY HUGHES dressed up as Tom Baker and "solved" various maths-related phenomena, eg. an invisible boundary line in a park which makes portions of paper plates disappear, or when the laws of probability get all fucked up and when they (for instance) cut up a newspaper and read words at random, a la David Bowie, it still made perfect sense (pas a la David Bowie). Mainly written by Alex Glasgow, who, in between chairing SCENE-style discussion shows for General Studies kids, would resurface as...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND, NATURALLY, YET ANOTHER GREAT THEME: "DO-DOO, DO-DO-DOO, DO-DOO, DO-DOO-DO-DOO, DO-DOO, DO-DOO, DO-DOO!", AS HEARD OVER THE END CREDITS OF GEORGES ROMERO'S DAWN OF THE DEAD
...THE MAN behind this affair, not so imperial as the one above, but still better than other watch-and-copy-this-down endeavours. This was ostensibly a "comedy adventure series" dealing with slightly more basic concepts and starring two bog-standard kids who find a mysterious "dice", from which emerges a babbling, op-art-clothed, P'tweean alien bloke called Powkah, who despite having mastered interstellar travel and dimensional compression has trouble counting up to ten. The kids then take him all over the place (ie. cheap locations in the south of England) via a suspiciously TARDIS-like "box" to teach all manner of basic mathematical and physical stuff. Plus there was an annoying computer (voiced by the writer) who sang songs of similar educational persuasion. Kids and Pow went in and out of the craft by grasping the old man's "Truestock" (a sort of plastic blunt dagger with the numbers one to twenty written down the side for easy reference) and chanting "ticky-ticky-tox, out of (into) the box!" followed by a standard Rentaghost dematerialisation.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FINAL EPISODE SAW THEIR MUM, INEVITABLY, FINDING OUT ALL ABOUT THEIR "LITTLE GAME"
MATT AND GERRY LTD.
(1975)
THAMES
UNTIL THE arrival of I'M PASQUALE, HE'S WALSH, the most delirious coupling in TV history. For your lunchtime viewing pleasure, please welcome Messrs MATTHEW CORBETT and GERRY MARSDEN. Yup, from The Pacemakers. Plus Bobo the computer.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE LAUGHS WERE LIMITED, IF NOTHING ELSE
MATT HOUSTON
(1983-87)
AARON SPELLING
LIKE CAIN and Able, Aaron and Glen Larson engaged in a battle royal throughout the 80s as to who could rustle up the biggest slabs of preposterous prime time palaver. Here's Aaron fighting back after an A-Z resurgance from Glen (see MANIMAL and MASQUERADE above), courtesy of the poor man's TOM SELLECK, LEE HORSLEY, a wealthy idler who rounds up criminals in his spare time, aided if not abetted by PAMELA "PRINCESS ARDALA" HENSLEY, a smart computer called Baby, requisite Italian American loudmouth Vince Novelli (JOHN APREA) and his uncle Roy. Having his own helicopter inevitably meant one-in-the-eye for dopey old footsolidering felons, every bloody week.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."COMEDY" SUPPLIED BY "SIMPLE" RANCH-HANDS BO AND LAMAR
RICKETY OLD 1950s Western gets revived for no reason other than to allow JAMES GARNER to say "thought you'd never see me again" while tipping back his hat and looking rakish. Original ran from 1959-63 and involved Garner and numerous brothers taking the piss out of bog standard Westernisms. 1982 resurrection was latest in a run of similar such endeavours, and the last.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRED ROGER MOORE PLAYING COUSIN BEAUREGARD PLAYING ROGER MOORE
MAX HEADROOM
(1980s)
CHRYSALIS
JEREMY ISAACS'S favourite ever Channel 4 programme: fact! And you thought the old bugalugs didn't have a sense of humour (well, he was responsible for THE CUT PRICE COMEDY SHOW). Original was actually REBUS - THE MAX HEADROOM STORY, set in Blade Runny futuroscape, with multiple TV channels (mostly owned by Maxwellian fat bloke) fucking up the population (especially famous "blipvert" exploding bloke scene). Ace mobile reporter (MATT FREWER) is doing an undercover nose on this stuff, gets caught, chased, dies in a bike smash, but is re-animated by the TV blokies as virtual groove-headed, shadewearing Max Headroom (after sign he saw just before the crash), who then links their TV shows in stuttery, knackered Transatlantic style. Actual titular show was proto-MTV clip-linking stuff, with much bouncy lines in background and references to 80s cultural jetsam. Arch status sealed in collaboration with The Art Of Noise.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."ON DRUMS - THE POPE!"
