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PACKET OF THREE
(1991-92)
CHANNEL FOUR
ONE OF THOSE self-styled comedy showcases that did nothing of the sort. Revue format-meets-crappy sitcom about imaginary Crumpsall Theatre. HENRY NORMAL (who jumped ship after one series), FRANK SKINNER (in Teddy Boy phase) and JENNY ECLAIR were your titular trio, all being largely unfunny until BILLY WRIGHT came on with an accordian and made it even worse.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BECAME "PACKING THEM IN" WHEN CONDOMS WEREN'T FUNNY ANYMORE
PACMAN'S ADVENTURES IN PAC LAND
(1983)
US
EARLY ATTEMPT at computer game crossover that should have ensured it never happened again. Yellow blob with big fat gob ate those sodding ghosts (Blinky, stinky, wanky and fucky, or something) who then turned into arguing floating eyeballs. Faithful to the original, at least...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHITHER MANIC MINER?
PADDINGTON
(1976/79)
FILMFAIR/BBC
WORLD'S MOST famous sporter of the duffle coat until L. Gallagher. Hailing from Darkest Peru, our model (literally) hero winds up at name-donating London station and somehow contrives to enter the 2D cut-out suburban Brown household, replete with nasty neighbour Mr. Curry, housekeeper Mrs. Bird and kindly antiques dealer Mr. Gruber. MICHAEL HORDERN narrated. Ace closing titles spelled out on bits of cardboard previously sequested in Paddington's TARDIS-esque suitcase.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HARD STARES, MARMALADE SANDWICHES UNDER HAT, "IT'S WHAT'S KNOWN AS A DRY BATH," ETC.
AS KICK START was to junior motorcycling, so PADDLES UP was to canoeing. Starred PETER PURVES in post-BLUE PETER pre-grey hair electricity ads mode, and a load of kids in wetsuits drowning. Always filmed near Llangollen.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND NOW, THE SLALOM..."
PAGES FROM CEEFAX
(FOREVER)
BBC
THE BEEB'S screensaver. Self-perpetuating flick through virtual catalogue of news, sport, weather and travel news, backed by gentle burbling electronica and Palm Court strummings. Bundled out for hours at a time for much of the 1980s. Spawned a cousin, CEEFAX AM, which became the curtain-raiser for BREAKFAST TIME or, during the holidays, THE PINK PANTHER SHOW (via blocky semi-moving graphic of the eponymous feline). Famously transmitted "between the lines" of normal pictures, or something. Died when 24 hour telly came along. Still available on your set, though, and online, courtesy of its bastard offspring the internet.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NEXT: SPORT HEADLINES P601
PAINT ALONG WITH NANCY
(1974-82)
HTV WEST
STILL RETAINS a sizeable cult following to this day. Of all the numerous art school/Sunday painting shows down the years, Nancy Kominsky's weekday lunchtime oil class has stayed in the consciousness the longest, probably due to huge cachet with school-avoiding children of the '80s. Subjects included Wind on Exmoor, Rainy Day in London, Moon Over Lake Tahoe and Still Life With Eggs. Occasional guests tried their hand, including ALAN TAYLOR and ED STEWART. The cocktail jazz theme and end-credits resume where the picture painted itself in stop-motion animation are legend. "For women viewers interested in submitting their entries on the theme of Love to the Paint Along with Nancy competition, before January 14, the address is, Nancy Kominsky Competition, TV Times, PO Box 40, Kettering, Northants."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND ALWAYS REMEMBER TO CLEAN YOUR PALETTE KNIFE. "THERE HAS BEEN A GREAT RESPONSE TO OUR TV TIMES PAINT ALONG WITH NANCY COMPETITION, TO PAINT A PICTURE OF ONE OR MORE OF THE ROYAL FAMILY. THE WINNING ENTRIES WILL BE PICKED THIS WEEK FROM REGIONAL FINALISTS, ON DAILY PUBLIC DISPLAY AT THE CHENIL GALLERIES, CHELSEA, LONDON, BETWEEN MARCH 11 AND MARCH 18. (PLEASE NOTE: GALLERY CLOSED ON SUNDAY, MARCH 13.) HELPING TO CHOOSE THE WINNERS WILL BE ANNETTE CROSBIE, WHO LAST YEAR WON A TV TIMES AWARD FOR HER PORTRAYAL OF QUEEN VICTORIA IN EDWARD THE SEVENTH."
