This is Adrian.

It's Adrian's second birthday today, and as you can see, like a normal two-year old, he's getting in all sorts of mess with his cake. His parents love him very much indeed. They love him especially much because he is a very special child. If you look closely, you might see what is so special about him - that's right, he has the head and face of a monkey. Christ knows how that happened. But it did.

This clearly can't go on. It's ridiculous. Adrian will soon be going to kindergarten, and the other children's sense of the ridiculous is likely to be cruel. So, on behalf of Adrian and his parents, we need your help.

We don't need money. That would be greedy. What we do need is spare monkey parts - monkey legs, monkey arms, a monkey torso, monkey lungs etc. - so that we can rebuild Adrian into a complete monkey, not the disturbing hybrid you see before you now.

The little guy just needs a break, for God's sake!

Send your monkey components to Rachel Baker and she'll look after them till we have the full set. She's a pioneering surgeon or something.

Ta!