MCCLOUD
(1972-76)
IT COULDN'T BE, COULD IT? COULD IT? PERHAPS - IT COULD
ANOTHER OFFSPRING of ITV's Mystery Movie strand (see MACMILLAN AND WIFE, if you dare), here came DENNIS "GENTLE BEN" WEAVER swapping his airboat for a horse as the eponymous New Mexico lawman using cowboy chicanery to lassoo hoodlams in Harlem. Literally rode into town in opening titles. Behind it all: that cowed husk of a hotshot who we haven't heard from for all 50 seconds...GLEN A. LARSON!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TROY MCCLURE-ESQUE EPISODE TITLES INCLUDED "THE SOLID GOLD SWINGERS" AND "THE DAY NEW YORK TURNED BLUE"
QUIRKY KID sci-finery involving a child and a shape-changing alien (purple spotted, as was the style of the times) which constantly transformed into various household objects - lampshades, etc. - going "Meep!" as it did so. ROY BARRACLOUGH was in it. Nothing was proved, but then nobody was watching.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WAS ONE OF SIX PILOTS TRANSMITTED FOR KIDS TO VOTE FOR THEIR FAVOURITE TO BE MADE INTO A SERIES; ROBBIE'S ROBOTS WON
THE SMELL of a Friday night. John Birt's idea of a weekend curtain-raiser and RICHARD O'SULLIVAN's idea for a pension plan, this was superlative sitcommage and no fooling. Rich works as a none-more-80s advertising executive in none-more-80s named firm Eyecatchers (replete with huge eye logo) struggling in none-more-80s way to bring up daughter single-handedly after the premature death of his missus. Only the likes of dippy mate TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR and crotchety mother-in-law JOAN SANDERSON kept throwing a none-more-80s spanner in the works. Sublime signature tune had Peter Skellern crooning wistfully ("Sometimes it seems/she shatters my dreams...") over plucked strings and slap bass.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AXED BY GREG DYKE, THE SWINE
ME AND MY MICRO
(1985)
CHANNEL 4
LORD FRED HARRIS jumped ship from MAKING THE MOST OF... momentarily to present his own amateur games-writing show, eschewing the BBC for the more popular Spectrum and Electron and knocking out such classic games as Monsterzap (Space Invaders, more or less) as he did so in good old BASIC. Avuncular atmosphere well to the fore, with Fred the Fellow Amateur throughout ("I don't know about you, but we find the idea of wandering through pages and pages of computer code horrifying...") You could buy the programmes on tape for a couple of quid after the programme, or (ah, was it really so long ago?) the listings to type in yourself.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WE REPEAT: BRING IT BACK NOW! WELL, FRED, AT LEAST.
EMERALD ISLE export Bunjy Kennefick (MILO O'SHEA), a man of fast words and even faster living, struggles to crawl out from under the thumb of horrendous matriach ANNA MANAHAN and bossy fiancee YOOTHA JOYCE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MEMORABLE SCENE FEATURED IRATE MANAHAN COMMANDING HER CUPBOARD FULL OF CRUCIFIXES TO ATTACK "IMMORAL" O'SHEA
MORE GRADE expectations. Supernatural bunkum made for America (weren't they always?), very possibly RICHARD BURTON's least finest moment, and frequently shown/buried in ITV's Sunday night 'Murder, Mystery, Suspense' strand (along with that one with the girl who gets buried alive). Burton played the intense Robert Morlar - "I have the power to create catastrophe" - an embittered novelist with telekinetic powers (all the rage back in the 1970s) who killed his parents by sending them over a cliff in a car, burned down his school after being forced to count some leaves, caused his next-door-neighbour to jump out of the window after an argument over some bad fish and made a jumbo jet crash into a tower block. He also brought about the death of several American astronauts (cue cameo appearance from SHAW TAYLOR as television newsreader). Also starring LEE REMICK as Morlar's shrink (and would-be assassin) and LINO VENTURA as the French detective assigned to the case because of a European police exchange, you see, and not just because the film was part-financed by French money, all right? The climax came with a thanksgiving service at London's famous dilapidated "Minster Cathedral". Morlar promised to "bring the whole towering edifice down on their heads", which he did, with plenty of polystyrene rubble landing on the heads of the great and good (and, hilariously, a bell on top of a hapless bell-ringer) on live TV, although the Queen fortuitously avoided the disaster when Ventura told her security men there's been "a bumscare". He then sets off for the hospital where Morlar was taken after Remick's murder attempt (she committed suicide by the way - do keep up) and purposefully pulls out all those tubes and medical equipment, as GORDON JACKSON watches in awe. Phew! But wait! We can't believe it! He's still alive! Lino hands the unconscious Morlar a pencil, with which he shakily writes the word Windscale, site of a nuclear demo the very next day...yikes! Well, it would have been if they hadn't changed the name to Sellafield about 20 years earlier.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LEW-DICROUS
THORA HIRD and FREDDIE FRINTON remind JOHN LENNON when it's time for tea.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THIS? GOT IT ON THE HP, 'COURSE!"
