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SAILOR to SIMON IN THE LAND OF CHALK DRAWINGS
SIN ON SATURDAY to SPY FORCE
SPYTRAP to SYKES
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ODDLY-THEMED ESPIONAGE quiz show for two teams of kids. BILL "I OUTRANK YOU, MAINWAIRING!" PERTWEE and BILL "GNOBALLIB" HOMEWOOD (see THE ADVENTURE GAME) hosted various rounds nicked from other shows as well as general running about, sit-ups and film observation, all in the conceit of training the kids to become spies. Ripped off by BBC3 almost 20 years later, and even less people watched.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE LINE "SWING ALONG TO THE SWEATROOM FOR SOME PUNISHMENT WITH PERTWEE" INTRODUCED THE ODDEST ROUND, WHEREIN BILL P WOULD MAKE THE BOYS DO PRESS-UPS (OR THE GIRLS SIT-UPS) FOR ONE MINUTE. NOT YOUR STANDARD GAME SHOW FARE
SPURIOUS SITCOM hastened out in the 4.45pm slot about a single mother (JANET KEY) of many kids taking on a lodger (sixties crooner JOHN "CUPBOARD LOVE" LEYTON) who then tries to make out he and she are married in order to fool his visiting long-lost dad (RAYMOND HUNTLEY). As family and lodger can't stand each other, much unamusing awkwardness ensues.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SHOW'S TITLE MARGINALLY LESS IMPENETRABLE THAN THE STORYLINE
JOE BROWN, sans Bruvvers, mugged his way through this outsize snakes and ladders game. Sat cheek by Cockney jowl with RUNAROUND in the wacky Lahndener host stakes.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SO, THERE'S THIS GEEZER, AND 'E WALKS INTO THE BOOZER..."
OFFICE POLITICKING over-easy. Penned by ERIC CHAPPELL off the back of his days spent as, hey, a travelling auditor with the East Midlands Electricity Board, which became the fictional accounts department of the International Rentals television hire company. BERNARD HEPTON was the evil boss, KEN JONES, PATSY ROWLANDS, ALAN DAVID, ELLIS JONES and KARIN MACCARTHY his five underlings. Much treasury tag turmoil ensued. Later episodes penned by KENNETH COPE and - yikes - PHIL REDMOND.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DEPENDABLE FRIDAY NIGHTER
STAINLESS STEEL AND THE STAR SPIES
(1981)
THAMES
ONE-OFF SCI-FI kids sitcom by GRAY "WICKED WILLIE BOOKS" JOLLIFFE about a bunch of alien robots (led by the titular Steel) taking over the Earth, and battling ANNA "ON THE BUSES" KAREN and DERYCK "PLEASE SYKES!" GUYLER (as a vicar) in the process. Live action and puppetry posed no problem for producer VERITY "WHO" LAMBERT.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...A NEW YEAR'S DAY "TREAT", SAID TV TIMES
STANDBY! LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!
(1985)
US FILM magazine, a sort of yank CLAPPERBOARD with - yes! - an awkward LEONARD NIMOY in the be-sweatered Chris Kelly role. Content of the behind-the-scenesery of as Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid ilk.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SO VERY TIRED
IN TRUTH the only thing worth saluting about this jumped-up jumpsuitery were the commendably non-unrealistic visual effects and models of Sir MAT IRVINE. Rest of the intergalatic detective capers were barely a notch about CAPTAIN ZEP.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WE MUST FIND WHOEVER DISCONNECTED THE AIR SUPPLY TO THE ESCAPE POD" YES, AND GIVE THEM A MEDAL.
