IT'S 1999. Coco the Monkey trudges wearily up the piss-soaked steps of his council block in Sheffield's Hyde Park Estate. The lift is still broken. Weighed down with 14 boxes of Coco Pops, he stumbles against the stair-rail and bruises his shoulder. Coco winces to himself in pain, and continues to climb. Finally reaching his floor, he steps over the broken milk bottles and peers into the flat next to his, which was gutted with fire two weeks ago. He notices the discarded syringes and filthy rags on the floor: he was right about what went on there last night. I follow him to his door, and stand in silence as he forces the key into the lock. He notices me as he pushes the door open. 'What is it?' he sighs, too tired to object to my presence. I tell him. 'My perfect evening's television?' He is sceptical. I reassure him by stroking the fur on his arms. He relents. 'OK, I suppose you had better come in. Don't mind the carpet, I got it from the skip.'

HOLLYOAKS F/D/S/S
Jambo and Sol have cooked up a surefire money-making scheme selling homemade lemonade to the blonde girl from the cafe. But what about Helen's pregnancy? And who left the suncream in the video shop?
Coco says: "My evening starts when I turn the television on. I press knob like this, and the little dot gets bigger and bigger while it warms up. Sometimes I go really close to the screen and pretend that I'm going down a tunnel to TV Land. But that might have to stop because the other week it was Animal Hospital and when I got there, I was looking at a puppy's guts really close. It made me quite hungry."

LOOK NORTH I
Yorkshire Television regional news programme hosted by Harry Grayson and Judith Stamper. Guaranteed to ignore anything that doesn't happen in Leeds.
Coco says: "I watch the news because I want to know if I am on it. I get these bits of the day when I can't remember what I have done. It's like a blank bit where somebody has cut out some of my thoughts with time-scissors. I can only recall ending up in some very strange places.
"When I was first drawn, the man from Kelloggs told me that I was loosely based on the young actor Dexter Fletcher. I was just new, and had no self-concept, no sense of identity, so I tried to find him and follow him, to discover who I was. And, well... I've been stalking him ever since. Twice a week I go down to London and follow him everywhere until 11.20, when I get the National Express Coach back to Sheffield. Last week he was on holiday and I got really angry, because he could have let me know, but he didn't. Then I had one of those funny things where I don't remember. It was only when I got back here that I noticed the cut above my eye. It worries me sometimes."

RICE PUDDING R/B/6
Husband and wife team Tim and Anneka Rice eat 'Jam Roll, Chocolate Sponge, Apple Crumble, Pink Blancmange'. Pudding!
Coco says: "Tony the Tiger comes to my house sometimes. I don't like him - he used to be my friend, but then a few years back he started drinking heavily. He only comes round when he needs to borrow money or his wife has thrown him out again. He's always either pathetically emotional or aggressive and bullying. Some nights he won't leave at all, and I have to sleep on the floor because he sleeps in my bed. I can't argue with him because he's 7ft orange cartoon tiger, and if I ask him, even nicely, if I could have the bed he just growls. Sometimes I really hate Tony the Tiger. I have a lot of hate in me."

WILDLIFE ON ONE 3/M
Andrew Sachs narrates the popular series of wildlife documentaries. Tonight, it's pigeons and their filthy habits.
Coco says: "I always... cough Excuse me. I always watch the wildlife programmes for a bit, because they remind me of something I have never had - a life outside captivity. I've only ever swung from cartoon trees and creepers, and I have to wear these clothes, which bring me out in hives underneath my fur. But watching the wild animals makes me depressed after a few minutes, and I get bored and turn over to.."'

GROUND FAUST Q
Hapless gardeners summon Alan Titchmarsh, Charlie Dimmock and the other one in order to bargain away their souls in exchange for a complete garden makeover.
Coco says: "About this time, the couple next door usually start arguing about something, and I have to turn up the sound on my television to drown out the noise. I think he gets angry because she is so clumsy, and is always banging her head on cupboards and doors."

THE BILL S/L/P
Sunhill Police Station is rocked by allegations of corruption, a big wrecking ball and a Queen song.
Coco says:"'I like The Bill. When I watch it, I like to imagine all the people with their skin turned inside-out, talking and stuff like normal. You could see all their muscles and juices, but otherwise it would be like a normal episode of The Bill."

