A to the B to the C to the D to the E to the F to the G to the H to the I to the J to the K to the L to the M to the N to the O to the P to the Q to the R to the S to the T to the U to the V to the W to the X-Y-Z!!!


Billie here! Some of you may have noticed that in my last adventure when my pen pal Busta came to stay, he walked right past me at the airport, even though I was holding up a sign with his name - 'Mr Rhymes' - on it in gi-normous letters! What was all that about? Is he short-sighted, or just ignorant? Neither!

Like many other famous people, such as Jim Nettles, it turns out that Busta Rhymes can no more read or write than my little dog, Milo!! That's right! All his pen-friend letters to me had actually been 'ghost-written' by his friend, Lord Have Mercy! "Yikes! Written by ghosts!" I hear you cry! Don't worry - he's not a real ghost.

Anyway, I thought it would be great if Busta could read and write by himself, rather than having to rely on Lord Have Mercy to do his football pools for him, and send off for offers in magazines all the time and stuff. So they both agreed to do this 'Learn-to-Read' rap, which taught Busta to read, and now it can teach you too! There are squillions of people who can't read, so don't be ashamed if you are one of them. Just learn this rap - don't worry, it's not too difficult! - and repeat it to yourself in the bath, on the bus - whenever you have a quiet moment. Soon enough, you'll be reading books and writing letters like nobody's business! And you can use your new skills to read internets, too! Don't forget to read Gorilla Salad!

So happy learning! Pace yourself, don't try too hard, and most importantly, have fun!!!!

Intro (you don't have to do this bit...)

BUSTA: Flipmode Squad and Billie getting ROWDY up the track!

BILLIE: Yayyy!!!

BUSTA: Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Yeah yeah! Alphabet crew! Comin' to see you!

LORD HAVE MERCY: Flipmode Squad tearing up all y'all illiterate infidels. C'mon.

BUSTA: Mm.. ugh! Mm yeah! Ooh! Ah!


A is the first, and it begins the word 'Ass'!

But Busta, that's rude! I prefer stained glass.

Lord a' mercy!

B is for 'Busta', an' 'Bitches' - Bounce, Baby!

No, B is for 'Bible', and Bitches are ladies.

Lord a' mercy!
Oh my gosh!

C is for somethin' that smells like an oyster!

No, C is for 'Church' and for 'Choir' and for 'Cloister'!

Lord a' mercy!
Woo ha!

Check out D, it's the 'Dopest Diplodicus'!

Damnation's what you'll get for stealing girl's knickers!

Lord a' mercy!

E - I got 'Eggs', 'Eyeballs' and 'Earache'!

Egad! That's just nonsense, for goodnesses' sake!

Lord a' mercy!
Some o' these rap niggaz is bitch!

F is for all the 'Fly Females' that I 'Freak'!

It's also for the 'Fun' you have in church every week!!

Lord a' mercy!

G - gimme 'Gravy', 'Girls' and 'G-Funk'!

No! 'Gregorian chanting' - the sounds of a monk!

Lord a' mercy!
Yo spliff, where the weed at?

H be my favorite, cause it be standing for 'HO'!!!!

It's also for 'Hell', where you could well go!

Lord a' mercy!

I, I, I, I, I. Standing fo' 'Ideaz', 'Ill' and 'Ice cold'!

And 'Interdenominational', if I may be so bold?

Lord a' mercy!
Yayy! It's the chorus!

You have to learn your... alphabet

Because you ain't learned to... read yet

Then you can enjoy all kinds of clever shit

That gets you fat benjamins, respect and mo' hits!

Proper singing!
Uh! Uh! Uh!

J is for 'Jimmy', who's wearing a hat!

I was going to say 'Jesus', but I'm glad to hear that.

Lord a' mercy!

K is for 'K-nickers', that I like to sniff!

A perversion you share with Professor Griff.

Lord a' mercy!
Gimme some more!

L is for 'One Love' - L to the O - V - E!

Busta, that's Lovely. You really surprise me!

Lord a' mercy!
Five years left! Honest!

M is for 'Mayhem' that be crazy fantastic!

But M's also 'Moses', 'Morals' and 'Monastic'.

Lord a' mercy!

N is for 'Naughty' - an' I feel 'Naughty' now!

It's also for 'Noah' - who'd have left you to drown.

Like da honeybeez in plainclothes dungareez!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh my gosh, here I go!

O is for... oh Busta. You're soiled down below.

Lord a' mercy!

P is for 'Pussy' - let it drip on the dancefloor!

Busta, that's gross. You knew 'Prayer' was the answer!

Lord a' mercy!
Chorus again!

You have to learn your... alphabet

Because you ain't learned to... read yet

Then you can enjoy all kinds of clever shit

All of the classics and the stuff that's been writ!

Join in this time!

Q is for 'Quims' and my main man 'Q-Tip'!

No, Q is for (shh!) 'Quiet', and Jesus's 'Quips'!'

Lord a' mercy!
Yo Billie!

R is for 'Rhythms', that make you move yo hips!

But R is also for 'Relics', such as a saint's lips!

Lord a' mercy!
Rockin' it Sesame Street!

S is for 'Speedin' in my 'Suzuki Six-Seater'!

Nope - S for 'Serene', like my name was 'Saint Peter'!

Lord a' mercy!
Busta Rhymes is here!

T is for 'Titties' - sweet Titties for me!

Busta, calm down now! You've just had your Tea.

Lord a' mercy!
My shit is absurd.

U be the 'Ultimate', I use it to spell 'Unctious'!

But surely 'Unitarian' is far less rambunctious?

Lord a' mercy!
Roaring in the forest...

V is for 'Vendetta' - like my name was Alan Moore!

That man's a pagan. I've fought him before.

Lord a' mercy!
...like a brontosaurus!

W is for 'Woo Ha!' And 'Wildin!' And 'Wow!'

And also for 'Wheat', which builds healthy cows!

Lord a' mercy!
Gaurunteed to bust your fuckin' melon!

X! Triple X! Time to pull down my kecks!

BUSTA! That's enough! You're obsessed with sex!

Lord a' mercy!
Most magnetic!

Yis for 'Yo!' - it just means 'hullo'!!!

Y also starts 'Yawning' - is it time to go?

Lord a' mercy!

Z is for sleeping, which I like to do!

At last common ground, because I like it too!

Night night!

Smash world illiteracy!

God bless!

BILLIE: There! If you were paying attention, you should be able to read now. Say goodbye, Busta!

BUSTA: Byee!!!

BILLIE: Say goodbye, Lord Have Mercy!

LORD HAVE MERCY: Goodbye and amen!

BILLIE: Bye, everyone! Take care and be h-a-p-p-y! That spells 'happy'!"

See ya!

...back to Billie menu...

...back to Gorilla Salad...