THUNDERBIRDS ANTIDOTE of uncertain Euro-Japanese origin, peopled by, in order: ppa: perfectly-programmed android, resembled LED "gobbler"; Shiro Hagen: silver helmet hero boy; Dr Benn: intense dude with beard (gets stung to death by genetic abomination); John Lee: Fat dude; Barry Hercules: Black dude with microphone foam style hairpiece; Princess Lamia: aka Project X-01, supreme being in universe, found on Mars in a cot, protected by hairball thing; Commander Makara: evil bitch with giant starship packed with insectoids, favourite catchphrase: "aaaaiee! retreattt!"; Orion: Makara's whining sidekick - had scary insect eye implant built into his skull; the Imperial Master: scary head honcho, got twatted in final episode; Guy: space pirate, floats about in silver space galleon. The only salvation for the universe is the X-Bomber, a groovy spaceship invented by Dr. Hagen, Shiro's dad. X-Bomber design is, erm, x-shaped but cool. Super ship weapon is called the "X-Force". Uses up all ship power but kicks imperial ass. X-bomber also carries 3 utility fighter ships, flown by Shiro, John and Barry. They link up in space to form Di-X, a giant space-robot thing which all kids loved to see join up and go twat some insects. From out of all this was fashioned a plot. The Imperial Master has plans on taking over earth. Sends his baddie commander, Makara to beat the shite out of Earth's forces. Earth Star Fleet is utter mung compared to Makara's weaponry. Then X-bomber gets scrambled from moonbase and proceeds to deck Makara's mothership, despite the fact that X-bomber is teeny small in comparison. Rest of series continue in similar vein, introducing more and more big alien baddies, revelation that Lamia holds key to domination of universe, death of Dr Benn, alien "hangar" craft that resemble pregnant queen bees (cool!), much space warfare. Just what growing kids like to see! Funny episode: where they all get "space cold" and are covered in way-out snot. Certainly beat the wooden shit out of Terrahawks. Hard metal soundtrack covered by Eddie Van Halen AND Brian May.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SEND A MESSAGE OUT ACROSS THE SKY/ALIEN INVADERS JUST PASSED GEMINI!/WHO ON EARTH CAN SAVE US NOW?/WHO CAN PROTECT US FROM THEIR POW-ER?/STAR FLEET, STAR FLEET, OOOH-OOOOH"
CUNNINGLY SEARCHING for a rival to IT'S A KNOCKOUT during that strange period when Stuart Hall held dominion over the continent, Thames hit upon the notion of an "all-star" version, hosted by MICHAEL ASPEL, at a time when such a vehicle was deemed a step up from ASK ASPEL. So you got a load of ITV celebs taking on one another: can Bill Maynard fill the bucket of water while pushing Lorraine Chase along in a wheelbarrow, or will he be beaten by Mick Robertson? That was the size of things, although the memory of a big tug-of-war as the regular finale lingers uneasily in the mind. Anyway, the annual Christmas Day final was largely ignored in favour of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the other side, and the way was soon clear again for Eddie and his "fil rouge".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ASP SHOULD NEVER HAVE MUDDIED HIS HANDS
ROLE-REVERSAL SPACE drama set on a planet where the women were in charge a la The Worm That Turned, led by JUDY "DANGER UXB" GEESON. GARETH "BLAKE" THOMAS was a rebel (again) trying to get off the planet. Co-produced with West Germany. The country survived longer than the series.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO TERENCE "BERGERAC" ALEXANDER, GRAHAM "PECULIAR PRACTICE" CROWDEN AND ANNA "BRAVO" CARTARET
KIDS CHARADES programme presented by the mighty BERNARD CRIBBINS. Essentially GIVE US A CLUE with added rounds to mime things in the manner of certain adverbs, theatrical genres, TV series and so on. For the record, after the preliminary charades, they'd get on to the Ivor Notion whodunnit, with each "celebrity" playing a part while wearing an appropriate hat. Bernard himself was always Ivor and wore a deerstalker, which he'd turn 90 degrees in the middle of the abovementioned timeless phrase :"Suddenly, Ivor Notion" - turn hat - "had a notion"...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONE EPISODE BOASTED A "CARRY ON" TEAM WITH KENNY AND BABS
STARGAZY ON ZUMMERDOWN
(1978)
BBC
RETARDED FUTURE British community indulges in an annual gathering where the village folk swear and throw vegetables at each other. Presumably there was some point being made but we don't remember it too well.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AMONG THE LEEK JAVELIN HURLERS: ROY MARSDEN, PEGGY MOUNT, JACK HAIG, ROY "MICHELLE" DOTRICE AND MISS TONI ARTHUR
KEIR "2001" DULLEA starred in this bonkers effort about a space ark (looking like the Valley Forge off Silent Running) carrying survivors from Earth which has forgotten its origins, or something. Creative staff originally included SF authors Ben Bova (as tech consultant) and Harlan Ellison (the show's original creator, represented by a pseudonym in the credits). All three pissed off at various points in the production, for very good reasons. The show was originally intended for sale to Lew Grade (ATV/ITC) but the producers decided to go really cheap and wound up doing it in Canada (also trying to avoid a US TV writers' strike going on at the time). Ellison's original script won top honors that year from the Writer's Guild of America. He's said in print it was worth losing the $70,000 profit, just to see the show go in the tank.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CHEKOV TURNED UP AT SOME POINT AS A WOBBLY SPACE BLOKE
STARS AND GARTERS
(1963-66)
ASSOCIATED-REDIFFUSION
ONE-OFF DOCUMENTARY about pub entertainers for A-R the previous year gave way to this pub entertainment miscellany, with the likes of Kathy Kirby, Queenie Watts and Tommy Gowers for the laughter and song, all set in a pretend hostelry. Your compere, ladies and gentlemen, RAY MARTINE...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SMOKERS WELCOME
STARS OF THE ROLLER STATE DISCO
(1984)
BBC
ONE OF those "Hey! A metaphor for life itself!" plays set in a weird roller disco where the kids (PERRY BENSON and CATHY MURPHY) hang out and fail to be employed by a computer which watches over them at all times. Written by MICHAEL HASTINGS, directed by ALAN CLARKE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EVENTUALLY MURPHY GOT A (SHITE) JOB OFF THE COMPUTER AND PISSED OFF
STARS ON SUNDAY
(1969-79)
YORKSHIRE
SUNDAY EVENING. The 1970s. Tinned peaches with Dream Topping. Battenburg. On the telly, your choice was sedate GEOFFREY "WINNER TAKES ALL" WHEELER fronting SONGS OF PRAISE on BBC1, or this atheist-baiting horrorfest on ITV, with the egregious JESS YATES in charge, introducing guests of the calibre of MOIRA ANDERSON and various harpists to faintly religious effect. Jess got his marching orders in 1974 following tabloid coverage of his relationship with showgirl Moira Kay; various guest presenters took over, Deayton-like, for the rest of the decade including WILFRED PICKLES, ROBERT DOUGALL, CLIFF MICHELMORE and GORDON JACKSON.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JESUS WEPT. LITERALLY.
