U-Z
2/3
Click to find your programme:
UFO to WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS
WE GOT IT MADE to THE WOOFITS
WORDS AND PICTURES to Z-SHED
U-Z |
Click to find your programme: |
|
RANK SITCOMMAGE from across the pond. Two single blokes share a flat, two single women live next door. Blokes get a vacuous blonde cleaner in. Much hilarity fails to ensue. Included here only as a reminder that FRIENDS nicked its basic scenario from here (and, incidentally, many of its jokes, too). TERI COPLEY, the dumb blonde, launched her career off this. UK syndication suffered badly by being scheduled just after repeats of PORRIDGE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONLY SLIGHTLY MORE BEARABLE THAN MY MOTHER, THE CAR
GLORIA HUNNIFORD brings you this undemanding TV-based Friday at 8:30pm celebrity quiz show, in uberLWT double-bill with ME AND MY GIRL, which passed the time whilst you waited for BLACKADDER on BBC2. Show's logo based on RKO's transmitting transmitter. Theme was a load of chorus girls chirping "No doubt about it, can't do without it, We Love TV!". Those C-list celebs so familiar from GIVE US A CLUE were popular here, paired with a member of the Great British Public.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO GUESS-THE-BILLING-FROM-AN-EDITION-OF-TV-TIMES ROUND, THOUGH
WE'LL TELL YOU A STORY
(MID-LATE 1970s)
THAMES
"IF YOU like to sing songs and you like to hear rhymes…" Post-nappies, pre-primary ten-minute lunchtime dittyfest airing before RAINBOW and presented by the impeccable CHRISTOPHER LILLICRAP, who did ten minutes with guitar and surrounded by cushions, er, singing songs, reciting rhymes and then, as promised, telling a story. Kids with spin-doctor ambitions moaned that the songs and rhymes were the same (nursery rhymes set to guitar) meaning that they only got half of what was promised. Still, the energy and uncle-like joviality of the host made it far more watchable than stuff like SONGBOOK as well as providing endless afternoon playtime chuckles over that surname.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WE'LL TELL YOU A STOR-REEEEE, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR"
WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING
(1986)
THAMES
UNSYMPATHETICALLY SLOW sitcom from the light channel, aired in the Monday 8pm slot and starring SAM "'TLER!" KELLY as mid-life doleite Les Brooks, desperately trying to come up with money-making schemes rather than getting a job and, you're way ahead, always failing. Archetypal ‘put-upon' wife Maureen (MARCIA WARREN) ended up becoming a barmaid to get real cash in. Because back then women only ever worked when their men were unemployed and useless, of course. Commercial break always came as a boon. Title of show mentioned, YES MINISTER-stylee, in every edition, though never as end-of-episode punchline in a show distinctly lacking in jokes. Six episodes and out.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MADE KELLY'S DECISION TO QUIT BEING ALLO ALLO'S THICKO CAPTAIN LOOK A LITTLE UNWISE
WEAVER'S GREEN
(MID-LATE 1960s)
ANGLIA
EARLY FAILURE of a location soap, a sort of "real life" CAMBERWICH GREEN, and one of the first to use portable video equipment. Crap all the same.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHITHER BRIAN CANT?
WELL-MEANING (OR not, depending on your allegiances) spin-off from top film Network, about a fictional TV station and all the bribery, baseness, corruption etc. going on down there. Sadly, it stiffed like a concrete horse, and was never asked back.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FEATURED RICHARD "VOYAGE" BASEHART AND ZALMAN "SOFT PORN ARTHOUSE CRAP FILM DIRECTOR" KING
WEDNESDAY NIGHT OUT
(1979)
LWT
BRIAN ROGERS-SATURATED variety show replete with much dreary singing, FRANK CARSON and most notably NAME THAT TUNE, with compere TOM O'CONNOR and two members of the public guessing piano notes "in three" accompanied by hypnotically humming, glitter-covered plywood wheel with points on.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."...SELECTED IN ADVANCE FOR THEIR KNOWLEDGE OF POPULAR MUSIC"
FIRST TV show to think that thunderously self-important po-faced analysis of politics would go down a treat at Sunday lunchtime. First TV show of its kind to keep on getting recommissioned despite less than 34 people watching. First TV show to put PETER JAY on camera. First TV show to put BRIAN WALDEN on camera. And, most importantly, the first TV show to get the axe once Greg Dyke took control of LWT. Guitar-heavy theme was Nantucket Sleighride by Mountain, personally selected by John Birt from...the record collection of John Birt.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."PWIME MINISTER, I WEALLY MUST STWESS THIS ISSUWE"
WELCOME BACK, KOTTER!
