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SAILOR to SIMON IN THE LAND OF CHALK DRAWINGS
SIN ON SATURDAY to SPY FORCE
SPYTRAP to SYKES
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NAUTICAL FLY-ON-CABIN-WALL doco, chiefly responsible for throwing 'Sailing' back up the charts twelve short months after the first time. Also drew ire of Whitehouse-hordes through "shocking" depiction of everyday seafarers' speak, i.e. Swearing.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HARD ASTERN AND ABOUT, CAP'N"
SAINT AND GREAVSIE/JIMMY GREAVES
(1980s)
LWT/CENTRAL
"IT'S A FUNNY old game," vouchsafed JIMMY GREAVES practically every week on this Saturday lunchtime soccer drone-fest, co-hosted by perpetually corpsing rug-wearer IAN ST JOHN. The "other" joke in Greavsie's repertoire related to the shortcomings of goalkeepers from "chilly Jocko land". But worse was to come for Jimmy post "split": a lame early evening chat show, set in studio recreation of Greavsie's kitchen, a la Alan Partridge Christmas Special. "If you wanna larf, call at Greavsie's garf," advised sub-Chas'n'Dave theme tune, as the once-respected footballer strolled around a market in credits to denote much-vaunted "down to earth" credentials, before indulging in Rotary Club-type breakfast bar chat with the likes of TARBY, LYNCHY et al.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INTERVIEWING TECHNIQUE JUST A NOTCH BELOW HAROLD WILSON ON FRIDAY NIGHT, SATURDAY MORNING
THE SAINT/RETURN OF THE SAINT
(1962-69/1978-79)
ITC
ROGER MOORE tours famous back projection blue screens of the world in-between exchanging fisticuffs with fat-necked bug-eyed heavies, opening secret panels, coaxing a mini-skirted moll to change sides and shooting a pistol out of the reach of a struggling evil henchman. Also suffered unlikely medical condition when constant recognition in crowded continental piazza caused tell-tale Colgate ring of confidence to appear over head, instantly blowing undercover operation. Rog later bought up the rights to the Leslie Charteris-created louche gadabout Simon Templar, mounting repeated attempts at relaunches in subsequent decades. Most notable was IAN OGILVY's stint, replete with ace quasi-singalong theme tune ("It's the re-TURN of the SAINT!"). SIMON DUTTON donned the halo for a hopeless and shortlived 1989 re-return.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TITLES FOR RETURN OF... HAD THAT STICK FIGUREY LOGO BRANCHING OUT INTO WATERSKIING AND HORSE RIDING
SALE OF THE CENTURY
(1971-83)
ANGLIA
IT CAME from Norwich. Some called it the Quiz of The Week (especially announcer JOHN BENSON, later poached by Jonathan Ross). NICHOLAS PARSONS was the salesman-presenter. This orgy of pre-THE PRICE IS RIGHT consumerist caprice began on Saturday 19th February at 6.05pm thusly: "Quickfire quizmaster Nicholas Parsons poses questions worth £1, £3 and £5 which earn the contestants the right to bargains worth up to £1,000 in any one show - provided they know the right answers. If you can't resist a bargain, then this is the show for you. This week's lucky trio of contestants are Mrs. Pat Beaver, a play group supervisor from Salisbury, Wilts.; Bob Bennett, a stock controller from Sudbury, Suffolk, and John Hayes, a schoolteacher rom Allesley, Coventry. And the major prizes they could win are a £1,000 sports car offered at just £95; a £333 colour television set at £30; a £720 continental bedroom suite at £70, and a fortnight's family holiday in Cyprus, worth £560, at £55. Some sale!" Musical interludes ("we're having a heatwaaaaave!") didn't help to up the level of sophistication; your man at the organ, PETER FENN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND THERE'S THE GONG!"
A SORT OF Flipper with actual flippers, TCF (responsible for THE DOUBLE DECKERS, DIGBY and others) slapped on the smart sea lion with his cute kiddy pal MARK SLADE for slightly-less-memorable-than-other-shows-of-the-genre antics.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME MUSIC CONTAINED THE IMMORTAL LYRICS "WHAT COULD BE SWEETER THAN SALTY..."
SALVAGE ONE
(1979)
ABC/COLUMBIA
FORGOTTEN GEM of a US TV movie (and how often can you say that?) starring ANDY GRIFFITH as a junkyard owner scheming his way up the financial ladder, culminating in an attempt to go to the moon and flog off all the crap left up there from the Apollo landings. Surprisingly effective effects. A brief series followed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WAS TERRY GILLIAM WATCHING?