STARSKY AND HUTCH
(1976-81)
AARON SPELLING
PAUL MICHAEL "RUNNING MAN" GLAZER and DAVID "SIX FIFTY FIVE SPECIAL" SOUL landed on their arses, drove through boxes, had fistfights whilst holding guns, reported to BERNIE HAMILTON, and got fashion tips from top pimp ANTONIO FARGAS as Huggy Bear. Back when BBC1 wasn't afraid to bundle out imports in primetime. Or rather, couldn't afford to do anything else.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TOP SOUNDTRACK BY "THERE'S A WHOLE" LALO SCHIFRIN
YET A further kids' quiz show needlessly complicated by a cumbersome "space" theme. Three children are interrogated by the titular alien in an elaborate-yet-naff headdress (ROGER "MATHSCORE" SLOMAN) and his sidekick DR SYLVESTER McCOY (again). Two things stood out - the entrance of the participants through one of those "amazing" blue laser/dry ice tunnels of light so beloved of "classy" nightclubs of that era, and a stupid round in which the contestants were asked questions (always "What was Paul Young's first single?") while trying to stay on one of those bucking-bronco machines (tarted up for the occasion and called "the Grunderhunter" on the power-addled whim of some duff junior producer).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO ATMOSPHERE, JUST LIKE THE REAL THING
BOLLOCKING MIDDLE school multicultural science show with much bunsen burners, anhydrous copper sulphate, trundle wheels and tickertape timers. Odd burbling tuneless electro theme accompanied Yellow Submarine-style hand/face thing in a woolly hat rushing about the screen.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CLOSING THEME WAS AN EVERYBODY HERE!-TYPE MULTILINGUAL EFFORT: "START HERE! COMMENCEZ PAR ICI!" ETC.
STARTING OUT
(1982-84)
CENTRAL
SUB-PUNKY THEME tune introduced educational wank for 16 plusses. Various kids have "rites of passage" troubles - sex, booze, stacking yogurts in the supermarket. They probably thought they were informing and liberating a generation of kids. Were they fuck.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NEW STOCK AT THE BACK, OLD STOCK AT THE FRONT SO IT SELLS QUICKER!" THERE'S A THOUGHT
THE STEAM VIDEO COMPANY
(1984)
THAMES
POINTEDLY GIVEN the classification "FARCES" in Mark Lewisohn's RT Comedy Guide, here were WILLIAM FRANKLYN, BARRY CRYER, BOB TODD, MADELINE SMITH and JIMMY MULVILLE in a brilliantly-written Marshall and Renwick spoofathon. Only six were ever made, presumably because nobody at Thames knew what to make of episodes like I Was Hitler's Bookie, Amityville II - Luton Town 3 and, best of all, The Fall Of The House Of Franklyn. Superb all the same.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER, YOU'RE BOB TODD IN A DRESS!"