MERSEY PIRATE
(1979)
GRANADA
ANOTHER SUMMER filler between the delirious dentures of TISWAS. From the north and for the north, your setting was a mock-up galleon in a Liverpool dock and your host was COMEDIANS regular DUGGIE BROWN. Inclement weather meant proceedings were often rained off and replaced with poor-quality cartoonery. When the sun was out, however, so was Duggie, the likes of Bad Manners and The Dooleys, a couple of "hilarious" blundering scouse gits called Sculley and Mooey, and Frank Carson as Long John Silver with a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. Latter involved in a memorable bit of prankery, wherein he pre-recorded a section telling shit jokes to a bunch of visiting kids, upon which the audience ran off screaming up some steps only to find, waiting through the magic of editing, Frank waiting to deliver more gags. Hilarious. It was the way he told them.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SANK DURING THE ENDLESS ITV 1979 STRIKE
GRAPHITE GRADUATE FROM the unlikely environs of BILL ODDIE's SATURDAY BANANA, penned by COLIN "ROLAND RAT: THE SERIES" BOSTOCK-SMITH and directed by MICKEY "MICHAEL" DOLENZ. Now there's a triple-headed tragedy waiting to happen. Sure enough, results were off the low end of LWT's low-budget lattitudes, wherein the titular wingnut-headed deep throat dustbin on skates wound up suburban household of Mum ("stringbean" played by GEORGINA MELVILLE), Dad (the Anton Rodgers-like MICHAEL STAINTON), Mick's inventor Ken (ASHLEY KNIGHT), kids Haley, Janey and Steve, and of course Gran (IRENE HANDL - "fruitbat"). Fame soon beckoned, in the shape of comedy jousting with Dusty Bin on 3-2-1.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE..."
"MTV COPS" was the diktat issued by network bosses, and so begat studiously stylised neon-lit, pastel-shaded and surprisingly violent buddy cop antics. DON JOHNSON was designer-stubbled Sonny Crockett and PHILIP MICHAEL THOMAS was man with a mission Ricardo Tubbs, out to avenge his brother's murder at the hands of drug dealers, both ready to blow the crap of Miami's criminal fraternity with reckless abandon. "Depth" was provided by elegiac moments as Crockett drove his Ferrari Spider in time to Phil Collins during the midnight hour. Quickly jumped the shark, probably literally, and later lost it entirely when SHEENA EASTON arrived to play Crockett's love interest then wife, only to get bumped off James Bond-style. And then Phil Collins showed up in person. As did James Brown. And Little Richard. Enough now!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CROCKETT'S HOUSEBOAT WAS CALLED ST VITUS DANCE AND HIS ALLIGATOR WAS NAMED ELVIS
SIX SERVINGS of ALAN PLATER. FRANK WINDSOR decides to go into business with FRANCIS MATTHEWS and a variety of ludicrous enterprises ensue, including a line in false toenails. GWEN TAYLOR mithered in the background.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IAN "PYTHON" MACNAUGHTON LURKED BEHIND THE CAMERA
MIDNIGHT CALLER
(1989-92)
LORIMAR
THE EQUALIZER meets FRASIER. GARY COLE was your intense ex-cop who'd left the force in disgrace after accidentally shooting his partner (as you do) only to start a new life as a radio DJ counselling late night hour listeners on their problems and then hunting down those who caused them. Went under the name, or handle if you like, of Nighthawk. Kicked around the arse-end of BBC1 weeknight schedules for ages.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GOODNIGHT AMERICA WHEREVER YOU ARE"
MIDNIGHT IS A PLACE
(1977)
SOUTHERN
ORPHANED TYKE Lucas Bell (posh, of course) is watched over by bombastic guardian Sir Randolph Oakapple. Man decides to give boy a lesson in class politics by dint of a trip to his mill - the Midnight Mill, naturally - where he forces the sprog to work. There Lucas meets Anne-Marie, a French girl. Pair have to fend for themselves when dopey Oakapple burns himself to death. Spend a while collecting cigarette butts from the street. Meanwhile another kid gets stamped to death by an industrial carpet press. Packaged as children's entertainment, believe it or not, but little fun to be found.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT MUCH IN THE WAY OF POINT, EITHER
