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FIRST PROPER live-actioner from Supermationationer GERRY ANDERSON, fast forwarding to the 1980s for a caper through life in an alien defence organization (SHADO - Supreme Headquarters, Alien Defence Organisation) led by jawy Ed Straker (ED "CAPTAIN BLUE" BISHOP) and GEORGE "SPECIAL BRANCH" SEWELL. GABRIELLE DRAKE slinked about in a tinselly purple wig playing a character called Gay, while WANDA VENTHAM was Colonel (tee hee) Virginia Lake. More "adulty" flavour signposted by catsuit arse shots and sub-Bond innuendoes (hence consequent ITV region indecision about pre-or-post-watershed scheduling), ditto those green patrol ships with the phallic missiles on the front. Alien invaders, disappointingly, kept themselves to themselves, mostly kidnapping humans and stealing organs for transplant when nobody was looking. Bit of a cop-out all round. None of it came true either.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO LOOKING IN: AYSHEA "LIFT OFF" BROUGH, ANOUSKA HEMPEL, RICHARD "SLARTI" VERNON, SUSAN JAMESON, STEPHANIE BEACHAM, MIKE "RANDALL" PRATT, PATRICK "BRANCH" MOWER, GAVIN "LIFE" CAMPBELL, CHRISTOPHER "CREATURES" TIMOTHY AND WINDSOR "TWAIN" DAVIES
THE UK/WORLD DISCO CHAMPIONSHIPS
(LATE 1970s)
THAMES
JIVE-JOUSTING JAUNDICE-ATHON with grinning fools from Bristol and Wigan high-kicking, spinning and jiving to Odyssey in lurex hipster flares, silk shirts with five inch lapels and armpit holes, and the obligatory orange tan. Judges of the calibre of KEN "ERASMUS" CAMPBELL and DIDDY "DAVID" HAMILTON. Moonlighted on BBC1 as The Roadshow Disco. Celebrity panel usually led by SIMON BATES.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONLY REASON FOR WATCHING: INEVITABLE TORN LIGAMENT OR HEAD STRIKING THE FLOOR INCIDENT
POSSIBLY THE only instance of a Japanese-originated format crossing over to the west, starting off with 1000 contestants perched nimbly on the pebbles of Brighton Beach, ears agog to MICHAEL ASPEL (safely back in the studio). Out in the field were JONATHAN KING and SALLY "WAS" JAMES; ASP presided over a panel who pontificated as to who was most likely to win. RUSSELL GRANT did it astrologically, some computer bod did it statistically, along with someone else, probably WILLIE RUSHTON. The first round saw the 1000 whittled down to about 200 with true or false questions, and a few 'You Bet' style 'will they won't they' stunts. Amongst these were Eddie Kidd doing a leap on a jetski, the Robin Hood Karate team from Nottingham kicking the hell out of a piano in four minutes, and a parachute team trying to land in a tiny circle in the sea. Contestants had to stand in a giant square that had either a tick or a cross in it while you were holding a helium balloon, and let it go if you had the wrong answer. Next round took place on a steam railway line near Winchester, was a bit more quizzy, and had old ARNOLD "GODFREY" RIDLEY asking one of the questions. The spurious eliminations continued on to France, Holland, Bahrain and Hong Kong, before finally one lucky winner who came away from it all...precisely one grand richer. What a fucking waste. Second series was an altogether more streamlined affair with DAVID FROST, but the third series never made it beyond Britain, perhaps understandable as it was hosted by STU "GRAPE" FRANCIS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OOH, I COULD RIP A TISSUE!" FUCK OFF
ULYSSES 31
(EARLY 1980s)
BRB INTERNATIONAL
NOT A James Joyce in sight for this dubbed Mediterranean wonder, which retold Homer's Odyssey as an episodic (440 parts, or something stupid like that) space opera with middling-to-fair animation of the all-too familiar DOGTANIAN/CITIES OF GOLD kind. Bearded redhead journeys through space, accompanied by his son Telemachus, No-No (small robot, you know), and the by-now expected erratic dubbing techniques. Old Uly finds a planet of enslaved children overseen by a giant, robotic Cyclops. After destroying this clanking clukny machine, they discover that this particular region of space is ruled by the ancient Gods of Olympus, who take their revenge by causing the crew to fall into a sort of coma, characterised by hanging lifeless in mid-air. But through chance, and the expediencies of the plot, Ulysses, his son Telemacus and an alien girl Yumi, are left still conscious. The gods agree to lift the curse if Ulysses can find the "Kingdom of Hades", and from there, the route back to Earth. All of this was re-told in earnest detail every bloody week in the opening title sequence. No idea whether the hirsute old heffer actually succeeded.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PROTO-ROCK THEME TUNE HAD PHILIP SCHOFIELD A-HOLLERING EVERY WEEK: "ULYSSES, ULYSSES, SOARING THROUGH ALL THE GALAXIES"
KIDS' DRAMABORE series set in either Australia or New Zealand, featuring a boy and girl who lived on a beach overlooking an island/mountain/volcano a short distance away. Nearby was a creepy family called the Horrobins who lived in a large Addams Family style Gothic mansion. To the rest of the world said family seemed spooky but harmless...however (inevitably) the meddling kids discovered the clan were, erm, aliens placed on earth in an advance-of-the-invasion recce. Best bit came when realisation dawned on the viewer that the slime on the island had been left by these transmogrifying creatures (big blue n' purple blobs, highly scary) who did indeed actually live Under The Mountain and travelled at great speed back and forth from the island to the mainland by means of a maze of tunnels causing untold misery.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RIPPER!