STEPPING STONES
(LATE 1970s)
YORKSHIRE
YOUNG 'UNS lunchtime stories and songs miscellany, introduced with the ubiquitous "Stepping stones, stepping stones, one and two and three..." chant and presented by, among others, KEITH "LINDA!" BARRON, VICKY IRELAND and ELIZABETH "SARAH JANE" SLADEN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TALKING SOCK PUPPET PROBABLY INCLUDED
STEPTOE AND SON
(1962-1974)
BBC
TWO MANKY men shout at each other, first in black and white, then in colour.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."EEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH"
STIG OF THE DUMP
(1981)
THAMES
MODERN TRACKSUIT and cagoul kid finds prehistoric stoneage tyke in ostensibly "classic" fantasy. Stig (KEITH JAYNE) lives at the bottom of a chalkpit in Kent a pit into which locals have tossed their rubbish for years. It's refuse to them but, ho ho, not to Stig, who has turned some of it to "good use", contriving a water-supply with a bicycle mudguard, a vacuum cleaner tube and a tin that once contained weedkiller. Young Barney (GRANT ASHLEY WARNOCK) discovers Stig and comes to believe that his new friend is in truth a caveman who has somehow contrived to live, undiscovered, in the dump since prehistoric times one billion years ago. Historical and educational voracity of this theory are unclear. Viewers remain confused at one child's fondness for a dirt-smeared vagabond.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HE LIVED "JUST UNDER THE OLD BLUE CAR"
STILGOE'S ON/STILGOE'S AROUND
(1984-85)
BBC
HE'S BACK! Absent from this A-Z for a criminally lengthy period (though still plenty of time to rustle up a few anagrams and musical skits) it's Rich and his twin-tracked approach to revitalising mid-80s childhood. First up was the man's guide to what to do when "imprisoned indoors, feeling pale and wan" thanks to it pissing down with rain or, somewhat melodramatically, "you've contracted a chill and you're feeling so ill that you're making your will". Basically, a show about hobbies, pastimes, idling and time-wasting. Ace. Each show found Stilgoe in a "house" filled with, erm, groups of kids who he moved between like a primary school teacher with the rubber scissors and staple gun. Sequel, obviously inspired by BBC brainstorm of surname puns, tackled lifestyle "issues" like how to tie a tie.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STILGOING STRONG ON THE AFTER DINNER CIRCUIT
ANYTHING CAN happen in the next half dozen observations. As long, that is, as it involves lengthy shots of that mechanical fish thing leaping up and down above the sea's surface, enigmatic sideways glances from mute mermoid Aqua Marina, equally lengthy shots of that big floating skyscraper on stilts thing folding itself away at a moment's notice, Troy Tempest skipping along the sea bed in a giant goldfish bowl, a few over-sized model clams mooching alongside real guppy fish, and some stuffy bon mots swapped betwixt principal characters over cigars just before the end credits. Was that half a dozen?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MARRRINNNNA! AQUA MARRRINNNA!"
RADIOPHONIC WORKSHOP-SATURATED premier league haunted house caper about raising old spooks in a Motley Hall-esque mansion by "playing" the walls with electric detectors to hear the past events in the house. NIGEL KNEALE wrote; JANE ASHER starred, first as herself, then as a pile of bricks.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS: PLEASE GO AWAY"
KID GANGS from the Clyde arse around a bit on obligatory patch of waste ground. Eponymous bruiser (DAVID MCKAY) discovers mysterious package in river. Does he help the law or abandon his mates to the machinations of Glaswegian gangsterites?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TENSE SUB-PLOT INVOLVED, ERM, BUILDING OF BIRD-WATCHING "HIDE"
STOP THAT LAUGHING AT THE BACK
(1987)
GRANADA
NOISY SKETCHATHON for kids with a "parents eh? Cuh!" theme featuring then hot property PAUL BRADLEY, Radio Active's MICHAEL FENTON-STEVENS and Mrs. Chris Morris JO UNWIN. Result: halfway between YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T LIKE IT "punk" and FAST FORWARD pleasantness. With spoof advice column 'Aw, I'm Not Doing That'. And regular "guests" Hue And Cry.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LABOUR OF LOVE
STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN
(LATE 1970s)
ATV
CHRIS TARRANT'S uvular midlands thwack narrated a different "look at life" film each week. Iron refinery, dustcarts, coal mines and stenography. Much project work followed on after.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CAN YOU SEE THE BITS OF MOLTEN IRON FLOWING AWAY?"
JUST-AFTER-LUNCHTIME SPROGS show, focusing on a different area of the really quite fascinating country we live in and the wonderful activities that are activated within. To wit, people digging holes in roads, washing windows on skyscrapers using those giant swinging platforms, that sort of thing. Presented by usual kindly female presenter with child sidekick who was there to learn. "What's this called?" "A screwdriver..." "That's it, a screwdriver."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHEELS GO FAST, WHEELS GO SLOW
STOPPIT AND TIDYUP
(1987)
BBC/KEEP BRITAIN TIDY GROUP
BLARNEY BEDECKED ultra-2D cartoonery attempt to hammer home "don't drop crisp bags" message by stealth, with the aid of some burbling Corona-advert-style blobby creatures and avuncular "ee gads" narrative tones of SIR TERENCE OF WOGAN. Unlikely casting to be sure, seeing as how he was, according to a million crap ITV impressionists, "on telly all the time". Other characters included Isaidno, whose signature noise was a deep baritone belch, and Eatyourgreens. What that had to do with refuse collection is helpfully unclear.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS TERRY SAID TO HIS AGENT AFTER JUST ONE SERIES, BIN IT
POST-BLUE PETER but pre-Crufts, PETER "NATIONAL POWER" PURVES and NIGEL STARMER-SMITH helmed this dreary kids sports magazine, remarkable for its hatred of football and for preferring features on Sonia Lannaman or some obscure Irish table tennis player. RON "AND IT'S THE BIG MAN" PICKERING showed up pretty frequently, sweaty nipples thankfully not present (see WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."TIME FOR ANOTHER VISIT TO THE POMMEL HORSE"
STORYBOOK INTERNATIONAL
(1983-84)
HTV
WELL-MEANING EURO-BONDING co-production featuring various forgettable dramatised fairytales but blessed with a supremely non-forgettable title sequence: a camp Robin Hood cartoon minstrel with lute shambling about boasting of his international narrative prowess and insisting "Oi am the Storoytollor/And moi storois must be told..." Had a different alias for each country's production, apparently; in England he was, disappointingly, "John". ISLA BLAIR did the narration stuff.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND THAT'S HOW THE LEGEND OF PETITE JACQUES HORNIERE WAS BORN!"