THE MIGHTY HEROES
(1968)
TERRYTOONS
SUPERHERO SPOOFATHON from the makers of DEPUTY DAWG. The Big City is menaced by a nutty villain of some kind, and "a call goes out for the Mighty Heroes!" To wit: Ropeman (sailor who turns into a bit of rope), Cuckooman (cuckoo clock salesman who turns into goofy, clucking incompetent), Tornadoman (weatherman who spins around), Strongman (car mechanic who..."is strong") and Diaperman (baby who turns into strong, cigar-smoking baby man thing). Together they swell up to clobber the foe. Mightily.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND HEROICALLY
MIGHTY MOMENTS FROM WORLD HISTORY
(1985)
CHANNEL 4
BEFORE THEY discovered they could buy in decent comedy from abroad, ver Four made do with homegrown efforts like this: the two-man National Theatre of Brent, namely PATRICK BARLOW as the pretentious Desmond Dingle and his entire acting company, played by either JIM BROADBENT as Wallace or ROBERT AUSTIN as Bernard, doing parodies and making a virtue of their crapness. Each week the hapless pair endeavoured to recreate a famous historical event or legend (Lawrence of Arabia, King Arthur, the Nativity) with no money, cheap props and little clue as to what they were doing. Barlow's still flogging the same one-joke nonsensory to this day.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DESMOND! IT'S STUCK, DESMOND!"
MEANDERING MONOCHROME rodent roustabout gets updated 30 years later courtesy of RALPH "HEAVY TRAFFIC" BAKSHI injecting a) colour b) piss-taking c) in-jokes a-plenty. Over the heads of most, like the titular imp's trajectories.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HERE HE COMES TO SAVE THE DAY, NOW IN THE FORM OF NIFTY APPLE MAC GADGETRY
ONE-HIT WONDER Freddie Mercury rip-off merchant who Steve Wright played to death in early 2007. Also, another summer holiday morning ITV fillers revolving around titular pest from Finland, whose pride and joy was a reindeer called Ossien, who was on some kind of quest, and whose arrival on our screens was always heralded by a chorus of sickly-sweet kids shouting "Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikaaaaaaaa!". One episode featured Mika betting on a pigeon race along with some locals in backward reindeer-roasting village; ends up quids-in, but nearly doesn't turn up to collect winnings. That was the level of excitement.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BARELY LESS COMATOSE THAN HEIDI
THE MIKE HARDING SHOW
(1979-1982)
BBC
PROFESSIONAL NORTHERNERN wielding guitar, mouthorgan and dreaded squeezebox does various turns in front of a braying audience, usually comprising Carrott-esque mix of ripe gags and comedy songs baring names like "The Ghost of the Cafe Gunga Din".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PARTNERS IN RHYME WERE CALLED THE FIVEPENNY PIECE, COS THERE WERE FIVE OF THEM, AND THEY WERE A FIVE-PIECE BAND
MIKE REID'S MATES AND MUSIC
(1984)
CENTRAL
WE'LL PASS on both, if you don't mind.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THOSE TITULAR COMRADES IN FULL: GARY WILMOT, DUNCAN NORVELLE, KENNY LYNCH, RAY ALAN AND LORD CHARLES, AND PATRICIA BRAKE
MIND YOUR LANGUAGE
(1977-79)
LWT
.JPG)