ILL-ADVISED FORAY into sitcommery by STRATFORD "BARLOW" JOHNS, playing bombastic mainman Lord Mountainash (ho ho) in charge of made-up Confederation Of Shop Stewards And Allied Workers (COSSAW). Much early-80s badinage of a closed shop/arbitration hue ensued as the ennobled one squared off against union-hating butler Wordsworth (MORAY WATSON) and obligatory loony leftie Elizabeth Steel (CAROL MACREADY).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EVERYBODY OUT!
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
(1962-87, 1994-NOW)
GRANADA
.JPG)
.JPG)
BEND AN EAR TO perhaps the most deceptive theme tune ever. The delightful peal of the bells, the Grappelliesque swagger of the fiddle, indeed the sheer busyness of this up tempo number seems to promise a quiz show of high energy and whimsy. Yet despite BAMBER "ONCE WATCHED A MAN GET A COWPAT OUT OF A TUPPERWARE SANDWICH BOX" GASCOIGNE's best efforts (most notably trying to use his hair to jolly things along), UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE is still simply just a load of wispy-faced would-be boffins trying to answer lots of reasonably dull questions as quickly as possible. Over the years, the show has brought us any number of moments that are forever repeated in TV clipfests, most notably a curiously cold, dead-eyd Stephen Fry caring too deeply about getting his question right, and that girl with the fringe, waistcoat and Deidre Barlow spectacles getting loads of questions wrong as part of the worst performing team of all time. When the series transferred to the Beeb after a successful one-off edition as part of a night of programmes about Granada Television, the services of the ever smiling BAMBER were dispensed with in favour of JEREMY PAXMAN, then right in the middle of his attempt to carve himself out as the JEREMY CLARKSON of news reporting. Consequently the once oft-used phrase "oh bad luck" has been replaced with various barracking remarks as PAXO tries to look hard by bullying a bunch of speccy kids.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PLING PLONG PLONG DEE DEE DEE, DEE DIDDLEY DEE DEE DEE
THE UP AND DOWN, IN AND OUT, ROUNDABOUT MAN
(1973)
THAMES
BEN BENISON, the mime artist who was succeeded in VISION ON by SYLVESTER McCOY, clears his throat by way of 13 quarter-hour slapstick routines.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..." "
UP POMPEII/WHOOPS! BAGHDAD
(1970/1973)
BBC
"I NEVER seem to get it!" FRANKIE HOWERD, as himself, as a camp dogsbody desperate to get to the end of "the Prologue", sports a badly-fitting toga on a badly-fitting Ancient Rome studio set while numerous character actors mince in and out of the temples behind him. Earnest senator: "Let me fill in you on the latest positions." Nubile wench: "Don't worry - I already know them!". Frankie was Lurcio, WALLAS EATON/MAX ADRIAN and MARK DIGNAM his owner Ludicrous Sextus (do you see?), ELIZABETH LARNER the owner's wife Ammonia, KERRY GARDNER the simpering son Nausius and GEORGINA MOON/JENNIFER LONSDALE the supremely-endowed daughter. Much running about, clothes falling off, "let me put it in for you" shenanigans. Audience hooting an unoptional extra. Sequel transferred the whole thing intact to the Middle East.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."COPULATUM EXPENSIUM, AS WE POMPEIIANS SAY..."
