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2/3
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TABITHA to THICK AS THIEVES
THINK OF A NUMBER ETC. to TOM TOM
TOMFOOLERY to THE TYRANT KING
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THINK OF A NUMBER ETC.
(1977-1985)
BBC
THE MAN as far as TV science is concerned, JOHNNY BALL masterminded the THINK series as a cross between Carl Sagan and Max Miller, injecting buffoonery and humour into clear, informative themed shows which still had time to show the wonder of science.
The ingredients went as follows-
- A general theme (eg the body, light, gravity, computers etc.)
- An audience of kids
- A set of psychedelic cupboards lined with bright blue felt, onto which would be chromakeyed pre-recorded footage. For instance, Ball would go: "and in the fifteenth century, there was one man who understood all about astronomy. His name was Galileo" and fling open one set of cupboards inside which he would be seen, dressed as same in the appropriate set, launching into a wisecracking routine complete with cod-Italian accent and hyperactive mannerisms. Then the doors would close. "What a handsome chap!"
- A magic trick ("it's a trick!")
- Some really crappy puns
...Number was the basic original. ...Do It was vocationally-oriented, ...Backwards did one number a day from ten to one, and ...Again dispensed with the audience for a (slightly) more sober approach. All works of genius. He still does sell out tours to this day. With exactly the same puns.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...I'M A MYSTIC! AND HERE'S ME STICK!
SUPREMELY IFFY spin-off from seminal WELLES/COTTON/cuckoo-clock flick, now with MICHAEL RENNIE as totally different Harry Lime i.e. dull amateur detective (wrong) running import-export business (wrong) but in reality travelling the world and Shepperton Studios solving crime and snapping up pricey works of art (wrong wrong wrong). For a time the Beeb, pissed off with bad behaviour of Frost and co., scheduled it late Saturday nights where previously TW3 had "open-ended" arrangement. In response Frost would end each newly-curtailed edition of THAT WAS... with a full summary of entire storyline of following THIRD MAN episode, including denouement.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JONATHAN "LOST IN SPACE" HARRIS AND RUPERT "MAIGRET" DAVIES CARRIED HIS BAGS
THIS IS DAVID LANDER/THIS IS DAVID HARPER
(1988-1990)
CHANNEL 4
SPOOF INVESTIGATIVE reportery with a heavy dose of ROGER COOK-chiding, reworked from Radio 4's Delve Special which starred, as did DAVID LANDER, the delightfully shiny STEPHEN FRY in a blond wig. Earnest exposing of cover-ups and miscarriages of trivial justice that always transpired to be molehills not mountains. Titular David moniker passed, baton-like, to less appealing fellow Oxbridge simperer TONY SLATTERY for DAVID HARPER follow-up.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BOB WELLINGS TO MICHAEL GRADE ON BBC1'S OPEN AIR: "I SAW DAVID LANDER AND WASN'T VERY SURE ABOUT IT"; MICHAEL GRADE TO BOB WELLINGS: "YES, THAT'S WHY YOU'VE GOT YOUR JOB AND I'VE GOT MINE"
EARLY SUNDAY morning Christathon where audience were invited to join in, but only if equipped with "a bible, some bread, and a candle." Kwik-Save-style Evangelicism.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALTERNATIVELY, ER, GO TO CHURCH
THIS IS YOUR LIFE
(1955-64, 1969-94, 1994-2004, 2007-DATE)
THAMES/BBC/ITV
ORIGINALLY HOSTED by television's most ill-at-ease presenter (EAMONN ANDREWS), THIS IS YOUR LIFE is a behemoth of a television programme, an institution that has spanned decades, crossed channels, yet still has never been able to surmount that "I'll just flick over at the beginning to see if it's anyone interesting" lack of engagement by the watching populace. Each edition would invariably start with that wonderful fanfare, disingenuously called "Gala Performance" (but quite obviously written so that the viewer could accompany that four note opening salvo with a musical rendition of the show's title). After that, the camera would pan across to Andrews awkwardly hanging around outside a stage door, or just off set, preparing to present his menacing frame in front of one of light entertainment's leading figures. From thereon Eamonn (and later MICHAEL ASPEL and SIR TREVOR McDONALD) would recount a highly tweaked version of said celebrities life to date, usually featuring some old school years battleaxe-with-a-heart-of-gold, plus a pre-recorded message from the celeb's local boozer, in which friends and family not sufficiently interesting to be allowed through the studio door would indulge in a choreographed mass "cheers!" Each episode could also be relied upon to feature a genuinely interesting celebrity guest who we never got to hear from thanks to the fact they were already positioned on the opposing sofa when that week's subject was corralled onto the stage. Never much more than a super-charged THROUGH THE KEYHOLE, crossed with a dash of SURPRISE, SURPRISE, THIS IS YOUR LIFE nonetheless provided ageing celebs with a platform for the type of hoary old anecdotage previously confined to the AGM of the Grand Order of Water Rats, and for that we should be grateful.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OH MY WORD, IT'S NOT ME IS IT?"
