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FEEBLE HACKERY for JOHN THAW as eponymous investigative journo, filmed immediately after end of THE SWEENEY but stuck on shelf for years thanks to John Birt's penny-pinching.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THAW DISOWNED PROJECT EVEN BEFORE IT WAS SHOWN
IT WOULD take Macca strolling along Stevie Wonder's "pia-nor key-board" to finally demonstrate how black and white can live together in peace and harmony, but until then the likes of London Weekend battled on with MIND YOUR LANGUAGE and this: a multi-racial melting pot, if you will, wherein CHRISTOPHER BLAKE and MURIEL ODUNTON moved in with each other to collective muttering and tuttering from entire rest of the studio-bound universe. There being need for a disapproving elderly relative, JOAN SANDERSON was also involved.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NON-CANONICAL TITLE THEME WRITTEN BY DR WHO PETER DAVIDSON
MODEL WORLD
(1970s AND PROUD OF IT)
BBC
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POOR MAN'S PATRICK MOORE and mutton-chopped self-styled potting shed eccentric ROBERT SYMES, later of TOMORROW'S WORLD and the catchphrase "It's clever, isn't it?", fronted this showcase for model railway bores and radio-controlled plane boffins. On-going project to construct the BBC Flyer was one of the few memorable aspects, along with lots and lots of balsa wood. Very poor Vic-20 standard 3-D mapping style opening titles.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."USE WHATEVER YOU HAVE LYING AROUND AT HOME"
LAMENTABLE LOONCOM starring the eternally underwhelming ENN REITEL (see THE OPTIMIST, if you dare) as a crim on the run hiding out in - of course! - a mental home where he pretends to be mad. "Colourful" "comedy" "fruitcakes" are his friends. Accusations of tastelessness minor in comparison to accusations of shiteness.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CREATED BY MR "COLOURFUL" "COMEDY" HIMSELF, PETER TINNISWOOD
STRIKINGLY BAFFLING East European export about a cartoon gibberish-spouting mole and his woodland friends, underthreat from city developers.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WEOLLAWOEALAWOEWLAWOOLAWO!"
THE MOLLY WOPSIES
(1974-76)
THAMES
ANOTHER EUSTON Road kidcom try-out which ended up going to the distance. Titular tongue-twister graced a local gang of 1940s ne'er-do-wells boasting the likes of BEN FORSTER and PHIL DANIELS who were forever "getting one over" on stupid neighbourhood PC Berry (AUBREY MORRIS).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ARTHUR ASKEY'S PIPES SUPPLIED "RUN, RABBIT, RUN" THEME
MONDAY'S NEWCOMERS
(1958-76)
ITV
NOT A programme as such, not even something meant to be watched by the likes of a skiving/off sick/study period/can't-be-arsed you and me. All the same, every Monday at 9am a half-hour round-up of all that week's new commercials went out, supposedly for the benefit of the advertising industry (though it was a damn sight too late for them to complain about anything) but chiefly for the entertainment of baffled schoolkids. Never credited in the TV Times, which added loads to its curiosity appeal. Handily split into new 60 second, 45 second, 30 second and 15 second ads, for the likes of Fray Bentos pies, Capstan fags, Nimble and Slimcea.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NEXT, AN IBA TRANSMITTER BULLETIN"
MONEY-GO-ROUND
(1977-81)
THAMES
A POST-MAGPIE TONY BASTABLE hitched up with JOAN SHENTON to front this "prices"-obsessed, stagflation-busting daytime personal financathon, which had a habit of returning - like that lunch of egg soldiers you ate half an hour ago - when you least expected or wanted it. Usually just after CROWN COURT.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...COMMERCIAL BREAK HAD HIGHEST PREPONDERANCE OF BUILDING SOCIETY ADS EVER: "GET THE ABBEY HABIT!", "GET A LITTLE EX-TRA HELP, FROM THE HALIFAX", "IT PAYS TO DECIDE NATIONWIDE", "WE'RE WITH THE WOOLWICH!"
