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ONE OF those offbeat half-remembered cartoons produced by Rankin/Bass in conjunction with British cartoon studio Halas And Batchelo, the humour on the show centered around riddles, puns, and nonsensical jokes, with the titular Tom Foolery, a long-legged ball thing, a Yongy Bongy Bo, a chicken being hit by a jigsaw piece, all based around the poems of Edward Lear with characters such as Fastidious Fish and The Ubiquitous Umbrella Maker. "We're putting on the nonsense, The funny stuff and nonsense, with riddles, jokes and silly things, it's all Tomfoolery...."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BIBBEDY BOBBEDY, THAT MAKES GOOD SENSE, GOOD OLD NON-SENSE, BIBBEDY BOBBEDY, LADIES AND GENTS, PENNIES ARE PENCE, TO ME..."
THE TOMORROW PEOPLE
(1973-79)
THAMES
CREAKY BUT fondly remembered ITV kids sci-fi staple, tons better than TIMESLIP but still blessed with the inevitable posh kids/plot preposterousness double whammy. A clump of telepathic teens become Earth's first "ambassadors" to the Galatic Empire, in the process helping to avoid alien attack, stellar warfare and the like, thanks mostly to their uber-minds and ability to "jaunt" - teleport - from place to place. Given ultra-70s brand name: homo superiors. Hampered by appalling fashion taste, dubious adolescent moralising and obligatory "super computer" aka a talking flashing box called TIM. Evil shape-changing robot Jedikiah made bother for a while. Among the jaunters were NICHOLAS YOUNG (John), PETER VAUGHAN-CLARKE (Stephen), SAMMIE WINMILL (Carol), STEVE SALMON (Kenny), ELIZABETH ADARE (er, Elizabeth) and MIKE BELL off of Flintlock, briefly-fashionably teen boppers (er, Mike). PETER DUNCAN showed up as a gladiator, NICHOLAS LYNDHURST as a stormtrooper, KEITH CHEGWIN as a rebel and PETER DAVIDSON as an alien whose idea of earth culture has been entirely shaped by old TV westerns. Got steadily worse over the years, ending up with plots involving Hitler being reincarnated as a slug and the world being saved from an attack of balloons by the common cold. 1990s remake found Todd off of NEIGHBOURS one of the new brood, and was actually quite good.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THEY'VE SPOTTED YOU, STEVE! JAUNT FOR YOUR LIFE!"
TOMORROW'S WORLD
(1965-2002)
BBC
"WELL, IT worked in rehearsal..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOW EXISTS ONLY IN SADLY NON-FUTURISTIC SOUNDING "BRAND NAME" FORM
TOM'S MIDNIGHT GARDEN
(1968/1974/1989)
BBC
THRICE-ADAPTED SCHOOL library legend and lunchtime "reading club" fave. The PHILIPPA PEARCE-penned tome was first published in 1958, showing up on TV ten years later in black and white as part of the schools programme MERRY-GO-ROUND. Dramatised in three parts in colour in 1974, it was remade in six parts in 1989 in an almost flawless adaptation, infinitely preferable to the overproduced Narnia series of the same era. The story is well-known: 50s boy Tom (JEREMY RAMPLING in 1989) goes to stay with his Aunt Gwen and Uncle Alan Kitson somewhere in Cambridgeshire, expects boredom, finds the garden that only appears when the clock strikes thirteen, travels into the late Victorian era (60-odd years before), meets Hatty (CAROLINE WALDRON in 89), she gradually grows older while he stays the same age ("Time No Longer", "Exchange Time For Eternity"), they skate from Castleford (a fictionalisation of Cambridge, devoid of its university), to Ely, he disappears from Hatty's view on the way back, he fails to find the garden on his last night, and discovers that owner of the house Mrs Bartholomew (RENEE ASHERSON in 89) is in fact Hatty, in her old age. 1989's version, directed by CHRISTINE SECOMBE, captures the essence of the book, and remains one of the finest of its ilk ever made.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...'74 VERSION FEATURED SIMON TURNER, LATER TO SCORE DEREK JARMAN FILMS (AS SIMON FISHER TURNER), AND TO RECORD FOR EL RECORDS (AS THE KING OF LUXEMBOURG)
THE TOP HAT RABBITS
(LATE 1970s)
CEKSA TELEVISE
SHORT ANIMATED series of Czech extraction shown by the BBC depicting the adventures of two white rabbits named Bob and Bobby, often revolving around their disastrous attempts at taking on jobs more commonly associated with humans. Underpinned by an infuriating electric piano theme tune that repeated itself throughout the cartoon's duration.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE TOP HAT OF THE TITLE MADE ONLY FLEETING APPEARANCES
NEOLITHIC SWOTATHON, kicking off on radio in 1948, before inevitable cathode-ray crossover come early 60s. Early incarnation needlessly complicated, with GEOFFREY WHEELER and DAVID DIMBLEBY in opposing assembly halls setting questions in turn, before sensible single host option adopted later in decade. PADDY FEENY, JOHN EDMUNDS and JOHN DUNN also compered. Grammar-school only institution, with singular absence of "new" comprehensive representatives. Prize was simply "taking part", the swines.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JERKY QUICK-MARCH THEME TUNE THE BEST BIT
TOP OF THE POPS
(1964-2006)
BBC
"TOP OF the Pops, a new series for teenagers, will be based on the latest discs, mainly hits from the current week's top 20 or 30. In many cases you will meet the artists whose records are being played. They will mime their songs. This is a departure from normal BBC practice, but the rule is being relaxed because the purpose of the programme is to let you hear the discs exactly as recorded, though within the setting of a television programme. No artist gives quite the same performance twice, but what goes out in Top of the Pops is precisely what won the 'pop' the first place."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GIMME AT LEAST FIVE!"
