FILM: MEET MR. VOLCANO! (1983) P
Family fun as Drew Barrymore and River Phoenix befriend a dormant volcano who turns up in their backyard. As they keep their new pal secret from their drunken parents, they enjoy the best summer of their young lives. But, as autumn approaches and Mr. Volcano starts to rumble and cough, can the cutesome pair learn that all good things come to an end, and that sometimes even your best friends have to leave you, die, or explode?
Flava says: "Ahh, Meet Mr. Volcano! It's my flava-rite film! I know all the dialogues - 'No, Joey - spit out the magma..' - so I don't really need to concentrate and I can do my lampin' in my lap."

NEWS Q/D/S/S/S/S/S
Huw Edwards displays simple-minded awe at the Important Words coming out of his mouth.
Flava says: "You know, I once said that you shouldn't watch TV, you should read a book or something. But you can't find out the news by reading a book, can you? Essential viewing, and it means you won't feel so guilty later."

INSPECTOR HORSE J
Kevin Whatley drags a lovely chestnut mare around the murder scenes of Oxford, shaking his head in confusion as the new Inspector fails to examine the evidence, asks NO penetrating questions of the witnesses and doesn't even seem to realise that anything illegal has happened at all.
Flava says: "I liked it when that dead lady's hat fell off and Inspector Horse ate it."

FILM: HULK WOGAN (1997) F/F/D/S/F/F/D/D
Action-adventure as nation's favourite Terry Wogan (as himself) is bitten by a gay spider - he becomes Hulk Wogan! - swelling to thrice his normal size, a half-wrestler/half-cyborg/half-man/ half-shark/half-alligator hybrid behemoth!  Smashing into Valhalla with his tungsten fists, he vows to wreak revenge on Dead Kenny Everett for bending his microphone one time too many on Blankety Blank. Only George Best can stop him.
Flava says: "Now, 10.00 is usually when Terminator X comes round, wanting his tea. He speaks with his hands, you know! Literally - he's absolutely deaf. He also eats with his hands - fine if we're having hot dogs, disgusting when we've got Noodle Doodles."

YOUNG BUTCHER OF THE YEAR S/D/S
Des O'Connor hosts the fourth annual butching competition for youngsters from the Royal Albert Hall. Will young Ellie Tumbler take the under-3s crown for the third year running? This year, a specially extended 'no tools' round promises bloody slapstick fun.
Flava says: "Whatever is on now I'll probably miss it because this is the time that Chuck phones me up and makes sure I'm safely at home and out of mischief."

TOP TRUMPS A/K
Soapmonkey Sid Owen and royal contraptioneer Sir Clive Sinclair play a stark, edgy round of the classic game of honour in a black box with a see-through table. Guinevere has selected the US Dragster pack.
Flava says: "After me and Terminator have picked our teeth with toombstone chips, my head'll probably start to droop and then I'll notice the time by the clock on my chest - handy, see? And it's time to go to bed, but not before I've wrapped our deaf DJ up in his special eiderdown. 'Night 'night!"