PETER, DAVY, PETER, MICKY, PETER, MIKE, DAVY and PETER may have garnered the funniest looks, but their archetypal mid-sixties "zany" chicanery courtesy of multi-purpose, multi-share, multi-floored (replete with nifty spiral staircase) pad was infinitely watchable, not least beacuse a) they were just trying to be friendly b) another ace song would always be along in a few minutes and c) they were the young generation, and they had something to say.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RIDING BICYCLES INTO SEA NOT ADVISED
"IN THE days before Monkey, primal chaos reigned..." You said it. Dependably demented translation of Japanese Buddha action mullarkey, with Monkey (born in an egg on a mountain top), Sandy, Pigsy and Tripitaka arsing about, offending the Gods, etc. etc. Steamroller schoolboy cult due to then-novelty kung-fu scenes, bonkers narrative, that theme song, and magic-summoning blowing-on-fingers routine.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WITH OUR THOUGHTS WE MAKE THE WORLD..." "HA! HOOF! YAAAH! PIGSYYYYYY!!"
THE MONOCLED MUTINEER
(1986)
BBC
DAILY MAIL-BOTHERING armchair general-alarming Beeb-bashing yarn "based on true events" but spun into a rabblesome fantasy by ALAN BLEASDALE, much to the horror of apparently every soldier who ever served in the army ever, and to the discomfort of Michael Grade and Bill Cotton who'd spent ages saying it was fact when it wasn't and consequently had to go on OPEN AIR every week to apologise to PATTY COLDWELL. PAUL MCGANN was Percy Toplis, archetypal reluctant tommy who decides to stir up a bit of World War One mutiny on the eve of the most important battle in the history of human conflict since the last one. TIMOTHY WEST, PENELOPE WILTON and CHERIE LUNGHI were in on it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HEADS ROLLED. AND NOT JUST PERCY'S.
THE MONTREUX ROCK FESTIVAL
(1984-87)
BBC1
IF WOODSTOCK was a defining moment of the 60s, Montreux had a similar impact on the 80s, but for entirely different reasons. Every April for a few years, NOEL EDMONDS, MIKE SMITH, GARY DAVIES et al would ship out to Switzerland to report and present on this pan-continental synthfest from the town that frequently awarded "Best Programme Ever" awards to the Hale and Pace Christmas Special, backed by BBC and its European counterparts, who all got a namecheck, Jeux Sans Frontiere-style, in zooming-over the sea towards Switzerland titles. Chart-throbbing line-up featured usual suspects: DURAN DURAN, CULTURE CLUB, SPANDAU BALLET, A-HA, GO WEST, even one-hit HOLLYWOOD BEYOND got a look in, as did some hapless German freakshow - usually OPUS "Live Is Life, Na-na-na-na-na" or THE ART COMPANY "Susanna" - because they had to. Following roll call of items appeared in seemingly reckless abundance: Roland keyboards, those hexagonal syn-drum things (see ROCK SCHOOL), those over-the-shoulder guitar-keyboard things, rolled-up jacket sleeves, three female backing singers (black one in the middle) and PETER POWELL interviewing ANDREW RIDGELEY by the harbour. And just when you'd managed to forget the horror, they'd repeat it all at Christmas.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AT LEAST IT GOT THEM ALL OUT OF THE COUNTRY
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS
(1969-74)
BBC
LOAD-BEARING LEVIATHAN of British comedy, once upon a time scaring Beeb executives with sketches about matricide and masturbation, nowadays a bunch of craggy sixtysomethings happy counting the pennies from yet another merchandising spin-off or tuneless repackaging of the glory years. But hey, they're old and who's to blame them? Having entertained "millions" by getting slapped about the face with fish and tumbling into canals, wrestling in muddy fields dressed as washerwomen, chasing coffins over Yorkshire moors, smashing bricks on their handkerchiefed heads, spontaneously combusting, being surrounded by film, being eaten by giant hedgehogs, being argued with, being erroneously promised the transaction of a portion of cheese, having large weights dropped on them, experiencing deja vu on milk floats, being cut out and moved around on screen like in a giant comic, and being assailed with cries of "Lemon curry?!" by BBC newsreaders, our men deserve something of a rest.
Your relationship with the collected efforts of Cleese, Chapman, Jones, Palin, Gilliam and Idle will pass/have passed through a number of stages:
1) Pre-teen (discovering the occasional sketch on a clip show/WINDMILL/ASK ASPEL)
2) 6th form (poring over the scripts, reciting random pieces of dialogue with one another for no reason, performing sketches in the common room)
3) Twentysomething (knocking the boys for pretending to be radical when they were actually a bunch of public school toffs)
4) Thirtysomething (falling in love with them again and buying up all the tie-in books, CDs, novelty crap and side projects off eBay)
5) Middle age (going to see Spamalot and laughing at the funny costumes)
6) Old age (reflecting wistfully on the days when you were experiencing stages 1) to 5))
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BUT IT'S MY ONLY LINE!"