TOP OF THE WORLD
(1982)
THAMES
BIG DEAL at the time. EAMONN ANDREWS fronts a whizzy satellite-based quizzer, pitting contestants from Britain, and on big screens, from Australia (contestant always sat in front of a big picture of Goonhilly Downs) and America.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PRIZE WAS A NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT ROLLS-ROYCE CORNICHE, WHICH THEY SHOWED TOOTLING ROUND KNIGHTSBRIDGE AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY
THE TOP SECRET LIFE OF EDGAR BRIGGS
(1974)
LWT
FORGOTTEN LINE on the scrappy first page of DAVID JASON's CV. Eponymous civil servant gets assigned to intelligence service in bureaucratic "cock-up". Predictable fish-out-of-water anecdotery follows.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...A HUMPHREY BARCLAY PRODUCTION
TOP SECRET/I'VE GOT A SECRET
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
MIDDLE OF the road panel game. Guests came on with "secret" (either heroic - "I saved fifty horses from the great Northampton flood" or 'amusing' - "I urinated on Princess Margaret"), which celebs had to guess, WHAT'S MY LINE?-style. Hosts BARRY TOOK and TOM O'CONNOR respectively.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IS IT SOMETHING TO DO WITH TREES?"
TOPPER'S TALES
(EARLY 1980s)
ITV
IFFY JACKANORY-STYLE stills-plus-narration tales of various pixies/woodland creatures, led by posh, top-hatted Topper. Always had picnics..
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HEY PRESTO!"
TOTTERING TOWERS
(1971-72)
THAMES
BIZARRO VARIATION on the perennial children's serial theme of "kids help residents of a stately home to stop it being pulled down", except ultra-weird, in the manner of a junior Sir Henry At Rawlinson End. WILLIAM "ALL GAS AND GAITERS" MERVYN was the 43rd Duke of Tottering, a deerstalker-clad aristo-nut who went about inventing hovering scooters, talking suits of armour and similar oddities, usually with less than 100% success. Also present were PATSY ROWLANDS as "Miss Twitty", SAM "ORLANDO" KYDD as "Bertie Bogmoss" and ROBERT "KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY" GILLESPIE as "Joe the Creep". Though intended to be a comedy, the authentic gloomy atmosphere scared the shit out of many a tottering tot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...KIDS WERE CALLED, INEVITABLY, DAFFY AND DICK
TOTTIE: STORY OF A DOLL'S HOUSE
(1984-86)
BBC/SMALLFILMS
LATE, UNLAMENTED entry in the POSTGATE/FIRMIN oeuvre, based on the novels by Rumer Godden. Like BAGPUSS, it featured a group of toys who came to life when their owners, Charlotte and Emily Dane, weren't around. Tottie was a doll, who lived happily in a doll's house with three other dolls, whom she considered her family. However, evil arrived in the form of a porcelain doll called - bizarrely - Marchpane, who was entirely self-centred. Instead of joining in the Tottie family's love fest (they called themselves the Plantagenets), Marchpane plotted their downfall in order to gain more quality time with the owners. Said plotting culminated in the death by fire of Birdie, one of Tottie's family, who Marchpane knew was made of plastic, and would melt. An air of morbidity then fell upon the Tottie family. Very dubious stuff and hardly the most palatable of pre-teatime endeavours. Marchpane did get her comeuppance, though.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NARRATED BY OLIVER POSTGATE WITH VOICES BY ANNA CALDER-MARSHALL, NANCY GAIR AND OLWEN GRIFFITHS
OLD-TIMEY ADVENTURE serial reworked as late-70s conspiracy thriller - for kids! Emily (MAXINE GORDON) opens the wrong door in a hospital to see a dead woman with a strange man peering at the body. One thing leads to another, and soon there's a plot to blow up a visiting African delegation. Delirious far-fetchedness based on the Josephine Poole novel, with the great AUBREY MORRIS as the chief bad guy and DAVID PARFITT as Emily's accomplice Charles. Also starred SANDY RATCLIFF as an uber-bitch female gangster.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHY DON'T WE JUST GO TO THE POLICE?" "THERE'S NO TIME!"