SATIRE, EH, never as good as it blah blah blah. But this, another of the Beeb's long procession of post-TW3 late-nighters, was well above average, thanks to somewhat stellar writing/presenting team of CLIVE JAMES, JOHN WELLS, WILLIE RUSHTON and KENNY EVERETT. Legendarily last-minute affair, with scripts knocked up hours before totally live transmission, sometimes not at all, plus sufficiently "laid back" running order so team could drop or cut short anything they got bored with. Which was pretty much everything. Regular guests also showed up, who were basically the gang's best mates, which made for even more spectacular line-up, including JOHN FORTUNE, ERIC IDLE, RICHARD MURDOCH, MAX WALL, IVOR CUTLER, BARRY HUMPHRIES and VIVIAN STANSHALL in special "Up Christmas" edition as a pissed-up Santa, appearing out of a giant-sized festive hamper, brandishing a pint of Bloody Mary at the camera, before falling over, cutting his hand on the glass and bleeding all over the plain white studio floor.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EVEN MORE LEGENDARY "INSPECTOR POIROT INVESTIGATES" SKETCH, STARRING JOHN FORTUNE, PERCY EDWARDS, JOHN WELLS AS ADOLF HITLER AND - BLOODY HELL - PETER SELLERS DESTROYED BY DICKHEAD BBC ARCHIVISTS
UP THE ELEPHANT AND ROUND THE CASTLE
(1983-85)
THAMES
.JPG)
JIM DAVIDSON played "Jim London", a cockney tosser. Bet that stretched his abilities. Bit parts for Star Trek Next Generation's MARINA "I SENSE...AGGRESSION" SIRTIS, proto-Neil Pearson BRIAN CAPRON and ANITA DOBSON as Lois Tight. "I bet she was," grunts Jim, horribly.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DAVIDSON NOW APPEARING AT A BRITISH ARMY CAMP IN BASRA/KABUL/DUBROVNIK/PORT STANLEY. WELL, AT LEAST IT KEEPS HIM OUT THE COUNTRY.
ALL IS not going well at Wolverhampton electrical appliance factory Cockers Components Limited (spot the 1970s standard sitcom moniker-age). Specially not in the way of memorable sitcoms, if this barely-there effort is owt to go by.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FEATURING HENRY "STEAM VIDEO" MAGEE AND LANCE "CALYPSO" PERCIVAL
UP2U
(1988-89)
BBC
INTERACTIVITY 80S-STYLE courtesy of JENNY POWELL, TONY DORTIE and ANTHEA TURNER, the latter barely escaping with her life after almost being blown up on a lorry. Sadly this was the only thing of note to emerge from this you-control-the-line-up affair, and even that wasn't controlled by us.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ANTHEA, DON'T WORRY, SHE'S OUT THE BACK HAVING A CUP OF TEA AND WILL BE BACK NEXT WEEK."
FREELOADING HACK JOHN ALDERTON makes his way around London society with the inevitable oooh, crikey-type situations arising from sequential attempts to get his leg over. Adopted a different guise to suit each potential paramour, none of whom, unusually, were PAULINE COLLINS. Created by KEITH WATERHOUSE. Regenerated into ROBIN NEDWELL for the sequel, THE UPCHAT CONNECTION.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LIVED OUT OF A LOCKER IN MARYLEBONE STATION. THAT WAS THE GIMMICK
NEIL PEARSON is a hard-done-by down-on-his-luck recently-made-doleite guy musician guy stuck for something to do but with long-suffering girl by his side. Until, that is, he finds salvation in a pyramid selling scheme dishing out cleaning-products and morale-boosting druggy foodstuffs. Instantly becomes a yuppie success, with girlfriend losing faith in "not the guy I fell in love with anymore" sort of a way. Culminates in weird multi-coloured tub climbing frame malarkeys with Pearson and HUGH LAURIE outwitting each other in a warehouse who-can-get-to-the-top-of-the-pile battle with Pearson winning the day, but ultimately doing a "Prisoner" and deciding that he'd rather be a nobody than king of an arseheap "upline". Smashing organ drudge theme tune backing animated credits of cartoon people (see PIGEON STREET) going up an escalator and then falling off the top. Archetypal early C4 alternative-ness.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WE BROUGHT YOU BACK FROM THE EDGE OF PSYCHOSOMATIC ILLNESS..."
UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS
(1971-75)
LWT
THE IMPERIAL Leather of costume soap combining the best and worst of rich people and their servants with lots of dressing up, elegant living and snatches of well-honed period detail. JEAN MARSH, who played Rose the maid, dreamt up the Bellamy family and their well-appointed pad at 165 Eaton Place, London. Lining up for the aristos were RACHEL GURNEY as Lady Marjorie who went down with The Titanic and was replaced by a dapper HANNAH GORDON as Virginia Hamilton, second wife of Lord Richard Bellamy (DAVID LANGTON), a well-meaning but fundamentally useless politician. Spoilt-brat kids parts were taken by SIMON "AGONY" WILLIAMS, NICOLA PAGETT and LESLEY-ANNE DOWN. Below stairs was where they had all the fun. GORDON "CI5" JACKSON was Hudson the grumpy butler and ANGELA BADDELEY was Mrs Bridges the cook with a bad chest. Additional bowing and scraping from Sarah the maid (PAULINE COLLINS) and Thomas the chauffeur (JOHN ALDERTON) who went on to do a lousy spin-off series of their own, and assorted footmen (including CHRISTOPHER BEENY), scullery maids, seat-wipers and candle sharpeners ensured that there was always coal on the fire and that the posh folk never went short of a cup of tea when they pulled on the silk sash next to the fireplace. All major historic events from World War I to the Wall Street Crash found their way into the storylines and in true soapy style the Bellamys had more than their fair share of disasters and scandals to contend with. Meanwhile in the kitchen or attic the servants were struggling to control their reproductive urges, fending off unwanted advances from Young Mr Bellamy and trying to live up to the morally sound, upstanding, salt-of the-earth behaviour that the melodramatic scripts required. Much imitated (and in some cases reheated - Jean Marsh was also responsible for The House of Elliott) but probably never bettered.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OOOH MR 'UDSON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TO DO WITH THAT GIRL I'M SURE"
