Wildlife Extreme!

The modern man......transformed......with the aid of warpaint......into a WARRIOR!

with Ritchie Neville

I could feel it out there. Running. Hot. Frightened. Sensing me as I was sensing him. The stink of his sweat invaded my nostrils and filled me with life.

Hi there!

Ritchie 5ive here, filling in for Billie. She's off filming a link for MTV, but she told me that she normally tells you all about creatures and that, so I thought I'd tell you all about the time I was hunting a boar. OK?

The forest was far from silent, despite the lateness of the hour. The perfect arena for this clash between man and beast, a battle that echoed down the aeons. Hunting - that most ancient and noble art. The struggle for meat, for blood, for life.

The boar was wounded - I knew that. One of the stones from my sling had taken him behind the neck. Those stones plucked from the bed of a stream by my hand. I could hear him lumbering through the undergrowth, not ten feet from where I lay silent. I was waiting - waiting for the chance to impale him on my spear. The spear was a sturdy branch of ash onto which I had lashed my knife. It was my weapon. It was my thrusting destiny, and the end of his. I was ready.

A crash alerted me that he was on the move. I jumped to my feet - my powerful man's feet - and gave chase. The moon shone through the trees and lit the ground with an eerie blue light. I sped on, following the crashing boar. My legs were a blur. I was gaining ground, almost hovering over the roots and uneven ground. The forest was my home, my hunting ground and the place where I had become a man.

Brave hunting man. See how they run from me!

The make-up was streaked across my face as the sweat - the sweat of the hunter - poured from my forehead. I caught a glimpse of the boar's strong back legs as he darted around a tree. His heavy testicles swung between his thighs - challenging my masculinity, urging me on and speaking to me of the many conquered sows in his life. I was closer now - eight feet, six feet, four feet. I thrust back my arm and let loose my weapon. It struck him in the back, and he fell.

He kicked and squealed, knowing his defeat had descended. Nevertheless, he refused to concede and shot me a look of pure malice as I smashed his brains out with a rock. The blood spattered my face and arms. I had won. I was man. I was triumphant. I raised my head and laughed out loud. The moon was my witness as I pulled the beast's heart from its chest and sunk my teeth into the warm muscle. My noble adversary was no more.

After that I went to meet Scott, Abs and J at the LWT studios, where we were doing CD:UK. I had a wash first though!

Ta ra!


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Ritchie appears courtesy of Mrs Neville.