TOUCHÉ TURTLE
(1970s)
HANNA-BARBERA
SWASHBUCKLY REPTILE with a hat is assisted by dog sidekick Dum Dum. "Touché Away!" catchphrase and telephone located inside shell a specialty.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO FEATURED GIANT MOSQUITOES WHICH WENT "BRONZICA"
TRADE TEST TRANSMISSIONS
(1960s/1970s)
BBC
ONE OF those functional but nevertheless well-remembered series that BBC2 showed in the run-up to colour broadcasting, the Trade Test Transmissions were a regular feature of daytime broadcasting in the early '70s. If you were watching early enough you could catch the daily announcements of transmitters which were being repaired and get the schedule of films for the day - they showed a different one every hour. A lot of them were made by the Shell Film Unit and most of the ones were documentaries (in the loosest sense). Here's a selection -
1. Evoluon - about a science exposition in Eindhoven.
2. Tide of Traffic - increasing traffic volumes and their environmental effects.
3. Jusepina - The one about the Italian girl whose parents owned a petrol station. The 'plot' revolved around the various people who came to the station.
4. The Home-Made Car - a young bloke is building a car in his drive (maudlin sax-solo) to impress the girl next door, who keeps getting picked up by her boyfriend (cue mad drum-solo).
5. A couple of pre-Greenpeace efforts on environmental pollution.
6. The history of paint from cave-dwellers to the present day. This had a man splitting the stone open and pots of paint, etc.
7. Plastics - how they make them and what you can do with them.
8. The inner workings of the internal combustion engine.
9. An oil pipeline being built in Algeria.
10. Another one about oil exploration in the North Sea.
11. A German bloke talking about technology and its benefits to the world. It featured Haydn's 'Creation' on the soundtrack.
12. One featuring a man washing the deck of a boat at sunset.
13. A virtual tour of Amsterdam.
Don't forget the Acorn Trail, some kind of PIF-style shill for the National Trust, which always seemed to turn up just before Grandstand on a summer morning...
Other highlights included:
- a documentary on Scottish wild cats
- a cartoon about the history of flying, opening with doomed flight of waxy-winged Icarus, ending with two farmers chewing straw, watching a bi-plane pass overhead.
- Crown of Glass - about building the stained glass windows of Liverpool Catholic Cathedral
- A cartoon by Phillips about the history of colour TV
- One with speedboats racing through swamps with flaming petrol. At the end a chap gets bitten by a stone fish and gets taken to hospital in a boat.
- One about a salmon/trout farm.
- The modernisation of the Royal Mail.
- Building of the Kariba Dam.
All sheer bliss for the visual memory centres of many a young brain. If anyone can recall more of these, let us know...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DEVON: COUNTY FOR ALL SEASONS!"
TRAINING DOGS THE WOODHOUSE WAY
(1980)
BBC
"ECCENTRIC" BITCHY old maid BARBARA WOODHOUSE found brief early 80s fame as a result of this semi-documentary poke around her dog owner school. Much harassing of owners and crying "walkies" etc. made for ghoulishly terrifying viewing. One about horses followed, in similar "indomitable" vein. "Get your dog IN, Mr Bagshaw! Scoop it! HALT! You were too slow, doctor! You've got to do it - BANG! When I say 'Face your dog!' you will turn around and face her. Don't be a leg-clinger."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CAN YOU GET DOWN AND PRAISE YOUR DOG, MRS WILLIAMS?"
TOTALLY HOPELESS attempt by the fledgling channel to get a "funky" version of WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS on the go. Hosted from a freezing beach, various moribund-looking kiddie teams did the usual quoit-harvesting pointlessness. Regional travelling was a doomed attempt to inject variety.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ELAINE KEMBALL WAS YOUR FEMALE RON PICKERING, MERCIFULLY FREE FROM SWEATY NIPPLES
TRANSFORMERS
(EARLY 1980s)
ITV
ROBOTS IN disguise. Or, if you were from Kenilworth, robots in da skies. Top breakable toys which turned from robots to lorries plugged by TV movie and endless cartoon serial. Original had ORSON WELLES sharing vocal duties with ERIC IDLE, which must merit some kind of recognition. Soon buggered off, however.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ESSENTIAL PLAYGROUND ARMOURY C.1984
THE TRAP DOOR
(MID 1980s)
QUEENSWAY PRODUCTIONS/ITV
CHIPPER CHILDREN'S ITV claymation, narrated by WILLIE RUSHTON, featuring Berk (mild-mannered, West Country-accented blob), Bony (skeleton thing, plummy voice), The Thing upstairs (always wanting to be fed) and various creatures beneath the titular egress. Opening sequence sent up the conventions of house-on-the-hill horror much as DANGERMOUSE sent up superheroes. Scripts sometimes approached Cosgrove-Hall's invariably high quality. Theme tune none more 80s, complete with pseudo-rap over closing credits.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING DOWN THERE!"