MASSIVE OVERDOSE of Anthony Trollope historama, with six novels chopped into 26 meandering, mirthless episodes. Family in question conveniently happened to be present at all crucial turning points of Victorian England, all of which conveniently took place indoors. Much dramatic throwing open of French windows by SUSAN "ANDROMEDA BREAKTHROUGH" HAMPSHIRE, PHILIP "WILLY IZZARD" LATHAM, ANNA "SCEPTRED ISLE" MASSEY, DEREK "I" JACOBI, PENELOPE "STRESS" KEITH, ANTHONY "MASTER" AINLEY, PETER "CLEGG" SALLIS, "JUNE "JOOOOONE" WHITFIELD, JEREMY "...SCHOOL" IRONS and three score and ten more.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STRIKE BY BEEB SPARKS MEANT IT LASTED EVEN BLOODY LONGER
THE PAPER LADS
(1977-79)
TYNE TEES
CHARMLESS CHILDREN'S soap about paper rounds. GLYNN "MINDER" EDWARDS ran the newsagents. Brit art-rockers RENAISSANCE released the theme, "Back Home Once Again", as a single. It didn't chart. We all forgot about it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FEATURED THE MOST 1970S CAST CREDIT EVER: "AND GAVIN KITCHEN AS BAZ"
.JPG)
.JPG)
REDOUBTABLE LUNCHTIME ten-minuter in which MAGPIE's SUSAN STRANKS was "in command" doing craft stuff with card, paper, tissue, glitter and Gloy Gum. The real stars, though, were Itsy and Bitsy, two squeaky/growly puppet "spiders" (actually just gloves with a pom-pom stuck on the back, operated by NORMAN BEARDSLEY) who came down a woolen web at the start and caused the hapless Stranks much hassle in the "helping" department. Playing second fiddle: oft-forgotten Boris the mute ladybird and Cardew The Caterpillar. Earlier show TINGA AND TUCKER did a similar interfering with presenter act, but this was far superior. Four spin-off books were also available on how to make stuff, such as cardboard castles, Norman swords and helmets etc.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NO, PUT THE GLITTER DOWN, IT'S NOT FOR THAT!"
THE PARADISE CLUB
(1989-90)
BBC
BULLMAN AND DIRTY DEN - together at last! An unloved dramatic coupling - he was a streetwise priest, and he was a reluctant villain - it told of the coming together of two mismatched brothers played by DON HENDERSON and LESLIE GRANTHAM. All swept-back hair and long black jackets, a pretty hopeless crime-drama effort all round in a particularly BBC early '90s type of way (hello, MOON & SON).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FIRST INDEPENDENT DRAMA SERIES EVER COMMISSIONED BY AUNTIE, APPARENTLY
BILL "GAFFER/FROGGIT" MAYNARD and WILLIAM FRANKLYN find themselves shipwrecked on a south sea island that looks suspiciously like a set. Laughs in a bottle.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SSSSHHHHH
PARDON MY GENIE
(1972-73)
THAMES
A HAPLESS young tyke going by the name of Hal Adden (do you see?) played by ELLIS JONES is cheerily polishing his watering cans when out pops HUGH PADDICK. The genie, for it is he, turns out to be 4000 years old with a bad back and, inevitably, a penchant for pissing up his spells. All of which spells a lot of bother for Hal's boss in the hardware shop Mr Cobbledick (ROY BARRACLOUGH), not least when Hugh regenerates into ARTHUR WHITE for the second series. Kids fare that did the business, from the pen of BOB "RENTAWRITER" BLOCK. Stunning last episode found the genie running amok in - hooray! - Thames Television, raising the hackles of EAMONN ANDREWS, TONY BASTABLE, WENDY CRAIG, DICKIE DAVIES, JACK SMETHURST, WILILAMS MERVYN, SUSAN STRANKS and, er, PUFF THE PONY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."A THOUSAND APOLOGIES, MASTER!"
