A peanut duck standing by a river.

#15235 - Peanut Duck! (amphicarpa anas plathyrhynchos)

Peanut ducks have the legs and bill of a duck and the body of a monkey nut. Peanut ducks were first discovered in 1671, when they were proclaimed 'a fear-some mishe-mashe of plante and fowle' by the Church. However, after two centuries of relentless persecution, it became clear that the creatures were far too clumsy on land to be any threat, and they were left to their own devices. The peanut duck is also a dance.

Number of legs: 2

Size: Freshwater peanut ducks grow to about 2' in length. Marine peanut ducks can reach sizes of well over 100' in length - large enough to swallow five squash courts.

Habitat: Rivers and freshwater lakes in temperate climes. Peanut ducks usually nest on riverbanks, amongst the reeds. They build their nests from lollipop sticks. These nests are so poorly constructed that they are often indistinguishable from a pile of rubbish.

Hunting and diet: Peanut ducks like to eat fast, skinny fish. However, they do not have the pace to catch these fish, so instead they use stealth to suprise their prey. Peanut ducks have two 'hulls' in their monkeynut-like torso - by precise control of the pressure differential between the interior of their body and the gap between the inner and outer hulls, the peanut duck can rise and fall silently in the water, much like a submarine. Thus the peanut duck can 'pop up' behind a fish, catching it completely unawares - like Airwolf in silent running mode. It then lunges forward, slitting open the fish's belly with it's razor sharp bill and sucking out its entrails.

Social grouping: Peanut ducks are intensely social creatures, and their society is highly structured, with roles being rigidly defined. They form into 'clubs', with the dominant male being 'chairman', and his second-in-command 'vice chairman'. The remaining peanut ducks hold different ranks corresponding to their fighting skills - like in judo.

Useful Byproducts: None. Peanut ducks do produce eggs, which seem to be nothing to do with their reproduction. The eggs are hollow and easily crushed.

Reproduction: Peanut duck reproduction is highly unusual, and is not fully understood. The mating season is in July when the weather is usually nice. Female peanut ducks all come into heat at the same time and attract the attention of the males by knocking into each other with their hard, fibrous shells. This incessant clattering ensures they are soon surrounded by male peanut ducks. Then the females split almost in two along the length of their shell and release a number of 'uteropods' - self-propelling wombs with a gaping, flapping entrance. Only one of the uteropods contains any eggs - the rest are decoys. The male peanut ducks then have to try and shoot their sperm into the entrance of the uteropods - they don't know which pods contain eggs, so they try and get as many as they can. This is very difficult for the males, as they are quite blind. When a uteropod has been succesfully fertilised, it swims back to its original female peanut duck who swallows it and stores it in her guts for safe keeping. After two months gestation, the baby peanut duck is about an inch long. At this time it will sneak out of its mother's mouth while she sleeps. If she sees the naughty baby, she will dash it to pieces with her powerful feet and legs. Once free from the clutches of its mother, the infant peanut duck is quite capable of looking after itself.

Relationship with man: Peanut ducks are fairly useless to man, and so they are usually left unmolested. Occasionally, peanut ducks are captured by circuses, tamed, and ridden by midgets in the final parade. However, this makes peanut ducks sad, and they soon die or fall into a torpor.