A TRAVELLER IN TIME
(1978)
BBC
FUSTY PERIOD-SWAPPING kids drama with a door in an old cottage leading Penelope (SOPHIE THOMPSON) from the Edwardian era back to the seventeenth century for some Queen of Scots-baiting adventures. The farmhouse where it was shot was the home of Simon Groom's parents, and canny Simes used an interview he did with director Dorothea Brooking for local radio as his ticket to BLUE PETER sofadom.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SO THAT'S WHO TO BLAME
THE TRAVELLING MAN
(1984-85)
GRANADA
PRE-NEWS AT TEN drama of a midweek flavour. LEIGH LAWSON was a single-monikered (Lomax) ex-drug-cop trying to clear his name of corruption charges while travelling Britain's canals on a houseboat. Each week he hunted for the bloke who'd set him up while simultaneously searching for his missing son. Gritty adventures ensued, including a spell doing a spot of bar-tending work culminating in our man barricading himself in with the owners when a local gang tried to get in.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WISTFUL PAN-PIPERY THEME TUNE
A PRE-BLUE PETER MARK CURRY moonlighted from MAKE 'EM LAUGH (sadly not permanently) as the bizarre choice to helm over-reverential, whispered tours of stately homes and the crap inside them. Sponsored by the National Trust. Probably.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND TO THINK THAT THE YOUNG QUEEN VICTORIA ONCE PLAYED WITH THIS DOLL'S HOUSE"
TREASURE HUNT
(1982-89)
CHATSWORTH/CHANNEL 4
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"HAS ANYONE seen a clue, a pink clue?! It's on a piece of pink card! Hello, have you seen it?!" Seminal parlour-game-meets-orienteering ordeal that helped Channel 4 stay in business and made household names of ANNEKA RICE, her cameraman Graham, her helicopter pilot Keith and WINCEY WILLIS who pasted up blue arrows and looked gnomish back in the studio. KENNETH KENDALL helmed proceedings in the least-excitable manner possible ("Hello") from a replica drawing room with a log fire and a million bookshelves. Two contestants (middle class couples or mother/son pairs, drabbily dressed, earnestly spoken) rummaged through ancient tourist guides and encyclopedias to solve five "cryptic clues" that would lead Annie to some treasure, usually a Victorian thimble or Jacobean trouser press or something similarly underwhelming. The course would take in numerous sights within a particular region, usually popular attractions, resulting in ubiquitous "get out the way" moments as Annie battled through camera-hungry punters. "Watch out for the helicoper blades - stay back!" Clues often involved demeaning tasks like jumping into the sea, riding a frisky horse or interrupting a live performance of some kind (replete with the inevitable celebrity cameo - "why, it's BRIAN BLESSED isn't it?") and always always required lots and lots of running and shouting. Pioneered lightweight camera technology and satellite gubbins. Whole thing would be filmed "as live" in 45 minutes with the occasional ad-break forced pause to get Annie back to the helicopter which had landed in the middle of a village fete presciently organised by the local parish council to cash in on maximum TV coverage. After one too many humiliations, culminating in being slapped in the face by a beer-soaked rag, Anneka quit to be replaced for one series by the lamentable ANNABEL CROFT.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."STOP THE CLOCK! STOP THE CLOCK!"
TREASURE OVER THE WATER
(1972)
BBC
WORTHY ADAPTATION of the book 'Minnow on the Say' written by Philippa "TOM'S MIDNIGHT GARDEN" Pearce. Basically a treasure hunt by two boys, David and Adam, in the canoe "Minnow" on the River Say (hence the title of the book). Set in Cambridgeshire. David and Adam were played by Andrew Balcomebe and Justin Swan.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HUCKLEBERRY FINN FOR THE HOME COUNTIES
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PERENNIAL TARGET for "cuh?!" criticism, this cheapo would-be glamorous soap set on a passenger ferry on a triangular route between Felixstowe, Stockholm and Amsterdam (do you see?) invited derision pretty much from the off thanks to its fundamental flaw - the North Sea is a grey, freezing dreary wasteland, and no place for viewer-friendly shenanigans. Most-remembered scene introduced sexy ship's purser KATE O'MARA sunbathing topless on foredeck (chest down, of course), visibly suffering from effects of 40mph wind and light drizzle. It got no better. O'Mara left after two series (nowadays it would've been pulled after two episodes). Also on board: MICHAEL CRAIG, LARRY LAMB, NIGEL STOCK and SCOTT FREDERICKS. DIANA COUPLAND, PAUL JERRICHO and GEORGE BAKER were drummed on board to try and pep up interest. Instead it sank, all hands, no doubt in the choppy wake of THE LOVE BOAT
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."JUST THINK OF ME AS YOUR UNIVERSAL AUNT...THE CROOK OF A FINGER ISN'T ALWAYS THE PROMISE OF HAPPY TIMES"
SHORT-LIVED SATURDAY night "people show" from the South Bank, fronted by MIKE SMITH and JULIAN CLARY. The pair proceeded to accost various members of the audience to play humiliating GAME FOR A LAUGH-style pranks. Audiences proceeded to switch off.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LARRY DAVID HAD IT RIGHT: "NO TREAT? TRICK! TRICK OR TREAT, BANG BANG!"
