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2/2
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NAKED VIDEO to THE NEW PEOPLE
THE NEW SCHMOO to NUTS IN MAY
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THE NEW SCHMOO
(1981)
HANNA-BARBERA
GROTESQUE GALUMPHING cartoonery about a sub-SCOOBY DOO gang of kids (with a fat, Hawaiian-shirted git - see PLASTIC MAN - in the comedy Shaggy role) and a white shapeshifting blob who could turn itself into various useful shapes, e.g. key, rope, ink blotter. The "new" appellation was apparently to distinguish said amorphous critter from Al Capp's 'Lil' Abner', long-running American newspaper comic which mocked Arkansas and its ways via a cast of characters including the Schmoo: an animal so cute, so obliging (it would turn itself into a steak if you confessed to being hungry) and downright good that it was rendered extinct by humanity. Not that anyone on this side of the Atlantic was any the wiser, but at least Will and Joe were being particular. Particularly irksome, that is.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IT'S THE NEW SCHMOOOOOOO/THEEEE - INCREDIBLE NEW SCHMOO!" BAWLED THAT OBLIGATORY CLOSE-HARMONY "CHOIR" OF AMERICAN THEME TUNE SINGERS
THE NEW STATESMAN
(1987-92)
YORKSHIRE
RIK "I WAS PAUL SQUIRES!" MAYALL ruled that late-Sunday, pre-Bragg ITV slot in this harsh, tasteless and often fantastic politicom as Alan B'Stard, a Conservative MP who was a crook, an extremist, a liar, a shit, a scumbag, an adulterer and a sadist all rolled into one. MICHAEL "MELLISH" TROUGHTON was his feeble, in-the-womb sidekick/punchbag Piers Fletcher-Dervish, and real life toff MARSHA FITZALAN played the equally vile 'wronged' wife, who spent the money and shagged about rather a lot too. Terrific, brutal Commons lobby and office scenes often resulted in blackmail ("Chief Whip, you've just made a terrible mistake!") or violence ("hand in the drawer, Piers!"), while ripping heads off teddy bears; hanging babies out of eighteenth floor windows; kicking over one-legged Falklands veterans and bringing back hanging in public (featuring DICKIE "JIGSAW" DAVIES as the anchorman of the TV coverage) were all brazenly present and incorrect. Inevitable STEVE NALLON cameos as Maggie when required, with other real Tories (Archer, Parkinson, Tebbit) all getting mentioned in unflattering context. Ace chest-beating patriot's theme courtesy of ALAN "COUNTDOWN" HAWKSHAW, with Mayall surrounded by union flags.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE REAL HALTEMPRICE (B'STARDS CONSTITUENCY) BOASTS A RATHER GOOD SPORTS CENTRE
ANOTHER PROTO-SOAP venture from a still CORONATION STREET-reeling Beeb. Twice-weekly dispatches from pastoral homestead of the Coopers, former urban dwellers now seeking improved air, better neighbours and "anything for the quiet life, y'know" in Suffolk. En route to elsewhere were ALAN "ALAN HOWARD" BROWNING, JENNY "DRUNK IN TIME" AGUTTER, ROBERT "M" BROWN, WENDY "IDA DOWNS" RICHARD, DEBORAH "WHO" WATLING and JUDY "STAR MAIDENS" GEESON.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MARY WHITEHOUSE RATED IT "MORALLY SOUND"...
SUE LAWLEY sits in a 1989 studio "reading" made-up daily news bulletins from 1939 written and recorded in 1989 but produced as if it was 1939 told from a 1989 perspective in 1939 clothes. And 1989 theme music made to sound like 1939. Bundled out to general indifference (what next: nightly news updates from Television Centre on the Black Death?) around the 50th anniversary of the outbreak of World War Two. Then the whole convoluted thing happened again in 1994 with NEWS 44 on the anniversary of D-Day.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SO IF YOU'RE TRAVELLING TO NORMANDY TOMORROW, WRAP UP WARM!"
