"I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GOD AND HIS LITTLE HELPERS..."

- C. Moulinesque Simmons, DT.

Mr Harper says : "I can do nothing more than recommend you try out my LORD ELLIS, I am afraid. A rugged robust and tenacious three-quarter length bob with a global mission statement to alleviate third-world debt before the end of the next century, this firebrand of a tondeuse will stand proud of your neck-top in most of our Western weathers, but when travelling abroad, oh, Jesus boy, you better be packing some resin!"

PATTERN: 1 pt. love 2 pts. hate Mix 'em up an' down a bit And fuck me over the gate (serves four)

A HAIRCUT HISTORY : "To thee, my son, I endow the title Lord, and this be not by haircut, by length, or by status, merely by the crispy living structure you have agreed to carry about upon your grand head, for all of your life, and God willing for the remainder of mine." The scriptures never lie, my brave customer, and this is one exception. The Lord Ellis is out of fashion in this simplistic age, but how we once cheered and wronged the streets with bunty when Marina Lotion Canister sported a two-ply variant of this same entestimal creation as she collected her BAFTA award for the 1975 wildlife sitcom, "It Ain't 'Alf Lamprey" with Diane Keen and Patsy Rowlands."

PEOPLE TO AVOID : The stupid and bent.

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APPLY : BOX 96 , CHESTERTON , N . A .

"I SEEM TO BE LESS AND LESS PURPOSEFUL IN MY BUSINESS AND SOCIAL DOINGS AS THE YEARS PASS BY..."

- Deathy Coombs, IE.

The Don V. Harper : "This is very common, as are you yourself. The world of today places little import on tiny pissing men at the best of times, but give a fat fuckwit the means to abuse a range of attractively-dressed children, and instant fame (not to mention all the Ready Brek he can eat) is his for the taking. We all can make our fundamental chimney vent forth random cloacal smotherings onto white towelling, but only the professional babyshitter can work them into a weekly column in one of the central-wing broadsheets. And get paid a wanker's salary for the privilege! THE WILTSHIRE CAUCASIAN can solve all that, however. When deploying this bog arrangement, don't forget to chant your own spaced-out version of the razor blades song. For truly, this 'cut is... the best a man can obtain!"

PATTERN: Use the Qualcast striping technique for the back and upper sides, smoothing gently to the floor, a haircut like no other. No gel or pudding. Smooth finish. Lovely.

DOG OF THE WEEK : "Anything with a good shovelling gob on it. You can't be too choosy these days."

"CASUAL RACISM IS NO LONGER PROVIDING ME WITH THE CASH BENEFITS OF TEN YEARS AGO..."

- Loose B. Change, PI.

Harper quoth : "If you funk up with the bees don't be expecting monkey cheese. The Bible contains the words 'you reap what you sow' among many other poofily-worded lies, but that's just the tail end of a whole mass of twatty factions coming at you like some underage women presenting TV chat shows 'after hours', as it were. The root of your problem lies amongst the methy tendrils of your booze jockey self. I can not advise you on legal matters, but the donning of a SHIPPAM'S QUINTESSENTIAL, as modelled here by Lord St. John of Fawsley, will protect your northerly masses against vituperative sex attacks and unwarranted Gold card offers. Be aware of the letter box on your door - through such hellish funnels does sodomy pour."

PATTERN: Avoid cross- pollination, in death as in the meadow. Lobster and lamb are Harvester menu no-gos in the winter. Have a Twix instead!

MR. HARPER ALLEGES : "Admit it, you can never get enough of my shit."

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"I HAVE A SELF-ABUSAL OVERSPILL ON MY LOWER BODY CLOTHING..."

- Pool Clamps, OO.

Harper against flesh : "You could save a lot of money here. Hospitals will remove all hair from your head and body free of charge, but only I and my spindly cohorts can reinstate said dying tendrillous cake with aplomb and total legality. The good old HEADGINA has been for the last thirty or so a marvellous tonic for the downlifted and the fucky underlife. Perversion is of the mind, hair is lust's 18-hour girdle, stretched sometimes to breaking point, but kite-marked all the same. Try and keep the head level, and please don't go all slovenly when Ray Parker Jr. comes in the room. He gets that all the time, and it's wack."

PATTERN: Just tell 'm about the war, kid, the war in your head. Oh God God God man, this will affect alla us.

IN THE EVENT OF LOVE : "Globally mounted, the dog-fucked man regards all but Whoopi Goldberg with suspicion. Pray God my life hasn't been all for this." Bishop Bishop Poulson's emotional address to the audience of the Telly Addicts quarter final had international ramifications only a fool would notice.

EXECUTION WORRIES : "My headsquares will lie unused in the top drawer and funk all musty for years. O God is me."

"I FEEL IMMENSELY LEFT OUT FROM THE CULT OF THE GULPING WOLFBOY..."

- Miracle Misery, YA.

Harper calling : "An ill-disciplined mind will grasp the most formal of haircuts from the inside roots and bash it into reckless submission, so always keep your mind as well-oiled as your locks. It pays to avoid provincial nightclubs, gay ticket lounges and the Shoeburyness Beefeater. If you are a relief worker and cannot avoid these things, however, your best bet is the CUMULATIVE CLASS DIFFERENCE. Be warned - you will be mistaken for any number of cunts. But just wait. Wait until the spring. Then we'll see who's laughing."

PATTERN: Maintain a circular motion at all costs. If some bastard stops you mid-flow, administer a verbal bitch-slapping, in the manner of EPMD's Eric Sermon.

MAINTENANCE FOREVER : The maintenance of a good haircut is like the arse end of a really brilliant baboon. You know that what's concealed beneath is base and horrid and evil, but boy is it shiny. For posh to cold hair, use a good quality vegetable oil and a monging comb just beneath the temples. Southern hair will never be fully trammeled, but Argentinian gold hair can be swept up under the chin into an attractive strapped bonnet. Joey hair is just fine as it is. Heinz Big Hair can be sealed with a tar-based composite, and then removed by local councils for a Christian burial.

DON'T SHIT ME : The first human haircut was received by tearing rather than cutting with specially-honed implements, and this is certainly a tradition not to be forgotten. Ease the myriad tiny head pains with a Seroxat-alcohol compress.

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MR. HARPER WARNS : "Only a fool coughs up booze, sick and drool. Please be as certain as fuck not to perform these vicious encutments while under the influence of coordinatory depressurizing drugs. Particularly due of censure are the alcohols (both grey and black), tannin derivatives, uncircumcised heroin, and crack cocaine, unless it has been blessed by an unordained Catholic priest. I have often been asked my opinion of drugs in barbery, and to these queries I always answer a profound "No", by which I mean "not for you". A professional barber has a duty to use whatever means at his disposal to maintain a happy head during his work, lest he be driven to behead a roguish client through lousy depression. Now if you'll all excuse me, I have a fish's cock of a headache, so I shall have to retire from doleing out hair welfare for the time being. Stay black, and stay hairy. God bless."