MODERN DAY Chaucerian slapstick in the shape of a new Canterbury-style Tale of six rugby supporters on the way to Wembley for the Challenge Cup final meeting up and reeling off the usual "bawdy" stories to each other. Featuring BRIAN GLOVER and BILL "SELWYN" MAYNARD in a bobble hat.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SCRIPTED, AS WAS FROGGIT, BY ALAN PLATER
THE TRIPODS
(1984-85)
BBC/CHANNEL 7/TALBOT
AS DEREK Griffiths sang in LOOK AND READ's The Boy From Space, "space goes on... forever." And so did this epic UK/US/Australian co-production. In a regressed medieval futurescape of 2089, docile yokels are under the control of Wellesian Tripods - three-legged towering robots who implant mind-supressing chips under the scalp via a long, tendrill-y thing ("capping"). Inevitably, a rag-tag band of dissenters break free to find out what was going on, eventually coming face-to-face with one-eyed, three-legged fleshy "Masters", who could be disappointingly easily done in with a punch in the eye. Video effects were good for the time, including smart enough matte paintings of a destroyed Paris, and the Tripods themselves, although it was often pointed out that the only direction a three-legged thing could move in would be around in a constant circle. Where it all went wrong was with the plots: tedious, incomprehensible if you tuned in mid-series, short on humour and long on dreadful moralising: not what you want on a Saturday night. As a result it got cancelled two thirds of the way through the planned three-series run. Oops. Chief derring-doers were cousins Will (JOHN SHACKLEY) and Henry Parker (JIM BAKER). Stereotyped French oik Beanpole (CERI SEEL) joined them on their quest to reach the White Mountains of Switerzerland where, ahem, the Free Men lived. Henry got replaced in series two by Fritz (ROBIN HAYTER) for no apparent reason.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HE AIN'T GOT NO MARK ON 'IS 'EAD!"
LAST CALL for LEONARD ROSSITER as a dithering, mithering supermarket manager. Don't remember him this way. Nor BRUCIE, who took over for the even worse remake remake SLINGER'S DAY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO SALE
"NOT THE Tropic of Cancer, or the Tropic of Capricorn, but our very own little English Tropic..." Of Ruislip, actually, from Leslie Thomas novel. Suburban schtick with animated title sequence and heroically low ratings. The ITV strikes didn't help matters. RONALD PICKUP was in it, as you might expect.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO SHOWING UP: STEPHANIE COLE, RONALD LACEY, KATE DORNING AND CHARLOTTE HOWARD
TROUBLES & STRIFE
(1985-86)
CENTRAL
GOD AWFUL clergycom in which a young vicar takes over a village parish and becomes a lust target for the ‘young wives group', all of whom embraced dizziness/stupidity in a way most Page 3 girls can only dream of. STEVEN PACEY played the dishy rev, and Scottish sort MAUREEN "CASUALTY" BEATTIE was one of the frustrateds. There was also a wifely role for PATRICIA "SHE'S FOUND ANOTHER MAN, DAD" BRAKE, while ANNA "OH, ARRRFUR!" KAREN overplayed a belligerent cleaner (headscarf, curlers, fag in mouth, nuclear voice - no resemblence to Hilda Ogden intended, honest) and provided the only semi-memorable moment when she interrupted a wedding at the ‘know of any lawful impediment' stage to moan that she hadn't been invited. Even though she was there, in a pew, with hat and buttonhole. Thirteen episodes in all, during which the husbands of these supposed ‘wives' never surfaced. Opening titles showed the women singing Bread Of Heaven with altered lyrics, while looking simperingly at the vicar.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."FEED ME 'TIL I WANT NO MORE" BECAME "THAT'S WHAT WE YOUNG WIVES ALL ARE (YOUNG WIVES ALL ARE), THAT'S WHAT WE YOUNG WIVES ALL ARE"
THE TROUBLESHOOTERS
(1965-72)
BBC
TOP BOARDROOM soapfest with sub-DALLAS "black gold" backstory. GEOFFREY "MINISTER OF DEFENCE" KEEN was Brian Stead, number one at Mogul International, with PHILIP "PALLISERS" LATHAM (Willy Izard) attending the books and RAY "OZ" BARRETT (Peter Thornton) and ROBERT "SIEGFRIED" HARDY (Alec Stewart) bestriding the globe as rival titular meddling bastards. Familiar mix of studio-bound office scotch-and-telex chicanery and glossy film location bust-ups. Memorable pacy titles promised fast cars and jets that never appeared again. Focus shifted over time from boring internal politics to shameless foreign junkets, including much-vaunted West Indies expedition, plus stop-offs in Rhodesia, Vietnam and, famously, Alaska - in reality oft-mocked DR WHO Chief Gravel Pit at Gerrards Cross. Hardy pissed off after four years, and various minor replacements (e.g. DAVID BARON as Mike Szabo) ushered in late-era decline, but primetime schedule mainstay throughout.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FIRST SEASON, TITLED "MOGUL", EMPHASISED INITIAL LUMPEN OBSESSION WITH BUSINESS STUDIES