PARKINSON
(1971-81 AND NO FURTHER)
BBC
ONCE UPON a long ago, this was the finest chat show of them all, helmed by a man who was very much "one of us" albeit with an address book that boasted the phone numbers of the greatest stars in the world. Raconteurs, conversationalists, learned specialists, Hollywood legends, articulate politicos, inspirational artists, genius musicians: they all took a turn strolling down the steps to take their seat on Parky's raised brown daius. Then the man fucked off to TV-am on the promise of loads of money, got sacked, did ALL-STAR SECRETS and GIVE US A CLUE, moaned a lot, did some gardening, went to Australia loads of times and finally revived this, to no great acclaim in the late 90s, whereupon he revealed himself to have become a) a grouch b) a fogey c) a sycophant d) prone to slagging off anyone who wasn't "a journalist" e) the most boring man on the planet. Defection to the other side sealed his fate, where he spent a few insufferable seasons playing host to ITV Z-list celebrities, before bowing out to spend more time with his biography. Which he's writing himself, of course, because he's "a journalist".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IN THE WORDS OF KENNETH WILLIAMS: NORTH COUNTRY NIT
DEREK WARING and MILLICENT "TW3" MARTIN are the estranged owners of a bathroom furniture factory. Is their relationship destined to go, hey, down the plughole?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THIS ENTRY CERTAINLY IS
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY
(1970-74)
ABC
SUGAR-COATED DISPATCHES from the picket-fenced permanently-sunny perimeters of the eponymous bird-named brood, with matriach SHIRLEY JONES trying to keep DAVID CASSIDY, SUSAN DEY, DANNY BONADUCE, SUZANNE CROUGH and JEREMY GELBWAKS in order, mostly through toothy grins, sickly laughter and sodas, inbetween packing them all off round the country in a shitty camper van to sing songs.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ANIMATED SPIN-OFF, PARTRIDGE FAMILY 2200AD, SAW THE CLAN ENTERTAINING ALIEN RACES WITH THEIR SLICK MOR SOUNDS
BRIEF BUT not brief enough Wednesday night quizzer, fronted by GEORGE "PIGEON STREET" LAYTON. Two couples were given a question by George and then had the option of answering or, erm passing the buck, to their partner, somehow. Not on for long, but there was a Christmas celebrity special, featuring stars and their other halves, including DENNIS WATERMAN, RULA LENSKA, SIMON WILLIAMS and his missus.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE BUCK, AND THE ENTERTAINMENT, STOPS HERE
A TRIPTYCH of Sunday night monochrome sci-fi escapades, respectively ...IN SPACE, ...TO MARS and ...TO VENUS, starring GERALD "KAMELION" FLOOD and PETER WILLIAMS, chiefly penned by MALCOLM "WHO" HULKE. Recounted the spacefaring fortunes of the posh Wedgwood family, plus hamster, in a number of suspiciously pencil-thin rockets.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SYDNEY "AVENGERS" NEWMAN CALLED THE SHOTS
THE PAUL DANIELS MAGIC SHOW
(1980s)
BBC
THE NATION'S number one syrup-sporting sorceror and whiny voiced-wizard held sway over prime-time BBC1 for a hell of a long time, presenting well-honed, exhibiting his executions of classic magic tricks (which people tend to forget) in a rather annoying and charm-free way (which people can't help but remember). For variety's sake, various regular "segments" were contrived to bracket the routines - The Bunco Booth ("I win and you loose" read the hoarding as Daniels duped an audience stooge in the manner of an American funfair huckster, while wearing a silly hat), Under Laboratory Conditions (over-serious close-up magic with several witnesses and a superimposed tabletop camera view - Daniels' riposte to Gellereque charlatans), House of Cards (card tricks presented from within a giant 'card house' set, and