BLOCKBUSTING SCI-FI excursion rooted in "humaniods coming in peace - oh, no! They're lizardy Nazis with false eyes and protruding tongues and rubbery masks come to eat us!" premise, with subsequent alien day trip to earth causing much damage to LA and the ratings. Hovering saucers over the world's cities wreaking vengeance a-plenty much copied by inferior productions. Broadcast by ITV over one week in July 1984, opposite the BBC's marathon Olympic coverage. Effects and make-up deemed "revalatory" in '84 TV terms. The V stood for Visitors. Based on the rise of fascism in Germany, with the aliens even decked out in swastika-esque branding. Robert Englund was among the cast. Spoiler: the humans discovered that dust killed the invaders. It didn't kill off the chance of a lousy sequel, though: V: THE FINAL BATTLE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STARRED MARC SINGER, FAYE GRANT AND MICHAEL IRONSIDE
THE VAL DOONICAN MUSIC SHOW
(1960s-1980s)
BBC
SOME OF his best friends were songs, you know. Genial, Irish besweatered rocking chair maestro fronted this never-changing pleaser from "the BBC Television Theatre" for pretty much a quarter of a century. Some guests seemingly showed up every week: John Denver, Elaine "Two Ronnies" Paige, horrible 70s supergroup Sky (them of 'Toccata') and The Geoff Love Orchestra ('Up, Up And Away'). Harmless, well-tailored and well-kept entertainment, always discharged with quiet professionalism by the man himself. Christmas Eve specials genuinely fondly remembered by many. Extra bonus points for releasing an album called Val Doonican Rocks...But Gently.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OTHER DOONICROONS IMPALED ON MANY A HOMEWORK-AVOIDING CHILD'S MIND - 'PADDY MCGINTY'S GOAT', 'DELANEY'S DONKEY' ("THERE WAS RILEY, PUSHIN' IT, SHOVIN' IT, SHUSHIN' IT") AND THE TARKA-FOLK 'RING OF BRIGHT WATER'
SHORT-LIVED BLUE PETER spin-off had La Singleton and a bunch of floor-seated kids arranged a la ASK ASPEL chatting to a celeb of the day (SUSAN HAMPSHIRE, GEOFF BOYCOTT, that sort of thing). Not, it has to be said, many VIPs in evidence.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BUT THAT 1970S BBC STUDIO STAPLE, THE BEANBAG, MOST CERTAINLY WAS
VALENTINE PARK
(1987-88)
CENTRAL
WITH A CAST consisting of KEN "NOW ‘ERE LISTEN MR MACKAY" JONES, DANIEL "I DO THE ONE TWO THREE FOURS!" PEACOCK and DAVID "A BIT OF A" THEWLIS, this alfresco sitcom, set around a country parkie and his tossy assistants, had to be a winner. The only minor thing holding it back from such a status was that it was an absolute bag of wank. First series shown Fridays at 8.30, criticised by all and sundry for being infantile, so already-commissioned second series was put on kids telly around DANGERMOUSE and DRAMARAMA, then binned altogether. Croony, John Denver-esque theme tune not dissimilar to that of THE SOOTY SHOW, but with words which ended "meet me in Valentine Park". There's a tempting offer.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TRAILERS LOOKED LESS THAN PROMISING WITH THEWLIS WINKING THROUGH THE BUSHES AND JONES SAYING "NOT THAT KIND OF EYE, STUPID - OOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIII!"
BOTTOM HOLE arse-for-the-money drabcom shoved out in this country at 3.25pm to pad out the Beeb's first daytime schedules. Starred chronic nobody Valerie Harper as a hard-bitten career woman who - hey! can cry too! JASON BATEMAN (SILVER SPOONS, IT'S YOUR MOVE) played support. Spun off into VALERIE'S FAMILY and THE HOGAN FAMILY, to ever decreasing indifference.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SON WILLIE HOGAN PLAYED BY THE IMMACULATELY NAMED DANNY PONCE
VALLEY OF THE DINOSAURS
(1974)
HANNA-BARBERA
THRILLING STUFF from the H-B stable, in the GODZILLA vein. A family go boating on the Colorado river and are swept down in a whirlpool that takes them to a lost valley frozen in time and filled with reptiles and cavemen. Most episodes revolved around their surviving and attempts, with the help of the cave dwellers, to get back to the world they once knew. One episode featured the family constructing a windmill that was going to be able to, for some reason, attract the planes that had started flying near the valley. Anyway, Father Caveman got trapped under a log in the stream, the family have to abandon holding up the windmill in the high wind to save him, and the windmill duly collapses.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PERENNIAL SWAP SHOP STALWART
DUTCH POLICE inspector played by BARRY FOSTER in a coat, but no-one cared about that. Number one catchy/irritating theme "Eye Level" was what dug hooks into the memory, courtesy of The Simon Park Orchestra.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BAH BAH BAH BAAAAH, BAH BAH BAAAAAH, BAH BAH BAAAH BAH BAH BAAAAAH
RAYMOND CHANDLER-STYLE modern murder investigation with ROBERT URICH as the old-style moody 'tec in question, Dan Tanna. An Aaron Spelling concoction, before he went for broke with DYNASTY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SLEAZY, UNDERWORLD, SYNDICATE ETC.
