THE END OF THE CRICKET S/N/R/L
Christian Polka presents the highlights from the fourth Test.
Jay says: "Have you seen the state of cricketers these days?  They've all got moustaches and sunblock on their noses. Do you think that's wise?  What if a bee thought that their colourful stripes were petals?  It might fly up and use it's bee tongue to get their 'pollen'.  Can you imagine a bee licking your eye?  With all eye-juice on it's whiskers?  Brrr... I can't stand cricket, and I particularly hate the highlights.  So, it's the ideal start to an evening for me.  I can get really worked up and irritable.  Or eat my tea - it kind of depends, really."

MONKEY TRAGIC S/K
Popular animal related docusoap featuring heartbreaking true-life tales of monkey disasters.  This edition recounts the gruelling regime of chemotherapy undergone by 'Mr. Hector' after he was diagnosed with a malignant monkey-brain tumour.  We see a harrowing reconstruction of his monkey-wife leaving him because she 'just can't cope with it anymore'.  'I'm so sorry Mr. Hector, but since the diagnosis, you've changed - I don't know where I stand.' she sobs as Mr. Hector looks on coldly.
Jay says: "I love this show.  Did you ever see the one where the whole monkey-workforce was sacked at the Rother Valley British Monkey-Steel works?  It was awful - lines of sorry-looking simians queuing for their P45s, and there was nothing that the union could do about it.  I don't know..."

WATCHDOG K/K/K
Anne Robinson shows us accidents and then says complain.
Jay says: "I always take a bath at 7 pm, so I would have to watch this from the bath.  That won't be a problem, as long as I don't electricate myself with the remote control!"

CORONATION STREET S/S/L
Simpkins has lost his cat, but Gerald has other things on his mind.
Jay says: "Coro is more than a programme - it's also a video and a book.  I have both.  My favourite is where Gail looks stressed and hassled, but never cries. She's made of rocks that woman."

COLOURING IN! P/F
More quiz mayhem with Bob Mills, as a panel of celebrity guests rise to the challenge of colouring in some difficult pictures.  Will Sophie Grigson go over the lines again?  Featuring panel-member Ludovic Kennedy's immortal catchphrase: 'Who's got the green?  I need the green.'
Jay say: "I can't do colouring in.  That's what 'Crash' was all about really - learning to cope with ridicule as a child, by crashing all the cars and shagging Rosanna Arquette's leg wound."

I JUST CAN'T BAKE IT ANYMORE! N
Top chefs, such as Marco Pierre-White and Raymond Blanc, have small portions of their brains removed, making them unable to cook certain dishes either through memory loss or incapacitation of motor functions.
Jay says: "Did you see the one where Hugh Fearnly-Whittingsall couldn't cook Eggs Benedict, and he was just slumped over the hob, drooling with all stiches in his shaved head?"

MATCH OF THE GAY D/F
Side-splitting sitcom laffs with rough-tough hard man, Jimmy Nail.  As usual Jake (played by Nail himself) is a gay man who just can't find someone who matches up to him in stature, intelligence or looks.  Jimmy Mulville plays his long-suffering ginger cocaine-addicted next-door neighbour.
Jay says: "Classic Nail.  He's so adaptable - playing a gay Geordie is child's play for him.  Literally - he toured local schools with his one man show of Kenneth Williams's life in 1996."

KAVANAGH MC Q/C/R
John Thaw's Mansfield-based 'chatter' lays down aggressive rhymes while investigating the events surrounding a case of... murder.  A wealthy widow has seemingly killed her young lover in a moment of passion, but is all as it seems? I think not.
Jay says: "Great stuff.  It all takes me back to that whole early 90s Midlands hardcore scene.  I was well into that.  As you can see, I still wear the white gloves and Vick's Vaporub!  I particularly liked all those kid's TV theme tracks like 'Sesam E's Treat' and 'Trip To Trumpton'.  Ahhh... hardcore, you know the score."

BRIAN BLESSED ROARING UP A MOUNTAIN S
Brian is on a giant mountain and he forgot to pack his Kendal Mint Cake!  Brace yourselves!  ROOOOAAARRRRAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!!
Jay says: "An actor who simply will not be beaten by high rocks or hills.  His resolve is an example to us all, I think.  I honestly... what?  Oh damn!  I've dropped my biscuit down between the cushions in the sofa.  Damn!  Now, bear with me... where is it?  Come on you little bugger!  Oh I'm sorry about this... one moment and I'll be back with you.  Let ... me... just... get... my hand ... under here....  Ah!  There we are.  Sport biscuits - lovely."

NEWSNIGHT
Politicians come under the searing heat of Paxman's medusa-like gaze.
Jay says: "I like to see the lies that they are feeding us.  Do you remember all that business about storms in 1987?  Absolute rubbish.  I distinctly remember going outside that day and there was little more than a gentle breeze.  So much for the news.  I live in a house anyway, so why should I give a shit about the weather?"

DR. FOX'S CHART UPDATE L/O/S
Round orange ball-man, Dr. Neil Fox brings us the latest chart data, in spreadsheet form.
Jay says:  'Magic.  I love the way he wrinkles his little nose when he says 'You buy 'em: we play 'em'.  I was devastated when I heard about his fungus brain. By this time I am usually naked on my floor, so something light like this is a blessing.'

PAGES FROM CEEFAX S/N/R/K/O/X
Highlights of the day's offering form the futuristic magical robot programme known as Ceefax.
Jay says: "I don't really sleep any more.  I tend to sing along to the National Anthem and then just sit looking at Pages From Ceefax, or the testcard, if it's on.  One night I actually pretended that I was playing noughts and crosses with that girl and that clown.  I did their voices, and marked the screen with a special pen.  She beat me, but I think that's because the clown knew what I was going to do, only moments before I did."