EARLY COMEDY sketch kaboodle for KENNY EVERETT, JONATHAN "CANDID CAMERA" ROUTH, SANDRA GOUGH and a young, zany GERMAINE "FEMALE EUNUCH" GREER, all making up a semi-improvised PLAY AWAY-esque miscellany of whimsy and fluff. Notable for being Ev's first-time contribution to telly. "I feel venturesome today," said Kenny, "I fancy a quest." "Count me in, Little Scouse", said Germaine airily. "What for?" grunted Jonathan. "For... for... the nicest thing in the world!" "Cheese apples!" whistled Germaine. "Don't worry, Golly," said Kenny, "shove your culottes on and we'll be away." Just then, Sandra the red-head bounced into view on a beach ball. "We're off on a quest", cried Golly. "Then why not go in my nice tram?" said Sandra. So they did."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PRODUCED BY LORD SIR JOHN BIRT
WEIRD, FRANTIC Welsh sitcom set in a small radio station, taped twice - once in Welsh, once in English. Off-air goings-on including a tiger roaming the studio, a police shoot-out and an episode involving a police chase and burnt food. Pitched somewhere between CROSSROADS and THE GOODIES, at times better than both combined.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEE ALSO KIT CURRAN AND RADIO
HEAD-TURNING HORROR-FI drama wherein the locals of a Hebridean island get killed off one by one by a bizarre monster which turns out to be (of course) a Russian soldier who had his brain plugged into a nuclear powered submarine as an experiment, but suffered from radiation burns/sickness (likewise), escaped and was washed up on the island. This made him see everything red (ditto). A parable for our times (*click*).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CELIA "WOOD AND WALTERS" IMRIE WAS AMONG THE FALLEN
SPEAKING OF which...here's yet another "and-the-moral-is" fantasy runaround, set in the usual totalitarian Britain of the near future. Compare and contrast this vision of a facist state run by ROBERT LANG as a sort of über-John Reid with KNIGHTS OF GOD of a decade later. Only instead of GARETH THOMAS as head rebel, you got EDWARD WOODWARD smuggling top scientists in the back of a caravan. Hey! It could happen! Inspired, rather disappointingly, by VAT.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO FEATURING GRAHAM "SUNTRAP" CROWDEN AND SIMON "MR. FAIRBROTHER" CADELL
THE NINETEENTH HOLE
(1989)
REGENT/ITV
NEVER-BEFORE-OR-AGAIN CRAZED combination of ERIC SYKES, JOHNNY SPEIGHT and WILLIAM G. STEWART cooked up this unsubtle scattergun where an otherwise ordinary golf course doubled as the last outpost of the Third Reich. Strict door policy, i.e. blue eyes/blond hair Desirable. Swastika flown from the club roof. Women members banned. And so it went on, with predictable regions-up-in-arms mutterings (Anglia, TSW and others pulled it half way through). Only Central made the distance, but real crime was, as ever, failure to realise sum of notable parts. And to be funny.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GO AWAY, ENJOY THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS AND COME BACK AND SEE US IN THE AUTUMN, WILLIAM
NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY
(1977)
BBC
HOW SHORT can we make this one? ROY KINNEAR does befuddled barber. Modicum of laughs. Not really missed sitcom. There.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND" JOKES IN NO SHORT SUPPLY
THE HANDIWORK of "political prisoner" and professional criminal JONATHAN KING, who was given money by the BBC to create this ramshackle "pop" travelling showcase hosted by a slew of minor presentational faces, of which only JENNY "I've got six O-Levels, you know!" POWELL ever did anything ever again. One, TONY BAKER, could well be right now carving quite a career as a Midlands postman. One series boasted a competition to "win" the chance to...present the next series! Such was the sum of its parts. Which also included drum majorettes marching up and down on a flimsy pontoon on a pond near Swindon to The Jets' 'Crush On You'.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INEVITABLE CANONISATION AS PART OF PETER KAY'S ACT DULY FOLLOWED
NO PLACE LIKE HOME
(1983-87)
BBC
BELOW-PAR BONHOMIE that looked and felt like it should have been on the light channel. A bored-looking WILLIAM GAUNT traipsed around a two-up two-down with a hilariously large and wacky extended family in tow causing untold havoc. MARTIN CLUNES was one of them. Used to pop into the greenhouse with neighbour (ginger Dave Allen sidekick bloke, MICHAEL SHARVELL-MARTIN) for a crafty sherry. Titles were an embroidery hung on the wall, which fell off to comedy piano and big laughs. Every fucking time.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PEOPLE ARE ONLY CALLED CRABTREE IN SITCOMS: FACT
FROM OUT OF JEREMY ISAACS' much-in-evidence arch lever file marked "minorities" sprung this fondly remembered C4 ensemble fixture. Cast of Willesden Green-dwelling home-alone kids, assembled and bankrolled by Lord Humphrey "Channel 4 Comedy? I'll Take It" Barclay, comprised Angel (JANET KAY); younger brother and aspiring DJ Toshiba (CHRIS TUMMINGS); Bellamy (VICTOR ROMERO EVANS) who lived in a tent with various pets including pet snake Satan; wannabe model Terri (SHOPE SHODEINDE) plus boyfriend Basil East aka The Beast (MALCOLM FREDERICK); and evangelical cousin Melba (ANGELA WYNTER). Caught flak from numerous quarters for not being right-on enough and instead being, ah, rather funny.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ASWAD "DROPPED BY" IN FINAL EPISODE
NO, THAT'S ME OVER HERE!
