A Whisky Child discretely conceals her booze from a predator, forgetting that her breakfast bottle is still sticking out of her eyemouth. That basic error cost this Whisky Child her life.

Behaviours: Whisky Children are a cheerful breed. Affectionate and tactile, they laugh easily as they recognise the absurdity in everyday acts, such as shopping, or going to the toilet.

#299 - Whisky Child! (kinder ebrius)

Whisky Children, like Teflon, are a side product of the Space Race between Russia and the USA. Monkeys sent into space were followed by dogs, but before America would send real adults into space to claim the moon, they decided to send a bunch of really drunk children. They were quickly given a non-human classification after a very rich man decided that he wanted to hunt Whisky Children for sport, and wear their hair.

Number of legs: 2

Physical appearance: Like a normal child, but wobblier.

Size: A rather paltry three feet tall. If you lie under them they look taller, but that’s not real, is it? - and you run the very real risk of them tootling into your mouth.

Habitat: Playgroups, creches and strip joints.

Diet: Whisky Children drink Whisky. Their guts extract the alcohol which is slowly released into the brain, and converts the residue into a grey paste, that is hacked up into bowls and painted onto the body for warmth and decoration.

Identifying Cries: “You can swap this bit of paper for tons of whisky. It's brilliant!” “Every time I relax my bottom, this weird brown stuff flies out! Cool!”

Reproduction: Whisky Children make other Whisky Children by drinking so much Whisky that bubble forms on their nose, and pop into their mouths. This release of mucal fluid excites them into producing a sticky white substance from their winkles, which they put in Whisky and feed to their partner. Two months later the pregnant Whisky Child vomits up its young into a toilet, where they are left to fend for themselves until puberty.

Relationship with man: Whisky Children love humans. They will ferociously defend their host human, although they fall over and roll around if they get excited. Whisky Children are rubbish fighters because they keep loving their opponents.

Piano Games: They can be coerced into a clumsily choreographed game of musical chairs, if you play something they recognise. Whisky Children like Groove Is In The Heart by Dee-Lite most of all, which is a bit hard to play on the piano.

Gaming Use: If you crush a whisky child between two blocks of ice, it will sometimes turn into a letter of the word “EXTRA”. Collect all the letters for a free life.