SUB-BECKETT TV hokum with holocaustic undertones. MIRIAM KARLIN bosses two old duffers about in a post-apocalypse shelter, then GLENDA JACKSON only goes and turns up. From LWT's "we're smarter than everyone else" early aka "shit" period.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO FEATURING GRAHAM "SUN TRAP" CROWDEN
SAM ON BOFF'S ISLAND
(1972-73)
BBC
WEIRD, HALF-REMEMBERED educational oddity. Sam was a human, trapped on an island with the Boffs (little human-style creatures). They had an inventor one and various other ones, who did factory-type things with words and letters. Then there were these birds called say-birds, each with a different letter printed on them, who used to say the letter that was on them as they flew and the letters would fall to the ground, then the Boffs would pick up the letters and put them into the words they made in the factory. Whole thing starred TONY "FAT TULIP" ROBINSON, wearing a polo-neck and gold medallion or patterned neckachief. Every episode he would be transported to Boff's Island in a daydream, usually after he contemplated word misunderstandings. One episode he was in a noisy restaurant, orders some nice ham and mustard, the waitress mishears him and comes back with some rice, jam and custard. The Boffs were knitted puppets with buttons for eyes; Grandma Boff was a haggard old witch who looked like a knitted Ena Sharples. Shop Boff owned a shop and a load of say-birds. Ask him for some butter and the B say-bird would say B into the shop Boff machine and out the other end would come some butter. Shop Boff also sold the Boff Island newspaper, the Hanky-Panky Fantastico. Front page news stories included: The Cat Sat On A Mat. There was a neighbouring island to Boff which has some pink scary creatures called the Gurglers or something. They didn't speak but gurgled quite a lot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT CLEAR WHETHER TONE STILL HAS THIS ON HIS CV
THE SANDBAGGERS
(1978-80)
YORKSHIRE
SUNDAY NIGHT ROY MARSDEN/RAY LONNEN vehicle. There were several Sandbagger agents; Lonnen was Sandbagger One, the head agent in the field, engaged in typical late 70s spies vs Soviets stuff. Marsden was an ex-Sandbagger One Neil Burnside, now head of the organization, under the MI5 umbrella. Had an American contact in the CIA a la Felix Leiter, played by a ubiquitous American actor whose name escapes us. Several prissy aristocrats were the overlords of the organization, whom Burnside and co always had to circumvent every episode. It was almost purely studio bound, consisting of Burnside's office, his superior's office, and the general area where the rest of the Sandbagger agents hung out, but once in a while they'd go "abroad" to a back-projected blue screen, perhaps left over from THE SAINT (see above) that was supposed to be Poland, Russia, Czechoslovakia, Gibraltar or Malta.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CHEAPSKATES
SAPPHIRE AND STEEL
(1979-82)
ATV
WOBBLY FRIDGE magnet letters and tadgerish geometric cartoons began this pretentious sci-fi supernatuum about two elemental agents Sapphire (JOANNA LUMLEY) and Steel (DAVID McCALLUM). Opening bullshit portent tried to impress with flash vocabulary "heavy transuranic elements may not be used." Yeah, and Sapphire and Steel are not fucking elements. Ludicrous bag of wank plots involved being able to see through time, baubles of light, railway stations being dragged back through history and being able to reduce your body temperature below freezing. The sort of stuff, then, that comprises an entire series of Torchwood.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SAPPHIRE AND STEEL HAVE, IN A VERY REAL SENSE, BEEN ASSIGNED
IF DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE and CATS EYES hadn't already proved that us Brits are pretty poor at this fast-paced, action-packed crime show malarkey, this dire Central effort, like Yorkshire's ambitious Hong Kong-based YELLOWTHREAD STREET, hammered the point home. Bland PROFESSIONALS-style duo combated loony terrorist scum in one-dimensional scrapes devoid of C15's homoerotic slash fiction subtext. This kind of stuff was really much better left to the Yanks.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FEATURED INGRID "DEAD DONKEY" LACEY IN SUPPORTING MISS MONEYPENNY TYPE ROLE
SATURDAY BANANA
(1978)
SOUTHERN
BILL ODDIE again. This regional TISWAS replacement (see also OUR SHOW) didn't exactly have legs. Oddie wore yellow waistcoat and boots. "Banana", you see? They had an audience. They had guests. "It's the Saturday Banana..." Notable (well, relatively) for containing the first TV appearances of METAL MICKEY in a pre-Dolenz series form. Presumably he just stood about saying "boogie boogie boogie" to Oddie. The shadow of Maidstone, ME15 6RS loomed. Set featured a 30ft tall fibreglass banana, sat phallus-like vertically in the air, almost level with the main road.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JIMMY DURANTE VOICE (BY ODDIE) FOR THE TITLE SONG. "IT'S DA STATTADEE BANAAANAAAA!"
SCRABBLING AROUND for yet another Saturday teatime placement, John Birt settled upon this charmless formula tosh boasting the talents of titular "gang" GARY WILMOT, GARETH HALE, NORMAN PACE and, yes, inevitably, without whom etc., KATE ROBBINS. Brother TED confined to backroom scripting chores.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GANG" ALL GOT ON IN REAL LIFE, WHICH IS WRONG
THE SATURDAY MORNING SHOW
(1979)
LWT
POST-SATURDAY SCENE, pre-TISWAS morning miscellany for London-bound kids. "A bright and crisp programme for children, teenagers, young adults and indeed the whole family." Sounds good. "The show combines cinema, sport, the best in pop music, interviews with celebrities, studio games for competitors, a regular serial. Also write in competitions." Great! "Four young participants will be given a research project to complete during the run of the show. " Er... "Plus short film features on apparently glamorous exciting jobs." Hmm. STEVE JONES was on hand to present and cue in ancient episodes of OUR GANG, while ELVIS PAYNE "joins the Keep or Heap panel and chats to the advice bureau expert of the week."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHEN'S DICKIE DAVIES ON?"