BERGMAN-ESQUE SCANDINAVIAN doommongery...for kids! Except done on a shoestring, filmed by a perpetually dirty camera and involving cut-out fuzzy felt rural mouthless hippos (Moominmomma, Moominpoppa, Moomintroll etc.) together with some mice, goblins (nut-headed Little My), ghosts (the looming Hattifattners) and other curios. Not in anyway fast-paced fun. Protagonists were either having medieval autumn feasts or writing their memoirs.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FINNS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE
MEANDERING MOPERY serving up your usual BBC 70s kids drama courses of period costumers, suggestions of ghosts, evil relations, mystical artefacts and posh girls in giant white dresses. The latter, in this instance, being occupied by Dr Who's SARAH SUTTON. Who was blind. Titular mare was the Uffington white horse, which in turn had something to do with toad entrails, which in turn had something to do with Concorde, which in turn had something to do with getting all the storylines wrapped up in six episodes.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FOAL PLAY
SO-SO SAGA of permanently ailing, low budget third moon settlement with a pan-European crew (including RALPH "DEAR JOHN" BATES as a French second in command). TERRANCE "WHO" DICKS was your main penman, with no less a personage than JAMES BURKE as "script consultant". Bug-eyed monsters were out; sociological grapplings with class, honour and who'd do the dishes were in.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO TO BE SPOTTED - MICHAEL "DAVROS" WISHER, JOHN "MALLENS" HALLAM, EDWARD "MR. MEAKER" BRAYSHAW...OH, AND ED "STEWPOT" STEWART
AGAIN WITH the let's-give-the-kids-something-to-scare-them-shitless. Only this wasn't that bad, thanks to it being done in the late 80s when children without posh voices were no longer banned, the special effects were OK, and the devil himself made an appearance. Albeit obliquely. Well, his name was mentioned a bit. Another HELEN CRESSWELL effort, the Beeb did the whole thing on videotape in the grounds of Belton House in Lincolnshire, wherein SIRI NEAL, TONY SANDS, HELENA AVELLANO and JACQUELINE PEARCE hopped between the now and the then while spirit children, statues, ghosts, evil relatives and all the usual paraphenalia turned up for the ride.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DEVIL'S CHILD! DEVIL'S CHILD!"
DOWN-ON-LUCK MODEL (CYBILL SHEPHERD) "discovers" she owns a detective agency run by bigmouth BRUCE WILLIS and decides to join in the sleuthing. "And how!" Hmm. First episodes of this enduring BBC2 import were fantastic, not overplaying the self-indulgent "are they doing it in real life too?" angle and chucking in some decent scripts for good measure. Later things went awry, not helped by troubles on and off camera, with episodes not being finished, making no sense, forgetting to have an ending or just resorting to - yikes - singing. The arrival of Agnes Dipesto and Bert Viola, twatty 'assistant' sub-couple, spelt trouble, as did episodes like the one where a kid has to study The Taming of the Shrew instead of watch Moonlighting, but falls asleep and dreams all the cast acting out a version of the play. Still, the LOVEJOY-esque talking to camera bits were always ace.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FOUR TOPS ROUTINE, ARGUING SIMULTANEOUSLY IN OFFICE ROUTINE, SPONTANEOUS SONG-AND-DANCE ROUTINE...