THE STRANGE AFFAIR OF ADELEIDE HARRIS
(1979)
BBC
TWO VICTORIAN boys carelessly leave baby sister (Adelaide) in an orphanage in Georgian-era Brighton, in the hands of a boffiny, know-all boy in stripy trousers and a top hat. They then carelessly spend several weeks trying to get her back. FREDDIE JONES is on hand to shout and point and wave a gouty leg (called "Boot") at all and sundry. One scene featured a play being performed to a load of old straw-stuffed dummies who promptly came to life, scaring all five-year-old viewers shitless.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ORPHANS REFERRED TO AS "CHANGELINGS" IN RARE, IF EARNEST, EYE FOR PERIOD DETAIL
THE STRANGE REPORT
(1968-69)
ITC
YET MORE glossy glamour-heavy gluttony cooked up by LEW GRADE to sell to the Americans when they weren't looking. This time it's the exciting world of criminology that gets the trans-continental blue-screen blitz, in front of which the stupidly named Dr. Strange (ANTHONY QUAYLE) leads a crack investigative team comprising the standard issue token blonde glamourpuss (ANNEKE WILLS) and the token Yank (KAZ GARAS), forever being called into service by utterly-stumped authority figures then travelling to the scene of the crime in an unlicensed black taxi cab. Each episode given laborious "report" number, as in "Report 4407 HEART: No Choice For The Donor".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WELL BLOW ME, A STRANGE CASE INDEED!"
THE STRANGER
(1966)
ABC (AUSTRALIA)
OBSCURE OZ version of The Man Who Fell To Earth. Except many years before that, of course. A stranded alien in the outback going by the name of Adam Suisse gets befriended by headmasters' kids Bernie and Jean Walsh, and Peter. The alien's mate, Varossa, lives in the Blue Mountains, and takes the kids on a trip to their home planet, Soshunis. As so often in these things, the grown up world of government and media take against the aliens, but the kids, the headmaster and (eventually) the Aussie PM manage to bring peace. All done for six bob and twopence ha'penny.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MULTI-COLOURED CONTACT LENSES NOT FEATURED
THE RETURN of the inhaler-wielding, glove-toting, Shakespeare-spouting fop DCI George Bulman, still played by DON HENDERSON. Now stationed in Manchester, still paired with DS Derek Willis (DENNIS BLANCH), our man was juggling the pressure of working unfamiliar Northern beats and socialising with unfamiliar Northern sassy colleagues such as FIONA MOLLISON and FRANCES TOMELTY. Format was duly ripped up after two years to send Bulman back to London, now in the employ of MARK MCMANUS, before being ripped up again to send Bulman into, er, BULMAN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IT BEING GRANADA, DAVID "SCIENCE WORKSHOP" HARGREAVES WAS AN INEVITABLE PRESENCE
KNIGHT RIDER on two wheels. Super eighties bike designed by "federal agent Norman Tuttle" and ridden by Rex Smith went at four hundred miles an hour down country roads or something wanky like that. Silly "air brakes" (don't buses have them?) allowed it to do a 360-degree loop in mid air off a cliff edge, to land back on the cliff. Fought, naturally, crime.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PERHAPS SURPRISINGLY, GLEN A. LARSON NOT PICTURED
THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO
(1973-80)
QUINN MARTIN
OLD/YOUNG DETECTIVE schtick on the mean, uber-clean highways of California. KARL MALDEN was Sanfrancop senior, and the nascent MICHAEL DOUGLAS his college grad (naturally) partner.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RICHARD HATCH REPLACED MIKE FOR FINAL, WILTING SEASON
STRIKE IT LUCKY
(1986-94)
THAMES
"TOP, MIDDLE OR BOTTOM?" Screen-striking family Monday evening gameshow fun ably helmed by TROUBLED ENTERTAINER MICHAEL BARRYMORE at his most bendy-legged and condescending to the elderly, at times barely including questions and prizewinning opportunities for all the banter. Did anyone ever finish the end game successfully? Rubbish revamp in 1996 changed the name to STRIKE IT RICH to supposedly better emphasise the generosity of the prizes. "What is a Hot Spot not?"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."A GOOD SPOT!"