THIS IS YOUR RIGHT
(1972-86)
GRANADA
CUE EXTENDED cymbal roll - it's LORD MICHAEL WINSTANLEY "championing your rights" in this nightly North West-only five-minute consumer bulletin which pre-dated WATCHDOG by, ooh, at least half a century and got broadcast every weeknight between NEWS AT 5.45 and CROSSROADS. No expense spared titles: show's name written out in military stencilling typeface. Always mixed up by six-year-olds with THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Later joined by sister programme "for our Asian viewers", Aap Kaa Hak on a Sunday morning.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...YES HE WAS A REAL PEER
THIS YEAR NEXT YEAR
(1977)
GRANADA
THAT OLD "successful corporate banker from the city (ROLAND HINES) who packs up and moves to the English countryside with his brother (MICHALE "BOON" ELPHICK)" chestnut. Cue asking directions from country bumpkins, stuck in car behind herd of cows on road, etc. VIRGINIA STRIDE was Hines' wife, left back in London to shag his business partner.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOPE, JUST THE ONE YEAR
DOG-EARED CASSOCK-RIPPER following Father RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN through 40 grim years of bible-reading and breast-fondling in Australian outback. Each episode about five hours long over a week or two on BBC1. "Young" Rich had grey hair by end of part one. BARBARA "BIG VALLEY" STANWYCK and CHRISTOPHER "EDELWEISS" PLUMMER gazed down their noses disapprovingly. Another enormously expensive show from nowhere. Holds slots number three and four in the all-time list of National Grid power surges. Probably.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CITED IN HOUSE OF COMMONS BY DOUGLAS HURD AS PROOF OF BEEB'S NAFFNESS
THE END of the world, Sheffield-style. Nuclear war followed by nuclear winter on the mean streets of Ecclesall. Lots of shit, piss, blood and vomit, including the demise of REECE DINSDALE. One of the most nightmare-inducing bits of telly you could watch as a kid in the 1980s. Utterly without relief, and even the aftermath is appalling: radiation victim, pregnant, gives birth to a hideous lump of flesh.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INCLUDES DEFINITIVE APPEARANCE OF LESLEY JUDD AS A FRANKLY UNLIKELY NEWSREADER ANNOUNCING THAT "EVIDENCE IS GROWING OVERNIGHT THAT THERE HAVE BEEN TWO NUCLEAR EXPLOSIONS IN THE MIDDLE EAST."
THREE LITTLE WORDS
(1976-84)
HTV WEST
INITIALLY DON MOSS, then ventriloquist RAY "LORD CHARLES" ALAN, fronted this wordy afternoon quizfest, the latter "aided and abetted" by his glamorous wife BARBIE (hmm). Couples conveyed mystery words to one other, by way of three related clue words (see?) For instance, if the mystery word was Egg, you might say Chicken, Boiled and Cup. Never far from becoming enervating. Adjudicator - Sue Anne Snook.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PISS. RIGHT. OFF.
A POST-TISWAS LENNY HENRY, pre-US TRACEY ULLMAN and, well, DAVID COPPERFIELD club together for a three-way averagefest of songs and sketches and jokes old and new. Henry perfected Nathaniel Westminster, Ullman did her dizzy bit and then went onto GIRLS ON TOP, while Copperfield did the old half-bride half-groom dressing up shenanigans. "GAGFAX" teletext joke section bewilderingly popular. Large chunk of show performed in '80s LE staple of a completely white studio.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I'VE GOT A FUNNY NAME. MY NAME IS SHEILA LEGDRIBBLE." IF THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH, YOU'RE IN!