MOP AND SMIFF/MIKE, MOP AND THE MOKE
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
GUITAR-WIELDING WUNDERKIND MIKE AMATT helmed this romp about his titular pet dog Mop and cat Smiff, who proceeded to turn into animation for dull adventures bookended by live action with a musical bent. Fantastic brass band oom-pah signature tune would always promise riches, only to leave you sorely disappointed when the camera came up on Mike et al visiting yet another canal boat or gypsy caravan. Title song also perpetuated preposterous bit of rhyming with lyrics "Mop and Smiff/there's no buts no ifs". ...MOKE took the dog out in a Mini Moke for a dreary GO WITH NOAKES-style meet-the-kids-of-Britain tour. With a musical bent.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TO THE LATTER PROMISED "MEETING LOTS OF FOLKS/LOTS AND LOTS OFJOKES". ONE OUT OF TWO, AT ANY RATE
THE MORECAMBE & WISE SHOW
(1961-83)
ATV, BBC, THAMES
FORGET RUNNING WILD, their hopeless first foray into television during the 50s. From 1961 when they barrelled onto ATV, Eric 'n' Ernie's small screen shows were incomparable. Masterstroke was acquisition of Scouse gag-master EDDIE BRABEN and producer JOHN AMMONDS for the BBC series after 1968. Out went KENNY BALL'S JAZZMEN and MILLICENT MARTIN and in came a dazzling array of guest stars, the brown paper bag and invisible stone schtick, the shared double bed, big musical numbers, and that Groucho Marx inspired dance. Reflecting a music hall inheritance, each programme would open with the pair appearing from behind mock theatre front-cloths. Some ribbing of Ernie would follow ("get out of that", "short fat hairy legs", "you can't see the join") and a guest star, usually asking for payment. Then some pastiches, like "Singin' In The Rain" with Eric getting soaked while Ernie "does" Gene Kelly. SHIRLEY BASSEY wearing hob-nailed boots, or ANGELA RIPPON high-kicking to "Let's Face The Music And Dance". A bit more variety nonsense padded out the rest of the show before the final act, usually a play "wot Ernie wrote", disrupted heavily by Eric's asides to camera. In later years, with Morecambe's health fading, Ernie would duet their signature tune, "Bring Me Sunshine", with DES O'CONNOR or similar whilst Eric wandered around nonplussed in the background. Move back to ITV in 1978, leaving Braben behind, was the cue for a slow decline into creaky retreads, laboured gags and too many white studio backgrounds. Eric died in '84; Ern went on to write gardening columns for the News of the World.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
... ALSO STARRING: ANDRE "ANDREW PREVIEW" PREVIN, PETER CUSHING, GLENDA JACKSON, DIANA RIGG, MICHAEL ASPEL, RICHARD WHITMORE, BARRY NORMAN, EDDIE WARING, RICHARD BAKER, KENNETH KENDALL, FRANK BOUGH, YEHUDI MENUHIN, FRANCIS MATTHEWS, PENELOPE KEITH, HANNAH GORDON AND, ERM, KENNY BALL
OVER-LIT, OVER-LOUD and over-egged spin-off from one of many jump-the-shark instances on HAPPY DAYS wherein Richie dreamed he was abducted by an alien from another planet in the shape of ROBIN WILLIAMS. Series itself was similarly scrappy, doused in eardrum-splitting audience whooping and sickly Americana. Williams fell for PAM DAWBER. They got married. He hatched an egg. Nannoo, "calling Orson", crappy fat-bloke-as-son subsidiary character and the inevitable "I've learned something about humans today, Min" sentiment all followed. Still, every kid in the world briefly sat upside down in cars at some point or other...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MORKISH
MERCIFULLY SHORT-LIVED spin-off from Comedy Playhouse-derived BBC2 "Comic Asides" strand (parent of KYTV). "Written-by-and-starring" ROBIN DRISCOLL, TONY HAASE, PETE MCCARTHY and REBECCA STEVENS, who staffed incompetent Middleford Police Station. Now absent from CVs of all of the above. Curiously.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BEN ELTON SHOULD'VE BEEN WATCHING. THEN AGAIN, PERHAPS HE WAS
ONCE MORE unto the whimsy for BERNARD CRIBBINS as the voice behind this late-period plasticine series from the HERBS/WOMBLES/PADDINGTON stable, based around one of the "lesser-known" dinosaur species. Baseball-capped Moschops was a bit of a "clever chops", prone to Bagpussian brainwaves ("Moschops thought and thought, until he got that dizzy feeling that meant a special thought was coming to him") and inventing all manner of anachronistic devices. As for the rest of the cast: best mate Ally Allosaurus was forever dodging "fierceness lessons" from intimidating Uncle Tyrannosaurus Rex; waterbound Welsh fount of dubious wisdom Mr. Icthyosaurus sang the praises of Flower, the first ever flower (which twirled about making strange jingles and flutey noises of what mystical significance we can only guess); while fussy, apron-wearing Mrs. Kerry ("footprints all over my nice clan sand!") and Alzheimer's-afflicted Grandpa Diplodocus completed the weird inter-species brood. All utilised a strange shivering motion in the opening credits. Less knockabout and more downbeat than the Wimbledon wisecrackers.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."FLOWER, FLOWER, RIVER RAIN SHOWER!" WORRYINGLY, THERE WAS A LOT OF THAT SORT OF THING.