THE VERY HOT GOSSIP SHOW
(1982)
CHANNEL 4
EX-KENNY EVERETT Video Show dance troupe, one-time Sarah Brightman backers and basically Legs and Co. in leather, just...sort of danced about. To hits of the day! All the women were white, all the blokes black, for no adequately-explained reason. Much low-key complaining about the mild eroticism. Better than contemporary Hot Shoe Show on BBC with WAYNE SLEEP and BONNIE LANGFORD, but then so are most things.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MASTERMINDED BY ARLENE "BRUNO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" PHILLIPS
A VERY PECULIAR PRACTICE
(1986-88)
BBC
UNIVERSITY OF Lowlands higher edutainment with PETER "COME ALONG, TEGAN" DAVIDSON as a newcomer campus doc targeted by all the weirdy weirdness they could throw at him. His collegues in all the madness were ultra-feminist BARBRA FLYNN, ultra-cynical DAVID TROUGHTON and ultra-soused GRAHAM CROWDEN. JOHN BIRD was the paranoid vice chancellor. Second series involved the purchase of the university by some Eastern/American conglomerate headed by Jack B. Daniels (do you see?). No-end of running gags such as the two wandering nuns, much STD-jokery and an Andrew Davies script. Love interest changed between series until A VERY POLISH PRACTICE relocated the cast lock, stock to... well, you can probably guess.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SAX-DRENCHED THEME INCLUDED ELKIE BROOKS VENTING "WE NEEEED YOU..."
IN A brave attempt to push kids-costume-drama conventions to a dangerous extreme, this languid effort (based on book by Ray Brown) opted for the titular Victorian engineering construction as basis for familiar mystery/family-ties brooding. Plucky bunch of kids try to prove that one of their relatives helped build Stephenson's Rocket, decide to knock through a wall in an old house, find a full size steam engine, which improves relationship ‘twixt lad and stepfather. Etc.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SET IN DEPTFORD
ATTENTUATED ATTEMPT to create a UK version of BIG JOHN LITTLE JOHN. Only they decided to stick it in the Victorian era, and through some barely explained magic, the lad and his father swapped places. PETER "RICHARD DE VERE" BOWLES - yes, even though he was succesful at the time - was the father; unfortunately, and inevitably, the kid was rubbish and wouldn't have been able to pass as a child, never mind being a grown man in a child's body.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MADE THE FRONT OF THE TV TIMES AN' ALL
VICKY THE VIKING
(EARLY 1980s)
YOUNG BOY (yes, Vicky can be a boy's name too, like Lesley, or Stacy) warrior gains respect with his Norse chief dad and the ragbag army of vikings he leads. Had "bright ideas" by scratching head, rubbing nose in three different places, then clicking fingers with stars and the like spewing out from behind him. "I know! We'll invent the catapult!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BLESSED, FOR SOME REASON, WITH TWO THEME TUNES: "HI HO VICK, HI HO HI HO, HI HO VICK, VIKING LET'S GO..." WAS THE ORIGINAL, FOLLOWED BY "HEY HEY VICKY/HEY VICKY HEY/YOU AND YOUR VIKING FRIENDS..."
VIDEO AND CHIPS
(1985-86)
HTV WEST
TECHNOLOGY SHOW for kids who found MICRO LIVE and 4 COMPUTER BUFFS too stuffy ("Games, a degrading waste of new technology" - Ian MacNaught-Davies). Presented by MICK BROWN (see Kelloggs' BMX Championships and those Pat Sharp duets), some woman and some cocky 14-year-old. Fairly broad outlook on computers but FUN! Games reviews had whatever presenter CSOed onto the game display. Cue Brown ducking to avoid planes in Fighter Pilot, or making "come on, then" gestures over Frank Bruno's Boxing. Attempts to seamlessly blend with colour clash-adorned ZX Spectrum graphics unsuccessful.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MAGIC MICRO MISSION MARGINALLY MORE MEMORABLE
VINTAGE QUIZ
(EARLY 1980s)
TVS
ANOTHER AFTERNOON vehicle for the redoubtable FRED "GAMBIT" DINENAGE. The object was to guess the age and/or value of various items. The scores were kept by man with old cars, Lord Montagu of Beaulieu, but alas he always got them wrong. The opening credits consisted of everyone driving around on an open top bus to the music "Get Out And Get Under".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU GOT A PROBLEM THERE?"