FOOTBALL-MAD SCOUSE tyke Harry (JOE GLADWIN) lived in a caravan with his hard-up Dad (GEOFFREY HINSLIFF) who just happened to be ex-football hero and amusingly-monikered "Striker" Dyker. Much of what ensued centred around Dyker Senior's reluctance to let his son get too involved in footie, because of the way an injury had ruined his own career. But young Dyker stuck with it, transforming the local youth team, impressing his mates with his ability to make "Liverpool" chip butties, and everything probably ended in a scene of Scooby Doo-style guffaws and general mateyness.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BASED ON TOME BY KENNETH COPE
STRONGER THAN THE SUN
(1977)
BBC
YET ANOTHER nuclear power catastrophe is in the offing when plant worker FRANCESCA ANNIS nicks some plutonium from a power station, goes mad, has a bath with it, and dies. A PLAY FOR TODAY from a STEPHEN POLIAKOFF script.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO FEATURING TOM "OUT" BELL AND MARK "ZAPHOD" WING-DAVEY
SHORTLIVED SITCOM with TIM "JEWEL IN THE CROWN" PIGOTT-SMITH as a Red Ken figure running the London borough of Southam and facing inevitable strife from his Tory rival, an inevitable upper class gent called Sir Bert.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRITING DONE BY PETER "NO, NOT TUCKER" JENKINS
THE STUD/THE BITCH
(1978/79)
BRENT WALKER
NEEDLESS TO say, we only include cinema-released films in this list if they're of a very, very high quality (see DIGBY, THE MEDUSA TOUCH, NEVER TOO YOUNG TO ROCK). And this pair of JOAN COLLINS epics represent possibly the apotheosis of Transatlantic disco cinema. Based on sister Jackie's novels, Stud stars OLIVER TOBIAS as a shagging disco manager (cue epic dance sequence to Odyssey's Native New Yorker) but finds the highlife all to much at a debauched drug orgy. Bitch has Joany wooing a mafia hitman (KENNETH HAIGH) and Quantum Jump provide the music. Works of genius, both, natch. Never has jet-set decadence seemed so... iffy.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME SONGS PRESENT AND CORRECT: THE STUD ("WHAT'S HIS GAME? WHAT'S HIS GAME?") AND BITCH ("GOD HELP THE MAN WHO GETS THE BITCH!") "DOES THIS GIVE YOU A HARD-ON?"
THE SULLIVANS
(1977-82)
GRUNDY
WARTIME UPS and downs of a down under nuclear family. Most kids never got past the opening "family photo" titles, with mischievous girl pulling down cap of boy in front, and dad looking like a miserable old sod. Grim, relentlessly grit-stained endeavours ensued. First glimpse on these shores of a proper Australian soap.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FEATURED KYLIE MINOGUE AS "CARLA, THE LITTLE DUTCH GIRL"
EX-PAT BRITCOM set on some remote island colony in the Med, the first thing to be written by DAVID NOBBS since PERRIN, and as such hugely anticipated. And as such it was hugely disappointing. Lashings of Little England cliches perpetrated by such hobbledehoys TERENCE "CHARLIE HUNGERFORD" ALEXANDER and GRAHAM "PECULIAR PRACTICE" CROWDEN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MUCH JOKING ABOUT GARDENER'S QUESTION TIME, THE CORRECT PLURAL OF "CACTUS" ETC.
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
RAKISH RELIGIOUS saccharine for kids bundled out against THIS IS THE DAY on the other side. Four young people - two boys, two girls - including leader JD, a stereotype boffin called "Boff" and two girls (one was TINA HEATH as, erm, Teena) met dressed in dungarees and would chat to each other in best 1970s youth worker style before then sitting down at a table whilst one would read a Bible story whilst the others joined in with specious comments like "...And didn't anyone help the poor man or was it just the Samaritan?". Then for a bit of fun they'd argue with a giant white mouse puppet called Mackintosh Mouse that lived in a cage and spoke in the broadest Scots accent on television in the entire 1970s. Then Boff would activate his special organ (as in keyboard) which would play the closing music. Over-ebullient opening signature tune ran: "Knocking on doors, opening windows/ finding out the way/ We are the Sunday Gang /There's a lot to be found around todaaaaay!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEE ALSO KNOCK KNOCK FOR SIMILAR DOOMED CHRISTCASTING
A YEAR or so after AD-LIB in roughly the same timeslot with roughly the same rough-looking cast came this "helping you to see the brighter side of life" kaboodle, with roughly the same results. Each week a different cast-member would sing a cheesy "chin up" song straight to camera. Each week audience succour was derived by switching off said song after the first three words.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND THE OUTLOOK: CANCELLATION
SCRATCHY ANDERSONIA from before Gerry worked out how to make the strings look less like massive fuck-off copper wires. This was his first foray into sci-fi, with the eponymous motor being able to fly, go underwater and drive faster than the speed of 1960s sound. Pilot, Mike Mercury, would be joined on missions by Professor Popkiss (thereby establishing the trend for at least one craply-named character in every Anderson series) and the stammering Dr Beaker (thereby establishing the trend for at least one freak in every Anderson series). Also aboard were irritating 10-year-old oik Jimmy Gibson and Mitch, a talking monkey. They were always up agaainst a master spy called, er, Master Spy. Voices done by the usual suspects, including Anderson's missus.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FIRST GERRY-ATRICS TO BE 'PRESENTED IN SUPERMARIONATION'
A SORT of WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS on wheels, this short-lived exercise pitted annoying kids from England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland against each other on quad bikes and, ahem, mini-hovercraft. Pleasure derived from seeing them crash did not offset the pain derived from watching such a boring programme.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SPONSORED BY HEINZ