THREE UP TWO DOWN
(1985-89)
BBC
MIDDLING MID-EVENING middlebrow stalwart, featuring opposing grandparents MICHAEL "BOON" ELPHICK and ANGELA "MANOR BORN" THORNE as rough and ready cockernee and refined Cheltenham snob thrown together for incompatible flatshare baby-sitting sitcom high-jinks and "will they, won't they - who cares?" sexual non-tension. Any watchability was mainly due to presence of proto-Hurley LYSETTE ANTHONY as Thorne's daughter.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CUE THE GAG ABOUT TAXIDERMY
THREE-TWO-ONE
(1978-87)
YORKSHIRE
.JPG)
HAND JIVER extraordinaire TED ROGERS flipped his wrists throughout this hour-long Spanish-derived mystery quiz rambling epic of an extravaganza, seemingly involving the whole Yorkshire Television studio complex every Saturday night and relying upon the most convoluted set of rules imaginable. Three dopey couples tried to outwit each other on the quest for a forrin oliday or a fitted kitchen (Moben, Schreiber etc.) while avoiding radio-controlled, red-nosed booby prize Dusty Bin. Fiendishly impossible rhymes, given by "guests" after they'd done their turn, were never guessed correctly. Many a bin won in this rather tight game show, mostly recalled for the way the Yorkshire logo would take off in flight at the very start of the opening titles. How would you have fared?:
Sample Clue: "The Arches Might Provide A Clue, Not Strolling But He's Going Too", accompanied by some sheet music.
Ted's Baffling Explanation: "Well the first three letters of arches might have been clue enough, but we also said not strolling but he's going too. Well if you take away HES from arches, all you have left is ARC. If you rearrange that with the sheet music, you're left with 'Music Maestro Please'. So what do think that means? Maestro! The British Leyland Maestro! You've won the car!" We didn't make that up.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MOST PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY THEY WON EARLIER..." "AND NOW, THE BRIAN ROGERS CONNECTION!"...
3-2-1...CONTACT!
(EARLY 1980s)
US SEMI-ED kid's show. Two girls, one boy in a sort of jollied-up loft apartment learn about "stuff", e.g. making volcano with cardboard, papier-mache and sherbet, or learning about death, decay and grieving for their lost "Crazy Uncle Harry". Old-school funk/rap theme.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WOW! SO THAT'S HOW A TRAIN WORKS!"
SUPERLATIVE ANTHOLOGY compendium of chills, curated by Avengers supremo BRIAN CLEMENS. Big names - HELEN MIRREN, DIANA DORS, DENHOLM ELLIOTT - battled mysterious storylines and idiosyncratic plots before having to face the ultimate foe: a surprise twist at the ending. Devils, dismemberments and dangerous liquids prevailed. An American character was usually on hand to help the US sales.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU DON'T WANNAE GO OUT ON THEM MOORS TONIGHT, MARK MY WORDS"
THE JEWEL in the popular Anderson crown, though we'd plump for CAPTAIN SCARLET and the psychotic SECRET SERVICE every time. But then we would say that. We don't need to go throught the roll-call of characters, do we? Suffice to say that 2 was the best 'Bird, and the little yellow Thunderbird 4 was the dullest (as driven by Gordon Tracy). The best episode, by general consensus, was the original "Fireflash" supersonic jet one where the undercarriage got stuck, and those specially-designed trucks had to be driven under the wheels. Oh, and the "Vault of Death" one, which was really just the old "don't touch the floor or the alarm'll go off" routine, but very well done (with loads of those giveaway "real hand" close-ups). "Thunderbird 6" was the feature-film-based Barnstormer biplane.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...T-BIRDS FANS SHOULD NOT VIEW THE ENTRY BELOW
UP IN ARMS bastardisation of the Gerry Anderson stringathon which was actually an in-name-only bog standard cartoon with a nifty computer title sequence which quickly gave way to the usual cack.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...USED COMPUTER ANIMATION FOR CROSS SECTION SHOTS OF VEHICLES; USED ATARIS FOR DIGITAL READ OUT SCREENS
THUNDERCATS
(1985)
TELEPICTURES/BBC
EARDRUM-RATTLING ENSEMBLE of busily-animated animal superheroes, with more than a nod to the likes of He-Man. Each week main man Liono, bruiser Panthro, brains Tigra, woman Cheetara, irritating brats Wileykit and Wileykat, and stupid comedy-relief-character Snarf wielded their superpowers to thwart mystical bandage-wearing Mum-Ra, before reconvening for a brisk discussion of what everyone had just learned. When they were on the move, so the theme tune informed you, they were "loose". Over a hundred episodes were made, each and every one in the DVD collection of Andi Peters.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ENEMIES GRUMBLED IN FEAR AND CONFUSION
TICKET TO RIDE
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
SUNDAY TEATIMERY featuring KEITH CHEGWIN and future squeeze MAGGIE PHILBIN visiting places of interest in a GO WITH NOAKES kind of way, except without the whinging.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE PROVIDED A FEW BOB FOR MACCA, IF NOTHING ELSE
TICKLE ON THE TUM
(1982-84)
GRANADA
"TICKLE ON THE WHAT?" Overweening whimsy for small children set in the shop of a stereotypical English hamlet (called Tickle) and touched by the string-picking hand of singer RALPH McTELL. A different professional character (postman, teacher etc) dropped by each week for the usual song 'n' story treatment. The milkman was played by KENNY LYNCH.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND THERE'S THE RIVER TUM!" DO YOU SEE?