TONY HART was to ROLF HARRIS what SWAP SHOP was to TISWAS - the more sober counterpart. To keep the interest going in VISION ON (ostensibly a "hard of hearing"-aimed affair) while BEN BENISON (later SYLVESTER McCOY), WILF LUNN, PAT KEYSALL and COLIN BENNETT larked about on speeded-up film, Tony did big murals (though without any of Rolf's matey banter) and aerial art things. Ex-pat Czechoslovakian cartoons (a tortoise, marching bottle tops, some wibbly things inside a clock, The Burbles, who mused cod-philosophical nothings in large speech bubbles) and physical comedy (Lunn's exploding contraptions, pixillated DAVID CLEVELAND'S "The Prof", McCoy with a thing - feather boa-alike "The Woofenpuss" - whizzing up his trouser leg) abounded. Tight-fistedness of the Beeb revealed in ritual weekly shamed admission that they "can't return any of your pictures" submitted for the vibraphone-backed Gallery. There was "a prize" for any that were shown, though. Diddle-uh duh theme will remain immortal, as will handwritten reflected titles made into a sort of frog/bug thing ("Grogg").
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND IF I JUST ROTATE THIS 90 DEGREES..."
VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA
(1964-66)
IRWIN ALLEN
LAST (OR rather, first) piece in the Allen TV jigsaw had Admiral Nelson (RICHARD BASEHART) and Captain Crane (DAVID "FLY" HEDISON) aboard crack nuclear sub the Seaview, encountering rubber monsters of many kinds. There were many, many of these buggers, often repeating the same monster plots over and over again, involving werewolves, malignant orchids, superquids and, inevitably, Nazis. Don't forget Kowalski, Sparks and Sharkey, or the all-time classic line from the Menfish episode: "Quick! Prepare the wet mattresses!" Paregoric fun.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO FEATURING JAMES "SCOTTY" DOOHAN, JUNE "LOST IN" LOCKHART, WERNER "HOGAN'S" KLEMPERER, LESLIE NIELSEN, ED ASNER, ROBERT DUVALL, VINCENT PRICE, GEORGE "SULU" TAKEI AND JOHN CASSAVETES
VOYAGERS!
(1982)
NBC/SCHOLASTIC
RUBBISH PSEUDO-EDUCATIONAL time travellry with some fuckers called Phineas Bogg (ha!) and Jeffrey Jones traipsing aound various (American) historical events, and learning...well, sod all. Purported to "fix" parts of history that had somehow gone wrong, a procedure which inexplicably meant characters such as Lincoln and Aristotle meeting up.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HEY, KIDS! FIND OUT MORE AT YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY!" MESSAGE AT THE END, TO BOOT
INSUFFERABLE SCOUSE-BASED "adult" sitcom from VINCE "LOVE THY..." POWELL where greatest crime was once again not so much lazy-arsed ethnic stereotyping as not being the slightest bit damn funny. "Humour" derived from fact half of house were Catholic and the other half Protestant; plus one half supported Liverpool and the other Everton. Misery compounded by the appearance of objectionable adolescent-era KEITH CHEGWIN as teenage son Raymond, brother to Bernadette (sprightly 28-year-old ALISON STEADMAN), while mum and dad duties were handled by real-life married couple KEN JONES and SHEILA FAY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INEVITABLE APPEARANCE BY BROOKSIDE'S HARRY CROSS TICKED LAST OF MERSEYSIDE CLICHE BOXES
WACKY RACES
(1969-70)
HANNA-BARBERA
NO FURTHER explanation needed, surely? The most daredevil group of daffy drivers ever to whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races, competing for the title of the world's wackiest racer. The cars are approaching the starting line. And awaaaay they go...
The Turbo Terrific - Peter Perfect
The Buzz Waggon - Rufus Roughcut and Sawtooth
The Army Surplus Special - General, Sergeant and Private Pinkley
The Bulletproof Bomb - The Anthill Mob (who presumably later traded it in for Chugga Boom)
The Ring-a-Ding Convert-a-Car - "Ingenious inventor" Pat Pending
The Compact Pussycat - The lovely Penelope Pitstop, "the glamour gal of the gas pedal"
The Boulder Mobile - The proto-Cavey Slag Brothers, Rock and Gravel
The Creepy Coupe - The Gruesome Twosome
The Crimson Haybailer - Red Max
The Arkansas Chuggabug - Luke and Blubber Bear
The Mean Machine - Those double-dealing do-badders Dick Dastardly and his sidekick, Muttley
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND THEY'RE OFF - TO A STANDING START, AND WHY NOT? THEY'VE BEEN CHAINED TO A LAMPPOST BY SNEAKY DICK DASTARDLY - WHO SHIFTS INTO THE WRONG GEAR..."