(1975-79)
ABC
IN BLOODY DEED. An unkempt JOHN TRAVOLTA winces at the memory of this pre-Hubbard yankoid PLEASE SIR! effort. GABRIEL KAPLAN took the JOHN ALDERTON role.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..AND YUP, THERE WAS EVEN A BOARD GAME
WE'LL MEET AGAIN
(EARLY 1980s)
LWT
FRIDAY NIGHT snail's pace-drama about US Air Force men stationed in rural England shires. Much talk about laddered nylons, sex in fields, liqour runs and "busting asses" not in evidence.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE BY PERENNIAL 'MILL FAVOURITE STUTZ BEAR CATS
WE'RE GOING PLACES
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
SORRY, THAT title's fooling no-one. Patronising do-this-do-that business with PETER "KICK START" PURVES on Friday afternoons, BBC1, telling you what was happening around the country that weekend and where to go hunting through mazes and plane-spotting.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CLOSING TITLES - THE MOST EXCITING THING OF THE SHOW - PANNED OUT FROM WGP OFFICE AT TELEVISION CENTRE
WHAT THE PAPERS SAY
(1956-DATE)
GRANADA
CAMERA-SHY JOURNO sits in empty studio and talks about how, while fellow journos are pissed-up burnt-out rabble-rousing ne'er-do-wells, the profession of journalism is the finest in the fucking world, and to prove it here's some headlines read in funny voices. Born on ITV, palmed off to C4 in 1982, retired to BBC2 from 1990. Still going, just.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEMINAL WHISTLEY WATCH-THE-PRESSES-ROLL TITLE SEQUENCE NOW FEATURES, GASP, COMPUTERS
WHAT-A-MESS!
(1980)
SMALLFILMS
A LATE and low-key entry in the considerable Postgate canon, but distinguished by the authentic Fruit & Nut lisp of narrator-creator FRANK MUIR. A moth-eaten blobby dog (which turned out to be a pedigree) and a little bird which nests on its head have mucky (in the literal sense) adventures.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CATCHPHRASE, UNSURPRISINGLY: "OH, WHAT A MESS!"
WHATEVER YOU WANT
(1982)
CHANNEL 4
NEEDN'T-HAVE-BOTHERED YOOFY show from the earliest days of Channel Four. Modern Romance, Bad Manners and The Specials lined up to be poorly interviewed by several nonentities, including KEITH ALLEN. Fortunately the whole thing was axed by Christmas, which given it'd only started at the beginning of November was good going indeed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CONFUSINGLY NAMED AFTER OLD QUO SONG; HOW "ON THE BALL" IS THAT?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
(MID 1980s)
CENTRAL
QUITE. A not-so-great line TOMMY BOYD's CV, wherein our hero fronted that most viewer-friendly propositions, a current-affairs based quiz for kids on ITV. Mildly famous for moment when Tommy related the tale of a boy who answered the question of "Name a poltician whose name sounds like a body part" with "Willy Whitelaw".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHO'S WATCHING?
WHAT'S MY LINE?
(1951-63, 1973-74, 1984-90, 1994-96)
THAMES/MERIDIAN/BBC/ITV
THE TYPE of prissy early TV parlour game in which the host was referred to as "Chairman". This remorseless conveyor belt of a series consisted of the most simple premise: a panel of celebrities (or grumpy bastards) would be challenged to guess the occupation of a never ending stream of members of the public. Why the programme wasn't called "What's My Job?" is, frankly, baffling. Even "In What Line Of Work Am I Currently Employed?" would have sufficed, albeit it's probably a bit of a mouthful. The early years of the series made an unwilling star out of sexually confused angry old man GILBERT HARDING, but wife of BERNARD BRADEN, BARBARA KELLY also struck a TV first by accomplishing the astonishing feat of becoming famous enough to appear on the panel, simply by appearing on the panel (the principle underpinning this extraordinary act of self-perpetuating feedback would later form the theoretical basis underpinning the title sequence to DOCTOR WHO, as well as provide a basis for the career of future PUNCHLINES "celebrity" guest ROSE-MARIE). WHAT'S MY LINE? proved to be extraordinary popular during its early years, and after its demise in 1963 it was only a matter of time before it made some form of return. That it did, first under the mantle of DAVID JACOBS, then in the shape of six long series for Thames Television in the late 80s. Unbelievably after original host EAMONN ANDREWS popped his clogs in 1987, Thames found an even more cantankerous presenter in the shape of first PENELOPE KEITH, then ANGELA RIPPON to take over. Since then, a Meridian helmed mid-Nineties comeback with EMMA FORBES in the role of "Chairman" has provided a muted postscript to one of television's grumpiest game shows.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND WILL OUR NEXT GUEST SIGN IN PLEASE..."
EE GADS! Now probably self-deleted from El Tel's memory banks, here dwelt Squire Wogan, behind a large desk, from which he would entertain guests, cue off-beat reportage and natter about what else was going on in Auntie Beeb. Theme song proclaimed "What's On Wogan, bah-dum-dee-dum", while magnetised letters bedecked Tel's desk in regular re-arranged anagrams (i.e. Wogan Won Hats). A mislaid maligned gem.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MOVING SWIFTLY ON!"
WHEELIE AND THE CHOPPER BUNCH
(1974)
HANNA-BARBERA
VOLKSWAGEN "WITH a mind of its own" (hmmm, sounds familiar...) and a gang of motorbikes have various minimalist highway adventures. Odd, to say nothing of sodd, H-B averagethon.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHEELIE PRONE TO GOING "CHAAAAAARGE!" WITH LIT-UP WORD ON WINDSCREEN WHENEVER THE NEED AROSE
THE WHEELTAPPERS' AND SHUNTERS' SOCIAL CLUB
(1974-76)
GRANADA
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
RUMBUSTIOUS ROARATHON from pretend working man's establishment somewhere in the north of England, compered by the deceased BERNARD MANNING and chaired by bell-ringing sidewarden COLIN CROMPTON. Memorably mixed line-ups found the likes of Gene Pitney or Bill Hailey rubbing bejacketed shoulders with baton twirlers, beauty pageants and belly dancers.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GIVE ORDER!"