DIANA RIGG, looking alarmingly like RONNIE CORBETT, obsesses maternally over her offspring Kit (JAMES WILBY) while estranged beau DAVID MCCALLUM pops round for a spot of dry sherry and JAMES GROUT and ISLA BLAIR tut over the asparagus tips.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRITTEN BY ANDREW "MUCH BONKING IN THE MARSH" DAVIES
SIMON O'BRIEN and FIONA LEE FRANCIS hang around in light-coloured jeans and sweat shirts a la the GRANGE HILL common room urging viewers to "have a go at things rather than watching them". Laudable sentiments offset by revelation that "things" comprise the likes of bowls, with the seven-part series culminating in the staging of the one and only Junior Northern Counties Target Bowls Championship.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WOW! I NEVER KNEW IT COULD BE SO EASY!" YUP - IT'S CALLED THE 'OFF' SWITCH
FIRST OF many tepid try-outs for PENELOPE KEITH as the face of Thames comedy, not helped by the absence of an audience, which did nothing for the absence of jokes. Penny is, as usual, a stressed-out female executive, here caught in that suburban nightmare of moving house. Much referencing of "des res", Valium and British Rail sandwiches. Our heroine went on to essay similar roles - i.e. herself - in EXECUTIVE STRESS, NO JOB FOR A LADY and LAW AND ORDER.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OTHER MIDDLE CLASS MITHERERS INCLUDED RONALD PICKUP, PRUNELLA GEE AND ROGER LLOYD-PACK
NUPTIAL-ENDORSING NONSENSE which, were it still running today, David Cameron would've co-opted as party policy within seconds (SATIRE). DEREK BATEY was your rheumy host, trying to ensure his betrothed contestants remained "nice to each other" - as the theme tune trilled - via a stream of thunderously thick-eared questions such as "when does your wife prefer to clean the valance" or "what is your husband's favourite root vegetable". While the one fielded these terrifying teasers, t'other went into "the booth" and "donned the headphones". Prizes limited to wad of money, forever fanned out tantalisingly by Derek. After long-overdue axe, the show went out on the road supposedly reeling in "thousands" to enjoy the show's charm offensive, i.e. the contestants were charming, the host was offensive.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ROTTEN JULIAN CLARY REVIVAL INEVITABLY INVOLVED NON-MARRIED AND NON-HETEROSEXUAL DUALITES, TO NO MERIT WHATSOEVER
MR BENN
(1971-72)
BBC
"I'LL KEEP it - just to help me remember..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FESTIVE ROAD FINERY
A FAMILY of crooks - with mirth in mind! How could it not have failed? By forgetting to cast PETER JONES, PRUNELLA SCALES and IAN LAVENDER for starters.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TORPOR, SHE WROTE
SUDDEN LATE wind for STANELY BAXTER courtesy of this kid sitcommery which found the titular wizard sent to earth from the planet Walpurgis as punishment for - ho ho - failing his O Level sorcery exam for the 17th time. Washes up in stereotypical quaint English village of Much Barty, whereupon he befriends children and bemuses adults, the like of which include PAT COOMBS, ADELE SILVA and ROBIN DRISCOLL.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SCRIPTED BY THE BLOKE WHO DID SUPERGRAN, UNSURPRISINGLY
MR MEN
(1970s)
BBC
INFINITELY CHARMING personality-monikered procession of geometric freaks with adjective-specific disorders based on car boot sale-staple Roger Hargreaves wafer-thin books. ARTHUR LOWE redefined the perameters of avuncularity by dint of sublime narration: "What a lot of Mr Men there are. I wonder which one we shall be meeting next. Can you guess?" Women's lib and/or need for spin-offs led to later arrival of female equivalents, but of lesser status denoted by "Little Miss" appellation.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HE HADN'T BEEN WALKING FOR TOO LONG, WHEN HE MET A WORM"
MR MERLIN
(1981-82)
LARRY LARRY (YOU HEARD...)