T! T! V! Teatime Television! Crappy puppet cat SCRAG helmed a time-honoured "it's our own television channel" type affair from some kind of backyard. Only two memorable aspects: 1) T!T!V! Quizzicals! which was basically a rip-off of the far superior Giddy Game Show and 2) Mr Hiccup, a terrible Czechoslovakian cartoon about a bloke who had, yup, hiccups. You could send off for a Scrag Tag, if you could be arsed. Fuck knows what it was.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AT ABOUT THIS TIME, EMBRYONIC CABLE STATION MKTV (THAT'S MILTON KEYNES) PREMIERED SIMILAR PUPPET-CAT-LINKS-CRAP-CARTOONS SCENARIO THE DJ KAT SHOW (THEME RAP - "THIS IS THE DJ KAT SHOW/WHO AM I? DJ KAT/I'M A STAR ON THE SCREEN AND A RAPPING MACHINE/SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?"), LATER SCOOPED UP BY GOOD OLD PRE-BSB MERGER SKY TV
THE TUBE SUMMER REPLACEMENTS
(1983-87)
CHANNEL FOUR
A DIZZYING ASSORTMENT of yoof-orientated crazed oddities from the nascent Soho "medialand" later to spawn Julia Bradbury, reserved for when Jools and Paula needed a summer break. First up was SWITCH, an early Glasgow-located vehicle for the desperately irritating MURIEL GRAY and her stupid girly hairbow, featuring acts of the ilk of Jo Boxers, King Kurt and Paul Weller's "protege" Tracie. Plus a skip-load of body-popping. Later came SWANK and follow-up SCOFF, both fronted by DAWN FRENCH on the respective subjects of fashion "you know, fat women are sexy as well" and food. Then there was the unforgettable triple-bill of heavy metal strand ECT, SOUL TRAIN (Lovebug Starski!) and VIDEO VIEW, presented by GARY CROWLEY (bet you wondered how long it would be before turned up). Reruns of READY STEADY GO, now owned by Dave Clark, produced by Dave Clark and generally featuring more Dave Clark Five than was thought healthy (and representative) also showed up round about then. THE CHART SHOW had its initial headphone-shaped showing, with the embryonic version of that ubiquitous "Banal facts about the acts plastered all over the screen in pretend computer display" gimmick, namely "HUD", a sort of fighter pilot cockpit display which was utterly illegible. Hallmarks of the C4 incarnation: Indie Chart, Reggae Chart etc as the likes of The Smiths, The Housemartins and The Durutti Column rubbed shoulders with Living In A Box and Sinitta in the meaninglessly-titled "Video Reveal". However, The Chart Show was halted mid-run due to C4's row with the Musicians Union and subsequent video ban, and replaced with pointless REWIND from same production company, but utilising clips from previously mentioned shows and The Tube. The icons were back soon enough, though, in bizarre two-part format, sandwiched around reruns of DICK SPANNER (see NETWORK 7), crap new bands slot FAMOUS FOR 15 MINUTES and bizarre musical 50s throwback Elvis-centric drama NEAT AND TIDY, starring two long-forgotten halfwits as Nick Neat and Tina Tidy, generally driving around America in a Chevy convertible (in that highly 1987/jeans commercial manner) to the strains of Guitar Man for absolutely no reason at all.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."COMING UP, AN EXCLUSIVE FROM TEST DEPARTMENT"
THE TUBE
(1982-87)
CHANNEL 4/TYNE TEES
SAINTED SEMI-ALTERNOPOP show of a Friday evening live from Tyne Tees studios in Newcastle helmed, variously, by JOOLS HOLLAND, PAULA YATES, LESLIE ASH, MURIEL GRAY and GARY JAMES. Canonised in retrospect but a lot of it, at the time, was tedious at best, unwatchable at worst. Even the Pet Shop Boys appeared pissed. Nadir came when young oik FELIX HOWARD interviewed, of all people, MACCA. Ten regulator-ruffling moments:
1) C4 handing over to Tyne Tees 30 seconds early, to hear Paula Yates discussing popular literature - "And do you know there's an entire chapter in Little Richard's book about a man with a fifteen inch dick up his arse" - and the weather - "It really is fucking freezing out here."
2) The 1985 five hour summer special, where Jools was busy and had to be replaced with Malcolm McClaren, but whose filmed contributions and an interview with Bryan Ferry were stolen, found dumped in a Soho doorway two days later, then the whole show was pulled because of industrial action.
3) A special late night edition showing the uncut Thriller video, introduced by Jools with a competition to estimate the proportions of Jacko's pet hamster William - or as Holland announced, "Guess the size of Michael Jackson's Willy."
4) Rik Mayall popping out of the local next to TTTV studios to introduce that evening's programme, including unscripted chunder action. "It's Friday night, the pubs are open - Beeeeeooork!"