another silly hat) and latterly Mississippi Riverboat Magic (cartoon sting leads into old-timery period set for the usual fingertip shenanigans). Also The Magic Square, which was just The Brian Rogers Connection doing dances with ribbons. All ably assisted by "the lovely" Debbie McGee. Oh, and the extra-curricular "cream of variety acts from around the world", who ranged from the sublime (the legendary escapologist Hans Moretti) through the quirky (crosstalking jugglers The Brothers Karamazov) to the just plain bizarre (a bloke who pretended to cut his fingers off, a bloke who threw playing cards at watermelons, and an old Heath Robinson inventor type who brought in his whimsical inventions and just talked about them). Infamous late '80s Halloween Special ended with an iron maiden-based trick that apparently went wrong in front of various B-list celebs (who weren't in on the sting), until - after a repeat of the Biggles Dictates a Letter PYTHON episode - Daniels turned up with a cheeky "I'm still alive, ha ha!" coda. Spinoffs included the Paul Daniels Magic Trick range (rather nifty, as it happened - boxed in odd lozenge-shaped packages and graded Blue (easy), Red (fairly easy), Purple (slightly harder) and Black ("master magician", ie impossible) - "all from the House of Dubrecq!" as YesPaul chirped in the TV ads which he shared with Rolf Harris' Stylophone and painttube brushes - as well as boxed sets and books), ODD ONE OUT and EVERY SECOND COUNTS (game shows) and WIZBIT (not good).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MEET THE MAN WHO EXCELS" WARBLED THE ORIGINAL THEME TUNE, PERHAPS OVER-EMPHATICALLY
THE PAUL HOGAN SHOW
(1973-82)
AUSTRALIA
RED-FACED ANTIPODEAN roisterer, sometime big screen fish shooter, here made his name via Benny Hill-type sketch shows with such characters as Red Mullet (a Jaws pisstake with toilets), hapless stuntman Leo Wanker, and Strop, your all-around champion hybrid yob/lifesaver whose favourite form of insult was to pass an invisible life-saving rope out of his forehead towards the offending person, with wonderful facial expressions. Turned up on UK screens in the first week of Channel 4, standing out by virtue of there being almost no other comedy to be found.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER TO PUT A LITTLE DOB OF BUTTER IN THE VEGEMITE JAR"
MITTEL-EUROPEAN GNOMIC adventures of Paulus, who lived in a tree trunk, resembled Popeye in red dungarees, and was menaced by Eucalypta the witch. The theme's lyrics are the easiest part: "Let's take a holiday, there's a little wood where we can stay/Paulus, the little wood gnome welcomes you to his home/There's ?? and ??, Koo-Roo and the bears/Snap, Gristle and Gregory too/They're waiting all for you/Something's brewing, that's quite plain/The witches cauldron's boiling again/Paulus, you'd better take care/She's out to get you/She's up to get you/She's out to get you, beware!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND THAT'S IT
PEBBLE MILL AT ONE/SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE MILL
(1972-86)
BBC PEBBLE MILL
IMPERIAL LUNCHEON appointment and always a highlight of any school skive, here dwelt the esteemed likes of DONNY MACLEOD, BOB LANGLEY, TOM COYNE and MARIAN FOSTER, holding forth in the foyer of the Beeb's Birmingham studios with chat, music, cookery and celebrity in equal dosage. It was all here, and all wonderful: PETER SEABROOK in the garden; DR WHO monsters; MICHAEL SMITH cooking a roast; bodypoppers; breakdancers; numerous pieces of military hardware landing on the forecourt outside; GERARD KENNY doing 'New York New York (So Good They Named It Twice)' for weeks on end; pets who looked like their owners; pets doing obstacle courses; pets owned by celebrities; pets who looked like their owners who were celebrities; OLIVER REED doing trouserless dancing; OWEN PAUL