MISTAKENLY HIT by some kind of ray thing, GUDRUN URE became a comedy Scottish granny with super powers. IAIN CUTHBERTSON was her nemesis, with the obligatory incompetent henchmen. There were some kids, too (you don't get away that easily) and a Professor. Sunday teatime depressant. Billy Connolly-screeched title song avowed she was stronger than "Iceman", "a bunch of fairies", would "cause a ruckus for BA Baracus" and had "more bottle than United Dairies" - four qualities it'd be impossible to boast about today on grounds of a) taste b) decency and c) utter incomprehension.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ROLL CALL OF UNLIKELY GUEST STARS INCLUDED CHARLES HAWTREY, GARY GLITTER AND PAUL SHANE
ALVIN STARDUST in glove and quiff presented this also-ran glam showcase with God on vibes and a heavy MIKE "CUE THE MUSIC" MANSFIELD involvement.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...YET ANOTHER STOP OFF FOR THE ROLLERS ON THE ROAD TO TRAINING BRA DOMINATION
LONG-RUNNING ATHLETIC championfest ranging around first the UK then Europe. Initially famous celebs from the sports world were featured (e.g. Bobby Charlton sprinting with dislodged hair strands, Kevin Keegan falling off a bike), but the show entered an imperial phase with the advent of the Superstar specialist athlete, most notably Olympic judo champion BRIAN JACKS of the "controversial" sliding squat-thrust technique and massive consumption of unpeeled oranges. DAVID VINE and RON PICKERING were your commentators. Revived in the new millennium to good effect, thanks largely to jocular JOHN INVERDALE behind the mike.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND IT'S LOOKING BAD FOR CAPES NOW"
ROTTEN BADLY-DRAWN romp that began life as a mascot for the South Wales Electricity Board and should've stayed there. Teddy bear in factory was found to have "something wrong with him" and thrown away "like a piece of rubbish". Then a "spotty man" brought him to life with "magic dust" and... well, you can see how desperate it all was. DEREK GRIFFITHS voiced the title role, JON P'TWEE was "Spotty", and ROY KINNEAR and MELVYN "HOT MUM" HAYES were fat/skeletal henchmen to Texas Pete. Effortlessly irritating.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHO'S THE BEAR WHO FLIES THROUGH THE AIR/LIKE A STREAK OF LEAD?" EH?
MASSIVE LUXURY Trans-Am train (complete with cocktail bar, swimming pool etc.) plays host to various thrilling incidents. Kind of like The Big Bus film of a few years before, but here they were being serious. Massive sets cost the earth, but no-one gave a toss.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BUCKLING
SURPRISE SURPRISE
(1984-97)
LWT
DEVISED BY JEREMY BEADLE as a new vehicle for himself, the bearded one pitched the concept to LWT who sat on it until he went on holiday and then secretly made a pilot with CILLA "HAT" BLACK, back in the big time following years of sprogging after putting in a memorable turn on WOGAN. Originally she was paired with CHRISTOPHER "SO GOODIE" BIGGINS and it was broadcast live, leading to Cilla bantering with JIM "NOSFERATU" ROSENTHAL one week about the following England vs Brazil match, which they didn't bother editing out when it was repeated on Granada Plus fifteen years later. Imperial phase Surprise didn't begin until the following year, when Biggins had been replaced by BOB "SOUTHBOUND" CAROLGEES. Later, a beauty contest of guest hosts linked the Searchline spot until viewers voted that GORDON "KRYPTON" BURNS had just the required gravitas to sit on a high stool and show sepia photos of old RAF troops. By this point it was top Friday or Sunday night big fuck-off LWT entertainment, stuffed with daft features like the Cillagram where, just to remind you who she was, Cilla would press-gang an unsuspecting punter in joining her in a relevant song (ie, Cilla turns up at a 64th birthday party to trill "Will you still need me...?", that sort of thing). Massive child interest centred around the absurd telephones that Cilla would use to ring up the following week's victims, a decade before Graham Norton. The final item would be a huge reunion between two people with hundreds of years and miles separating them, before Cilla would bellow either "The unexpected hits you between the eyeeeeeeeeeeees" or, later, "And the nicest surprise of all is youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu", with an instrumental break where she reminded us of how many tears had been generated in the past hour. Meddling in the nineties saw Bob and Gordon leave, and hence terminal decline, and when David Liddiment took over ITV he spent weeks denying he was going to axe it. Then he axed it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...KEPT ON COMING BACK AS ONE-OFF SPECIALS UNTIL ABOUT LAST WEEK, MIND
THE MOST internationally-acclaimed thing to come out of Norwich since the A11. Numerous forms of wildlife give birth, eat, sleep, fornicate and die on camera, usually in close-up, slow motion or preferably both. The likes of BRIAN BLESSED, DAVID NIVEN, ANDREW SACHS and ROBERT HARDY do running commentaries. Kept Anglia in business when NICHOLAS PARSONS quit. Just about still alive, unlike the majority of its subjects.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FLY-ON-THE-WALL OF FLIES ON THE WALL
SUPERBUG RAVAGES the planet leaving nothing but thick-set hairy hobbledehoys in its wake. Back when the idea of an out-of-control, unbeatable virus demolishing everything in its path wasn't weekly fodder for the Daily Express. TERRY NATION invented it after realising he'd never get any money for claiming he'd created the Daleks (it was Davros, everyone knows that). CAROLYN SEYMOUR and IAN MCCULLOCH were two of the titular old-timers, eating worms, building fires and arguing about free will. Encompassed, unbelievably, three series and appearances by PETER DUNCAN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NEVER MIND THAT RABBIT BROTH, WHAT WAS IT YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT COGNITIVE DETERMINISM?"