WHEN THE BOAT COMES IN
(1976-81)
BBC
JAMES BOLAM laid the memory of THE LIKELY LADS to rest with this grisly 1920s depression-quest. Concerning the struggle of a bunch of Geordie ex-squaddies to earn a crust, a young SUSAN JAMESON put food on t' table as Bolam's long-suffering wife, and MALCOLM "OUR JOHN WILLIE" TERRIS propped up the bar with a pint o' black and tan. Pigeon lofts featured, as did a lot of clothes drying in the back yard and cross-class boundary politics. Cue plenty of clenched-fist-wringing angst. Don't worry lads, there's another war on the way.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHO SHALL HAVE A FISHY ON A LITTLE DISHY?"
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
(1979)
BBC
DAVID "HELLO THERE" JACOBS talks to various Suez-era celebs, now hopelessly old and frail and washed up, for macabre reminisences and "You're going to die" value.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."FACES COME AND FACES GO, FACES THAT WE USED TO KNOW"
WHERE THERE'S LIFE...
(1981-86)
YORKSHIRE
DRS MIRIAM STOPPARD and ROB "FUN AND GAMES" BUCKMAN host an early-evening medical chat show. Chirpy studio audience debate euthanasia and that boy who had his achilles tendon severed in graphic detail (everyone visibly clutches the backs of their ankles in discomfort). Much early-evening childbirth footage to boot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME, INCONSEQUENTIALLY, WAS THE DREADED "OXYGENE"
WHICKER'S WORLD
(1959-DATE)
BBC/YORKSHIRE/BBC
VERBOSE VOYAGES in a double-breasted suit. "Here, the streets of Bombay team with a multitudinous morass of sociological strata, the profligate penny-pinching panjandrums rubbing skyscraper-shoulder pads with rag-clothed ruffian roisters." Began as a well-attired segment in the middle of the TONIGHT programme, wherein our hero flew off - via BOAC - to a former colony and chatted with natives on scratchy film with the sound dubbed on afterwards at Lime Grove. Obvious spin-off potential was too good to resist, however, and so the series proper was born, replete with fantastic titles featuring a giant jet aeroplane taxiing off a runway to reveal a massive WHICKER'S WORLD logo underneath. Episodes invariably revolved around Alan earnestly trying to make sense of some new counterculture or other ("they call themselves flower children, though from what I could see, few would want this kind of fauna decorating their back garden") or jawing with a former dictator in cloth-backed chairs on the front lawn of an imperial villa, or riding in some glamorous means of transport with an equally glamorous starlet. Defected to Yorkshire TV in 1968 taking the brand name with him, ditto an increasingly fawning, alliterative-obsessed attitude to his eponymous planet. Filmed about a million boring jaunts to the Far East. Came back to the Beeb in the 1980s for spruced up theme (the one that went nah-nah-ner-nah, nah nah nah nah nah-ner ner, BANG BANG) and incorrect title sequence that showed an aeroplane taking off and Alan not on it. Series now branded with subtitles - Living With Uncle Sam, Living With Waltzing Matilda - implying the Whicker wanderer couldn't be arsed to travel around much anymore. Famously knocked back AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS, preferring AROUND WHICKER'S WORLD: THE ULTIMATE PACKAGE, a dreadful transglobal gander in the company of obnoxious zillionaires. Brand "rested" during much of the last 15 years, only to return in the form of Whicker's War, featuring the old bugalugs revisiting his days as a journo in Italy in the 1940s. Further jaunts are promised, despite Alan now into his 80s. Britain's finest export after The Beatles and the penny post.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."FLAUNTING ITS OWN AURA OF SERENITY AND SPLENDOUR...MOST OF US RELISH A BIT OF RAZZAMATAZZ...WE CAN ALL HEAR THE ECHO OF THAT ONCE-UPON-A-TIME TIN WHISTLE..."
KIDS' CAPERY featuring two chopper pilots Chuck Martin (KEN TOBEY) and Pete 'PT' Moore (CRAIG HILL). Stunt quota high. Gag quota low.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PRODUCED BY LUCILLE BALL AND DESI ARNAZ'S DESILU COMPANY
THE WHITE HORSES
(1968)
YUGOSLAVIA
IRON CURTAIN-PULLING impishness involving a 15-year-old girl called Julia whiling away the summer holiday on a horse farm and getting up to all kinds of, ahem, foal play. One of the creatures, named Boris, was usually responsible for triggering that week's adventure. Theme song a hit for Jackie "Rupert The Bear" Lee. Theme song not a hit for the Kitchens Of Distinction. But then what was?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."ON WHITE HORSES LET ME RIDE AWAY..."
