Stainless-steel-haired-frump-queen Wendy Richards is Eastenders' second-most-loved female starlet, and has been for many years. Wherever she goes, her name precedes her. And her arse is right behind! Many older viewers will probably remember wanking off with her arse in mind when she played coquettish knickermonger Miss Brahms in Are You Being Served...?, but nowadays her fine, almost Victorian rump is hidden beneath layer after layer of heavy sackcloth, and rarely glimpsed at all as Pauline Fowler trudges around Albert Square. So we approached Wendy's arse and asked it to contribute to "A Perfect Evening's TV..." And - without Wendy's knowledge - it agreed.

LYNCH KENNY D/I
Time-travelling teatime terror as still-living celebrity sidekick Kenny Lynch is catapulted through the ages after blowing a magic whistle, and finds himself in Texas in the 1880s. Pursued by an all-star cast, he must constantly evade the terrible beating and jury-rigged hanging that they're itching to dish out, all the time coming to terms with the chilling revelation that the magic whistle is broken and he can never, ever get back to the 20th century.
Wendy Richards' Arse says: "I've never seen this. To tell the truth, I've not seen many TV programmes, what with being an arse and all. I only catch a glimpse now and again if Wendy bends over whilst facing away from the TV - and even then, she needs to be naked or wearing a short skirt and no knickers. I saw more TV in the 70s, I can tell you. Anyway, I get to hear most of what Wendy watches, and this certainly sounds action-packed. I hope they catch him."

THE KIDS ARE ALIGHT! F/£
Rock opera from 1973 featuring Roger Daltrey as a singing fireman determined to track down a demented paedo-arsonist who's setting fire to the local youth. Features the hit numbers "I Set Fire to You" and "Put That Toddler Out", and the show-stopping "When I Find You (I'll Make You Eat All the Kids You Burned)", all scored by a youthful Jim Steinman.
Wendy Richards' Arse says: "Heaven forfend Wendy should get up and start dancing to this - I get shaken around like a big lardy maracca, banging into the sideboard and all sorts. It's worse than sex, AND THAT'S BAD ENOUGH."

CROSSROADS R
Vintage soap drama as blues pioneer Robert Johnson books in at the motel and conducts a shady deal in his room. David Hunter feels obliged to intervene and is soon engaged in a war with Satan. Also, spiders in the trifle cause headaches for Shughie.
Wendy Richards' Arse says: " couldn't care less, to be honest. Listen, you've got to help me. I'm desperate. I've got Wendy Richards' fish-and-chips shit coming through me twice a fucking day. I don't like being her arse. You can help me out. I've got a plan."

THE SHAGGIN' D.A. F/E/R/F
Peter Falk stars in this 70s made-for-TV movie as a District Attorney who settles all his business the only way he knows how - sexually! Assisted - and sometimes hindered! - by Robert Wagner as the blundering chief of police, The Shaggin' D.A. fucks his way through the New York underworld, until he encounters the one thing he'd never accounted for - love.
Wendy Richards' Arse says: "Okay, listen. Wendy's stools are like big brown buses - you don't see one for ages and then three come along at once. But I control the sphincter muscles, and I can keep them up there for as long as want. Eventually, Wendy will have to be hospitalised, and that's where you come in - arse transplant. Put me on a beautiful young woman. I want to relive the Miss Brahms years. I'll make it worth your while. I have... I have contacts."

THE ALL-NEW NEWS SHOW WITH NEWSY NEWS AND THE NEW NEWSERS M/M/I
Accessible current events flagship with Newsy News the inquisitive bloodhound - he has a nose for news - and his crack team of New Newsers, sniffing out news wherever and whenever it happens. Tonight, events that have happened during the day, including the sad death of the Queen Mother, if it happens, and the toppling of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, if that happens too. Regional horoscopes follow.
Wendy Richards' Arse: Unavailable for comment.

SOME MOTHERS DO 'AVE M.E. Q/5
Harrowing documentary about a group of teenage mothers afflicted by Myalgic Encephalomyelitis who have somehow arranged a day trip to Hunstanton. The camera shares their weariness as they become irritated by their toddling charges, feel too tired to smack them, and then lapse into near-comas that leave them feeling none the better six hours later. The highlight sees one of the sleepy parents fall face first into her baby's pram and roll blindly down the middle of a main road, narrowly avoiding a huge pane of glass being carried across the street by two workmen. Narrated by Tim Brooke-Taylor.
Wendy Richards' Arse says: "I have to apologise. It was shit. It was one of Wendy's shits coming on, they always make me feel that way. I'm okay once they're out, but during the process it's like hell. It's probably a lot like having a period, I like to imagine. I often refer to it as my 'friend' - "I have my friend staying" - if you hear me saying that, it usually means Wendy Richards is about to do a poo. Or else, "It's that time of the day again". Anyway, let's see - the documentary? Oh, that was shit, too."

THE WINDOWMEN B/W/E
Fly-on-the-wall documentary comissioned on the strength of the projected popularity of the two window pane carrying workmen from the 10:00pm documentary. Join Stefan and Ralph each week as they deliver large, perfectly transparent window panes to stores in busy high streets. Tonight, a bicycle race through Oxford City Centre provides the lads with a frustrating challenge as they attempt to deliver an 8' by 12' pane of glass to Waterstone's.
Wendy Richards' Arse says: "I've not been properly wiped, I can tell. It puts you off."

ON SATORI K/R/S
Roly-poly gaylord Christopher Biggins dons his beret once again and invites contestants to experience the blinding flash of the experience of comprehension as described by Japanese Zen Masters and Beatniks alike. "Satori, so goodie!"
Wendy Richards' Arse says: "The thing that bothers me is: if she was hit by a bus tomorrow morning, they'd get her in for the post-mortem and find me dirty. And that would be the defining aspect of her death: Wendy Richards Dies With Dirty Arse. I don't want to be remembered like that. I know I'll never smell of roses, but I demand SOME dignity. I was Miss Brahms' arse... that must count for something."

FILM: DRACULA HAS RUN ME OVER IN HIS CAR (1972) K
Late-night horror starring Christoper Lee as the immortal lord of the vampires, who is stripped of his uncanny powers by a spiteful Ingrid Pitt and is forced to kill his victims by running them over in his Ford Ka. Peter Cushing is the traffic controller determined to end the horror and Bernard Cribbins guest stars as himself playing Lionel Barrymore.
Wendy Richards' Arse says: "I like Peter Cushing, but we need more arses in films, especially horror films. I'm working on a script about some 'bumpires' who can only be killed by a stake in the arse. It's going to have Robert Englund in it. I like to think."

BIRTHS, MARRIAGES AND DEATHS L/A
Announcements of nativity, mortality and matrimony from across the globe see out the day in a comforting style.
Wendy Richards' Arse says: "Where do we go when we die? Into a really nice pair of pants, I hope."