It's Creatures Galore!

with Billie Piper!

Hiya! 

It's me, Billie!  Yes!  I'm not all singing, you know, I like animals and creatures too, so you can imagine how thrilled I was to be asked to write this column for Gorilla Salad.  Try to imagine just how thrilled I am now.  Maybe imagine me jumping up and down on my bed in my jym-jams going "Yayyyyyyyyyy!!!".  Or maybe imagine me just giving a double 'thumbs-up' and grinning.  Have you finished imagining?  Good.

Anyway.  Many of you have written to me saying that you saw me on the excellent Zoo programme on BBC1, where I was feeding a honey-monkey with a test tube full of honey.  Some of you have asked me if I was acting when I said I liked the monkey, even when it did a poo on me.  The answer is "No!!! Of course not!" - I love all monkeys and don't need to pretend that I like them. I've even taken in some monkeys to live with me!  Here is how (and why) I have done that.

When I was 'filming' at London Zoo, I learned about the heart-rending plight of the honey-monkeys and their other monkey brothers and sisters.  Basically, the zoo doesn't have room for all the monkeys, and London Council won't let them build cages on top of each other (in a big pyramid like they want to) to make more space.  So some monkeys are just posted to random addresses in the hope that the recipient will look after them.  I was shocked to hear about this - can you imagine being posted?  Can you?  All hot and wrapped in brown paper?  Not even able to read the address of where you were going, because it's on the outside of your envelope and besides, you can't read?  It must be awful.  I decided that something must be done, so I sneaked off to the postroom and changed all the addresses to my address in London's Notting Hill, and waited for them to arrive the next day.  I couldn't sleep!!  I was waiting in the front garden for the postman and boy! was he puffing and huffing under the weight of twenty bulging sacks as he came up my path!  He didn't know what was going on!

"You've got a fair amount of fan mail today, Miss Piper!", he gasped.  "Some of it seems to be moving, too!"

"Oh, they must be furbies - fans are always sending me those!" I lied through my teeth, and laughed.

So, I piled up all seventy-nine parcels in my hall, and then opened them up.  I examined my new friends - and oh! they were in a sorry state, I can tell you! They were very hungry and squashed, and some were bleeding from where I'd been a bit clumsy with the letter opener!  I thought I'd better find out how to look after them, and so I called Ms. Szasz, my personal vet.  She said yes, and she would come over right away!

Ms Szasz stood there in the hall, surveying the monkeys and shaking her head while she chewed her glasses and rubbed her shoe up and down her calf.

"What should I feed them?" I asked.  It seemed the most important question.

"Well," said Ms Szasz, "They're mostly honey monkeys, so they'll need lots of honey - hence the name.  Honey should do for the rest of 'em, too.  But you'll never be able to afford enough honey for seventy-nine monkeys, not on the minimum wage.  You'll have to produce it yourself."

What could Ms Szasz mean by that?  Surely that was crazy-talk?  My voice may be as smooth as honey, but you can't eat it - it's my livelihood!

"You must be thinking that's absurd," said Ms Szasz..  I nodded dumbly (but prettily). "It's not at all - it is possible for the human female to actually produce honey instead of milk.  It isn't easy, and there are lots of injections and drugs to eat.  You'd have to be a very dedicated monkey-lover to undergo mammary gland-hive conversion.  It can be rewarding, but the side-eff..."

"I'll do it!!!!" I cried.  "I'll do it like a shot, I don't care if sweet, sweet honey ravages my young body - Christ, it's almost like I wrote Honey 2 The B as some kind of kooky prophecy!"

"Um, yes, sure," said Ms Szasz.  "I'll go and get the drugs and the CAT scanner.  You watch those monkeys while I'm gone - look, it's mayhem already!" A gibbon was eating my pipe, while two capuchins were shitting into my hat!

Don't blush - it's quite natural!

So, two weeks later and I'm typing this while a contented spider-monkey* - Mr Pops - suckles honey from my breast.  My very own honey!  Made by me!  It's soooo cool, I feel like I'm mum to seventy-three dear little monkeys (sadly, some were fatally allergict to my bra).  Most of them are asleep right now, so shhhh!

Every day I have to eat loads of Royal Jelly and ice-cream to keep my dugs productive.  Over the last few weeks I must have drunk gallonzzzz of the stuff, like Timothy West.

I take the monkeys everywhere with me in a big pram, and passers-by always stop to pet them.  They don't even notice that it's me, Billie, pushing them around!  But I don't mind - it's nice to be out of the limelight once in a while.  Sometimes people stare and make rude comments when I feed my monkeys on the Tube, but I just hold my head up high and they look away, ashamed.  It's quite natural, after all.

The only side-effect of the bee-hormone treatment has been to make my previously waspish waist more beeish - bumble beeish, if I'm brutally honest!  But it's a small price to pay for the love and affection my little monkey children give me.  Every day.

Anyway, that's all for now, but if you have any questions about me or my monkeys, you can mail me at:

billiepiper@robiad.freeuk.com

I'd love to hear from you.

I'm visiting the Natural History Museum soon, to see what creatures I can find there, so be sure and check back here!  I expect I'll have all sorts of adventures!!!  Maybe the dead skellingtons will come to life!!! Oo-er!!!

loads of luv and be h-a-p-p-y!

billie xxx

P.S.  Maybe you're imagining how I'd use my new honey-producing breasts in other situations - say, working in an American diner and serving waffles with honey on them.  Would I cradle the waffle like a baby, and apply honey directly on to it, or would I stand on the counter and drizzle honey onto the waffle with showmanship and flair?  Well, the answer is: NEITHER!!!!  My honey is for monkeys, not for fat Yanks!!!  I won't let my babies go without.  You monster!  Besides, my honey is not fit for human consumption - so don't go getting any more dirty ideas!

 

*They don't eat spiders - silly!

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Billie appears courtesy of 4AD Records