SATURDAY NIGHT AFFAIRS
(1984)
BBC PEBBLE MILL
ANOTHER WOEFULLY misguided effort from the regions (see SIN ON SATURDAY) to fill the 10.30pm slot when Parky, Carrott and Wogan were on holiday. See if you can spot the mistakes here: each week an "international celebrity" would "throw" a "party" for their "friends" at Pebble Mill, where the cameras would rove around the proceedings, inviting us the viewer to experience the high life from our own armchair. The first "host" was VIDAL SASSOON, the second, er, DAVE LEE TRAVIS. VICTOR SPINETTI was going to be the third, but the axe fortuitously fell.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THERE WAS ALSO SATURDAY LIVE, WITHOUT BEN ELTON BUT WITH SIMON BATES AND GLORIA HUNNIFORD. WE'D PAY TO SEE THAT NOWADAYS
SATURDAY NIGHT PEOPLE
(1979-80)
LWT
EPIC EPICUREAN jawathon live from the South Bank boasting the tremulous troika of CLIVE JAMES, JANET-STREET PORTER and RUSSELL HARTY, gossiping, introducing reports and generally trying to piss each other off. From behind individual hexagonal desks, our hosts would hold forth on items of teasing tabloid trivialisation, what they'd watched on telly that week (which in Clive's case was always everything), some colourful local citizen with a story to tell which one of them had been to interview, and the decline and fall of morality. Not necessarily in that order. Acquired brief national fame courtesy of Clive's Michael Caine impersonation ("Everyone inside! The killer bees are coming!") with associate giant prop wasp lowered from the studio ceiling to scare him shitless.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CANDIDATE FOR, IF NOT BEST LINE-UP OF HOSTS EVER, THEN CERTAINLY BEST TALK SHOW STUDIO SET
IT WASN'T all TISWAS and SIX FIFTY-FIVE SPECIAL for the lovely SALLY JAMES. In the mid-70s she was the host of this, your typical Saturday morning kids' TV stuff (reading out letters, doing competitions, interviewing guests etc.) in between the likes of THUNDERBIRDS and assorted cartoonery. Occasionally followed at 11.00am (after a discreet break for JUNIOR POLICE FIVE) by a Saturday Scene Pop Scene special, featuring Sal's "tips for the top". Cartoons like the JETSONS, live action dramas like BEACHCOMBERS, film show CLAPPERBOARD and dismal magazine LONDON BRIDGE were all encompassed by the format. By '76 it mutated into SUPERSONIC SATURDAY SCENE, with Sal joined by MIKE MANSFIELD of the 'Sonic parish. Bought-in entertainment was boosted by SPACE 1999 - and deflated with TALES OF THE RIVERBANK. Towards the end they gave up even on that level of effort, and bunged a film like Charley's Aunt across the schedule instead.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. ESPECIALLY IN HAIRDO TERMS
THE SATURDAY SHOW
(1982-84)
CENTRAL
LITTLE SEEN and even less watched contemporary of BBC1's SATURDAY SUPERSTORE had TOMMY BOYD and ISLA ST CLAIR sitting together awkwardly at the same desk. Too little like TISWAS, it was originally conceived, preposterously, as a vehicle for gran-pleasing Saturday afternoon grapplemeister BIG "HIS REAL NAME'S SHIRLEY CRABTREE YOU KNOW" DADDY, but he had to pull out on health grounds. Featured a spot called What The Comics Say. Do you see what they did there?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LATTERDAY NOMENCLATURE-SHARING DANI BEHR AND JOE MACE EFFORT NO BETTER
SATURDAY STARSHIP
(1984-85)
CENTRAL
AND AGAIN with the Boydster. Here a bubblepermed Tommy burbled his way about a "futuristic" studio which was also a spaceship (see GET FRESH, MAGIC MICRO MISSION) with th'execrable BONNIE LANGFORD flouncing about in back. Mission implausible.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GROUNDED
SATURDAY SUPERSTORE
(1982-87)
BBC
NO BREAKDANCERS or bodypoppers, please.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I SHALL BE IN LONDON, DEAR"
SCARECROW AND MRS KING
(1982)
ITV
YANKCENTRIC DETECTIVE yarns in REMINGTON STEELE vein, with ex-CHARLIE'S ANGEL KATE JACKSON as the eponymous divorcee, recruited by CIA agent TV movie king BRUCE BOXLEITNER, for reasons which must remain unclear.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BAFFLING
SCIENCE WORKSHOP
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
DESPITE HAVING a Beebed-up version of Pink Floyd's 'Time' for the theme, accompanied by a cartoon elephant jumping on a triangle, this two-man one-woman schools physics show was fair enough. Presenters: DAVID HARGREAVES (the hairy bloke off the "Ted!" Yellow Pages adverts), MALCOLM (who couldn't get a Science Workshop jumper) and LINDA. Notable for the interplay between the three - senior, kindly David, keen but hapless Malcolm, and "bit of tottie" Linda (OK, not so progressive after all), and the classic Christmas edition featuring a bauble factory and Linda's snazzy metallic ballgown. Even indulged in end-of-series "outtakes" banter. Malcolm did get a jumper in the end but its head hole was missing.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND BROWN IS A BLACK-MIX OF ORANGE! GIVE US A TWIRL, MY LOVE!"
SCOOBY DOO, WHERE ARE YOU?
(1970-72)
HANNA-BARBERA
IF YOU ignore THE FLINTSTONES, which we find easy to do, probably *the* flagship H-B show. Burned-into-minds-of-everyone-under-40 line-up: dull, lantern jawed Fred (plus cravat), "decorative" monster fodder Daphne, orange-jumpered plot-solver Velma (catchphrases - "Jinkies!" "My glasses!") and the hoary-reminisci-package pairing of Scooby Doo and Norville "Shaggy" Rodgers (voice of CASEY "AMERICA'S TOP TEN" KASEM). Original series stuck rigidly to the well-known format: Kids roll up in Mystery Machine to Daphne's aunt's summer house overlooking the old lagoon/mine/deserted mansion; strange things happen; Fred does the old "I'll go with Daphne - you lot piss off over there" ploy; Velma finds "piece of monster costume"; Velma loses glasses; Shag and Scoob encounter the monster but escape by pretending to be comedy barbers/jugglers/chefs etc; Daphne gets kidnapped and then appears behind a secret panel; the entire gang are chased about to a flaccid 60s bubblegum song; Fred devises elaborate monster trap in which Scoob gets captured instead; monster is eventually captured and, yes, it was the old caretaker/lighthouse keeper/kindly Uncle Wilberforce all along, who wanted to "scare people away" from the whatever so he could have all the secret whatever for himself. Subsequent revivals, however, meddled with this cast-iron formula, first with the "New Adventures" (song: "When Scooby Doo is running from a spooky ghost/Shaggy is a-doing what he does the most") but then, even worse, with THAT hateful nephew. Most recently seen bedecked with yet another "relation", Yabba Doo. Eh?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRING "SCOOBY SNACKS", THOSE TOWERING SANDWICHES WITH AN OLIVE IN THE TOP, AND THE STRANGE EASE WITH WHICH THOSE OLD JANITORS GOT HOLD OF MONSTER SUITS/PORTABLE SUBMARINES/HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTORS
SCOTCH AND WRY
(1978-1992)
BBC SCOTLAND
