P810 GORILLA 1 810 Mon 25 Jam 18:07/24

WITH SCHINDLER THE O.


 .1/1

"Hi, I'm Schindler from that film, Schindler's List. I loved saving all those lives from the Nazi regime, and I like to think that my list had a little part to play in that. Sadly, though, I think that it was a one-off. I have made many lists since, and none of them seem to have caught the world's imagination. It's not fair! I wish I'd never saved all those lives, after all! The more lives I saved, it seems the more people there are in the world to hurt me! Ignore me - I am a silly old fool. Here is my TV schedule - and see how I avoided describing it as a list!"  
1800 THE LEMON CAROUSEL F/M
Children's TV fun. Jeremy the Lion hops onto the lemon carousel, and is transformed into an onion. Meanwhile, Little Jim tries to paint the world white, using a Tippex sponge.
Schindler says : "Underneath it all, I think Jeremy represents the inner fears we have. As if we could have fears on the outside. God, I am so stupid. Sometimes I wish I would shut my own fat mouth. Bad Schindler!"
1820 SPIKIN' ICONS W/B/B
Early evening experimentalism, as popular parent figures are dosed up to the neck with LSD the strength it used to be in the 60s. This week, Claire Rayner is pumped full of drugs and allowed to present a section in This Morning, as Richard and Judy do odd little dances and then pretend they didn't.
Schindler says : "Drugs are a terrible thing - but so is the fat woman. Imagine then, like the biggest double negative on Earth, how super a fat woman on drugs must be.  Watch her swelling, pudgy eyes! It is truly a joy!"
2100 THEWORLD'S FLAT, AND EYE'LL KILL EWE IF EWES ATE HIS HUNT M/L/L
Cunningly-titled sitcom, set in Julian Theworld's apartment. He shares his apartment with a floating eye, and a cheeky sheep called Susan. The whole premise of the sitcom is the eternal threat hanging over Susan and her cheeky sheep friends; if they eat Julian's hunt, which appears to be a rhyming slang for his cunt, then the floating eye will kill them. The parallel thread, making sense of it all, is that Julian is a fundamentalist member of the Flat Earth Society. Hilarious shenanigans abound tonight, when the Eye sees Susan trying to eat Julian's cunt, and a man in Julian's local insists that the world is, in fact, spherical - and gets killed.
Schindler says : "I am a great fan of cunningl- titled SitComs. I tend to find that I enjoy the titles so much, that I am able to forgive the ugly actors, who appear to have been chosen entirely on the grounds of how sick they might make me feel as I chew my dinner."
2200 ADULT STOP! LIQUID SLICK! D
Actual police footage of buses driving through puddles and splashing people, to trombone-based music. Includes the classic On The Buses footage, where Blakey shakes his fist impotently at the back of the bus. In this, the adult version, the actual splashing footage is used as a visual metaphor for ejaculation, and the rest of the programme is red hot Dutch pornography. 
Schindler says : "This is a wily use of On The Buses footage to fox those stuffy censors. I approve! The hot action is so gripping that you barely notice Blakey's face leering down at you as you reach the vinegar strokes. Hooray!"
2300 THE BRASS CANDLE J/J
Haunting period drama. Sally, the kitchen hand, becomes curious about the whimpering noises in the attic. She discovers the family's secret shame, a hairy child who can communicate only using his mouth. With constant attention, she trains him to eat peanuts from her palm, and pickpocket. Then he dies.
Schindler says : "The poor boy! If he had been mine I would have loved him better. Nothing dirty, mind - I'm not that kind of chap. Although there's nothing wrong with it, shagging hairy children that is, it's just not for me. I'm more of an adult woman kinda guy, know what I mean? Woof!"
2100 THE MADE-UP NEWS WITH BARRY TOOK L
Today, caterpillars used as general anesthetic in minor surgery - the Queen is said to be secretly pleased  - and an udder was ripped off a cow and used as a comedy hat by a drunken stag party. The cow is said to be furious, but who can tell a cow's emotions? She's probably loving it!
Schindler says : "It's about this time of night that I'm usually taking time out to roll around on the floor with my big soppy Alsatian, so I don't really care what's on TV. Something with calming sounds and nice voices, so that my doggy dog dog doggy-doggy-doggy doesn't become enraged."
2130 COME OFF IT T/Y
Carol Vorderman hosts a preposterous show of technological extrapolation, and predicts - with a straight face - that we will be plugging knowledge directly into our brains by the year 2008.
Schindler says: "Ms Vorderman - I honestly believe that she is more robot than woman. So perfect, yet so ruthless and efficient. She is so perfect, sometimes I fear that she is looking back at me from the TV, and knows of my dark desires."  
2225 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY N
With the Archbishop of Canterbury. Rambling for a couple of minutes about being nice to old people, then a quote from The Bible. No nudity.
Schindler breathlessly claps and runs around in little circles.
2230 TITANIUM GOOD VS. DEMON SEED Q/E/R
Late night fucked-up animation. This week, Titanium Good mutates into a city-sized biomass, and is carried by a helicopter into a volcano. Meanwhile, Demon Seed ruptures the earth-harmony by using ancient crystals in discordant conjunction. The only person who can save the world is dead - but can Wing Fat master the mystical runes in time?
Schindler says : "Crazy shit.  I only watch it because it would be racist not to. I saved lots of Jewish people, I did - although sometimes I regret that so many homosexuals slipped through the Nazi net by pretending to be Jews, and getting on my list like that. It's a bit cheeky, isn't it?"
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