It's Billie Vs. Me, MD Cribuffs

Hello Billie.

I hope you had a nice journey to my secret tower.

Okay enough bush bashing, internet rumours say you done bad. So why don't you believe in Tony Hart?

Yikes! I never said that!!! Where did you get that from? Really, some of these internets about me are just made-up!

Anyway, I
do believe in Tony Hart, silly! I met him when I went to record my track for the forthcoming Pokemon film, he is designing some of the Pokemon helpers. He had to recycle Gillespie to make their guns and he gave me one of Gillespie's red buttons, which was left over. So he's a bit like an honary grandad! If you're reading this, Mr Hart (and I've seen his computer!) don't worry, I know you're real, I've touched your hand!

So you hang out with Mafioso? You truly have
hidden depth, hoary grandad indeed. What is up with you and all that animal shit?

Hee hee!!! It does get a bit messy, doesn't it? You should have seen my clothes when I had my monkeys (sniff)!!! I'm afraid that not even my brilliant stylist, (Hiya Sam!!!) could make me look good with all that baby chimp poo on my clothes!

Anyway, they're not animals, they're 'creatures' - don't be so rude. No really, I do love creatures - each and every one of them. Even the baddies, like wasps and snakes. I don't get too close to them though - I had a wasp bite me when I was five, and my hand swelled up like a balloon!!! Can you imagine??!!! I can't believe that those women get wasps to sting them on the mouth, just to make theire lips look pouty. That's madness!!!

OK, next question? Oh, and could you take that hat off - it's really distracting me.


I bet you would! all the ladies love a sailor... erm man with red hair. Flame red it is... look. You're all better now after your rest at the mental house and you no long believe you can talk to the creatures like Dr. Doo?

Mental house? What? What? Oh, ha ha, I see how you have been confused!!! I did go to a Mental House - to see Richie!! He has not been at all well in the head! A couple of weeks ago, he was spouting all sorts of nonsense about him being better than me, because he had a titchy number one single!!! However much I pointed out that I had had 2 number one singles, and a number one album (which has gone platinum!) he just would not stop singing 'I'm The King of the Castle!' in a high-pitched voice, and bouncing on my bed. So I called Ms Szasz round - she's my vet - and she shot him with a tranq gun, then had him committed straight away. He's out now, all apologetic, with his tail between his legs. You should see him creeping about sheepishly - 'Oh, Billie, I was so wrong, you are the Princess of Pop, not me! Can I get you some Nesquik?'. Tee hee!

AND TO ADDRESS YOUR SECOND POINT, it's only some creatures I can talk to, not all of them, that would be silly!! Creatures like beetles, bears (kodiak of course!), cavemen a-a-a-n-d.... oh, unicorns, I expect.

NASA wants you for a moon beam, is that true?

Who told you that?!! Well, it is a bit true - my people at Virgin have been in discussion with top NASA sciengtists about my doing some work for them. The plan is for my face to be inscribed on a gold plaque and then sent to space, for all the aliens to see. Apparently, I am deemed the perfect ambassador for the earth, probably because I represent not only humans, but all the creatures. Hurray!!!

Anyway, it's going to say 'Because We Want To' under my chin. I don't know if that's a good idea really - it sounds a bit pushy. When I released the single, it had everybody in a tizz because all the grown-ups thought I was telling kids to be naughty and do things just because they wanted to! Of course I wasn't!!! I'm a firm believer in law and order - especially stealing and the environment.

So I'm worried about the aliens thinking that's what I am saying, even though I am not. I'd prefer it to say 'She Wants You', because I want to meet the aliens one day. That's where the negotiations stand at the moment - I'm afraid we're at a sticking point. It happens alot.

Is Richie your boyfriend or a big beef lorry?


Yes, he's my boyfriend. Sorry, guys!!!! I'd love to go out with you all, but I don't think it would be right!!! But keep sending me all those letters and pictures and internets, they always make me grin and laugh!!! Keep playing 'hide and seek' with me in the street, as well, Toby!!! I know you're there! I can see the eyeholes in your Smash Hits!!!

As for Richie being 'a big beef lorry', well, I'm not sure about that. Some of the others in 5ive said something about a 'pork juggernaut' once, and then just went red when I asked them what they meant. They are silly sometimes. What are you on about, again?

So Richie is a beef lover?

As for Richie loving beef, well yes, he loves all food. I wouldn't know about beef especially, I make him eat in the utility room.

Are you in talks with the Sony Corporation of Japan about making robot Billies? I understand they would be available to the public at retail as well as used as UN peace keeping troops and mutant hunters.

Well, that's almost right. I'm contractually excluded from working for Sony - my record label is Virgin, and Mr. Branston is the sworn enemy of Mr. Sony. He goes like Yosemite Sam when you mention him in his presence!!!! Oo-eerrr!

But, yes, there is a plan to make robot replicas of me. It's dead exciting - they have to take special moulds of all my body to make the robot skin, which goes over the metal skellington. Well, not all my body. The technical people told me that they were going to be used to lessen my workload - sending them out to Basingstoke and the like for public appearances. Thank goodness!!! I think I'll die if I ever have to meet any of my public again!!

Anyway, I like the idea of peace, so I hope they use them for that. But I'm not happy with mutant hunting - mutants are creatures too!!! We have to love all creatures, and mutation is as much a part of nature as phenotypal adaptation by natural selection, although it's not always benficial!!! I've been doing some publicity for the Mouse DNA project - they are trying to copy and write down the whole genetic code of little mouse!!! I offered to help (I was good at making up codes at school), but they said that I should stick to my strengths. Which
is pop.

OK, I have to go now, it's nearly tea time!!! (BN biscuits and Nesquik, yay!!!! )

I sourpuss, your always spoiling my fun [sharks fist] Thanks to you Billie you are great and buttocks nosed.

Back to Papa

...back to Gorilla Salad...

"Carry on, by all means, but we must end on"