FINEST COMEDY BBC Scotland ever managed to cobble together, broadcast once a year on Hogmanay. Starred RIKKI FULTON with top flight help from primarily GREGOR FISHER but also sometimes TONY ROPER and Fulton's wife who also made regular appearances on THE TWO RONNIES ("Your game m'lady"..."thank you Blenkinsop"). Legendary sketches date from mid-80s peak. Supercop (once with a guest appearance by MARK MCMANUS reprising TAGGART) was the perennial show-opener, followed by pastiches of TV shows of the calibre of The Beechgrove Garden which were infinitely more entertaining than the originals ("...with George and Jim, the Sunshine Boyos," demonstrating the best way to keep a tray of drinks in winter - mostly by planting them down and taking cuttings,"...from the top no' the bottom.") Also see Red Indian Chief Swifthalf attending interview at the Jobcentre; the Gallowgate Gourmet at Dirty Dicks Delicat'messen; the South Side Episcopalian Ping Pong and Scrabble Association carol singer and the nymphomaniac. All built to the grand finale that was Last Call, a piss-take of the dreadful Late Call that STV showed for many years as its sop to religious broadcasting which involved a minister or priest talking in moderated tones to the late night, drink-sodden public. Sat in a leather chair with a lamp by his side Fulton performed in several guises for this segment, such as The Rev W. E. Free as a Free Presbyterian Minister and the excellent Rev David Goodchild as a mild-mannered minister who unwittingly drinks a bottle of gin before broadcast and descends into alcoholic and slurred ramblings before excusing himself - "Could you keep my seat, I feel a prayer coming on." But most memorable was the Rev I. M. Jolly whose morose and depressing rambings usually involved the attempted suicide of parishioners or the continuing nightmare that was his marriage. Best of all, at the end of every show and following the credits there would be a jibe at the eternally worthless Hogmanay Show, usually taking the form of a variation on Fulton and friends laughing at a party and his attention being called to the Hogmanay Show starting whereupon he would throw the television out of the window.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRITERS INCLUDED BOB "CITY LIGHTS" BLACK AND JOHN "TUTTI FRUTTI" BYRNE
DRIP-DRY MICHAEL RODD (later BRIAN "DANGERMOUSE" TRUEMAN and MARK CURRY) was your presenter, Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Lady and the Tramp were your clips, along with the obligatory Children's Film Foundation effort, in this memory-test quizzery in old-fashioned ties-for-the-boys, sit-up-straight, desks 'n' buzzers extravaganza. The intermission heralded the Young Filmmaker of the Year competition, essentially a stuck up precocious child with a Super8 filming juddery stop motion plasticene blobs vomiting "crazy string" all over each other. Supposedly honed the talents of "many a successful contemporary Hollywood director", whose collective talents are now to be found keeping YouTube in business.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND THIS RATHER CHARMING EFFORT FEATURES TWO OTTERS HOLDING HANDS"
SCULLY
(1984)
GRANADA/CHANNEL 4
ALAN BLEASDALE etched these BLACKSTUFF-lite tales of the eponymous Scouse kid (ANDREW SCHOFIELD) kicking in phone boxes and failing a trial for Liverpool FC. Began life as stories told by then-English teacher Bleasdale to his pupils.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...REPLETE WITH GRIN-WEARING DALGLISH AND HEARING AID-WEARING COSTELLO
SEALAB 2020
(1972-73)
FILMATION
ANIMATED ECO-FINGER-POINTING creation, usually of a Saturday morning, dispensing heavy doses of Al Gore-esque "this is your future, kids, unless you don't buck up your ideas" syrup. Dr. Paul Williams (voiced by ROSS MARTIN) headed pioneering underwater expedition to check out chances for long-term sub-aqua survival, recruiting 250 mates to live in helpfully transparent, spacious fully-furnished (70s style) pod. Frustrating endless issues-based talk (seaweed as potential food sources, nuclear energy, capsizing Arctic research station) soon cluttered up chances for decent action/adventure.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...REVEALED THAT BOYS HAVE BIGGER LUNGS THAN GIRLS, AND THAT'S IT
SEARCH CONTROL
(1972)
BBC/WARNER SEVEN ARTS
FUTURISTIC (FOR its time) escapades following the exploits of cyber-sleuths HUGH O'BRIEN, ANTHONY FRANCIOSA and DOUG McCLURE, backed up by irascible controller BURGESS MEREDITH. Gimmick was that the three were linked by radio implants and other groovy gadgets to a central control, where Meredith and his team of chairborne smartarses would use computers to instantly access vital data and pass it instantly to our heroes. Niftiest toy was a tiny TV/multisensor, which could be worn as a ring or a pendant and gave perfect, shake-free images, no matter how badly the wearer was having the crap kicked out of him at the time. Show usually ended with something like the hero for the week (the leads rotated, which was a tad confusing) jetting off into the sunset on a Jumbo he'd rented on a company card ready to join the mile-high club while Meredith wittered into his earhole about how much this airborne shag was costing the firm.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PERFECTLY PRESERVED IN 70S TIME BUBBLE OWING TO THE PRIMITIVE COMPUTERS, HAIRSTYLES, PENDANTS FOR MEN AND DOMINIC FRONTIERE'S SCORE
SEASIDE/SUMMERTIME SPECIAL
(1976-82, 1987)
BBC/TVS
ASPIC-PICKLED ASININE variety gadabout from a different pier each week. Regular musical guests of the Bobby Crush/Elaine Paige calibre, comedians in the Frank Carson/Tom O'Connor line, and either Pan's People/Legs and Co or New Edition (not to be confused with Bobby Brown's outfit) doing pirouettes along the invariably windswept rain-drenched promenade. Plus "a bevy of bathing beauties" licking ice creams. Michael "POPS" Hurll thought of it. Christmas SNOWTIME SPECIALS featured synchronised skiing to Boney M, DEMIS ROUSSOS singing carols wearing a big furry hood, and frequent absence of snow.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SUMMERTIME SPECIAL FOUND THE LIKES OF FIVE STAR AND BRIAN CONLEY MALINGERING IN THE BOURNEMOUTH INTERNATIONAL CENTRE
YVETTE FIELDING'S most notable hour before coming clean about her Brave Skin Condition. Sandy Shelton dwelt, along with younger brother George (AARON BROWN of the LUNA and BRUSH STROKES parish), in the titular hostelry on the Blackpool prom, getting under the feet of their "cuh, honestly" parents, arguing about animal rights, making money on the side and hanging out with their mate Duncan (LLOYD PETERS) and his laughably-named "heavy metal" band. Yvette ultimately got to join the latter youth-club guitar-rock rabble, chanting lyrics like "We're tomorrow and we're going to change things now" while striking a dynamic pose against the sunset. Second series found Sandy in love with "deep" boyfriend Ian (MARK JORDAN).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ON BLUE PETER: "OH, GOD, WHAT DID I LOOK LIKE?" MARK CURRY - "YEAH, AND NOW...?"