"PLEASE, LET us have no racialism!" Cheery bah-bah-bah theme tune capped with animated big-heads-on-little-bodies was truly the only thing worth celebrating about this multi-nation mitherfest. As with LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR, supposed mass bigoted conspiracy dwarfed by the fact it just didn't contain any decent gags. BARRY EVANS was your hapless evening class instructor, trying to unite one and all in the pursuit of a decent conjugation. Look away now: students included representatives from China (man with slit eyes), France (woman with striped jumper), Germany (man with temper), India (man with wobbly head), Japan (another man with slit eyes), Pakistan (man with sing-song voice), Spain (man with twirly moustache) and Sweden (woman with huge breasts).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...REVIVED, INCREDIBLY, IN 1985 BUT ONLY FOUR REGIONS WERE DESPERTE ENOUGH TO SHOW IT
LONG-OVERDUE FOR a revival, this, or at least a remake. GEORGE COLE aka Arthur Daley (sheepskin coat, cigar, hat, jewellery, 'er indoors, "nice little earner", "world is your lobster, my son") and DENNIS WATERMAN aka Terry McCann (boxer, fighter, mouthing-off-er) fall in and out of trouble every week, encountering dodgy a) gear b) birds c) topless birds d) filth e) motors en route. Went on for ever. TOP OF THE POPS came calling when theme, performed by 'Dennis Waterman And The Dennis Waterman Band' went skywards, ditto spoken-word novelty Christmas tune 'What Are We Gonna Get For 'Ed Indoors'. Waterman pissed off to be replaced by GARY WEBSTER in 1991. Also kicking around: GEORGE LAYTON, GLYNN EDWARDS, PATRICK MALAHIDE, PETER CHILDS and ANTHONY VALENTINE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...COPYRIGHT-BUSTING "ARFUR" FIGURE REPRESENTED LEEDS LIQUID GOLD ON THE SIDE
CONTEMPORARY CHART action (Kajagoogoo, Belle Stars, Cyndi Lauper) gets radical re-interpretation by under-tens plastered with buckets of make-up and wearing adult clothes. The next time you hear him blathering on about "dumbing down", remember this was personally sanctioned by the sainted JEREMY ISAACS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DEAR RIGHT TO REPLY..."
MISS JONES AND SON
(1977-78)
THAMES
SHHHHH! THERE'S an unmarried mother on the telly! But it's All Right, because it's only dear PAULA WILCOX, and she's mates with dear CHRISTOPHER BEENY, and it's a sitcom so no harm will come.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO LAUGHS EITHER
SPRIGHTLY SPINSTER gets invited to a weekend in the country with second cousin/uncle/vicar's nephew/any number of landed gentry types. Death ensues, usually in the middle of the night in a thunderstorm in the library with the lead piping. Local coppers (who are all stupid) haven't a clue. Old woman keeps own counsel and pesters her hosts for another barm cake. A few days pass. Someone else cops it. Old woman seen walking around village green/posh garden/reading newspaper and looking gnomic. Everyone gathers to find out the ending. Old woman discloses suspect's name while sipping lime cordial. Local coppers strike heads in bemusement. Evil-doer led away. "Where you're going, you'll have no need for garden shears/sawn-off shotguns/tarot cards," cackles local stupid inspector person. Old woman returns home to rest before being invited to nearby grand niece/sister-in-law/bellringer/tropical explorer tea party in the next episode. Tootling theme and line-drawings bring the curtain down.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JOAN HICKSON SPORTED THE PINCE-NEZ AND PIXIE HAT
MISSION : IMPOSSIBLE
(1970-75)
PARAMOUNT
THIS BILLING, should you choose to accept it, contains gags only marginally less predictable than the entire sum of this well-worn, endlessly re-spun kitschathon, and accordingly will self-destruct in the time it takes to list the principal protagonists who seemed perpetually adept at persuading East European government security guards that they really were just a bunch of contract cleaners in overalls: PETER "AIRPLANE" GRAVES, MARTIN "SPACE 1999" LANDAU, BARBARA "SPACE 1999 AS WELL" BAIN, GREG MORRIS, STEVEN HILL, BOB "VOICE ON TAPE" JOHNSON and LEONARD "CENSORS INDICATE" NIMOY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STILL, THOSE SQUIRRELS ARE CLEVER, AREN'T THEY?
M |
Click to find your programme: |
|