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Cheeky Phil Cool, what a
rubbery twat!
Whiley: Hiya,
Cribuffs!
Cribuffs: Shut it womane! Here we are again to experience
the pains and joys of the sub-humane condition, it's Jo
Whiley-Coyote Vs Me, MD Cribuffs. Enjoy it while it's
fresh.
Whiley: I was just - hey, yeah! Cribuffs! - I was just
about to say last night at the BEMLI nominations at
Fabric I was talking to Josie D'Arby about her new
sitcom, it's a cover of Comrade Dad, when Huey From the
Fun Loving Criminals walked past and pointed at Jethro
Tull's Bobby Gillespie who said the new series of The 11
o'Clock Show isn't quite up to the standard of the other
three, so make of that what you will. Here's Jay-Z.
Cribuffs: Did I ask you a question? Did I ask you to make
funnel noise? No. Anyway pleased to hook up with you
again, Gosh [holds fist to forehead] you're not up the
duff by Cribuff anymore. I'll sort that out, gives us a
minute.
Whiley: Gosh well, you're certainly more polite than
Beverly Callard, who called me a 'chimp ho' at last
week's Bacardi Breezer Industrial-Goth Awards in
Copenhagen. I was in the lift with Macy Gray and Rachel
Stevens when Simon Pegg came charging through a plate
glass window and upset Andrea Corr's painstaking flower
arrangement. Care for a Cadbury's Curly Whiley? Limited
edition, you can't get them in the shops. I had them made
up specially for me at great expense. I give them out to
anyone who'll listen. It's part of my Promise 2000
Millennium Promise. Sarah Cox is giving up dripping.
Cribuffs: You've never visited the Isle of Lesbos during
my lifetime have you?
Whiley: Chompf! What sort of female lady DJ with a
slightly alternative background yet still marketable to
pop's key market of thirty-seven-year-old civil engineers
into REM do you take me for, 'matey'? You've got me
chokin' on my own chocolate here. I've met Mel C twice
and that's as far as I'll go down the Flip Forrester
route. Having said that I did dress up in Pokemon drag to
present the nominations for best Liquid Swords rip-off at
last month's Londis Welsh Language Hip Hop Awards, where
I bumped into old mucker Andrew 'For Hire' Collins, who
was munching on some stale celeriac from Dani Behr's
organic plantation.
Cribuffs: What about da kidz on de'treet and all the
badness?
Whiley: For real! Ha! No, but seriously, drugs is a
prom-blem that's as bad as fuck, luckily I get all I need
from the BBC tray! No, of course I don't. I'd like to
make that clear, I don't. Fuck, my share price took a
wobble there. Bounce with me! Come on!
Cribuffs: You face is all wide and that but is that
reason enuff to experiment on orphans and their pets?
Whiley: I got the idea off of media elf Dave Green at
Sean Hughes' 'Fuck The NHS' flat party in London's
once-trashionable Ladbroke Grove. It's all government
backed-up - Jack Straw, ironically sucking on a cheese
straw (and look where it got him!) gave it his full
backing. Basically, our organization takes a North Wales
approach to orphans. Animals are fair game of course, as
ever. The two gay members of The Beatles donated mucho
piggy funds to our mobile head and lung workshop in the
Mendips, within the auspices of which I personally
removed the life out of 49 cats only last week. Then I
read Your Sinclair.
Cribuffs: I understand that your guest staring in the
Wu-Tang Clan's own comic book 'NINE RINGS' isn't that
encouraging people to find out where you live and murder
you?
Whiley: But you already know where I live! War haw haw!
Cribuffs: You court controversy with you Radio Juan Show
Whistle Whiley you work in a blender, where to now for
the indy mistress of shoe-lack?
Whiley: I'm not telling youse! There's a church raffle at
the Gatecrasher Sunday Service next Tuesday, I'm holding
the pot and doing my patented 'dappy dance' to the tune
of the Wot No Meat song, while Death In Vegas run around
the aisles telling people who the fuck they are and the
Welsh one out of Super Furry Animals juggles his rotten
Mini Milk wrapper collection. Then it's off to the Royal
Shakespeare Company for my new life as a travelling
actor. I be in The Tempest, like Bledsoe.
Cribuffs: Thank you Ms. Jo Whiley. You have been visited
by MD Cribuffs. Oh just one more thing Ms. Whiley... You
highjacked that Juicy Fruit van outside of Peckham's
number one Bangra nightclub, Jiffy's, didn't you?
Whiley: This was all part of my Pinochet-style mental
break-up. The plan, in my poor little head, was to wait
until Natalie "Bo!" All Saints walked out of
the club wiv her fat lump of a man, and make road pudding
for all the little rats what live down they sewers and
that. Sadly Mr. 'Copper' Police of the filth turned up
and I had to drive the van at great speed to Lewisham
quickstroppy, knocking many a night stalker in the
process. They never caught me, 'cos how could you arrest
a no-footed woman in broad daylight? I wore me Candlewick
shades and blended into the throng. I think that woman
off ITV's Videotech got the blame in the end. They always
look for the has beens, you see, no-one ever suspects the
successful broadcaster. And that's the lesson for today.
Ciao!
Cribuffs: Bye Jo, you is looking ruff... Ha! she must be
pregnauts by now.
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