ARCHETYPAL "BITTERSWEET" comdram about a constantly hopeless boxer (ROBERT "WOLFIE" LINDSAY) with LESLIE "HAPPY APPLE" and the redoubtable KEN "SQUIRRELS" JONES.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FLOORED
STIRRING TREMBLE-LIPPED stoicism from the Second World War, charting the 'ALLO 'ALLO-inspiring Belgian resistance capers of BERNARD HEPTON (Albert Foiret) running a restaurant patronized by Nazis while smuggling PoWs out of the country on the side. Unbearably tense, undeniably sentimental but unashamedly ace. JAN FRANCIS was the original resistance ring-leader before getting killed by a falling brick. CHRISTOPHER NEAME was her love interest and British agent who ultimately escaped by driving a bus, Roger Moore-style, very fast towards Switzerland. ANGELA RICHARDS was the angelic-voiced chanteuse and Foiret's bit on the side, forever irking his bedridden cantankerous missus. CLIFFORD ROSE peered down his nose at all and sundry, failing to ever guess what was going on behind his Beef Wellington, while MICHAEL CULVER almost worked it out before shooting himself and future Demon Headmaster TERRENCE HARDIMAN guessed it but just as the war ended. STEPHEN YARDLEY showed up as a treacherous piano player (always the worst kind), RON PEMBER was the ever-loyal wireless man Alain, and VALENTINE DYALL the superb, non-ruffled Dr Keldermans. Rose resurfaced in KESSLER, wherein his eponymous evil bastard was trying to stay anonymous in some South American banana republic. Opening tracking shot down stills of railway lines, canals, roads and winding tracks set to sombre theme music the epitome of the perfect title sequence.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BEEP-BEEP-BEEP BEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEP BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
THE SECRET DIARY/GROWING PAINS OF ADRIAN MOLE
(1985-87)
THAMES
DECADE-ENHANCING COFFEE table staple by SUE TOWNSEND adapted reasonably, if rather needlessly, for the screen and starring GIAN SAMMARCO as the spotty, ‘thing'-obsessed adolescent nerd misunderstood by his parents, adored by his grandma and, of course, profoundly in love with Pandora, as Ian Dury's rousing theme recited. Barely a script change, with much of it in monologue with Adrian in his bedroom, staring into the mirror while reading extracts from the diary. Beetroot-loving octogenarian bigot Bert Baxter provided a final role for BILL "ARMY GAME" FRASER, while the rest of the cast were spot on: JULIE WALTERS and STEPHEN MOORE as the hard-drinking, forever-rowing parents and BERYL REID as the thin-lipped, potty grandma. LINDSEY STAGG played Pandora, who wasn't anywhere near as ravishable as we'd expected. Sequel THE GROWING PAINS... was also done, to lesser effect, mainly as Walters had been replaced by LULU, who just wasn't as convincing as a woefully bad matriarch. Childbirth, running away from home, "touch her bust", Falklands campaign maps, "we shall, we shall wear red socks". Not at all bad. Sammarco played the character again, in all but name, in a bad run of high street bank adverts, winking at the cashier and everything. Has since vacated "public eye" radar screen.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RUBBISH LATTERDAY BBC SEQUEL FOUND ADRIAN AS INCAPABLE CHEF AND PANDORA AS LABOUR MP, THOUGH AT LEAST SHE HAD GROWN THE HEAD OF HELEN BAXENDALE
VOLUMINOUS VICTORIAN pinafore parade courtesy of template BBC adaptation of Frances Hodgson Burnett tome. Main character Mary (SARAH HOLLIS ANDREWS) gets evacuated from India and sent to live with her obligatory creepy uncle in an obligatory large country house. Teams up with unfortunately-named Dickon (ANDREW HARRISON) the gardener's son and Colin (DAVID PATTERSON), her cousin, who is dying from TB. Together they recreate the "secret" garden as a place to, somewhat implausibly, bring Colin to help him get better. And that's it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOTHING MUCH SECRET ABOUT IT IF EVERYONE KNEW IT WAS THERE
THE SECRET LIVES OF WALDO KITTY
(1975)
NBC
VAGUELY-REMEMBERED SERIES based on Danny Kaye's Walter Mitty character, merging animation and live action to tell the adventures of a mild-mannered, daydreaming moggy named Walter, and the amazing adventures he imagined himself in, usually involving saving his girlfriend, Felicia, from the evil Tyrone the bulldog.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CATTISH
THE SECRET OF STEEL CITY
(LATE 1970s)
BBC/IRON CURTAIN
CZECH/BULGARIAN DRAMA defects to the west and gets dubbed for its troubles. Well, not "dubbed" as such, rather "lectured". As the foreign actors went through their paces, we were told what was going on by plummy-voiced narrator. If you listened carefully, you could just make out faint dialogue in the mother tongue of wherever it was. Bundled out, unbelievably, in the hallowed Wednesday 5:10pm slot. Plot concerned two neighbouring cities, Steel City and Fortuna, separated by a river (and ideologies) in a poverty-stricken Eastern Bloc country. Steel City (grey and industrial) develop a "freeze" weapon with which to oppress Fortuna (probably a nicer place to bring up your children). Metaphor for the Cold War/Iron Curtain, anyone? Opening scenes see a fleeing Steel City worker being shot as he swam the river. "The secret of Steel City died with that man" laments our narrator. But all is not lost. Fortuna send over their own spy who discovers the weapon and probably saves the day, ending with closer ties between Steel City and Fortuna. Probably.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEE OSKAR, KINA AND THE LASER AND THE LEGENDS OF TIM TYLER FOR MORE BUDGET EASTERN BLOC ESOTERIA
ANIMATED CAPRICE concerning a kid named Simon who moves into an apartment building, and one day becomes absent minded and presses the elevator button to the basement. Lo and behold, he finds a working train! He then meets people like Mr George T Passenger, his cat Melody, and occasional girlfriend flirt Stella. Every ride's an adventure, with the train magically turning into a space ship, submarine or airplane whenever a new plot was needed. Of course, Simon always seems to find convenient train tracks everywhere he goes.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...*CLEARS THROAT*: WHEN YOU'RE FEELING BLUE/WHEN YOU'RE FEELING DOWN/THERE'S A SECRET RAILROAD/(SOMETHING SOMETHING) UNDERGROUND/DOWN THERE IN THE DARK/BENEATH THE LOST AND FOUND/(SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING)/ADVENTURE BOUND!
