MORE ROOM UP TOP! L
Barely amusing sitcom starring Ryan O'Neal as an alcoholic London bus driver with breast implants.
Mr Clayderman says: "This is my favorite light-entertainment sitcom-type-show.  Apparently, it's all improvised. They just ply Ryan with booze, silicone and a bus, and let him loose. Writes itself. I suppose it's quite depressing, actually.  I had his wife, you know. In 1987."

THE BAD BOY BEACH S/M
Teen pec 'n' tit drama with the one from Party of Five who isn't the one who was in Wild Things, and the one from Beverley Hills 90210 who wasn't the one in Mallrats.
Mr Clayderman says: "There's nothing I like more than to crack open a bottle of milk stout and enjoy this shameless mild porn.  Ahhhhhhh.. the memories, the memories. It reminds me of my frat boy days.  CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"

WINTER'S TALES OF WOE R/T/T
Nature documentary depicting the slow, agonising death of animals small and large, and occasionally the elderly, due to extremes of Alaskan cold. Ground-breaking time lapse photography techniques squeeze the deaths into exquisite 2'30" expirances to match the 60's soundtrack of pop classics.
Mr Clayderman says: "I can't really say why I like this so much - I think it's the expressions on their tiny faces. It also reminds me of my childhood, lying face down in the snow, waiting for mother to forgive me."

COPS,COPS,COPS!!! J
Nauseatingly graphic police documentary, featuring over-the-top Clint Eastwood style action, blood, guts, crack, decapitations, whores, pussy, spillage, the whole lot.
Mr Clayderman says: "Oh yes! The night is when all the scum stream out of their ghettos and infest MY streets.  These guys take no fuckin' shit from not nobody. Gun 'em down, I say. Officer Winestain is my favorite - he carries an illegal sub machine gun and has a terrible nervous twitch."

LATE NIGHT LIVE AND LOUD with Jan Hammer
Formulaic chat show hosted by the Miami Vice soundsmith. Blatantly nicks gags from Letterman and Leno.  Only talks about Jan Hammer, Miami Vice , the bloke from Miami Vice who married the woman from Working Girl and the bloke from Miami Vice with the facial pox.
Mr Clayderman says: "I cannot stand Jan Hammer's music. It is less than irrelevant.  But his show RULES!  I quite like to hear on a regular basis what the bloke from Miami Vice with the facial pox is up to."

MANTOVANI'S LATE NIGHT ALL SPECIES NUDE WRESTLING N/N/N/N
Mantovani presents another helping of the late night wrestling contest in which all creatures are welcome but clothes most definitely are not.
Mr Clayderman says: "Mantovani is my favorite inoffensive easy listening artiste, except for mine own output.  Nothing helps me drift off to sleep more than watching three naked youngsters trying to bring down a naked bear with their naked hands and feet."