EARNEST TEEN magazine of the kind that multiplied around the late 70s (see SOMETHING ELSE, THE OXFORD ROAD SHOW et al), boasting the usual discussions on censorship and awkward performances by new wave bands. Main personnel forgotten, with the exception of an early Gary "MERSEY PIRATE" Crowley.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LESS THAN ILLUMINATING
WHITTAKER'S WORLD OF MUSIC
(LATE 1970s)
WESTWARD
ATTEMPTING TO stretch his musical scope beyond ol' Durham town, ROGER WHITTAKER sang and hosted this lunchtime music'n'quiz engagement (including all-expenses-spared set and giveaway housewifey audience) in a variety of inappropriate cravats. The Bee Gees and Mary Hopkin turned up, The Clash did not.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHISTLEY ALTERNATIVE TO HOUSEPARTY
UNEASY - OK, shite - cross between the HARDY BOYS and WAR GAMES. Kids solve crime with a computer. Hour-long series of arse. And not a Chip-ite in sight!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DON'T RESERVE YOUR COPY NOW
THE WHIZZKID'S GUIDE
(1981)
SOUTHERN
VARIOUS COMEDY skits instructing kids on how to cheat/succeed/get up to mischief at achool. Advice was dished out by the unlikely combination of KENNETH WILLIAMS and ARTHUR MULLARD.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BASED ON THE BOOK OF THE SAME NAME BY PETER ELDIN
WHO DARES, WINS...
(1983-88)
CHANNEL 4
PAST-YOUR-BEDTIME BARBATHON with RORY "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?" MCGRATH, JIMMY "OWN COMPANY" MULVILLE, PHILIP "DID THE MUSIC" POPE, TONY "BALDRICK" ROBINSON and JULIA "2.4" HILLS. First series blessed with episode titles such as Who Dares Wins A Week In Benidorm and Who Dares Wins Frank Bough's Cardigan. Not bad sub-NOT THE NINE stuff: sarky pandas, coffee ads, SAS, "Who The Fuck Are You?" song, Hamlet ad with crucified Jesus, Robinson's arse on stage in Emperor's new clothes sketch.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ORIGINAL "ROTTING CURRY/VOMITING TRAMP" TITLES SET THE TONE
"MICK JAGGER visiting a laundrette? It would probably be something…like this…" Oh good lord. Bastard blueprint for the likes of COPY CATS, scripted by DICK VOSBURGH and BARRY CRYER, but bollocks all the same. Up-against-the-wall cast consisted of FREDDIE STARR, PETER GOODWRIGHT, FAITH BROWN, JANET BROWN and LITTLE AND LARGE. Guest turns, turn being the operative word (i.e. to another channel), came from, among others, LES DENNIS, DUSTIN GEE and MICHAEL BARRYMORE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS FOR THAT NASTY MIGRAINE-INDUCING PLAIN WHITE STUDIO BACKDROP...
WHO PAYS THE FERRYMAN?
(1977)
BBC
HOORAY! AFTER a long long wait, we've finally reached another Beeb Mediterranean thriller from the late 1970s (see THE APHRODITE INHERITANCE then work your way forwards). Suffice to say, all the usual gubbins plus JACK HEDLEY and GARETH "BLAKE" THOMAS. Ace oom-pah la-la-la theme tune remains a staple in brass band contests to this day.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU CAME TO CRETE TO LOOK FOR...?" "TO LOOK FOR ANSWERS, DAMMIT!"
EARLY EVENING Cluedo-based antics with first EDWARD WOODWARD then JON P'TWEE as chairman. Two celeb teams would be shown clips introduced by WILLIAM FRANKLYN about a murder and the panels would have to guess, err, who did it. Best remembered for slightly jazzy flute music theme tune and the fact PATRICK MOWER used to be a guest every week until the producers had to take him off as he was always working out the murderer correctly. To compensate him they let him introduce the programme when P'twee quit.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CREATED BY JEREMY "BEAKY" LLOYD AND LANCE "CALYPSO" PERCIVAL
EARLY MASTERPIECE from DAVID "ONE FOOT" RENWICK and ANDREW "2.4" MARSHALL, set amidst lunatic upper echelons of the world's governments balancing on cusp of World War Three. Ex-screen actor - do you see? - and newly lobotomised US President Johnny Cyclops (BARRY MORSE) squabbles noisily over nuclear supremacy with bloated Russian PM Dubienkin (RICHARD GRIFFITHS), dithering UK Prime Minister Kevin Pork (PETER JONES), his bluff Foreign Secretary (GEOFFREY PALMER, of course), international terrorist and master of disguise Lacrobat (JOHN CLEESE), and US special advisor "The Deacon" (JOHN BARRON). World is destroyed at the end, by mistake. ED BISHOP, LOU HERSCH, RIK MAYALL, ALEXEI SAYLE all in support, incredibly. Shoved out on bewildered Sunday night ITV audience. Never repeated - for shame.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CRAPPY FILM VERSION DOESN'T COUNT.
WHO'S AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD BEAR?