BAH BAH bah, bi-dooby-dooby-bah Swingle Singer-esque sublime theme tune heralded the start of this, GERRY ANDERSON's never before seen and little watched since attempt at mixing demented live action and dubious puppetry. The former came courtesy of PROFESSOR STANLEY "FOLDIROLD" UNWIN babbling on about the fate of the world as a secret agent vicar working for BISHOP (British Intelligence Secret Headquarters, Operationg Priest) with a Model T and a literal "Man in a Suitcase" (tiny yokel puppet bloke Matthew). The latter were voiced variously by, as usual, SYLVIA ANDERSON, KEITH ALEXANDER and GARY FILES. Incomprehensible, largely; inimitable, always.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AXED BY LORD LEW FOR COSTING TOO MUCH
SECRET SQUIRREL
(1960s)
HANNA-BARBERA
SUPPOSED JAMES BOND pastiche, but if so, why was the eponymous squirrel dressed in Clouseau getup? Assistant was Peter Lorre-esque Morrocco Mole (plus fez), bald M-alike referred to him as Secret Squirl. Gizmos in hat (a la INSPECTOR GADGET) present and correct, as were Snooper and Blabbermouse, cat and mouse detective team.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SEEEEEE-CRET! SEEEEEE-CRET!"
MINUTE DETAILS of Messherschmitts, hush-hush plots and assorted explosive devices in the Wednesday evening documentary slot after the news. Cunning weaponry, mainly British and German, examined in intimate detail. Bletchley Park cypher stuff held particular fascination as they cracked codes set on those deeply sinister-looking, latterly Hollywood-celebrated Enigma machines. Thorough to the point of obsession as real ordnance was wheeled out for affectionate portrayals of defusing and dismantling activities. Sober forerunner of the "Armed-to-the-ears War Death Blood Guts BANG!" multi-part collectors' pieces that littered newsagents shelves in the 1990s.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SUITABLY SECRET-SOUNDING THEME TUNE BLESSED WITH MORSE-CODEY OVERTONES
SEE FOR YOURSELF
(1988-90)
BBC
SPRAWLING EXERCISE in self-flagellation by a newly Birt-ised BBC, intended to show licence fee payers where there money goes, and doing so by way of a hugely expensive look-at-this exercise involving massive Sunday night documentaries, numerous radio and TV phone-ins ('Call The Controller') and a free pull-out in Radio Times with ROBIN DAY and ANITA DOBSON on the front. Axed when it became too costly. Private Eye can have that one for free.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU'RE THROUGH TO MARMADUKE HUSSEY!"
THE SENSIBLE SHOW
(EARLY 1980s)
GRANADA
BARELY-BELIEVABLE QUIZ quackery hosted by a bristling MATTHEW KELLY. "The Sensible Show," ran the publicity, "is at the other end of the games spectrum from THE KRYPTON FACTOR. While contestants on The Krypton Factor generally want to prove something to themselves, competitors on The Sensible Show just have to be willing to have a go. They need to have a sense of fun, and be willing to take part in all sorts of games from, for example, The Backwards Olympics which tests their sense of coordination, to a test where contestants have to throw darts at a board while they are hanging upside-down, to check how they act when their senses are disorientated." Hope that clears things up.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SENSIBLE" AS IN "OF THE SENSES", YOU SEE. NOT AS IN "NOT SILLY". OBVIOUSLY
SER/SEREN 2
(LATE 1970s/EARLY 1980s)
HTV
THIS WAS HTV's attempt at reflecting the varied and exciting (it says here) Welsh music scene, after BBC's DISC A DAWN was laid to rest. The titles suggested a maelstrom of electric energy, but many of the acts proved just a tad mundane. For example: Y Dillau (three women in their thirties, two on acoustic guitars, one on piccolo), Edward H Dafis (standard pub rock, seemed to have two hairstyles at the same time), Y Trwnau Coch (Welsh 'punk', had about three guitar strings between them), Hergest (75% bearded, denim flares, singer did Weeble-type dance, music not exactly groundbreaking), and so on. First theme tune had the most over the top slap-funk bass line ever commited to 1/4 track.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STILL BEATS THE ROXY
RIDING THE 1970s home crafts (i.e. Britain is broke) boom like a hastily-put-together show possessed, this little macrame/polished stone/tie dye extravaganza was notable mainly (only) for featuring KATY "JO GRANT" MANNING in the role of "hands were made for making" presenter. Shared name with supposed "cure" for giant maggots as seen in Katy's last Dr Who adventure, The Green Death.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IN SUBSEQUENT SERENDIPITOUS ACT, PROMPTLY AXED
FROM THE crime-addled mind of Lord TED "DIXON OF" WILLIS came this ropey historical number set in ubiquitous "smoke-filled" "Holmesian" streets of Victorian England. JOHN BARRIE played eponymous CID staffer, WILLIAM GAUNT made his coffee.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PROTO-MORSE "DAMN THIS PAPERWORK" OLD COVE
NOT A single Pacino in sight for this corrupt cop spin-off series; instead, DAVID "BRIDGET LOVES" BIRNEY was the exposey good apple in a short-lived effort that fooled no-one.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AKA - THE DEADLY GAME. TWO, THREE...