(1967-70)
LWT
ACE-TITLED SURBUBACOM with RONNIE CORBETT (playing a character called Ronnie) married to ROSEMARY LEACH struggling to get one over on smug arse neighbour HENRY MCGEE and assert authority in the office despite being knee-high to a grasshopper's knees. Predictable run-ins with the boss, the boss's secretary, the boss's secretary's stapler, a missing stapler, a missing boss, missing the train, missing his boss's train and so on. Penned by unlikely trio GRAHAM CHAPMAN, ERIC IDLE and BARRY CRYER; called into existence by DAVID PARADINE FROST. Obligatory spin-off had obligatory spin-off title: NOW LOOK HERE...!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...A FAR FROM PACKED PROGRAMME
NOAH AND NELLY
(MID 1970s)
BOB GODFREY FILMS
LESSER-KNOWN FARE from the dependable ROOBARB stable, which is a shame, as this second Grange Calverly-written series kept most of Roob's existential confusion. Nutty Noah and Niggly Nelly travelled the world and beyond in two-headed all terrain vehicle The Skylark, along with an assortment of two-headed animals - Humphrey the pig, Achmed the camel, etc. Each had one head permanently cheerful, one depressed, and used to argue with themselves in a schizophrenic manner. At the opening of each sub-five minute tale the occupants of the Skylark would be either bored or deafened by noise, upon which an animal would pick a destination to go to on a completely blank map. So it's "All aboard the Skylark!", and off they go, encountering a load of anthropomorphic weirdos (door knockers with headaches, toby jugs without handles etc.) Whereupon Nelly would knit some contraption to solve the problem, and off they went. Animation was of the more conventional cell variety (Roobarb's famous 'boiling' technique being unnecessary now they had some money), but the rest, down to more RICHARD BRIERS voices than you could shake a knitting needle at, was still top notch.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NEXT! TOBY JUG!
DECENT ENOUGH entry in doors-at-45-degree-angles nuclear paranoia canon, but for kids. Somewhere in the not too distant future food has dried up and rationing re-introduced. One lucky family hoards provisions in cellar, blasting pissed-off neighbours with firearms. One not so lucky family is billeted with MIKE REID. Fall-out (ha ha) considerable.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TITLE THEME RELEASED AS FLOP SINGLE
NOBODY'S HOUSE
(1976)
TYNE TEES
"NOBODY" WAS the eponymous spook in this, ITV's proto-RENTAGHOST palaver. Contemporary family move into "Cornerstones", a house that sits on the site of a Victorian workhouse, and rouse the spirit of an orphan ragamuffin who died there. Only the kids, Gillian and Tom, get to see him, of course. Much amusement deriving from scripted misunderstandings, no doubt ("Nobody's there", "Nobody's hungry", "Nobody's watching ITV", etc.) and strange behaviour of inanimate Chromakey-powered objects when troublemaking ghosts drop by. Ended with the exorcism of one such sinister spectre, Silver Ned. Mainly remembered for the way in which Nobody (KEVIN MORETON) appeared or disappeared, pulling on his ragged necktie. Which is totally different from holding your nose and jumping, isn't it?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEY NEVER MAKE 'EM WITH SHIT-SCARY GHOSTS, STRANGELY
NOBODY'S PERFECT
(1980-82)
LWT
SUNDAY NIGHT sitcomage both featuring and penned by Yank grande dame ELAINE STRITCH (adapting original scripts from American series, MAUDE) and RICHARD GRIFFITHS. Condemned Stritch to role as middle-back panellist on BLANKETY BLANK, whereas Griffiths went on to play fat, gay uncles. Where's the justice in that, eh?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STRICH'S CHARACTER WAS CALLED BILL. EH?
NOGGIN THE NOG
(1959-65)
SMALLFILMS
NORDIC SAGA with cutouts and painted backcloths in the style of IVOR THE ENGINE. Titular Nog charged with sailing to the Land of the Midnight Sun to rescue Nooka, Eskimo Princess of the Nooks, who he fancied. Fancied to be his queen, that is. Along for the journey was his guide: a massive green talking bird called Graculus. Supplying unwanted diversions and hence much needed plotlines were Prince Knut, an Ice Dragon, Nogbad the Bad, Olaf the Lofty and Thor Nogson. Not sure what he did. Ponderous and terribly terribly slow, more seminal for what came after, and which was hinted at in the storybooks which accompanied the TV version: "the moonmouse".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND SO, NOGGIN THE NOG SET SAIL, DESTINED TO SPEND 1000 DAYS AT SEA. DAY ONE..."