WAIT TIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME
(1972)
HANNA-BARBERA/ITV
WHAT THE SIMPSONS once did for the Clinton decade, Wait Til Your Father Gets Home did for Nixon-era America, as titular dad Harry Boyle, voiced by TOM "HAPPY DAYS" BOSLEY and his wife Irma continually fretted about their three kids (fat frumpy Alice, proto-slacker Chet and annoying brat Jamie) and whether they were shagging around or smoking dope. Bit of a departure for H-B then, being based on the success of All In The Family (the American version of TILL DEATH US DO PART), and their last primetime effort in the States, although more usually to be found here on a Sunday afternoon or just before the News at 5:45. Despite the presence of that singular Hanna-Barbera canned laugh, you didn't get the jokes when you were seven, apart from the sliding-down-bannister/crockery-smashing incident in the titles, memorable also for Harry Boyle driving along the show's title in 1970s colourful lettering in the credits, before the roof flew off the family house at the end. Doubtless watched by Matt Groening on more than a few occasions, though the wacky next-door-"neighbor" in this case was anti-Communist nutcase, Ralph.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THAT THEME SONG IN FULL: "I LOVE MY MOM AND DAD AND MY BROTHERS TOO, AND THE GROOVY WAY WE GET ALONG. BUT EVERY TIME THE SLIGHTEST LITTLE THING GOES WRONG, MOM STARTS TO SING THIS FAMILIAR SONG. WAIT TIL YOUR FATHER GETS, UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS, WAIT TIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME. DAD'S NOT SO BAD, AND HE SELDOM GETS MAD, AND WE AREN'T ABOUT TO DESERT HIM. KIDS TODAY LIKE TO HAVE THEIR OWN WAY, AND WHAT DADDY DOESN'T KNOW, WON'T HURT HIM. I THINK MY MOM'S JUST SWELL, BUT SHE STARTS TO YELL, EVERY TIME WE HAVE A RUCK, JUST WAIT TIL YOUR FATHER GETS, UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS, WAIT TIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME, YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? WAIT TIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME...WE KNOW!"
WAKE UP LONDON
(MID 1980s)
LWT
ON SUNDAY Mornings, after TV-AM's eggcups faded into the ether, viewers in the London area were treated to this five minute oddity. A sort of non-specific what's-on guide to London with a vague narrative. Presented by The Vicious Boys (ANGELO ABELA and ANDY SMART, hot stuff for about half an hour in 1985) from various locations within the region, but towards the end always from the pavement outside LWT. Last series was presented by obscure double act Rabbitt and Doon, the latter being Doon "Smack The Pony" MacKichan.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CHANNEL 4 AMERICAN FOOTBALL BECKONED
THE WALL GAME
(MID 1980s)
THAMES
ONE OF the lamest ideas for a kids' show before Dick and Dom revived ASK THE FAMILY. Large wall made up of irregularly-shaped foam pieces was demolished at the start by a gang of nasty school children who then had to improvise a short drama around them. They could build anything at all, but it all had to come from that one big wall. Obviously.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LUMPEN
WALLY GATOR
(1962)
HANNA-BARBERA
EARLY, UNDISTINGUISHED effort from Bill and Joe, featuring an alligator who, in time-honoured H-B fashion, wore just a collar and tie. Nothing else. A hat, maybe. In the words of the forgettable theme song, Wally Gator is a swinging alligator in the swamp, and (we're quoting here), he's the greatest percolator when he really starts to romp.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THERE HAD, INDEED, NEVER BEEN A GREATER OPERATOR IN THE SWAMP
ONE OF those (now old chestnut) tales of a mentally handicapped kid experiencing the harsh realities of the world when his mum dies. Fifties period institution drama with a social point and lots of pigeon shit, handpicked by JEREMY ISAACS for the centrepiece of Channel 4's opening night on 2nd November 1982. Immediately became archetypal example of Isaacs-era OTT gloom wallowing. IAN MACKELLAN was Walt, STEPHEN FREARS directed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ABLY PARODIED BY SMITH AND JONES AS "WALTER AND SMYKE TRY TO MAKE A CUP OF TEA"
THE WAR GAME
(1965, BUT NOT SHOWN UNTIL 1985)
BBC
MICHAEL ASPEL announces the end of the world while a boy's face catches fire and a bloke's cabbages get squashed. Famously buried by a scared Beeb in the same place they now keep all those episode of Have I Got News For You with Paul Merton referring to Princess Diana as "an overblown tart". PETER WATKINS wrote and directed, inspired by the UK's then-hapless and half-arsed "official" plans on what to do when the balloon went up, i.e. send a man round on a motorbike to tell everyone to keep their head down. Resulting unrelentingly grim and grisly carnage still shocks today, and not just by having Asp on voiceover.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THIS WOMAN NOW HAS RADIATION POISONING, AND WILL DIE IN THREE DAYS"