(1974)
THAMES
ANOTHER KIDS' comedy putative pilot from Thames, another crasher. This one involved a girl's love for a drippy bloke, and her parents' attempts to stop them getting together, involving an elaborate story about a large bear.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PENNED BY ADELE "BYKER GROVE" ROSE
WOO! PUBLIC access! Ten minute Children's ITV filler where a "video box" would trundle into a shopping centre and "the kids" could queue up and sound off about whatever they fancied. The resulting tapes always began with either "This is my pet rabbit", "I would like to complain about the fact us girls can't play football in school" or a burst of human beatbox followed by "We're on Who's Next and it's really cool". Still better than Takeover TV, though.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...REVIVED BY JACK DEE 10 YEARS LATER FOR NO HUMOUR WHATSOEVER
WHO'S THE GREATEST?
(1986)
THAMES
BRIAN "IT'S IN THERE!" MOORE fronted this self-explanatory yet ultimately disposable celebrity-endorsed battle of the sporting greats. For instance, PARKY would extol the virtues of (naturally) George Best, then Tom O'Connor would come on and say why Kevin Keegan was better. Then a 12-man jury would cast their vote (11-1 to Keegan, which was worth it just to see Parky's miserable face).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONE SEASON AND OFF
INVENTED, IT says here, by EAMONN ANDREWS. Who promptly - and sensibly - washed his hands of the whole affair. Epitome of how-to-fill-half-an-hour-of-TV before home video cameras were born: E-list celebrities turn up, get shown a blurry photo of a screaming brat, try to guess who the "celebrity" parent/s is/are, before said celebrity walks on and coos chummily. DAVID NIXON, ROY CASTLE and LESLIE CROWTHER all hosted pilots in the 1970s but it was BERNIE "MAKE ME LAUGH" WINTERS who went the distance through those long, desperate early evenings of the 1980s.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IS YOUR DADDY FAMOUS?"
WHY DON'T YOU?
(1970s-80s)
BBC
FULL TITLE was, as everyone knows, the unfortunately ironic "Why Don't You Just Switch Off Your Television Set And Go Out And Do Something Less Boring Instead?" Hit and miss affair wherein a regional gang of stage school brats offered up Things To Do during the summer holidays. The Belfast Gang, The Cardiff Gang, The Geordie Gang...all became legends in their own lunchbreak. Recipe section (e.g. digestive biscuits crumbled up in milk) often an unfortunate metaphor for show as a whole. Tennis-ball-puppet-pops-out-of-box-held-by-hand joke slots jostle in the memory with that of the Dorris, an invisible creature who'd spook the kids at a whirlwind pace. RUSSELL T DAVIES was involved for a while. Can't you tell?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NOW HERE'S A LETTER FROM TRACY IN NEWCASTLE-UNDER-LYME WITH A SUGGESTION FOR WHAT TO DO WITH LEFTOVER CONTAINERS OF ICE MAGIC..."
WIDE AWAKE CLUB
(1984-88)
TV-AM
ANTISOCIALLY-TIMED SATURDAY morning child rambunctions and the first proper "hit" kids show to come out of Eggcup Towers. TOMMY BOYD, JAMES BAKER and ARABELLA WARNER were your initial hosts, latterly joined by the delightful MICHAELA STRACHAN and the hateful TIMMY MALLETT. Features included the News In 90 Seconds, recipes from viewers in WAC Snax, historical tales re-enacted with knowing amateurishness in Ghosts, Monsters and Legends, and Talent on the Telly giving airtime to attention-seeking adolescents. MIKE MYERS showed up towards the end to do the Sound Asleep Club. Weekday school holiday spin-off WACADAY was Mallett's fiefdom, graced by such compulsively awful addictive shlock as Mallett's Mallet and also Bonk'n'Boob, surely the only kids game show in history to boast not one but two suggestive words in the title. Whole franchise somehow got sunk during TV-am's industrial strife of 1988, with a couple of subsequent "relaunches" under suspiciously contract-dodging names (WIDE AWAKE, WAC '90) a poor epilogue.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND GO 'BLLLUURRRRRGGGHHH'"
FIRST-RUN LYNDA LA PLANTE-ation had the wives of three cons who die in a botched heist doing the next planned job themselves. ANN MITCHELL, MAUREEN O'FARRELL and FIONA HENDLEY were the mask-wielding marauders - with attitude! - while EVA MOTTLEY (later DEBBY BISHOP) tagged along to make up the numbers. Sub-feminist stuff, but way way above La Plante's post-Prime Suspect latterday offerings.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DON'T YOU BLAHDY BOTTLE IT NOW, DARLIN'"
WILDE ALLIANCE
(1978)
YORKSHIRE
FALTERING ATTEMPT to Anglicise HART TO HART and the like, with JOHN "MAIN CHANCE" STRIDE and JULIA FOSTER as crimewriter Rupert and missus Amy Wilde chancing upon seedy nastiness in the Vale of York. Strangely, it didn't catch on.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DESPITE REGULAR APPEARANCES FROM PATRICK "MOTHER" NEWELL
SLIGHTLY SURREAL yet totally unfunny sitcom starring ROBIN DRISCOLL and DAVID SIBLEY as two losers who spent all their time in a seedy flat and a seedier pub. GARY "2.4 CHILDREN" OLSEN was also in it as a local villain.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-WRITTEN BY BOB "SMITH &" GOODY
MANY A first viewing of MIDNIGHT COWBOY's Florida daydream sequence will have been ruined by childhood exposure to TONY SOPER's Britnature miscellany (MIKE JORDAN took over towards the end), which featured John Barry's parping soundtrack for the theme. The actual programme (female co-presenter SU INGLE) was fatally flawed in concentrating mainly on "the wildlife of the British Isles", hence endless reports on the grass snake and endangered species de nos jours, the Peregrine Falcon and Natterjack Toad.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NOW, LET'S SEE HOW THOSE CHICKS ARE GETTING ON"
SUBLIME SIMPERING nonsense that began as an animated campaign to promote North Sea oil. Titular apparition was created by artist Nick Spargo and leant pipes by KENNETH WILLIAMS, despite the Beeb telling Spargo "it would be wrong to have Williams's voice just before the news". Instead Willo became, basically, Kenny, the nosey narrator of life in Doyley Woods wherein dwelt a menagerie of freaks and fancies: Mavis Cruet, hapless fairy; Carwash, learned cat; Arthur, world-weary caterpillar; Evil Edna, monstrous walking TV; the Moog, pig-shaped dog who was thick; and Twit the bird. There was also an ugly prince who kept being turned into a frog and vice versa. And space aliens visited in one episode. Perhaps.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IT WAS ANOTHER ORDINARY DAY IN DOYLEY WOODS, WHEN SUDDENLY..."