TEENAGE TRIBULATIONS from the early days of the Four, courtesy of adolescent AMANDA, played by NICOLA COWPER (later of DANGERFIELD "fame") and her daydreamy life. She spent most of her time reading photostory magazines; whenever she had a dilemma, the magazine's agony aunt Patti (PRUNELLA SCALES) popped up in a thought bubble to give her some dodgy advice, usually about how much better life would be if she got herself a boyfriend.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEE ALSO DEAR HEART FOR TEEN TRAUMA IN A WINSOME KEY
"I SOMETIMES hate this bastard place." Casually sweary, casually violent, casually clothed crotchety crimeathon that briefly passed into parody but the last time we checked had emerged out the other side pretty much unscathed. JOHN "REGAN" THAW and DENNIS "CARTER" WATERMAN belt round London in a succession of tatty cars and suits hunting "big tickles" and "monkeys" off the back of "gen" from "smudgers" and "snouts". Boss GARFIELD MORGAN inhabits world of bad shaves and old coffee cups.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHAT'S A CURSOR?" "SOMEONE WE NICK FOR OBSCENE LANGUAGE, GUV!"
PENELOPE KEITH is a building tycoon who shags an architect (CHRISTOPHER VILLIERS) while failing to erect much in the way of punchlines.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HE WAS SIXTEEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER, SEE?
SWANSONG OUTING for GENERATION GAME ringleader LARRY GRAYSON, by way of a frothy Sunday evening filler involving lots of reuniting childhood sweethearts and sub-MR AND MRS style "how much do you know about your husband" triflings. Much mention of Grayson's surreal regiment of imaginary neighbours (Everard, Slack Alice, Pop-it-in-Pete, Apricot Lil) for good measure.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND THEN, AS SO MANY TACKY OBITUARIES PUT IT, THE DOOR WAS SHUT FOR GOOD
MINIMALIST "LEARN to swim" lessons with RON PICKERING, plus a professional swimmer who wasn't David Wilkie or anyone properly famous, and the obligatory "kids of mixed swimming abilities" at a flashy, ultra-noisy pool. A damn sight better than the usual municipal effort the watching child would have at their disposal, with nary a stained Elastoplast or snapped polystyrene float in sight, but it remained largely unused for most of the show, as Pickering and swimmerblokey preferred to demonstrate the various strokes by getting a kid to do them in slow motion sprawled across a chair on the pool "concourse".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."TODAY! WE'RE! LEARNING! ABOUT! BREATHING!"
THE SWISH OF THE CURTAIN
(1980)
BBC
HAPLESS VARIATION on the "gang of kids with their own theatre/variety show" staple, employed so often because all stage school kids can really do is, yes, act out the parts of annoying stage school kids. This one had, among others, a pre-SUPERSTORE SARAH GREENE as one of the tap dancing, chirruping, mewling little pukers, which at least lifted it out of the mediorce and into the mellifluous.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND THEN TWO WEEKS LATER, THE PHONE RANG, AND IT WAS BIDDY BAXTER"
STALWART SITCOM written by Eric and starring Eric as 'Eric', a perennially bewildered everyman in the off-kilter suburban world of Sebastopol Terrace, with Eric's sister HATTIE JACQUES as 'Hattie', the sister of 'Eric'. Hmm. Peter the cuckoo clock, DEREK GUYLER as Constable Corky and nosey neighbour Mr Brown added to the derangement.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ACE BRASS BAND/TRUMPET-PLAYING-ITSELF TITLES
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