Mel C Celebrity Webchat!!!!

"I am an an anar-chist! I am Sporty Spice!"

Our last webchat with SPICE GIRL MEL C took place on Monday the 23rd of August at 4.00AM GMT. Here's what she had to say!

George W Botha Jr., Munchinhampton: Bit of a comedown this, isn't it? Doing a webchat for some pissy website no-one's heard of. You wouldn't have touched this two years ago. You're fucking washed up, aren't you?

Mel says: I wouldn't know about that! I have an accountant who takes care of my money. All I know is, I could have Faye from Steps in this room within half an hour and piss on her head, if I wanted to. And she couldn't refuse. That's fucking popularity, sunshine.

Anna Schmear, Uttoxeter: You are from Liverpool. Are you a lesbian, like other famous scouse women such as Carla Lane and Nerys Hughes?

Mel says: The best thing about being from Liverpool is you get let into lots of places in America. I think they hear my accent and think I'm Paul McCartney. Or Linda. Because of course in America she hasn't died yet, a bit like Seinfeld is still on in this country when it's not really.

Gavi Wankar, Shepherd's Bush: Would you be mentally prepared to see your own mother machine-gunned to death in front of you, and how would it affect your music?

Mel says: That's quite a question! I don't think I would be prepared at all. If you went around expecting to see your mother shot any moment, even when she's not there in front of you, I think you might go a bit loopy! It certainly happened with Bros, didn't it? And I think one of the twins out of Brother Beyond got into trouble for inviting a fourteen year old boy into his home and smashing his penis in with two bricks. Fortunately pop's a bit more sophisticated these days! If I want somebody done away with or maimed for my pleasure, I don't have to get my hands dirty at all. In my little viewing booth. My music wouldn't be affected by any of this, though - it hasn't been so far at least!

Dawnn Lewis, Camelbetter: Was Douglas Hurd right to ban the sale of sweet cigarettes to the nation's children in 1986?

Mel says: As you know, I'm very health conscious. I like Quorn and other mycoprotein-based meat alternatives, but there's none of that comfort you get in knowing that something has been killed just to feed you. My new range of health food, called "Quorn - yeah, but we've smacked up a ferret beforehand", is my attempt to change all that. Now no-one need worry that by becoming vegetarian they no longer hold dominion over the animal kingdom, like in Meaty Murders, a poem by Morrissey.

Dave Green, New Malden: Your recent single dips a tentative Spice toe into Skunk Anansie fem-metal territory. The woman off them's a lesbian. Ergo, you are too. N'est-ce pas?

Mel says: I always rushed home from school to watch Grange Hill. I got really narky if I missed an episode! My favourite character was Fay Lucas. She was into gymnastics and sport, like me, so I really identified with her. Funny the girl who played her's done nothing since. Except for Night Fever.

Mantis Gregory, Vale of Lewisham: Edward II had a hot poker stuck up his arse, didn't he?

Mel says: Yes he did! But we don't have enough detail on the exact extent of the poker's penetration, sadly. You would think they would ram it right up there, spearing his internal organs and killing him practically instantly. But apparently this was a slow torture, so maybe they just pushed it in a bit, and waggled it about. Perhaps they just sealed his arse up so he died real slowly through not shitting or something. That's a bit like that track off the first Wu-Tang Clan record, actually. The one before 'Method Man'.

Cally Jarvis, Totnes: No, really, are you a lesbian?

Mel says: The only thing like that I can recall is when I had to stop going to one North london gym and start going to a different one because they played Billy Ocean's 'Carribean Queen' 24 hours a day. No offence, Billy!

Drago Bettles, Braggenham: Rough estimates by historians put the number of people murdered in the name of Jesus Christ at two billion. Is Christianity the biggest force of destruction humanity has perpetrated on itself, and will the human race become truly civlised only when it has shed the limp crutch of organized religion completely?

Mel says: I think probably 'yes', but of course I'm not really an expert. I'm more into Lucozades than Crusades! Emma's a really outspoken atheist, as is Robbie Williams, who I haven't shagged. There aren't many Christians in pop these days at all - the only ones I can think of are the third-from-the-left bloke off of Five and that funny little woman off Titanic. You know, with the chin.

Beago Mexicali-Mix, Daventry: You are still regarded as the 'coolest' member of the Spice Girls, despite the fact that you have, to be diplomatic about it, made a record with Bryan Adams. Therefore, most of this credibility must derive from the still-common lesbian rumours. Do your constant deflections of questions regarding your sexuality indicate a troubled reluctance to either deny (and so lose credibility) or confirm (and so lose mainstream sales)? And are you one?

Mel says: Everyone thinks touring's dead glamorous, and we trash hotel rooms every night, but it's not like that at all. We have to go abouut in a bus (not like the Spice Bus in our film, Spiceworld, though!) and we're too exhausted after a show to do anything even remotely outrageous. That sounds really boring, doesn't it? But at the end of the day, it's showbusiness. it's a job you have to do, and you can't get off your face every night. But we do have some laughs to keep morale up - you have to!

Ruun Laughbamter, Thoroughfolds: In the 1920s and '30s, it was discovered that a lot of soldiers who had served in the trenches of the First World War had developed a sexual attraction to their own shit, and often that of others, too. What's the best shit you've ever done, and why?

Mel says: Amyl nitrate is always good to get the bowels loosened for a really major crap. But choose your target wisely! Most Western countries have strict laws regarding shitting in public, and it's always a good idea to be sure your arse isn't breaking the law. Even if it sometimes feels like the law's breaking your ass! Right, girls?

Dan Fogelberg, Thurrock-the-Gathering: Is Geri a lesbian, then?

Mel says: I should fucking say so! Fuck me, she was always after the other women on Top Of The Pops. We were on the same show as All Saints once and she grasbbed Shaznay's bottom! And when we went to the BBC she asked Gaby Roslin to show her muff. Gaby did it, but she didn't look very comfortable about it! But that was what Geri was like. She left because Mel [G] got interested in fellers and didn't want to lez any more. How selfish! She hangs around George Michael now which makes her a fat old fag-hag dykey slut with a Julie Burchill arse and more bloody Henna than a Northampton office temp. If I ever see her down this way agin, I'll fucking kill the bitch. Girl power.

Our next webchat will be with the drummer from Tenpole Tudor. So log on back here at 3.00PM GMT, Tuesday, for a 'canny bag a Tuda!'