5) A Christmas special with Jools showing viewers how to make their own version of Blue Peter's advent crown, involving pouring a tin of highly flammable explosive liquid over your dining room furniture before setting it alight. "Make sure you talk to Mum about this one before you do it," cautioned Holland.
6) Jools suggesting to viewers the number of uses a plastic tube housing a Tube promotional poster could have, including collecting "elephants' farts" and "hamster turds."
7) Muriel Gray not being called before the show started, opening her dressing room door to find Paula and Jools introducing the programme right outside, cursing, then running out round the back of the Tyne Tees building to reach the place she was supposed to be.
8) Paula interviewing Steve Cram sitting on her mike throughout, with Jools shouting "I hope you fart" from across the studio.
9) The first ever interview Paula did, with Mick Jagger: "Mick Jagger, tell us - what HAVE you got down the front of your pants?" "That's for me to know and you to find out". The exchange was never transmitted.
10) "Groovy fuckers..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CUE NEON SIGN CRACKING THROUGH THE TV SET
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GRANGE HILL continued. The unstoppable TODD CARTY was still Tucker Jenkins after he left school. Alan Humphries mooned around like a sleepy bear licking his balls, but no TERRY SUE "Benny" PATT. Birds. Dole. Youth club. Birds. Dole. Youth club. Dole. Much Phil Redmond-scripted rants about how "They didn't teach us nuffink at school, we're the disaffected youth". Chance meeting mid-series with Trisha Yates (a cameo by MICHELLE HIBBERT) led to night-school courses and a career in painting and decorating. Last seen dropping his nephew Togger off in 2002 at the Mersey TV-ified 'Hill gates.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WATCH OUT, THERE'S PASSMORE!"
TUCKER'S WITCH
(MID 1980s)
USA
SPURIOUSLY WEIRD US comedy drama about a husband and wife detective team, the twist being that she is, yup, a witch. Technically she has somewhat unpredictable psychic powers like psychometry and telekinesis, conveniently low budget enough to avoid a grotesque outlay on special effects (hence much pointing and things falling down, or holding an object and having psychic flashes). She was played by CATHERINE HICKS and her hubbie was TIM MATHESON. By aiming low it didn't come over too badly. Plus without the pre-credit sequence, each episode was a whodunnit. Grampian showed it with the teaser, STV showed it without.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONE-SEASON WONDER
TURTLE'S PROGRESS
(1979-80)
ATV
SHORT-ARSED SNIVELLING baldie Turtle (JOHN LANDRY) is the brains of a petty crime partnership, the other half being, huge, thuggish, Crombie-clad skinhead Razor Eddie (MICHAEL ATTWELL). One night they nick a Ford Transit, only to find (next day) that it is loaded with the booty from a daring deposit box robbery at a bank. Needless to say, the bankrobbers are neatly rounded up open-mouthed and bewildered as the police arrive; their getaway vehicle having vanished into thin air. Of course there are no links to Turtle and Eddie who are left in peaceful ignorance, and each episode was based on them opening a deposit box and an adventure sprang from the contents. Their deeds might have been Quixotic, but by now unmemorable.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ROLE OF TURTLE'S FOE, SUPERINTENDANT RAFFERTY, TAKEN OVER BY DAVID SWIFT WHEN ORIGINAL CAST MEMBER JAMES GROUT BROKE HIS LEG
BREAK-THROUGH SERIES for EMMA 'THOMPSON' THOMPSON and ROBBIE COLTRANE who'd both previously suffered for alternative comedy's sake in the rubbish ALFRESCO. Telling the tale of the past-it rock band The Majestics it features a career-best performance from RICHARD 'HOT METAL' WILSON as the sweaty-palmed manager Eddie Clockerty (FACT: His character was ripped off by 'Dadahist' comicbook-writer Grant Morrison for his 'Zenith' strip in 2000AD). Best bit, Stuart McGugan off of PLAY SCHOOL swearing. You didn't get that when CHLOE ASHCROFT showed up on DR WHO, right? NOTE: This programme earns its place in TVC's hallowed A-Z-style Hall of Fame due to pressure applied on us by Andrew Collins' TEATIME radio show on BBC 6 Music in 2003.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRITTEN BY JOHN BYRNE; NOT THE SAME 'JOHNNY' WHO CREATED HEART BEAT, THOUGH
PRESENTED BY a post-TV-AM ANNE DIAMOND, TV Weekly was your What's On TV to OPEN AIR's Radio Times, bringing daytime viewers the latest news on television celebrities of the sort who would now be found on the front cover of Heat magazine. Nonetheless, it was still strangely compulsive viewing, due in no small part to the presence of Barry Took in a regular archive clips spot. Also once chastised TV hostesses who wore glittery dresses after complaints from pensioners who were finding that the sparkles affected their vision.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...REPEAT SCREENINGS SOMEWHAT UNDERMINED THE 'WEEKLY' MONIKER