THAT'S LIFER CHRIS SERLE stoically presided over this fantastic Sunday lunchtime BBC classic clips round-up based around a different theme every week: 'Night', 'Holidays' and so on. Ace theme tune ripped off 'Two Tribes' but to good effect. Weird impressionist Windmill logo popped up in odd animations, including memorable 'space invader' game. Sparse black studio, peppered with old gramophones and stuff like that. Classic Comedy Moment every week, i.e. Margot falling over in the mud. That London-Brighton-in-three-minutes clip turned up a few times as well. Named after the Beeb's Windmill Road archive in Brentford.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HELLO"
WEIRD DEATH thing about a couple's funeral in a society where no-one cops it except by agreement. Featured ANNETTE CROSBIE, BRIAN BLESSED, NICHOLAS "RUMBOLD" YOUNG and IAN "SAINT" OGILVY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FROM THE PEN OF NIGEL "QUATERMASS" KNEALE
TIM "SON OF EDWARD" WOODWARD and NICHOLAS "BROTHER OF GEMMA" JONES lead dull canter through life in the Royal Flying Corps during WW1, with occasional beefed-up flying sequences slung in to hook the viewers. In no way familiar twist of depicting personal struggle against the winds of war. Yokel country boy Alan Farmer overcomes predictable class prejudice to enter ver Corps, befriending Etonian buffer Charles Gaylion, who nicks his girlfriend Lorna, then mouths off when Farmer gets too familiar with his own sister.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SO, YOU WANT TO JOIN THE ROYAL FLYING CORPS?"
WINNER TAKES ALL
(1975-87)
YORKSHIRE
CHIRPY, GAP-TOOTHED scouser JIMMY TARBUCK waffled chummily through this tatty provincial gamblo-general knowledge quiz. Multiple choice questions had answers going from Evens to risky 10-1, with contestants gambling virtual money on the outcome. Done on the cheap; sets coloured a drab grey with no flashing lights, no revolving score boards nothing. Voiceover question-setter and game deviser GEOFFREY WHEELER took over as main host when the Tarbmeister moved on to TARBY'S FRAME GAME.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DIFFERENCE OF OPINION HERE, GEOFF!"
WINSOME WITCH
(1960s)
HANNA-BARBERA
LITTLE-KNOWN H-B short about Winnie the Witch who can't do anything right. Problems with broom and getting-into-position as it comes shooting past. We've all been there.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CATCHPHRASE SOMETHING LIKE "UP UP AND AWAYYY!" AND THEN FALLS FLAT ON ARSE
FEMALE VERSION of SECRET ARMY, essentially, depicting the antics of British undercover agents aiding the resistance in Nazi-occupied France during WW2. Penned by Lavinia Warner and Jill Hyem, previously responsible for the boils-and-all realism of TENKO. SUZANNA HAMILTON and KATE BUFFERY were the two lead operatives, while JANE ASHER co-ordinated proceedings from London's War Office.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO FEATURED JULIAN GLOVER, LYNN FARLEIGH AND CATHERINE "SPACE 1999" SCHELL.
WISH YOU WERE HERE...?
