Can you fix this for me?

The Puzzler Girls hold ancient mysterious tings in their hearts and they never, no, not never been out with that Tony Hart. (He paints ladies' parts!)

Therefore I, MD Cribuffs, go a rap-tap-tapping at the Puzzler's Palace.

Cribuffs: Hello, Ms. Puzzler. Show us your puzzle.

Puzzler: Prepare to be baffled, Mr Cribuffs! Oh - no. It's not ready yet. You will have to wait. Here, have a pencil. You might need it. Mwa-haha.

Cribuffs: So why did you leave Adam West?

Puzzler: He was rubbish at sex and he snored. Towards the end he started drinking. He would come home and tell me that I was too full of puzzles, which is a load of rubbish. Look at this. Look at what I'm squeezing. Ooo. Does that look like puzzles coming out? I wouldn't touch that if I were you.

Cribuffs: I'LL TOUCH what I please, lovely knees and butterfrees. Slurp! Why do them puzzles taste so juicy?

Puzzler : I shall have to watch out for you! My puzzles are juicy because they hold power. To solve merely one of them is, in essence to reach behind my back - so, and fumble at the clasp on my bra. Perhaps you are hoping for something a little more? I can assure you, you will be disappointed. There is just a smooth terrain of skin where my ladychops should be.

Cribuffs: O-air la ladychops? What was the inpreration for the which wiggly fishing line has got the fish puzzle? Jack Parlance?

Puzzler : That is based on a real life incident. My father used to give me and my sisters bits of string. All but one of the strings was attached to a chewy toy that we could play with - the last one had a roll of gaffer tape. If you got the masking tape daddy would bind your head up with it and throw you down the stairs. In retrospect, it was perhaps a little cruel. I might phone the police about that.

Cribuffs: Tequilla Sunrise or Tango and Cash? Just how easy are you?

Puzzler : I cannot eat or drink normally. Since becoming a Puzzler girl, the only food I need is pencil wood, which I eat by chewing thoughtfully at it. As for my easiness! Are you coming on like a seventh sense, Mr Cribuffs? Here, put your fingertips in my mouth. Da's good. Da's sexy. I'm feeling very relaxed.

Cribuffs: Now Ms. Puzzler I don't want to wet meself. My that's a lovely ring, where did it come from?

Puzzler : Oh. My wedding ring. I suppose I'd better behave now you've seen that, eh? Ha ha! Very good. No more sexy talk. I shall sit on my hands. Do go on.

Cribuffs: Your move into digital entertainment with the Puzzler Natty Bottom Style CDROM has been a untropicated disaster. What gave?

Puzzler : Some of the interactive elements were poorly conceived. Normally you use a keyboard or a mouse to tell a computer what to do, or "interact". We decided to use a plate of jelly that you slap with a spatula. The direction and strength of your hit, and how much jelly flies out of the window is translated into an ASCII code. This didn't work because cats kept eating the jelly. In the end we settled on shooting letters that appear on the monitor with a bullet gun, but by this time people had lost interest.

Cribuffs: Wordsearches, the rabbled word king or taking the piss?

Puzzler : The feeling you get when you've done a wordsearch. It's kind of empty, isn't it? That's because the time you take doing wordsearches goes directly into my time bank, which keeps me young and bitchin' looking forever. I use any leftover time, if you're really slow, to do the shopping or listen to music. My favourite band is The Smiths. I can't believe they all died in a car, all hunched up like smashed birds.

Cribuffs: Many, too many in fact, very important people are fans of you work. Have taken on any special puzzle commissions lately?

Puzzler : I get many requests for personal appearances, although they are diminishing as tales of my uncontrollable sexuality spread. John Hurt has asked me to make him a number of Colour By Numbers with white flesh so that his albino children do not feel like the spooky freaks that they are. I say no, because they must not be afforded mercy. I am unmoveable on this point. John Hurt and I have ceased correspondance. Weird little kids - they look straight through you. Freaks.

Cribuffs: Sorry about that painful memory but I have all finished now. I didn't have time to ask you about you support for Norryahgah and his tomatos. Bye Ms. Puzzler. You manky puzzled out old fish.

Don't see me other half very often and I counce him that writing from the points of view then making him work in the pub was a nice idea.