US-DERIVED TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED-esque capery, with WILLIAM CONRAD narrated tall stories such as BILL "HULK" BIXBY sailing into the future on a boat, and a Hands of Orlac transplanted limb with a memory yarn.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT A PATCH ON TIMOTHY WEST DRESSED AS A BEE
TWO D'S AND A DOG
(1970)
THAMES
SPIN-OFF FROM DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SET in the Friday 5.20pm slot with DENISE COFFEY and DAVID JASON as Dotty and Dingle, plus dog Fido, taking an assortment of various bizarre jobs from various bizarre guest stars.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INCLUDING FRANK THORNTON, GERALD "KAMELION" FLOOD, NORMAN VAUGHAN, PATRICIA HAYES AND BILL FRASER
SCHMALTZY, SICKLY-SWEET, totally-80s lifecom with NICHOLAS LYNDHURST and JANET DIBLEY as proto-yuppie couple making their first steps into the big bad world of, er, living together. Much wise-crack comments and arguments about the cornflakes. "Uncle Perce" (PATRICK TROUGHTON then TENNIEL EVANS) often popped round, causing miniscule mayhem and ensuring non-hilarity. One-frame-a-second opening titles featured 2CV approaching camera. Every episode had teeth-grinding moment of "serious reflection", a la CARLA BLOODY LANE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TWO BECAME THREE IN FINAL SERIES, OF COURSE
TEENAGE LOVE affair in the HELEN mould.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SIGH
FLOATY YELLOW glasses in the sky and bah-baaahhh! (der-der-der-dooo-dooo) theme tune? Time for another appointment with, in the words of the BBC continuity announcer, "Messrs Barker and Corbett." Cue the usual, bankable, unbeatable format: opening sat at desks routine "Well, it's great to be back with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?" "Yes, indeed it is. And in a packed programme tonight..." then comedy "headlines", "And now a sketch in which I play a trombonist who's down on his luck -" "- and I play a fiddler with his hands full." Then some Ronnie Barker "mispronunciation of worms" business, followed by "Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Elaine Paige/Barbara Dickson." "Like a circle in a spiral..." Then Corbett in limbo, on a variety of modernist chairs doing rambling gag. "So the produuuuucer said to me..." Then the variable "serial" (eg. Piggy Malone/The Worm That Turned etc: "Have a Pa's bar" and of course, the legendary Phantom Raspberry Blower Of Old London Town - "'Ere! I want a word with you!"), topping off with the big circus/brass band musical number to well-known appropriate tunes ("Camden Town, my Camden Town!"), before finishing up with "Some late items of news," "On the show next week..." and then "It's goodnight from me -" "- and it's goodnight from him." Goodnight.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IMPECCABLE
THANKLESS AND thankfully-forgotten squattercom set in Manchester, with a couple (NORMAN TIPTON and CLAIRE FAULCONBRIDGE) moving into their new house, only to find (believe it or not) SU POLLARD and PAUL NICHOLAS as two squatters already resident. Imagine the consequences. Then try to banish them from your memory forever.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS WOULD SOON BECOME OBLIGATORY, PAUL ALSO LEANT HIS PIPES TO THE THEME TUNE
INTO THIS durable east-is-east effort came, from over the water, ELAINE STRITCH as irascible novelist Dorothy McNab, and, representing Blighty, playing gadabout silver-tongued Robert Hiller - why, it's DONALD SINDEN. Potayto/potahto verbalese lasted four seasons.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND WEST IS WEST, AND NEVER - AH
ON-THE-ROAD CB-RELATED crimefighters employing a truck and a helicopter to get their "man".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SNAKES ALIVE, LOOKS LIKE WE GOT US A...OH NO, WE HAVEN'T. SORRY..."
TX
(1985)
ITV
VERY EIGHTIES kidsters Saturday morning miscellany with TONY SLATTERY, ALISON DOWLING and First Post's SUE ROBBIE. Chiefly remembered now for game show segment KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF, hosted by STEVE BLACKNELL, mostly famous for somehow being the one to interview Phil Collins on Concorde while flying from London to Philadelphia for Live Aid. Purpose of said game was to knock out three blocks of the same colour on your own wall to win a prize, without letting the Gold Blocks hit the floor, at the same time trying to knock the Gold Blocks off your opponents wall via a "Bean Bag Attack". Teams consisted of a Brains (answered the questions) and a Bodger (brick-bodger/bean-bag thrower). Prizes were a KYBO plastic lunchbox and flask - in reality a Snoopy Lunchbox and Flask with a KYBO sticker.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MIKE READ'S CROW SUDDENLY BECOMES A MILLION TIMES MORE APPEALING
MORE ADOLESCENT quest malarkey, pitting two squeaky lads and girl hanger-on against pair of vagabond crooks in hunt for ancient hidden gem, hidden under dodgy miniature Tyrannosaurus Rex in, of all places, the Natural History Museum. Never-like-that-on-real-school-trips etc. Notable for weird prog-heavy soundtrack plus Moody Blues "Doctor Livingstone" as theme tune.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PLUS THE END CREDITS ROLLING TO "THE THOUGHTS OF EMERLISTDAVJACK" BY THE NICE
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