SESAME STREET
(1969-DATE)
A PRODUCTION OF THE CHILDREN'S TELEVISION WORKSHOP
THESE ARE the people in your neighbourhood. In your neighbourhood. The people that you meet each day. Never went away, although you'll be hard pressed to find it on UK telly today, but latterday episodes saw a vexing decline in psychedelic animations, especially that one that went inside a pinball machine (with accompanying Fool's Gold-eque jazz-funk melody - "Onetwothree four five, sixseveneight nine ten, eleventwelve!"). And the classic "One of these kids is doing his own thing; now it's time to play our game" brainstretcher. And JIM HENSON him very self as the falling over chef ("Niiiiiiine strawberry deseeeeeeeerts!" Crash!). Not forgetting the silent-film painter ("I'm gonna paint a seven!") whose creations ended up on the arse of a fat bloke or a steam roller ("My seven!!!"), and that meaningless number at the start. We liked the indefatigable long-armed Yoda-voiced blue thing Grover, especially as comedy waiter serving generic blue-faced customer in Charlie's restaurant, less so when in conversation with overcute American kiddies: "Say Jon-Jon...do you know what co-operation is?" Plus a raincoated Kermit in "fast-breaking" news reports: "We've just heard that Humpty-Dumpty has had a great fall..." and gameshow host Guy Smiley and Billy Joelesque piano-headbanging musician Don Music. Bert and Ernie (names inspired by two characters in Frank Capra's IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE) and Cookie Monster (also Errol Brown-alike Gordon) remained jovial constants, but Big Bird was always a top in-need-of-a-slap wanker. Episodes where news-stand owner MR "MR LOOPER" HOOPER died, and where they finally got to see inept mammoth-thing MR SNUFFLEUFAGUS remain vaguely seminal.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THIS ENTRY WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTERS D AND Z AND THE NUMBER EIGHTEEN
SEVEN UP
(1963, 1970, 1977, 1984, 1991, 1998, 2005)
GRANADA
"WHAT DOES university mean?" Herculean hike through the lives of Real People of our time, revisited every, er, seven years to see a) who's got married b) who's split up c) who's still living in the same town they grew up in and d) who's refused to let the cameras film them this time. Stunning piece of social history and the salvation of many a bored secondary school history teacher. At the time of writing everyone is still alive, even the one who "wanted to turn the world into a diamond" but ended up going to live in a caravan by a Scottish lake. All the masterwork of the great MICHAEL APTED.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...56 UP DUE IN 2012
SEZ LES/LES SEZ/THE LES DAWSON SHOW/THE DAWSON WATCH
(1969-89)
YORKSHIRE/BBC
EXPECTED EXQUISITE dog-faced drollery from the rumbling northern ranconteur, including the Cissy and Ada drag act (with ROY BARRACLOUGH), the "Ey up! It's the wife's mother!" gaggery and the badly-played/exploding piano stunts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IS SO FAT THAT WHEN SHE LIES AROUND THE HOUSE, SHE LIES *AROUND* THE HOUSE"
BONKERS FRENCH space cartoon seen briefly on holiday weekdays (see ROBOSTORY) concerning the tribulations of two rival races: Professor Shadokko's Shadoks (who were a bit dim, but hard), and the Gibies (who were intelligent but feeble), plus a king who consigned miscreants to a sort of bottomless pit thing, one of the races living on a strange flat planet that, if there was not an equal number of creatures on each side, they sank through it, and a shipful of pirates who, on encountering the edge of the world, scooped up sea from the back of the ship and passed it forward by bucket-brigade, thereby enabling them to sail across the cosmos. Eventually they reached Earth.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NARRATED, HELPLESSLY, BY KENNETH ROBINSON
SHANG-A-LANG
(EARLY 1970s)
ITV
THE BAY CITY ROLLERS Show. Les, Woody and the Longmuirs played their hits to a box full of screaming girls in a very small studio. They also invited some of their pop pals along too. C'est tout.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MILD DIVERSIONS CAME FROM THE EVER-AWKWARD WOODY
THE SHARI LEWIS SHOW
(1970s)
BBC
FEMALE VENTRILOQUIST no longer with us who garned her own variety specials on the strength of the over-cute Lamp Chop: a knitted sheep which spoke in a small voice with hideously contorted woollen mouthshapes. Second banana and dual druggy pun was Charlie Horse. Dated very quickly indeed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...VISIBLE MOUTH MOVEMENT INDEX: ABOUT 50%
SHARON AND ELSIE
(1984-85)
BBC
YET ANOTHER wretched mid-80s sitcom with woeful sit and even worse com. Here were JEANETTE BEVERLEY and BRIGIT "THELMA" FORSYTH, the latest original odd couple since the last one, encountering trouble galore in their greetings card store.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RETURN TO SENDER. PLEASE.
A SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH
(1977-81)
ATV
FORGOTTEN SITCOMMAGE with DAVID "LUCKY FELLER" JASON doing the put-upon outsider schtick a la LES DAWSON in THE LONER). Also featured RICHARD "MEGAVISION" WILSON and ALUN ARMSTRONG, and those Mel Calman cartoons in the titles.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AMERICAN VERSION STARRED THAT WELL-KNOWN PUT-UPON OUTSIDER, DICK VAN DYKE
ULTIMATE ABOUT-NOTHING British sitcom bedecked with fantastic whistle-along theme (courtesy of RON "DR WHO" GRAINER) and on-screen titles which looked like someone was writing them on the screen as you watched. An appropriately low-key overture to what followed: louche suburban sarcastic degree-wielding dole-wallowing Thatcher-baiting life-hating put-upon-pedant James Shelley, aka HYWEL "PERCY" BENNETT, sitting around and mouthing off. Early years found our hero alternately running from and running amok with girlfriend Fran (BELINDA SINCLAIR) and dodging the machinations of landlady Mrs Hawkins (JOSEPHINE TEWSON). Had a baby, hotfooted it to America for a bit, then came back to lodge with, sequentially, a pair of Yuppie caricatures and DAVID RYALL. Always worth watching, for the casual swearing alone. Ultimately sank along with Thames TV itself, which seemed somehow fitting.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?" "MR. SHELLEY!"