NORTHSTAR
(LATE 1970s)
ARISE, SIR GLEN OF LARSON
FAR-FETCHED, FURTHER-FLUNG one-off snubbed by evil bastard US networks. Jobbing astronaut lands place on unassuming Moon mission, forgets primary school don't-look-at-sun classroom exercise, loses sight, and returns to Earth brimming with mystical powers. Shoved straight into top-grade US loony institute, but escapes by jumping into nearby helicopter, speed-reading the manual in two seconds and flying off. Trouble was, prolonged exposure to UV rays - of more than, say, three seconds - resulted in spectacular head-throbbing activity pending full cranium explosion.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BACK TO THE VOLUMINOUS DRAWING BOARD, CRIED GLEN
NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN
(1967-70)
BBC
HERE'S A thing. Chaotic middle England provincial family has to depend upon solitary bedrock for survival. Could it be the ditzy housewife? Could it be, whisper it, WENDY CRAIG? Here's where it all began (AND MOTHER MAKES..., BUTTERFLIES, LAURA... etc. bloody etc.). PAUL "GBH" DANEMAN and ROBERTA "DR WHO FILM SUSAN" TOVEY grimaced at the bolognaise.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BITTERSWEET BOLLOCKS
NOT ON YOUR NELLIE
(1974-75)
LWT
SHE'S BACK! Execrable sitcommage with HYLDA BAKER as three foot high teetotaller running shit-stained London hostelry The Brown Cow in a shameless redeployment of irritating music hall glass-shrieking Nellie Pledge (NEAREST AND DEAREST - see above), now as Nellie Pickersgill. A lone Northern ambassador in an alien world, Hylda relies on JACK DOUGLAS, WENDY RICHARD and other second division Carry On-ners to tread ginger path through a Fulham peopled by wrist-sagging homosexual fashion designers and Asian London Underground employees.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IT WAS THEN THAT HYLDA REALISED HER TRUE VOCATION LAY IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY
NOT ONLY...BUT ALSO
(1965-70)
BBC
OVER-EGGED OVER-WROUGHT "classic", most of which was junked by a cash-strapped Beeb and which was hence able to be lionized by people who never saw it as the greatest thing ever. Between boring piano interludes from DUDLEY MOORE and babyish incantantional poetry from PETER COOK came filmed sketches that went on too long, guests being asked to recite tongue-twisters before being dropped in some gunge (25 years before Noel's House Party) and Peter pretending to be yet another stupid posh person. When the pair relaxed and let rip the gems came: the semi-improvised, much-corpsed two-handed dialogues between yer cloth-capped men of ver world Pete'n'Dud, or the more conventional office-based/wordplay-heavy skits. Meanwhile expensive title sequences had the duo sitting side by side at a piano in a stupid location, like being tipped over the edge of ship into the Thames. Then at the end Dudley sang like a girl and Peter did the posh voice yet again as they ordered all and sundry to yield a sigh. *Sigh*.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...YIELD IT! YIELD IT!
NOT SO MUCH A PROGRAMME, MORE A WAY OF LIFE
(1964-65)
BBC
FROST'S SECOND coming after the Beeb axed TW3. It was intended to be a more matter-of-fact, less hysterical concoction than its illustrious predecessor, but Dave's insistence on it going out on Friday, Saturday AND Sunday nights wasn't the most subtle of tactics, and while it might have helped Frost's profile it didn't help the phalanx of writers come up with 135 minutes of material every week. Sure enough the entire thing died after just five months, but not before there was lots of well-dressed fun to be had thanks to JOHN BIRD, ELEANOR BRON, MICHAEL CRAWFORD, JOHN FORTUNE, ROY HUDD, BERNARD LEVIN, CLEO LAINE, WILLIE RUSHTON and BRIAN MURPHY peppering the impressions of politicians, shouty interviews, topical songs, character sketches, extended interviews, satirical spoofs and whiny monologues.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND FOR US, IT MOST ASSUREDLY IS"
NOT THE NINE O'CLOCK NEWS
(1979-82)
BBC
STEAMROLLER OF a sketch'n'satire brew which drove a 1980s-sized coach and horses through the conventions and clientele of small screen comedy. It did it pretty inexpertly at times, and with not a few casualties (CHRIS LANGHAM for starters) but the sketches still stand up today even if the Thatcher-baiting, British Leyland-name dropping, National Front-lampooning, trade union-bashing is hopelessly dated. ROWAN "CANNED LAUGHTER" ATKINSON, MEL "COLIN'S SANDWICH" SMITH, GRIFF RHYS-JONES and PAMELA STEPHENSON were your main concerns, armed with a legion of material penned by a whole undergraduate collegiate of new-to-TV writers, from DOUGLAS ADAMS to CLIVE ANDERSON. Pissed off virtually everyone in the country by the end, which was kind of the point. Even POINTS OF VIEW went mental at "Only good Pole is a deed poll". Aircrash canniballism, "We like trucking", Proud To Be Stout, Life Of Christ, Gerald the gorilla - here was the best British satire since, well, the entry before this one.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IT'S A FLANGE OF BABOONS, FOR GOD'S SAKE..."
