A herd of tummy-rats sweep majestically across the hairless belly of a lady. This image was taken with a starlight camera, at night.

#13562 - Tummy-rat! (rolandus abdominus)

Doctors first found evidence of tummy-rat infestation on children in 1964 around the tin mines of Cornwall. They have since spread rapidly, and cases have been reported as far away as Timbuktu and off the Spanish Main

Number of legs: 4 (but the front legs are a little bit like arms)

Physical appearance: Little fleshy rats, about a centimetre long - too small to be seen with the naked eye.Tummy-rats are completely hairless.

Size: I just said! They rarely get bigger than Billie Piper or Denise Richards' noses.

Habitat: Tummies, especially hairy ones and in tummy buttons.

Diet: Skin flakes and crumbs. They also nibble on your flesh a bit, but not so you'd notice.

Social grouping: Tummy-rats are solitary scavengers, who live as hermits. During the mating season (between February and March) tummy rats congregate on ancestral mating grounds near the 'garden path'.

Useful byproducts: None really. They secrete a sweet honey-like substance, which you can lick off, but it will make you poorly, so I wouldn't bother.

Threats: The nit-nurse can use foul-smelling tummy shampoo to get rid of an infestation of tummy-rats. The chief predator of the tummy-rat is the belly-hound (see The New Biology:Freak Pet Supplement), a rare abdomen-dwelling canine creature.

Reproduction: Tummy-rat courtship rituals are a beautiful sight to behold,with both parties displaying in a intricate and mesmerising dance. This can take up to four hours to complete, after which time the weaker individuals will be too exhausted to perform the sexual act. Females lay clusters of eggs in the moist regions of the tummy, such as the navel. Tummy-rat larvae will hatch after 12 hours, devouring the remains of their soft shell. By May, they are ready to transform into adult tummy-rats. This occurs by them being taken to bits like Lego, and then reassembled by their siblings as adults.

Relationship with man: Tummy-rats are both parasites and symbiotes, living on the bodies of humans. Whilst they will eat the living tummy flesh of a human, they also offer evolutionary advantages to the host by consuming the detritus which accumulates on the tummy, thereby improving the host's sexual attractiveness. Seriously.