(1974-DATE)
THAMES
NOT REALLY. Basically a rip-off of HOLIDAY only with less about insurance rates and more tits'n'tinsel. Main gimmick from the off was having the presenter helm proceedings from a glittering foreign vista as opposed to hunkering down in a shabby studio, which sounded inspired but in reality meant JUDITH CHALMERS sashaying awkwardly along a dirty shoreline in Costa Plonka while ugly kids ran into shot and local shouted obscenities. Benefited from the 1970s package holiday boom in that if all else failed there was always another resort to visit and bunch of red-faced ill-at-ease Brits to interview. CHRIS KELLY supplied early roving reports from Lake Windermere or, when there was enough in the kitty, Boulogne ("Incredibly, the hovercraft now takes just 45 minutes!"). Became a 7pm weeknight fixture. Chalmers-baiting orange-related gags entered the routines of the laziest comics in the land. Somehow soldiered on through the decades and never officially got axed, though it's not been seen on screen for a fair while, and at some point Judith was jilted to make way for MARY NIGHTINGALE. Charming chirpy theme tune, a flute-furnished elevator music mini-masterpiece, bedecked the show during its imperial 1980s era.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND PLEASE, DON'T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR E111"
THE WITCHES AND THE GRINIGOG
(1983)
TVS
SOME MIDDLE class children (naturally) go to visit a small village during the school holidays. A tall boy was in charge, with a crap Richard Ashcroft haircut. At a local jumble sale the youngest brat buys this little stone fella she thinks is a gnome, but is in fact, the grini. The local bag ladies start cooing over it and flashing their emerald green garters at the kids; apparently all the grini followers must wear some green on their person. Next Mr Alabaster turns up - he had a booming West Indian accent and a neat pinstripe suit and dog collar. It's Mr. A who identifies the grini: "Tis u Grinigog, dat whut dit tis". The next few episodes explain how the witches were all persecuted in the middle ages, but that the clever true (good) ones actually turned into birds or cats and finally into mid eighties bag ladies. At the end all the bag ladies prance about with Mr Alabaster who is dolled up as an African witch doctor. Hmm. The credits showed the animated persecution of the witches in the middle ages but in the style of "wood cuts".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FEATURING ADAM WOODYATT AND ANNA WING
INAUSPICIOUS ROLE for rarely-popular Scots actress KATE 'COPSTICK' COPSTICK as a masked android/alien/robot/who cares thing given simple puzzles to solve by her computer.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DO THE BIZ WITH WIZ!" YES, THERE WAS A RAP AT THE END
"TIME CAME to grow a bit, grow a bit, grow a bit." Oh, for the love of. Awful, awful kid's chromakey whimsicality, masterminded by, of all people, PAUL "COUNTERWEIGHTED DOOR" DANIELS. Title thing was a three-foot cone that "did" magic, aided a giant mute rabbit. Collectively they battled some evil bastard or other, who lived inside a giant floating fist, guarded by VICKY LIQUORISH. There was also a "squidgy bog". "His daddy then told him, told him, told him..." Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HA, HA, THISAWAY" WENT THE THEME. THIS WAS THE CONTRIBUTION OF HIS WIFE, "THE LOVELY".
WKRP IN CINCINNATI
(1978-82)
MTM/CBS
RADIO STATION in Ohio gets made over as a rock network with associate ratings-chasing antics. Ace US sitcommage with GARY SANDY, GORDON JUMP (yes!) and LONI ANDERSON clonking the faders. Theme: "Baby, if you ever wondered/Wondered whatever became of me/I'm living on the air in Cincinnati/Cincinatti WKRP/Got kinda tired of packing and unpacking/Coast to coast (poss. state to state?), up and down the dial/Baby, you and me were never meant to be/Just maybe think of me once in a while.../I'm at W!K!R!P! in Cincinaaaaa-aaatttttiiii..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BRITISH TERRESTRIAL TELLY SPARED THE LAMENTABLE 90S REVIVAL
WODEHOUSE PLAYHOUSE
(1975-78)
BBC
PERMANENTLY RAISED eyebrow-enhanced anthology of PG's scribblings with spats, flappers, cummerbunds and blaggards well to the fore. Every episode starred Mr and Mrs PAULINE COLLINS and involved mistaken identities, mistaken engagements, mistaken social niceties, mistaken trousers and tiffin. Early editions introduced by the man himself, Hitchcock-style, looking discomfited.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BEST NOT FANNY ABOUT, MATER!"
LIVE FROM the verdant pastures of Shepherd's Bush Green, this was light-touched and louche chattery at its most imperial - and we won't hear otherwise. Born out of El Tel's Saturday night PARKY-replacement stints, Terrence took up residence at the BBC Television Theatre the same week as EastEnders began as part of Michael Grade's grand plan for beating the shit out of ITV. And for a time it worked. Millions tuned in, knowing there'd always be somebody of interest on Wogan's sofa, or if not then a topical reference to something that'd been on telly earlier ("I see they've changed the Six O'Clock News set again!") or later ("so why not join me, for the first in a new series...of DALLAS" cooed Tel, introducing the show via a massive monitor on the wall behind him). There was talk of it going five nights. "I am but my master's keeper," quoth Terrence. Some of the gloss started to come of, though, c.1988 when the guests started becoming all newsy and topical instead of glittery and glamorous. Stand-in hosts dropped from the calibre of KENNETH WILLIAMS to BEN ELTON. Then the show started getting dropped whenever the Beeb could find a reason, like when there was a football match on and, instead of Tel popping up for five minutes just to reassure us he was still there, he was nowhere to be seen. Big budget stunts like meeting Madonna just looked hammy and contrived. The final insult was being axed in 1992...for something infinitely worse (i.e. ELDORADO). Much missed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SUBLIME ORIGINAL OPENING TITLES HAD 'WOGAN' CAPTION FLYING OVER LONDON AT NIGHT
THE WOMBLES
(1973-75)
FILMFAIR/BBC
UNDERGROUND, OVERGROUND... and oversold during the seventies, if you ask us. Were two films and countless singles and albums really necessary? MIKE BATTery aside, the original stop-mo series was a cracker. The furry, prehensile-nosed Wombles (Great Uncle Bulgaria, Tobermory, Orinoco, Bungo, Tomsk, Wellington, Madame Cholet, Adelaide) tidied up Wimbledon Common with their tidy-bags, making good use of the things that they found. BERNARD CRIBBINS narrated as well as can be done.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WE CAN REMEMBER THE DAYS WHEN HE WASN'T BEHIND THE TIMES WITH HIS MAP OF THE WORLD..." STOP THAT NOW!
