Roger Scruton took time from his hectic schedule of defending Hegelian positivism and bullying foxes to tell us what he likes to watch on the box. So sit back and relax as he puts down Tractatus Logico Philosophicus and picks up TV Quick to give us the low down.

"I've got a bomb up my arse, now watch me fly!" he jokes

NEWS AND SPORT B/N/P
Roger says: "Bollocks and bollocks more like.  Have you seen the crap they're handing out these days?  Not like when I was a kid.  In those days you had proper, important news and the Prime Minister had a moustache.  Nice to see Reading getting knocked out of the Happy Shopper Cup, though."

STAR TREK : THE NEXT GENERATION O
Pseudo-Jungian intergalactic cobblers from the space travelling goody-two-shoes.  This weeks episode, 'I Know Its Here Somewhere', the Klingon one loses a vital piece of his Lego set and the rest of the crew try to help him find it for forty-five minutes.
Roger says: "I like these new Star Trek shows.  Sometimes, when I'm alone in my room at Oxbridge, or wherever it is I teach, I pretend they're all in the room with me being my friends.  I left a biscuit out for them one night, in case they came back when I wasn't there, and when I came in the next day, it was gone.  Explain that Mister Nietzsche!"

MIKE HARDING AND MY CARDIGAN L/P/A/P
Mike Harding tours the country on a bicycle, talking to cardigan enthusiasts and asking them to select their favourites from their collection.  Each week, at the end of the programme, a lose thread from that show's cardigan will 'accidentally' get caught in Mike's bike wheel.  Watch the owners stupid crying face as their treasured cardie unravels in their hands while Mike rides off into the distance. Comedic musical numbers are provided by Peter Skellern and his Band Of Puffs.
Roger says: "Peter Skellern?  Now that's what I call music.  Otherwise, indifferent, mainly. I liked the woman crying, but then I always do. Still, it's a good time to dig around in the corner of my left big toenail with a pocket-knife to get the clods of dirt out, so not without its uses.  A sort of aide-memoire, if you will."

ON THE HEARSES D
Repeat of the delightfully politically incorrect 70s sitcom.  This week, chief-undertaker Blakey has to enbalm a headless corpse.  Poor Blakey! When he finds our lads, the squat, squashed ugly teddy-boy one and the blond ugly one with bad hair and buck teeth, have been playing football with the head, all hell's going to break lose.  Look out for a young Janet Ellis as the girl who died from buggering.
Roger says: "I remember a girl sitting on the wall by the fish and chip shop near my mother's house pointing at me and laughing to her friends.  I picked a leaf from a tree and offered it to her as a token of my affection.  She flung scalding hot curry sauce into my face and kicked me in the groin.  I was five years old then, and she thirty seven.  And, years later, I still cried when I heard that she was dead. As for the programme, I liked the bit where a snuffling girl at the graveside in a short skirt bent over and the blond ugly one with the bad hair and buck teeth made a funny face when he saw her bottom and there was a 'boy-yong' noise.  That's a great joke."

HOW GREEN IS MY VALET! Q/E/W
Are you a lord of some description with your own Jeeves? Is your butler, in some way, green? Perhaps he's particularly environmentally aware, perhaps he's Irish, perhaps he's rather prone to jealousy? Does he have a strange skin pigmentation? Then this is the contest for you!  This week, the south-east finals, we see the battle of two green man-servants, one of whom is a bit naive about things, the other whose mother's maiden name is Green, so by no means a foregone conclusion. And it's still not to late to enter. Hosted by Melinda Messinger in a kebab shop.
Roger says: "I like the idea of this. In fact, I'd quite like to have a go at being on the judging panel. I'm going to be raising my public profile quite a lot in the future, and this could just the vehicle I need. After Hawking showed us the way forward on the Specsavers ad, I feel things are really opening up for the likes of me. I've already had some interesting noises from the Kentucky Fried Chicken people."

POLICE, CAMERA, ACHTUNG! N/I/M
With Alastair Stewart.
Roger says: "Alastair Stewart, now there's a man for you. Forthright, bold, he's taking no jive from no fucker. I remember him giving Mary Nightingale a good hard slap when she tried to tell him he'd mispronounced Loughborugh . Thwack! Met him at a charity dinner once. Let's just say we agree about the right sort of things and this programme is about changing this country's attitudes  in the our sort of direction. I'm saying nothing more at the moment, but, well, watch this space."

SECRET HISTORY : ADOLF IN ARIUM N/S
Crispin Shanks presents this fascinating programme, which may change the way you think about 20th Century history. Shanks contends that Adolf Hitler did not commit suicide in the bunker but did, in fact, launch himself into space in his own special rocket-ship. Blown free of our galaxy, in 1951 Hitler landed on the planet Arium, a world populated entirely by walking, talking dolphins. The dolphins had known only love and mutual understanding and, as such, were easy prey for the evil Nazi mastermind, and soon fell under his mesmeric influence. Using reconstruction footage, Shanks argues that now Hitler will have had enough time to overtake and thoroughly indoctrinate an entire army of ruthless killer dolphins, with laser guns and shiny hats on, ready to invade the Earth any day now. 'What if..' documentary making at its chilling best.
Roger says: "Makes you think, doesn't it?"

CARRY ON DOUBLE BILL
FILM : CARRY ON UP THE SHITTER (1984) K
A late and frankly regrettable addition to the series, replacing the earlier films' knowing but innocent vulgarity with out-right crudity and racism, and with few of the original team. A parody of the film Gandhi, Jack Douglas leads the cast as Humpmi Upadi Shitta, an Indian Independence campaigner, wearing nothing but a loin-cloth, a flat cap, a pair of glasses and about a dozen tins worth of brown boot polish, and spends most of the film turning around as if someone has just tapped him on the shoulder and making incomprehensible noises for no good reason.  Love interest is provided by Suzanne Danielle as wealthy British heiress Ann Shandy.
And at 2345 CARRY ON CARRION (1992) L
Much better. Sid James, Hattie Jacques, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey, all your favourite Carry On stars, re-united for the first time since they all died. What it lacks in pace and dialogue is more than made up for in star quality.
Roger Says: "Well, what can I say? This evening we've laughed, we've cried and we've thought. But the time is coming when we must part and away to our respective beds. The night is drawing in and I've a game of table tennis with Jacques Derrida tomorrow morning. 'Do I see a trickle of sweat on your lovely brow?', I say to myself as I take a last look in the mirror before retiring, 'Do you fear the clowns in your dreams? And the women, with their faces? Fear not, sweet Rog, fear not, for mother night will sooth your thoughts and suckle you and bring you rest.' And so, goodnight to all of you in TV Land. My love tastes of tea.