DOTTY OVER-THE-HILL eponymous medieval meddler BARNARD HUGHES helps/hinders dopey teen CLARK BRANDON in meddlesome sitcommery ways. "Working in a garage isn't exactly Camelot; now they tell me I need an apprentice!" That was the "sit", right there. Mr Merlin accessed own magic room by tapping on the wall of his house, which would open up a doorway and staircase leading upwards to his laboratory. There was an owl, and the lovely Alexandra, a blonde spirit. But still no sign of the "com".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PIFF, PAFF, PISH
FANTASTICAL NOODLINGS amongst the good folk of the Isle Of Sark, pleasantly going about their business, until titular lollygagger (DEREK JACOBI) breezes in, enlisting landlady JUDY PARFITT, a few local whores, plus BETTY MARSDEN in quest to spread a sorbet of good vibes. Only he grows wings when he does good, horns when he's bad.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CRUSTY
NOT, FORTUITOUSLY, the animated escapades of a rock'n'roll three-chord-trading troubadour, but instead the line-drawn antics of a huge-nosed, tiny-hatted, both-eyes-on-the-same-side-of-the-head Italian, travelling through time aided by next door's dog Harold and a "magic whistle" given to him by Fata, a godmother-figure representing Fairy Security, and her flying broom, Track.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."ALL THE TRAY OF ICE CREAM CONES, A COCO CASTLE FOR A HOME"
ORANG-UTAN ESCAPES from zoo, accidentally drinks "make me smart" serum and runs for Senate.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...COME 2000, HE BECOMES PRESIDENT! (COPYRIGHT MARK STEEL)
MR SMITH'S VEGETABLE GARDEN
(1977-79)
BBC
BLUFF COVE and Professional Yorkshireman GEOFFREY SMITH is your Geoff Boycott of the allotment, having trained his vegetables to grow at lightning speed via time-lapse seasonal montage to the strains of good-old brass band tunes.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."'AVE A WORD! THAT'S NO WAY TO GROW A PARSNIP!"
WAS THERE no seminal US TV lovable rogue safe from cartoon enshrinement? Yes, because they always went for the crap ones, i.e. Fonz and Sergeant Bosco Baracus. Here, titular troublemaker drives around in a van with a bunch of teenage gymnasts inside, plus their dog mascot. Little is proved. Even less tune in.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DITTO THE BRIEFLY PERENNIAL LIVE ACTION SEASONAL SCHAMLTZER "MISTER T'S CHRISTMAS DREAM"
KIDS' MISCELLANY in the slot before NEWS AT ONE. An old man (Trimble) lives in an attic flat with a robot in the corner and a puppet goldfish in a bowl (Glug). He's dressed not unlike Peter Cushing in the DR WHO films: fingerless gloves, horn-rimmed spectacles, dusy old burgundy jacket etc. The theme tune is a raucous affair sounding like it's being played on an analogue monophonic synth constructed in someone's bedroom, a la ROOBARB. The accompanying title sequence is a montage of colourfully animated images (including a butterfly and two kids on a see-saw) featuring the clown-like Trimble on a bike, which blend from one to the other.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO PRESENT: PUPPET RODENT CALLED HORATIO HAMBURGER HAMSTER
MULTI-COLOURED SWAP SHOP
(1976-82)
BBC
SUBLIME HERALD of the weekend, forever jostling with TISWAS for Saturday morning supremacy, and the best thing EDMONDS has ever done. Everyone knows what this was all about, but the real stroke of genius was giving kids the chance to phone up and talk to the stars. Seems obvious, yet it was fantastic, and for some reason nobody does it anymore. Noel's comrades were, of course, KEITH CHEGWIN ("He's packed his bags and gone off with a knowing look - could he be near your place today?!"), MAGGIE PHILBIN and JOHN CRAVEN, along with Posh Paws (Stilgoe-esque anagram of Swap Shop) a purple felt dinosaur with poorly-articulated jaw that did a feeble "roar" whenever some sappy viewer sent him in a homemade waistcoat, and a stuffed toy sheep moved up and down by a crouching Craven. Plus ERIC who operated the TOTP-themed plastic sphere-on-a-string with the competition answers (and got own feeble awards named after him). Edmonds was in full bloom here: shouting, fooling around, obsessing over gadgety stuff, putting callers at ease, chatting amiably with a thousand guests, joking with the crew, and generally making the show a great place to hang out of a morning. Everyone involved seemed to have a great time, and hence you felt the same. Two theme tunes: the first went "SWAP SHOP! Daa-da-da, da-da-da-da, daa-da-dadadadadadadadada-daaaa!" over a squiggly "morphing" animation of the logo; the second, by BA "Kaftan" Robertson, had a sort of steel bandish effect and went "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hellooooo!" a la Smells LIke Teen Spirit. "Offers: Scalectrix (note spelling) 200 track and cars. Wants: Anything to do with Hazel O'Connor."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IF YOU WANT TO COME DOWN AND JOIN US, THE LOCAL BUS ROUTES ARE 19, 32 AND 48"
.JPG)
MULTI-AWARD WINNING gloves-with-eyes and old jokes fest memorable for cast-of-thousands title sequence, Pigs In Space, John Cleese and tedious waltzing pigs telling each other even more old jokes section. Re-heated version The Muppets Tonight was much anticipated, then when it finally came out, no-one noticed. Lew Grade to discontented ATV staff: "You promised me you would never strike on MUPPETS!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GONZO FIDDLES WHILE GEORGE BURNS!"