EDUCATIONAL SERIES featuring a talking, poorly-operated puppet skeleton whose eyes lit up teaching Canadian kids about the body. The show was hosted by weatherman Richard Zurawski, produced in Nova Scotia and inexplicably exported all over the world for other kids to see and puzzle over. The skeleton was named Bonaparte (get it? bone-apart). Nope, ee didn't think it was particularly funny either. Regularly featured little kids being amazed by the water cycle, how hurricanes form, and all other science-oriented stuff.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...VERY POOR MAN'S JOHNNY BALL
WONDER WOMAN
(1978-80)
WARNER BROTHERS
ACTUALLY CALLED THE NEW ORIGINAL WONDER WOMAN. Guh? LYNDA CARTER did the flying/lasso schtick. Spun around to change costume, had Feminum belt to give strength, Feminum bracelets to deflect bullets, etc. Always seemed to be cloning Hitler in every other episode. Assisted by the IRA. No, not that one.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IN YOUR SATIN TIGHTS/FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHTS"
WONDER YEARS, THE
(1989-93)
US/CHANNEL FOUR
"I DIDN'T realise it at the time, but it was at that moment my relationship with dad changed...utterly." Hugely addictive now-and-then coming-of-age soft-focused nostalgia, neatly wrapped up into half hour Cocker-capped capsules spun from the mind of a toothy FRED SAVAGE and the voiceover of DANIEL STERN. Over a hundred or so episodes our hero Kevin Arnold ("And then there was me - the klutz!") grows from a big-cheeked scamp to a world-weary, though not always world-wise, high school student along with best mate Paul Pfeiffer (JOSH SAVIANO) and "best girl" Winnie Cooper (DANICA MCKELLAR), along the way doing just about everything Americans grown-ups of the late 80s thought American kids did in the late 60s/early 70s (go camping, get spots, fall out with dad, make up with dad, join the school choir, get a job delivering pizza, go to a "make out party", wave a brother off to war, see a sister hook up with Ross off Friends, and fall in and out of love with the girl next door a million times). Sure, it was shamelessly saccharine at times ("The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves...for growing up") but for every bludgeoning bon mot there were the escapades of dopey older brother Wayne ("Hamster patrol!"), no-nonsense dad Jack, doe-eyed mum, sorry mom, Norma, and the butt of a thousand sight gags, Coach Ed Cutlip.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE KID YOU'RE A BIT OF EVERYTHING; SCIENTIST, PHILOSOPHER, ARTIST. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE GROWING UP IS GIVING THESE THINGS UP ONE AT A TIME..."
THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF D****Y
(1970s)
D****Y
GENERALLY, OUR time period was mercifully D****y-free. Hardly any films made (The Rescuers, Fox and Hound... please!) and only the dread Bank Holiday signifier of D****Y TIME (SARAH GREENE schlepping around Drayton Manor Park and Zoo, introducing clips from Dumbo) and the occasional Bedknobs and Broomsticks clip on SCREEN TEST. But this abomination of a "true-life adventure" dull animal half-hour with condescending narration really took the tedium biscuit. Use of "wonderful" in the title still open for legal prosecution. Shite.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THIS IS THE FIRST TIME HE'S VENTURED AWAY FROM THE NEST...WOAH, LOOK OUT, LITTLE FELLER!"
PRIMARY SCHOOL afternoon maths frolics with Plymouth's finest CHRISTOPHER LILLICRAP as the hapless Zak cruising the galaxy in the spaceship Investigator and encountering and solving basic mathematical and geometrical problems with the help of Stella (SITA RAMAURTHY) and Hudson, the "no-good robot" (voice of JONATHAN IZARD). Problems included drifting through a "Sea of Reflections", getting caught in a space spider's web that wouldn't tesselate and working out the junctions on a space motorway.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CRACKING OPENING THEME FROM ROGER "PAH, PAH-PAH PAAAAH!" LIMB AND, OF COURSE, LILLICRAP HIMSELF
THE WOOFITS
(EARLY 1980s)
YORKSHIRE
MISERABLE BASTARD MICHAEL PARKINSON of all people did this series about some old-fashioned Yorkshire dog-things called John Wooley, Elton and Gaylord. Crap animation to boot (tut tut - we'd expect more from "a journalist").
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WOOF, WOOF, WOOF. WE ARE THE WOOFITS." THAT WAS THEIR "SONG"
U-Z |
Click to find your programme: |
|