forgetting to mime; kids doing ballet dancing; kids doing rock dancing; GEOFF CAPES or GIANT HAYSTACKS lifting two grown men; EILEEN FOWLER doing exercises for biddies; ARTHUR NEGUS and his antiques; competitions to visit the studio; competition winners on a tour of the studio; competition winners and their drawings/costumes/makes lined up along one side of the studio; and PAUL GAMBACCINI. Latterly taken over by MAGNUS MAGNUSSON who preferred doing interviews in "more decorous surroundings" than outside on the lawn, and who ruined everything. Dropping by: PAUL COIA, JOSEPHINE BUCHAN, ANNA FORD, TONY FRANCIS, PHILIP TIBENHAM andn DAVID SEYMOUR. Axed by Michael Grade, although Magnus assured us "there will still be programmes from BBC Birmingham". Turned out to be the rubbish DAYTIME LIVE. SATURDAY NIGHT spin-off was the perfect end-of-evening tonic courtesy of (usually) KENNY BALL AND HIS JAZZMEN, a stand-up, a sit-down celebrity and a frosty MISS ELAINE PAIGE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MAN WILL ALWAYS PUSH HIMSELF IN LAKELAND; THAT'S BECAUSE DANGER IS WHAT ATTRACTS HIM HERE"
PLAY FOR TODAY spin off. Teenage kid priest's son goes through the usual rites of passage in the Malvern Hills and invokes an old local pagan spirit, with all the sexual and political connotations that "aim high" writer DAVID "ARTEMIS 81" RUDKIN could bung in. Also featured SPENCER "TIMESLIP" BANKS and IAN HOGG.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LOCATION WORK "GUARANTEED"
PENNIES FROM HEAVEN
(1978)
BBC
PSYCHOLOGICAL HOT shoe shuffle from the predictably barbed pen of DENNIS POTTER, here funnelling his usual concerns (treacherous husbands, put-upon wives, over-made-up prostitutes) into the life of BOB HOSKINS, a cardboad-suited 1930s sheet music salesman prone to breaking into other people's songs at convenient plot points. CHERYL CAMPBELL was his missus having to put up with Bob's penchant for a quick Charleston while she was trying to do the pots. GEMMA CRAVEN was the bit on the side that almost brought the entire edifice tumbling down, while KENNETH COLLEY turned up from time to time as the Accordion Man, a convoluted concoction that wasn't real but thought he was but actually wasn't. Or something. Actually one of Potter's best efforts, though that's largely by virtue of most of the rest of his work being crap.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ADULTERY YOU CAN DANCE TO
PESTERING CBBC business, based on suggestion of GOING LIVE competition winner, who probably didn't envisage their sterling work ending up being voiced by the horrendous SU POLLARD. Eponymous subject "drew" her way out of trouble.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ANIMATED BY PETER "FAMILY NESS/JIMBO" MADDOCKS
PENNYWISE/BAZAAR
(1978/1986-1988)
STV/BBC
WELL-MEANING BUT effortlessly patronising daytimers, aimed at housewives "working to a budget". PENNYWISE (nothing to do with the biscuit range) was fronted by a pair of terrifying Scottish middle-aged matriarchs, one possibly called Morag, resembling the bastard children of Two Fat Ladies and Rab C Nesbitt. Money-saving ideas always included building a set of shelves out of some planks of wood and bricks. Food suggestions never really rose above what to do with those leftovers (bread and butter pudding, a kind of meat-stew-casserole thing). Every idea was followed by a stiff animation of a penny dropping into a piggy bank, accompanied by generic money-tinkling sound effect. Memorably satirised by Victoria Wood ("and with these leftover bricks, you can make...a lovely pair of earrings"). BAZAAR was your late 80s recession-busting revival fronted by irritating Honeybun-woman JUDI SPIERS, later usurped by Nurse NERYS HUGHES.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."UP NEXT: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED A FAMILY RAILCARD?"