ZEITGEIST-BOTTLING DOCUMENTARY on that hobbledehoy Norwegian explorer THOR "KON-TIKI" HEYERDAHL, in this one building reed boats to sail from the Middle East to Malaysia.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SPOILER: HE MADE IT...JUST
TILL DEATH US DO PART/IN SICKNESS AND HEALTH
(1964-74/1985-92)
BBC
EAR-SPLITTING BIGOTCOM which set out to ridicule the views of the central, West Ham supporting little Enoch, Alf Garnett (WARREN MITCHELL), and succeeded - justabout, if you could actually hear what was being said amidst all the bawling and gurning. Most episodes were mainly just front-room debates/slanging matches between Garnett and his left-leaning son in law and "randy scouse git" (ANTHONY "Prime Minister's father-in-law" BOOTH), and his wife UNA STUBBS. DANDY NICHOLLS, as the far-gone Mrs. Garnett, completed the squalid foursome. When they did venture outside, it was only to go to the pub, or for Garnett to fall out of a window (he spent one entire episode stuck there) or plummet downhill in a wheelshair. Top mouthing off choreographed by writer JOHNNY SPEIGHT. Michael Grade brought the whole melee back in the mid-80s for IN SICKNESS..., to deteriorating effect (literally in Nicholls' case).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!!!!!!!!!"
GALLUMPHING SHORT-LIVED drama boasting a FANTASY ISLAND -type format: weird train enabled passengers to go back in time to change the way crucial past events worked out. VINCENT PRICE was the demented bloke in charge; CORAL BROWNE stood on the footplate.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRING LEE "CATWOMAN" MERIWETHER TURNED UP AS "THE FIGURE SKATER"...
THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE
(1984-85)
BBC
ONE OF the many "side projects" essayed by NOEL EDMONDS during his 1980s besweatered behelicopted heyday. Basically a sit-and-talk affair wherein Noelly took a back to the year which housed their greatest achievement (subtext: you washed-up old sod) and talked about what else was going on at the time. STEVE DAVIS was one of the guests. Bet that really stretched the memory.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...UBIQUITOUS "TELEVISION FIRSTS" NO DOUBT EVER-PRESENT
THE TIME TUNNEL
(1968)
IRWIN ALLEN
MORE PSYCHEDELIC tomfoolery from the house of the Poseidon king. This was the one where an experiment - Project Tic Toc - that went wrong caused Tony Newman (JAMES DARREN) and Doug Phillips (ROBERT COLBERT) to tumble helplessly toward a new fantastic adventure each week, often in the American Civil War, watched by, yes she's back again already, LEE "CATWOMAN" MERIWETHER at the lab via a crazy op-art spirally thing. Ace opening bombastic narration: "Two American scientists are lost in the swirling maze of past and future ages, during the first experiments on America's greatest and most secret project, the Time Tunnel. Tony Newman and Doug Phillips now tumble helplessly toward a new fantastic adventure, somewhere along the infinite corridors of time." Are you listening, Russell T Davies?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...REGULAR QUANTUM LEAPS THROUGH THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT WERE VENTURED BY ALSO SUSAN HAMPSHIRE AND ROBERT DUVALL, TURNING UP IN VARIOUS COSTUMES
TATTY HALF-ARSED low budget DR WHO for kids that ran for six months non-stop then never came back. Two oiks with time-travelling capabilities - something to do with stepping in and out of bubbles - aided grown-ups in past and future world-threatening ecological escapades, including, on more than one occasion, themselves (surely breaking the Rules Of Time?). Unappealing leads were SPENCER BANKS (Simon Randall) and CHERYL BURFIELD (Liz Skinner), the former a Nerdy Boffin, the latter a Screaming Wimp. Blessed with six-episode bracketing titles like The Time Of The Ice Box and The Day Of The Clone. Quite good fun, but only if you were eight years old.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IN ANOTHER 'SLIP, ALL COLOUR EPISODES WERE DESTROYED BY, ERM, A CLEANER
NOTHING TO do with the above - though it might have made it more exciting - this was that infamous "blokes trapped in an office block with a computer which tries to kill them" escapade with JOHN TAYLOR. Yes, THAT John Taylor. Off Duran Duran, for fuck's sake.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MORE FUN THAN A VIEW TO A KILL, MIND (THE SONG AND THE FILM)