BRINY QUASI-SOAP set aboard pretend HMS Hero, drifting through schedules and seven seas under the bristling helm of Commander Nialls (DONALD BURTON), and Lt. Commanders Beaumont (DAVID SAVILE) and Kiley (JOHN LEE). "Special relationship" with real Royal Navy meant occasional stock film footage of, er, random frigates interspersed proudly wooden studio-bound action in cabin, bridge and mess. Non-coms rarely got limelight; this was strict officer-only territory, devoting much hackneyed bluffery and lip-trembling to the resolution of nuclear attacks and fishing permits.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SCUTTLED
WASHINGTON - BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
(1977-78)
PARAMOUNT
MAMMOTH NIXON rehashing, with JASON ROBARDS as the crooked nutter Richard Monckton (names changed for legal purposes) and ROBERT VAUGHN the one pulling the strings, planting the mikes and cleaning up the crap. Ace teleprinter place and time titles.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WAITING IN THE WEST WING: STEFANIE POWERS, CLIFF ROBERTSON, LOIS NETTLETON AND ANDY GRIFFITH
GENERAL STUDIES for kids. Each term they had a different theme (eg India, the Crusades, Robinson Crusoe). Usually in charge were JAMES EARL-ADAIR and LOUISE HALL-TAYLOR, although the man/woman pairing changed frequently. Jolly piccolo and percussion theme and morphing plasticine titles ("Watch!" was the only lyric, spoken with vim and vigour at the start of the ninth bar).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."ROBINSON, ROBINSON, ROBINSON CRUSOE/ALL ALONE AND ALL ON HIS OWN"
THE WATER MARGIN
(1976-78)
NTV
PRE-DATING MONKEY, here came 108 plucky knights brought back from the dead to battle nastiness in the Orient, working out of their base in the titular wetlands of Lian Shan Po. Hero was Lin Chung, whose missus was called Hsiao. Tripitaka-like Hu San-niang carried two swords crossed on her back and fought with them simultaneously. Baddy (with Ming-style stringy moustache) was called Koa Chia. Voiced over here by, among others, BERT KWOUK and MIRIAM MARGOLYES.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ADAPTED BY DAVID WEIR
"IT'S BEAUTIFUL!" quoth Jane of Malcolm's crappy card trick at the start of this minimal MARGARET DRABBLE adaptation. LISA HARROW was the centre of inattention. Love-gamey rubbish.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MALCOLM PLAYED THE LUTE A LOT. THERE. A DETAIL.
WATERFRONT
(1985)
CHANNEL 4/AUSTRALIA
JACK THOMPSON loafs around a depression-era shipping union as WARREN "GARNETT" MITCHELL invents satire in a tin-roofed music hall.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IN SUPPORT: GRETA SCACCI IN RARE "CLOTHED" SCENARIO
THE WATERLOO BRIDGE HANDICAP
(1978)
PARAMOUNT/FETTER
ANOTHER OF those PLANK-esque short Britcom films, this one starring LEONARD ROSSITER as Charles Barker who boards the train last at Surbiton determined to be the first out at Waterloo and hence the winner, for the 15th consecutive time, of the Waterloo Bridge Handicap. Very little dialogue apart from Rossiter's thoughts expressed as voice-overs and BROUGH SCOTT's commentary. Apart from Rossiter's character, all the other racers are given horsey nicknames, eg Austin Reed (JOHN QUENTIN), Lincoln's Inn (IAN MARTER), Likely Lady (LYNDA BELLINGHAM), Red Hair (ZOOT MONEY) and Chubby Chap (GORDON KAYE).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PATRICIA HODGE HAD RARE "SPEAKING" PART
WATTOO WATTOO : SUPERBIRD
(EARLY 1980s)
FRENCH-DERIVED CARTOON about a bunch of greedy, untidy, irritable geese the Zwas who - hey! - exhibit the worst of our human foibles and in effect tell us a lot about ourselves. They do an activity each episode and inevitably fuck things up. Then it's left to Wattoo Wattoo who's been watching like some kind of smug social worker all this time to call down his friends from space, who clear it all up. Greenpeace morals, fuzzy animation and one notoriously uncensored sex education episode broadcast, in full gory detail (hot zwa action and all) at ten in the morning.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."EACH BIRD SUDDENLY MULTIPLIES INTO THOUSANDS OF WATTOOS, LIKE STARS IN THE SKY"
WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS
(1973-87)
BBC
PE COMPETITION overseen by stern-but-fair RON PICKERING and the noisiest thing ever on children's television. Games on the grass, then in swimming pool. Coloured polygons on T-shirts identified teams. Hopelessly complicated rules: "When I blow the first whistle, I want you to run down here, under the tarpaulin, taking the tennis ball from this post, go around these skittles, and put it in the basket. When I blow this swanny whistle, run back down to here with the wheelbarrow, pick up the quoit and throw it over to the bucket, then take the tennis ball over the see-saw..." Pickering's penchant for profuse sweating, especially around the nipple region, rendered many an episode not just unlistenable or incomprehensible but downright unwatchable.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AWAY YOU GO!"...SAID MICHAEL GRADE, PULLING THE PLUG
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