POST-APOCALYPTIC SITCOM with JOSIE LAWRENCE based around the premise that JUDITH HANN drops a flask of green virus on the TOMORROW'S WORLD TV studio floor, thus annihilating the human race. Several poor comic actors survive (MIKE GRADY, STEPHEN REA, RONALD PICKUP). Jokes do not.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SHOWN IN THE SUNDAY 10PM SPITTING IMAGE SLOT
NOW GET OUT OF THAT!
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
"MEANWHILE, THE Americans seem to be having a slight problem with the Land Rover..." Who can forget the less-than-dulcet tones of narrator BERNARD FALK, wryly sneering at a team of two male, two female sales reps struggling desperately to pull a large metal cannister out of a Welsh swamp using a jeep-mounted winch and a complex but crap system of improvised pulleys? Long before such activities became de rigeur for every corporate marketing department and Conservative opposition party, this series chronicling two teams (US v. UK, though originally it was and Oxford/Cambridge studathon) of bickering thirtysomethings on a weekend ordeal ranging across some godforsaken piece of remote British countryside was essential viewing on an early weekday evening. The overall objective of the whole thing (usually something to do with breaking into a mythical embassy and rescuing documents/ambassadors/microfilms etc.) was irrelevant; rather, the much-hyped by Falk sexual tension between the teammates (domineering/incompetent men, bolshy/frail women) was all. Both teams took the same route, and did the same challenges, on entirely diferent weekends, but Falk's links (from his "office" in the comfy BBC) between the two ("meanwhile", etc.) invited us to believe the action was all simultaneous. The swine!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RURAL KNOCKOUT
NUMBER 73
(1983-88)
TVS
RUEFULLY RECALLED by many a kid as the first long-term replacement (see just about anything beginning with the word "Saturday" and FUN FACTORY for the short term) for TISWAS. Considering what had gone before, it's amazing that No. 73 lasted as long as it did, although being up against SATURDAY SUPERSTORE probably helped. The themed setting was a terraced house in Maidstone, Kent (ME15 6RS, or "Me fifteen, six arse") where landlady Ethel (SANDI TOKSVIG) presided over a wacky extended family which included blonde no-mark HARRY, irritating still-at-it artist NEIL BUCHANAN (who was so crap he even failed an interview for an art foundation course, possibly the easiest game in the world), and rollerskating cockney redhead Dawn (ANDREA ARNOLD). Later additions included KIM "WATCH" GOODY. Mullets and ra-ra-skirts prevailed. The usual mixture of bands (Westworld and Amazulu being typical examples), "educational" bits (zoo vet, DAVID TAYLOR, local kids-with-a-talent, etc.) and cartoons (WILLIE RUSHTON's cultish TRAPDOOR) ensued. Everyone remembers Toksvig's Sandwich Quiz, where two guest celebs were invited to answer questions and build sandwiches, one layer at a time, for no reason at all. Arnold and Buchanan survived name transition in late 'eighties (to 7T3, set in a wild west theme park for no discernible reason), then lacklustre MOTORMOUTH.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HEEEEEEEEY YOU! GETREADYGETONTHESTREET!
ALISON STEADMAN and ROGER SLOMAN are a pair of lisping middle-class librarians getting back to nature by pitching their tent at a camping site. All goes well in that gently comical way, with plenty of cups of tea, cold showers and visits to slate quarries, until the arrival of a couple of Brummie 'rockers' upsets the balance. The sight of Sloman going 'ballistic' with a branch in his hand is worth the entrance fee alone. MIKE LEIGH told them what to do.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BUT YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO CHEW THIRTY TIMES, DO YOU, KEITH? I MEAN, SOMETIMES I ONLY CHEW TWENTY-SIX TIMES AND THE FOOD SLIPS DOWN QUITE NATURALLY"
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