MURDER IN SPACE
(1985)
CENTRAL
"WATCH CAREFULLY," intoned ANNEKA RICE as she introduced this one-off sci-fi TV movie-cum-intergalactic version of Whodunnit. Inexplicable co-production by Britain, America, Australia and, um, Jordan, there was a prize of 10,000 pounds if you could work out who was the villain. Although you should have been given that just for sitting through the ensuing sub-Battle Beyond The Stars effort "starring" WILFORD BRIMLEY, ARTHUR HILL and MARTIN BALSAM.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEE CAPTAIN ZEP. WHICH DID IT RATHER BETTER.
MURDER, SHE WROTE
(1985-97)
UNIVERSAL
TEA-AND-SLIPPERS SLEUTHERY, best taken over doilies and Darjeeling, if not Lucozade and egg soldiers. Casting aside her leatherbound library of crime, Jessica Beatrice Fletcher would sally forth unto this week's house warming party/family reunion/community tea dance only to discover a horrible killing, a clueless local police force and a dozen bystanders urging her to apply her literary skills to this real life tragedy. Having taken up mystery writing once widowed and found fame across the States for her seemingly endless stream of treacherous novellas, Jessica also had cause to travel around the country on promotional junkets which coincidentally - and fortuitously for the viewer - also delivered her unto the scenes of yet more dastardly crimes. ANGELA LANSBURY got stolen from over here and made a star over there, turning Murder, She Wrote (that comma was all-important) into a veritable pension plan. The opening titles set the tone majestically: Jessica in a montage of scenes from her escapades, set to the sound of a cheerily tinkling piano and oom-pah orchestra. Approximately 325,671,290 guest stars appeared (see below), including the great TOM BOSLEY in the semi-regular role of Sheriff Amos Tupper and the two-part special when Jessica went to Hawaii and pooled resources with Magnum. Later episodes saw our heroine taking it easy, "appearing" at the beginning of each episode to introduce that week's "guest sleuth" then pissing off back to her writing desk. Well, she was almost 90.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, MRS FLETCHER. I'VE READ ALL YOUR BOOKS" WAS THE STOCK IN TRADE CATCHPHRASE UTTERED BY RICHARD "APOLLO" HATCH, DIRK "STARBUCK" BENEDICT, RODDY MCDOWELL, PETER GRAVES, MARTIN LANDAU, BARBARA BAIN, LINDA BLAIR, CESAR ROMERO, JUDY GEESON, RICHARD ROUNDTREE, PATRICK "MRS. PEEL, WE'RE NEEDED" MACNEE, LYNN REDGRAVE, MELODY "FLASH!" ANDERSON, ADAM WEST, JOHN RHYS-DAVIES, LESLIE NIELSEN, ERNEST BORGNINE, LOIS CHILES
MURPHY'S MOB
(1982-85)
CENTRAL
"EVERYWHERE YOU go, everything you see/Someone's saying no - it's a tragedy!" Yobbish roustabout for pre-teatime school nights depicting the fortunes and (many) failings of Dunmore United FC's Junoir Supporter's Club. A familiar mix of football, snogging, mild swearing and crappy violence ensued over four series, presided over by an equally familiar mix of "larger-than-life" characters: Mac Murphy the downtrodden manager, "Rasputin" Jones the president, and your titular Mob including Boxer, copper's son 'Wurzel' Glossop, Charlotte 'Charlie' Masters, The Hulk, Pacman, Mugsy Moran, etc. LYNDA BELLINGHAM and TEGAN OFF DR WHO shouted from the touchlines. Best thing was the Sham 69-stylings of the signature tune, bemoaning the lot of being young and everyone hating you: "Find another place, 'cos you can't play 'ere/Don't want any lip, so there!/Y'know it's gonna be alright if we stick together/We're gonna have a fine, fine time if we stick together/No more mindless empty days..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SUNG BY GARY "AUF WIEDERSEHEN" HOLTON
MURUN BUCHSTANSANGUR
(1982-84)
CHANNEL FOUR
SEMI-ANIMATED WOULD-BE philosophical musings on life of a green round thing living under a sink and his various mates. By virtue of third-person narration and glib style, a kind of downbeat ROOBARB. Early Channel Four scheduled filler, still showing in Canada. Possibly. Jaunty East End boozer piano theme.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IT WAS A SUNDAY, AND MURUN BUCHSTANSANGUR WAS BORED"
THE MUSIC ARCADE
(1982-84)
BBC
SEQUEL TO the entry below, wherein JOHNATHAN COHEN and dear old LUCY SKEAPING persisted in dividing the class in two, furnishing one with things to strike on the down beat (drum, claves, guiro, triangle) and the other with stuff to shake on the up beat (maracas, sleigh bells, tambourine, castanets).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."COME AND SING IN THE MUSIC ARCADE/TAP YOUR FEET IN THE MUSIC ARCADE/RHYTHM WITH A BEAT AND A MELODY PLAYED/MUSIC IS MADE IN THE MUSIC ARCADE..." WAS THERE NOTHING THEY DIDN'T DO DOWN THERE?