ALL-ENGLISH-LIFE IS here Sunday night village affair, created by FRANCIS ESSEX and served up while you were doing the pots courtesy of supposed pop star ROBIN NEDWELL, his missus DIANE KEEN, the Obligatory Barking Mad Retired Sergeant Major LIONEL JEFFRIES, BERNARD CRIBBINS - here playing yet another scruffy tinker - and JACK "GERROFF!" DOUGLAS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RUSTIC
SHINE ON HARVEY MOON
(1982-85)
CENTRAL
DOE-EYED POST-WAR bittersweet comdram, forever on a Friday night, created by an on-form Marks and Gran. KENNETH CRANHAM was your eponymous discharged ex-Tommy, walking back into an East End where everyone thought he'd copped it as an RAF handyman in Bombay. Unfortunately for him this means his other half MAGGIE STEED is "carrying on" with American GIs left, right and centre, while daughter LINDA ROBSON is "carrying on" with - yikes - NIGEL PLANER, and his nan just sits about moaning. Fortunately for Harvey, and us, the writers remembered to pack some punchlines. Unsurprisingly PAULINE QUIRKE was involved, failing to get blown up by one of the man unexploded bombs which played supporting roles. Otherwise, a way above average excursion into no-audience period gaggery.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...1995 REVIVAL "DID A PERRIN"
TAKE COVER! It's SHIRLEY "NO DOUBT ABOUT IT" MACLAINE as a newspaper photographer in a rotten comedy that no-one remembers except the ghost of LEW GRADE. When chasing Shirl for the series, Lew decided on the personal approach and turned up at her house having prepared a practical joke. "I took one arm out of my jacket sleeve, put it behind my back, and then rang her doorbell. When she came to the door I said, 'Look. I've just been with your manager. He's worked out a deal and it's cost me my arm.' She roared with laughter and said, 'OK, Lew, I'll do the series.'"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THAT LEW, EH? HE CERTAINLY WAS, AHEM, 'ARMLESS
CRAPLY ANIMATED capers of footwear with predictable personalities, i.e. the boot was a policeman. Needling theme tune went "Sh-sh-sh-shoe people" over and over again. Sh-sh-sh-shoved out on TV-am during one of its periods of neverending industrial action.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SH-SH-SH-SHIT
THIS IS more like it. Erstwhile computer programmer turned - via a nervous breakdown - private detective (very 1970s) TREVOR EVE pounds the streets of Bristol in bootlace ties and scruffy suits rumbling shysters, ne'er-do-wells and fraudulent aristos, before skulking off to his leaky houseboat for an evening making endless doodles. Superb snapshot of its time and, thanks to Trev, one of the most sympathetic and plausible telly crimestoppers ever. Got most of his cases thanks to a phone-in on the then-fictional, now-real Radio West, run by a permanently discomfited MICHAEL MEDWIN and receptionist looker LIZ "DAUGHTER OF LESLIE" CROWTHER. Barrister half-girlfriend DORAN GOODWIN helped with the paperwork and making his dinner. Created by ROBERT BANKS STEWART who, when Trev legged it to avoid being pigeonholed as a moping new wave loner, took the nuts and bolts and turned it into BERGERAC.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ACE OPENING TITLES BASED AROUND SQUIGGLY RADIO WAVES
AFFABLE, NOTHING-TOO-COMPLEX popular science effort, blessed with studio audience but also a very restrained atmosphere as befitted the Beeb of that time (compare and contrast DON'T ASK ME). JOHN CRAVEN and MAGGIE PHILBIN were your bland yet competent interlocutors for a variety of bespectacled, overdressed experts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HOW MANY SIDES HAS AN EGG?
WRETCHED SMALL-SCREEN half-sibling of HEIDI. Similarly badly-dubbed, similarly never-ending and similarly peopled-by-ugly-kids "fable" dealing with the plight the titular dirty-faced tinker (PATRICK BACH), one of those Romany circus-boy types who only seem to exist in Enid Blyton books or foreign imports. Convinced his mother is a famous trapeze artist (naturally), Silas first tames, then steals, a black horse from his farmer master. Befriending a couple of other kids (Godik and Jenny) and fleeing from the evil "Shrew", he proceeds to embark upon a series of smuggler-thwarting adventures only slightly shorter in duration than the 100 Years War and all of them equally depressing. Sappy denouement, with Silas adopted by a rich family, bizarrely deflected by the return of Godik (on a grey horse) and the pair, erm, riding off into the sunset.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHEN'S PAGES FROM CEEFAX COMING BACK?"
ONLY A few episodes of this son-and-dad reunioncom wankery were shown over here, usually just after Children's ITV had finished. RICKY SCHRODER was the uber-geek kid, JOEL HIGGINS his millionaire manchild father with the trainset going all over house a la Mr Burns. JASON BATEMAN was in it for a while. Enough said.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DAD WAS CALLED EDWARD STRATTON III
LIKE THE above, ubiquitous for a while over there, rarely glimpsed if at all over here. Eponymous siblings A.J. and Rick live in San Diego running a private detective agency. Embodiment of chalk and cheese: A.J. (JAMESON PARKER) very refined, into classical music and polo shirts, while Rick (GERALD MCRANEY) is the Rough Diamond, driving shitty pick-up trucks with his dog Marlowe. Served in Vietnam (naturally) before settling down to open PI business. Their mum was always coming around to see how they were doing.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BACK WHEN THERE WERE AMERICAN SHOWS ON UK TELLY EVERY NIGHT
SIMON AND THE WITCH
(1987-88)
BBC
ONE OF those not-quite-toddler, not-quite-teenager programmes you'd get in the 4.20pm slot. 15 minutes of faffing about with mop-topped HUGH POLLARD as Simon, ELIZABETH SPRIGGS as the witch and JOAN SIMS as posh Lady Fox-Custard who was always being tricked by the other two. Second series also included Italian restaurant owner Valdini, played by CJ ALLEN. Opening titles had the characters lamely holding bits of card with their names on.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CLOSING TITLES BLESSED WITH ETERNALLY IRRITATING SEQUENCE OF OUR 'HEROES' DANCING DOWN A LANE
SIMON IN THE LAND OF CHALK DRAWINGS
(1977)
THAMES
BOG-STANDARD CARTOON kid makes with the "special" chalk to create a magical black-background world of his own. Overshadowed at the time by the similar JAMIE AND THE MAGIC TORCH, perhaps because chalk drawings are not as interesting as a unicycling policeman.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WELL YOU KNOW MY NAME IS SIMON, AND THE THINGS I DRAW COME TRUE"
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