My Perfect Evening's TV with Matthew Broderick

1600	THE ANIMATED BIBLE F/G Bringing biblical stories to life for the kids. A double bill, featuring HUNGRY HAM! Ham wakes up hungry and really wants some cheese from the fridge, but Noah's determined to stop him by hitting him with a huge anvil, so that he squashes into a concertina shape. And at 1605 RACH-HAM-INOV'S 3RD! Noah decides to give a concert, but Ham's trying to get some sleep in Noah's piano!
1615	THE ANIMATED LEVITICUS R Leviticus really hates Porky Pig's feet. Matthew says: "I don't really get to see TV before this, because I have to be doing my growing exercises. You see, when I was a kid Gary Coleman sneezed all over my head, and I caught that never-growing-up-properly disease he has. So I have to spend at least six hours a day trying to stretch myself, and smoke lots of cigarettes to make me age - but I fear I'm stuck as a Hollywood man-child forever. Ho-hum. I don't blame Gary though."
1800	BUSTIN' MAKES ME FEEL GOOD! B/D With Ray Parker Jnr. Team captains Busta Rhymes and the late Buster Merryfield run up that hill one more time to see how many clouds they can bust with the big cloud gun they stole from dismally insane Kate Bush and her elderly lover Donald Sutherland. The score is 18-12 to Busta so far this series, but "That's only because he kept swinging on my luxuriant beard" claims Merryfield, "…just when I was about to pop that big Nimbo Cumulous right between the eyes!" This week's Guestbusters are Phil Collins and Bob Holness. Matthew says: "I tend to watch this round my friend Alan's house. That's Alan Ruck, who was in Ferris with me. He's the only real friend I have - he calls me 'shortstuff', but it's in a nice way. Michael J Fox is Alan's new mate from that sitcom they do, and he often comes round too, but I don't really like him. He's a man-child like me, but whilst I grin and bear it, he just moans all the time. And he's always dropping things."
1830	CRIME WATCH H/L Nick Ross (with new partner and former athlete Suzanne Dando) report on the strange case of Billy, who was a regular kid until he bought himself a mysterious new watch. As soon as he did up the strap, he found himself embarking on a diabolical crime spree, powerless to fight the evil will of the Mafia boss whose spirit is trapped inside the uncanny 'crime-watch'. That could be a Mafia watch on YOUR wrist, you know. That'll give you something to worry about at night. And why not eat some cheese just before you go to bed? Matthew says: "Actually I think this is dull as dishwater, but I watch it anyhow, because I don't like to get up, walk across the room and turn over the TV. When I'm sitting down people don't realise how tiny I am, and it's okay; but if I stand up, people often point and shout 'fucking dwarf'. I oughta get a remote."
1930	EASTENDERS W/P/O Pepe and Johnny Briggs' dad are both upset when Rosala tells them that she's selling the restaurant to go and get married on Gallifrey. Matthew says: "I never used to watch this, but one night Alan went to one of the Brat Pack reunions so I was left on my own, and I got quite into it. I hate those reunions. I went to one, and that bully Judd Nelson kept on offering me drinks with his huge hands and then holding them out of reach. And I made a bit of an idiot of myself, because I got a little drunk and asked Molly if she'd go to bed with me. She just laughed with her big fully-developed adult mouth and said she'd rather go with Lou Diamond Phillips than a freaky man-child like me. It was after that when I started to stuff my boots with newspaper, and sleep on the rack. Not that it's done me much good."
2000	PADDINTON GREENSTICK FRACTURE D/G/A/P Youngsters from the Paddington Green neighbourhood are forced to attempt extreme sports like BMX badger fighting (badgers snort like pigs, you know) until they wind up with a green-stick fracture. Then sit back and marvel at how those young bones mend themselves - they spring back more like green sticks than boney bones! Will the current green-stick fracture healing record of 4.2 seconds set by Adric in 1981 ever be broken? On your marks… Matthew says: "Good, because it features kids, who are pretty small themselves. So I get less nervous. Sometimes, I find myself sobbing uncontrollably. But I say to myself 'Matthew, grow up (if only!). There are plenty of people worse off than you. Being a 4'1" man-child isn't the worst thing in the world, even if your hands do look like tiny starfish.'"
2030	CASUALTY P Holby City, and Baz's jowly face in particular, are shocked when a patient turning up at their dreary hospital interrupts their knees-up. It's a rush to save the nameless man who's swallowed a breadbasket, a horse, a spanner and a bunch of butterflies. Nigel Le Valiant returns - but will even his healing hands be able to loop the rubberband inside the patient's leg without without setting off his honking, haemorrhaging nose? Matthew says: "I've had a pretty dreary time with ladies, to be frank. Mia Sara - my girlfriend from 'Ferris' - used to let me touch her bits, but she was always a bit of a whore, so I'm not sure that counts. You can sometimes catch her in a late-night erotic thriller, but my testicles aren't fully dropped yet, so I don't get as much satisfaction from them as I might. I used to see Jenny Grey a bit, but then she changed her face, and I couldn't find her again. Tell you the truth, she had one of those throaty laughs that always sounded like she was about to vomit. I hated that."
2115	MONSTERS OF ROCK F/F/F/F/F 3. The Kraken after seeing Medusa's Face This week's episode features the famous stop-go-motion special effects work of Baron Ray Munchausen. His scaly stone Kraken at the end of Clash of the Titans is generally thought to be one of the all-time great Monsters of Rock, even though it wasn't made of real rock, because that's so difficult to animate. Narrated by Harry Hamlin, who tells a nice anecdote about working with Lawrence Olivier, a real professional and a fuckmonster to boot. Next week: Limahl talks about how he made the rock giant from Never Ending Story out of clumps of matted hair and wax. Matthew says: "My joints have started to bleed under the skin. That's not right, is it? I'm not sure this stretching isn't doing me more harm than good. I have no body hair of course. None at all."
2130	YOU'VE GOT MAILER! Q/O/O First episode in the latest Stone-the Crows! spin-off sitcom, featuring the mailman who just wouldn't let them have that orange letter. Grumpy Norman Mailer hates his job as a postman. When squeaky little Truman Capote bites him on the shin while he tries to deliver some letters, that's just too much! Narrated by Norman Mailer, but as if he was someone else altogether. Matthew says: "I missed this episode, because Michael J called up again, wailing some rubbish about how 'us man-childs need to stick together'. I told him that if he was that bothered, he should get the operation done. Our condition can be cured you see, but the side effects are terrible. Cliff Richard had the op, and now he just shits all the time. Leaves you with a totally rotten asshole, and I don't much fancy that."
2200	TEENAGER'S FILM FOUNDATION PRESENTS : THE SMUGGLERS OF PIRATE COVE'S MAGIC T-SHIRT DONKEY ESCAPADE V/B/B/L There's smugglers about in the sleepy fishing village of Brighton, but Donny just can't bring himself to concentrate on them. Lately he's been feeling really lethargic, and the only thing that gets his attention these days is the way Amanda's shirt has started to bulge. Meanwhile, Zoe's started to bleed all down her legs, and she's doesn't reckon it was a result of that scrap with the aliens that looked like aniseed balls. Matthew says: "Seeing people enjoy puberty just makes me want to cry. I don't know why I put myself through this. I'm bedridden at the moment, because the books I was balancing on to reach the light switch collapsed under me, and I shattered my leg. I hope I don't have to have it off. I don't think I could stand being any smaller. Anyhow - stay youthful!"