PERFECT STRANGERS
(1986-1993)
ABC
SHORT-ARSED MISERABLIST batchelor finds out he has a wayward cousin from comedy made-up backward East European island of Mypos. BRONSON PINCHOT (Beverley Hills Cop) was Balki Bartokamous and MARK LINN-BAKER his US relation, their plight effortlessly summed up by the theme song: "Sometimes the world looks perfect/nothing to rearrange/sometimes you just get a feeling/that you're needing some kind of change/No matter what the odds are this time/nothing's gonna stand in my way/this flame in my heart, like a long lost friend/'cos every dark step has light at the end/Standing tall/ on the wings of my dreams/rise and fall/ on the wings of my dreams/rain and thunder/wind and haze/I'm bound for better days/It's my life, my dream,/nothin's gonna stop me (nothin's gonna stop me),/my life, my dream/nothin's gonna stop me now..." [harmonica goes "wooow-wa-wa-WOOOW-wa-wa-waaa" etc.] Much laboured misunderstanding, pulling of the "birds upstairs", and general mugging. Plus oh-so-funny "happiness dance".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SATURDAY NIGHT PRE-EDMONDS PALAVER
THE PERILS OF PC PENROSE
(1975)
BBC
EARLY OUTING for PAUL GREENWOOD as a local town bobby ingenue. BRYAN PRINGLE was the more experienced sergeant.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MUCH COLLAR-FEELING CONSTERNATION
THE PERILS OF PENELOPE PITSTOP
(1970s)
HANNA-BARBERA
"HAYULP!" HYPER-SPINOFF from WACKY RACES featured the titular southern belle perpetually captured by nefarious silent movie villain the Hooded Claw, who always devised some stupidly elaborate delayed-action method of execution, set it going ("This one's a doozy, Pitstop!"), and then buggered off. Stunted fellow 'Racers the anthill mob (Clyde, Yakko, Pockets, Dum Dum, er... oh, sod it) in their spluttering car Chugaboom came falteringly to her rescue. Also the Bully Brothers (ficko henchmen) and the pointless Claw's "disguise" as Pitstop's rich guardian, Sylvester Sweetley. What the fuck was the point of that?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CAN WE GO TO CONEY ISLAND NOW, BOSS?"
THE PERISHERS
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
MODEST PRE-NATIONWIDE cartoonery with various crap kids (Marlon, Maisie, the little one, the one with the hat) and their dog Wellington Boot, voiced by LEONARD ROSSITER, forever building go karts. Did weird little arms-out hully-gully at the start.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...P-P-P-P-P-P-P-PERRRRRISHING KIDS!
TWO "HILARIOUSLY" (hence the exclamation mark) mismatched crimefighters - TONY CURTIS (Bronx-originated hard man Danny Wilde) and ROGER MOORE (posh toff Lord Brett Sinclair) join forces with much quipping, friendly rivalry, the inevitable bagging off and fistfights against blue screen backgrounds of glossy exotic locations. Concocted by LEW GRADE purely for America. They didn't want it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."LORD BRETT SINCLAIR'S SUITS DESIGNED BY ROGER MOORE. GOWNS BY 'THE TOTAL LOOK OF DEBENHAMS'"
ONE-OFF "COMEBACK" for posh whiskery waster, aided and abetted by others, which flopped. Boasted Ro(n)ald Dahl pisstake EL Wisty's Tales of the Very Much As We Expected.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO APPEARING: ROWAN ATKINSON, TERRY JONES, JOHN CLEESE, PAULA WILCOX, AND BERYL REID DRESSED AS A BEE.
PETROCELLI
(1978-79)
PARAMOUNT
HARD-TALKIN' HARD-DRINKIN' Italianamerican lawyer (BARRY NEWMAN), married to SUSAN HOWARD, does a sort of more violent Perry Mason routine in make believe San Remo, living in a camper van while dispensing legal advice for local cattle-farmers.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NEVER-GOT-FINISHED HOUSE IN THE DESERT STARRED IN THE OPENING TITLES
PETTICOAT JUNCTION
(1963-70)
CBS
RAMBLING RURAL odyssey in an Ordinary Sleepy Hotel in Hooterville. Went on for ages, thanks to neverending stream of kooky customers, local eccentrics, distant relatives and stupid handymen dropping by for a cup of grit. Or something.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ROTTEN REHASH OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES
PEYTON PLACE
(1965-70, AND ON AND ON AND ON...)