TINGA AND TUCKER CLUB
(LATE 1960s/EARLY 1970s)
ATV
FAIRLY ROUTINE irritating puppet-plus-annoyed-presenter kid show with (mostly) JEAN MORTON (mother of TISWAS party pooper GORDON ASTLEY) doing "redoubtable" as the supervisor of anarchic koalas Tinga and Tucker, plus mischevious Willy Wombat. The club proper encouraged vaguely religious altruistic behaviour for the kids (helping mummy, etc) a la THE SUNDAY GANG and KNOCK KNOCK. Pinky and Perky-style speeded-up voices emanated from the sub-Sooty glove things, a story was read, mini-mayhem ensued.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME SONG: "WOOMERANG BOOMERANG LOOK OVER THERE - IT'S TINGA AND TUCKER, THE TWO LITTLE BEARS"
TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY
(1979)
BBC
ALEC GUINNESS unearths a mole in the British Secret Service very very slowly, mostly by talking abstractedly about lamplighters and ju-ju men, while MICHAEL JAYSTON steals dodgy dossiers, GEORGE SEWELL watches the door, ANTHONY BATE worries about "the minister", BERYL REID gets pissed, SIAN PHILLIPS has a lie-in until the very last scene and Seymour off of LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE repeatedly lights a pipe. BERNARD HEPTON, TERENCE RIGBY and IAN RICHARDSON sweated. IAN BANNEN got chased through the Czechoslovakian woods by dogs. Oh, and Control (ALEXANDER KNOX) goes mental. A masterpiece.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I'VE GOT A STORY TO TELL YOU. IT'S ALL ABOUT SPIES"
OR, MORE properly, "HERGEEEEEEE'S ADVENTUUUUUUURES OF TINTIIIIIN!!!" bellowed by the announcer at the top of his voice at the start of each episode of this serialized Belgian cartoon. Quiffed boy reporter and yappy dog Snowy stumble on to some mystery (smugglers, kidnappings etc.) and enlist the grudging help of Captain Haddock ("Thundering typhoons!"), chinless Professor Calculus, and the bowler-hatted Thompson Twins (Allanah Currie not pictured).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BLISTERING BARNACLES!"
TISWAS
(1974-82)
ATV
.JPG)
"THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND THEN SOME
TJ HOOKER
(1983-85)
COLUMBIA/AARON SPELLING
LARDY LA cop rompery with the epicurean WILLIAM SHATNER (in "lid glued firmly on" mode), ADRIAN "BACHELOR PARTY and porn films, we hear" ZMED and HEATHER "SAMMY JO" LOCKLEAR. Inbetween the rolling off cars and earnest pacing through the cop shop, much pompous pontificating on the difference between right and wrong.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BETTER THAN TEKWAR, AT ANY RATE
TO THE MANOR BORN
(1979-81)
BBC
PUNNING TITLE and YES, MINISTER-type theme concealed ultra gentle aristocom with PENELOPE "MARGOT" KEITH as Audrey Fforbes-Hamilton, forced to move out of Grantleigh Estate by financial pressures. In comes Polish wannabe dandy Richard DeVere (PETER BOWLES). Cue uneasy relationship, muted romance, massive fuck-off viewing figures and ANGELA THORNE as Margot, er, Audrey's dippy best friend.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RADIO RE-MAKE IN 1997 FOUND PENNY PLAYING OPPOSITE...KEITH BARRON! TOGETHER AT LAST!
RACING DRIVER plus spouse plus wisecracking mother-in-law type Gertie Growler go up against different evil opponents each week in his souped up Thunderbolt Grease-slapper. Part of the ROGER RAMJET tradition. Quickfire gags aplenty, plus Smilin' Sid Schlock. Repeated endlessly at least up till the early 1980s.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."RUBBER BABY BUGGY BUMPERS?"
OBSCURE SHOW for boys presented by JEREMY CARRAD and JOHN EARLE with a roving reporter called Norman Tozer. The sinister Carrad (a sort of Nazi-looking Simon Cadell) was mad about Formula One and tried to make the programme a junior TOMORROW'S WORLD. He failed. Final episode showed Jeremy Carrad being blindfolded for a magic trick. Carrad was placed into a free standing cubicle with black curtains. Moments later the curtains were drawn back and lo and behold, no Carrad. The credits then rolled. Also present: Prof Eric Braithewaite; Tom Tom badges; and scary Serendipity Dog, with hinged jaw and flashing eyes, asking questions.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE CONSISTED OF...TOM TOMS!
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