SHUT-EM-UP-AT-THE-BACK SCHOOLATHON singalong symphony led by staid man and woman duo, formerly bubble-permed PETER COMBE and long haired trilly KATHARINE HARRIES, followed by various people and always the redoubtable JONATHAN COHEN. Simple, whimsical (quickly turning to annoying by fourth repeat rehearsal) tunes were conveyed by musical staves where the notes lit up one by one at the appropriate time. Kids in the studio were given amusingly menial tasks to do, like playing glockenspiels with just two notes on them. Kids in the school TV room were given not quite enough accompanying music score booklets to share and divided up by teacher into two groups while Cohen and chums played an interlude. Guaranteed to take place on the hottest day of the year in the stuffiest room in school. Still, the ultimate in class bonding, with brainboxes and dickheads alike united in their quest to hit the cowbell on the third beat of the fifth bar.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALTOGETHER, NOW - (FALSETTO VOICE) ONE, TWO...
MY BROTHER'S KEEPER
(1975-76)
GRANADA
ANOTHER ORIGINAL odd couple. Take a policeman who's very sombre and stuffy and repressed, and make him live with...a dropout hippy student! JONATHAN LYNN and GEORGE LAYTON were the ill-matched siblings. And the ill-advised writers.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...POLICEMAN SIDEKICK WAS CALLED SERGEANT BLEWITT. THEY SURE DID.
"OR RATHER, your music" as the late FRANK MUIR would have it. Stately panel game with Muir and JOHN AMIS battling DENIS NORDEN and IAN WALLACE (always struggling on the bagpipes in the titles) to answer musical questions put to them by STEVE RACE. More breezy and cheerful than FACE THE MUSIC, and hence more accessible, thanks no end to Frank and Denis's banterings, shameless questions about pop songs and Ian doing some hammy singing every week.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CHEAPO BEEB WOULD SEND CAMERAS ALONG TO THE RADIO VERSION IN ORDER TO 'MAKE' MORE TV EPISODES
MY WORLD...AND WELCOME TO IT
(1969-70)
NBC
DROWSY DOMESTIC yankcom sitcom adapted from James Thurber cartoons/essays, starring WILLIAM WINDOM (also featured in that Chewits advert - "It's eating everything in its path!") as mild-mannered suburbanite whose fantasies came to life, warping dull reality through sketchy line drawings. Not bad, really. Resident of early Channel 4 schedules when Jeremy Isaacs realised the money had run out.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THANK YOU FOR WATCHING OUR SHOW TONIGHT." THAT'S NICE.
MYSTERIOUS CITIES OF GOLD
(EARLY 1980s)
BRB INTERNATIONAL
YET ANOTHER Spanish speciality served up over here in something like one thousands parts, each as impenetrable and imcomprehensible as the next, but somehow strangely addictive - thanks not least to the enthusiastic patronage of one Philip Schofield, culminating in off-camera nationwide singalongs of the closing theme. Plot seemed to revolve around explorer's son Esteban travelling through various South American jungles "in search...of Eldorado!" and meeting girl Zia, lunatic native boy Tau, parrots, evil mercantiles, mystical statues, bits of necklaces that fitted together and a spaceship ("the golden Condor!") en route. Animation and dubbing up to usual BRB standards (see AROUND THE WORLD WITH WILLY FOGG, DOGTANIAN).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CHILDREN OF THE SUN/SOMEDAY SOON YOU'RE GONNA SEE/THAT YOUR DESTINY/HOLDS THE SECRET, HOLDS THE KEY". AND CUE THE PANPIPES!
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