TWENTIETH-CENTURY FOX/ITV
STUBBORN SCHEDULE whelk. First US soap to make it "over here"; enduring titular small New England town "not what it seems" schtick guaranteed numerous spin-offs and re-re-re-godawful-re-runs throughout the 70s. Made careers of MIA "MRS. PREVIN" FARROW and RYAN "LOVE STORY" O'NEAL.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MUCH NON-CONTINUITY HILARITY GUARANTEED VIA ENDURING REPLACEMENT CAST, E.G. WILFRED HYDE-WHITE "IN FOR" GEORGE MACREADY
ESCAPDES OF a cartoon blue cat in a farmyard. Notable for the vocal presence of genial genius JOHNNY BALL, calling the shots in front of giant polystyrene letters spelling out name in title buffer.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."PHIL-O-MEEEEEEEE-NAAAA!"
THE PHOENIX & THE CARPET
(1976-77)
BBC
YET ANOTHER case of rampant Nesbitism on the part of the BBC classic serials department, this time involving four regulation-issue Posh Victorian Kids who find an egg in an old carpet and, naturally, lob it into the fireplace to grow a mythical bird. Rotten CSO had titular flying rug singularly failing to so much as rustle in the wind. GARY RUSSELL was in it, with arms-flapping still very much at blueprint stage (see THE FAMOUS FIVE and LOOK AND READ).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EPONYMOUS BIRD RESEMBLED A REPLICA ORVILLE OF THE KIND YOUR MUM MIGHT TRY TO MAKE
PHOENIX FIVE
(1970)
ABC (AUSTRALIA)
MORE UNWANTED flotsam washed up from Down Under, this time posing as an Antipodean STAR TREK. Show had two black-and-white predecessors: VEGA4 and THE INTERPRETARIS, with the latter, despite a non-existent budget, mustering a pantheon of Trek-esque trimmings, including a federation of planets, a space-ship on mission, Russian astronauts, females in traditional male roles, the brotherhood of man in the future and all that bollocks. Remembered, if at all, for having only one shot of the spaceship (repeated over and over), and about three sets in all, with occasional forays outside to the trusty gravel pit.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LEAD ROLE OF CAPTAIN ROKE PLAYED BY ERSTWHILE ROLLING STONES MANAGER MIKE DORSEY
WHIMSICAL DRAMA by MIKE STOTT set in and around a fictional Lancashire town. Each episode focused on the life of a different resident. One was a flasher. One was an artist. One was BERNARD HILL as a suspected murderer. Another was MATTHEW KELLY without a beard who made sculptures looking like giant breasts which said "OOH!" when you pressed them. Portrayed all northerners as dickheads. PRUNELLA SCALES, RICHARD WILSON, ROGER SLOMAN and PHILIP JACKSON were some of them.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BUMBLING POLICEMAN, PLAYED BY NICK STRINGER, WAS THE ONLY RECURRING CHARACTER
NO-NONSENSE BRAN TUB of films from around the world selected to "stimulate the creative imagination of children" initially produced by BRIAN COSGROVE and presented by DOROTHY SMITH (first outing: "A Calm Country River in Holland"). In 1969, the friendly-but-dull ALAN ROTHWELL (catchphrase: "Hello!") took over, kicking off with hardy perennial THE RED BALLOON, and remained in the driving seat for the duration. Shortly after that, the trademark opening blurred footage of a rotating jewelled casket was installed, accompanied by those timeless off-kilter strains of 'Manege' by Structures Sonores' Lasry-Baschet. The Little Match Girl, The Forth Road Bridge, Amelia and the Angel and Czech animator Karel Zeman's Mr Prokouk films (a sort of sub-Prof off of VISION ON pork pie hatted inventor) were regular visitors to the hypnotic world of Rothers. Alan took a breather in the spring of '72 as BARRY SMITH and his theatre of puppets - then also doing sterling work with Al's other kids' show, HICKORY HOUSE - took over. In '74 came activity pack back-up and programme advisers, as the education got serious. Marcel Marceau cropped up a lot, as did cartoon opera The Bricklayers Built a Crooked Chimney, Niko: Boy of Greece, that Canadian cartoon wherein one Dr. Philip Square tunnelling into the Earth's core and propelling himself back again via the evaporated piss of his pet dog, and "a close, unusual look at the cow". Survived into the late '80s, though the move to Channel Four with the rest of the ITV schools' output brought a new, brasher title sequence and a significant reduction in that queasy wonder quotient.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WE'VE RE-INVENTED STEAM PROPULSION!
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