CAN I TOUCH YOUR FACE? E/E/E/E
Shudderingly good sitcom fun, as George Coles plays the ubiquitous shy loner, who is comedically unable to make real friends due to his complete social hopelessness. In this episode, George's character Ron steals a gypsy baby, and tries to look after it in his typical cack-handed manner.
Coco says: "Bath time. I always have a bath three times a week. I scrub very hard, and try to get myself clean, but I never can, so it hardly seems worth it any more. A curious thing: when I get out of the bath, the water has gone brown and my fur looks slightly pale and anaemic. I feel quite weak and have to sit down for a bit, and I can't concentrate on the television without making myself tired."

FILM: THEY STOLE MY KIDS FROM ME, AND I HAVE THROAT CANCER W
This 1994 Made-For-TV Movie tells the story of Laura Ward, an American heiress who became estranged from her husband after she was diagnosed with cancer and went a bit weird. She has to undergo a gruelling course of chemotherapy while fighting a lengthy court-case to win custody of their two children. A woman who looks like Glenn Close (but isn't) plays Laura.
Coco says: "I like these Channel 5 films, because they are exclusive - you can't get them down the video shop near Norfolk Park. And I like them because they usually happen in America, where everything is better. I bet if I lived in America my fur wouldn't be coming out in handfuls and my spit wouldn't have all blood in it."

RED SHOE DIARIES M/N
Lightly dirty series in which David Duchovny does different faces while reading the diaries of his wife, who went with sailors while wearing red shoes. Kate Bush plays his wife, although we never see her.
Coco says: "Erotica-lite is right up my street, because I gave up on real sex years ago. What I did was have sex with a woman and then write down her reactions during the act in my notebook straight afterwards. I still have pages and pages of gasps, grunts and moans catalogued in a little box next to the name of the woman. Eventually, I realised that I was no longer part of the sex act itself, and that I had become an impartial and objective observer. I realised how hollow my encounters with women were becoming, and how I was sick of the endless parade of tawdry conquests. I was physically sick on more than one occasion, as I began to feel like I was rutting with a big pink piece of flesh. Before long I ceased putting myself through this torture. I've kept the lists, but no longer do I perform sex. In fact, [sings] I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Pops."

IBIZA UNCOVERED H/F/E/D
Masses of grey faces dancing. Women in bras on beaches. People enjoying themselves and acting common.
Coco says: "I've made a shopping list. It is:
10 bananas
3 boxes of Coco Pops (large)
2 tins of Tesco Basics Baked Beans
1 loaf of Mother's Pride sliced white bread
1 bottle of SupaValue Bleach
12 bags of Pork Scratchings
Cheese Strings
2 pints semi-skimmed milk
Packet of Custard Creams
I love pork scratchings. Yesterday, I ate five packets in a row and made myself really, really ill with tummy ache."

THE MIDNIGHT HOUR F
Bernard Ingham chairs this late night discussion show, which serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. Tonight's topic of discussion: 'What the hell is wrong with you?'
Coco says: "I usually drift off while this is on, so it's perfect TV when I am tired, which I always am. I like sleeping, because when I am asleep with my little monkey eyes tightly shut, I have dreams. Last night I had a funny dream where I was here in my flat, but then it wasn't my flat it was Castle Market, and I wanted to buy some pegs. But the man behind the stall wouldn't let me, and he kept saying 'No!' and 'It's all your fault!' in a really angry voice. And then he grabbed me and shouted right into my face, but I couldn't move my mouth and tell him to stop. And he was shouting 'It's all your fault! It's all your fault!' over and over again."

OPEN UNIVERSITY V/M
Cretaceous Greenhouse World: Poles Apart, Part 3 of Unit 42A of the Geography Foundation Course
That old 'observational' gag about Open University lecturers having crap beards and bad clothes is completely false nowadays. If anyone bothers watching the programmes at all, they will notice that they are all ultra-modern with very high production values. Sorry Griff.
Coco says: "I'm trying to learn stuff, so that I can better myself and get out of this terrible building. But these programmes are so hard with all the science and stuff. There was one where they showed a grid, like squared paper, but then they dropped a ball on, and it was more like a net. And they said that this was what space looks like. Like I said, it's too hard to do. I watch OU all night, until Jobfinder comes on. I like the words on Jobfinder, but that's not really a perfect evening's TV because it is on about 4.30 am, and that's morning, isn't it?"