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THIS PAGE: MISCELLANEOUS CRAPOLA

THIS WAS the original logo and name of The 'Cream, way back in 1998. We're often told how much better the old logo was than the new one, but that's just life, see? Get over it! Things change, and you'd do well to do so yourself.

TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IT WASN'T THAT GOOD REALLY, TO BE HONEST...

YES, THERE are just four Blue Peters left before Christmas, so it's time to dig out TV Cream's annual flameproof tinsel-festooned round-up of festive telly gone by (although we somehow forgot in 2000. Sorry) from Roger De Courcey in a kids' hospital at 9am to Dusty Bin dressed up as Santa Claus and the big movie. It's all here. Of course, it's all commercialised now...

TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS! AT WOOLWORTHS! A CRACKER OF A CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SPREE...

SO - Flambards, Playschool, Chockablock, er, Sadie Tomkins the receptionist in Casualty... but what since? Here are two recent smallscreen incarnations of the divine Carol - a frankly bizarre 'postmodern' program from the reinvented Open University about how to get out of a locked room (and other related topics), and back in that mid-afternoon slot.

TV CREAM immortality rating -
... "DO YOU THINK WE'VE COMMUNICATED THOSE IDEAS?"

Here's the much-requested listing of the Charley Live! public information film video (still available - Network 7951109) which, unlike the re-released Charley Says, is omitted on the box. Buy it now.

1. Basil Brush/Roy North - inflatables are dangerous.
2. Grim reaper - pond danger (scary).
3. Rolf! - "Kids 'n' water!"
4. Play Safe! with Mr. Barraclough and the electric spark.
5. Weird kid on railway thing.
6. Litter Defence Volunteers.
7. "Jerusalem" - street full of litter.
8. Broken bottle on beach.
9. Ted Moult - Foot and Mouth disease.
10. Play safe - kid climbing up substation to get frisbee.
11. David Wilkie - "I just had to pluck courage up."
12. Rabies - "cat show cancelled"
13. More foot and mouth.
14. Play Safe - "These are not telephone wires..."
15. Brian Glover "It's my finger!" - emergency ward etiquette.
16. Little Ern and Glenda J - Give blood. "Let's have our biscuits and tea, Ern!"
17. Stewpot and daughter - don't talk to strangers.
18. Graffiti - ring the police!
19. b/w neighbourhood watch.
20. Football match/car theft Watch out, there's a thief about!
21. Do you know where your lad's going tonight?
22. Punch and Judy strangers
23. Delia Smith - cookery economics (save it!)
24. Central heating economy (save it!)
25. Penny for the guy fireworks - "Where's your child tonight?"
26. TV detector van.
27. Lord Saville - Clunk Click "A car is a box on wheels!"
28. Pertwee SPLINK.
29. b/w lifting heavy loads.
30. Alvin Stardust Green Cross Code "You must be outta your tiny minds!"
31. Ken Dodd - pedestrian crossing.
32. Joe Bugner - Green Cross Code.
33. Jimmy Hill bikes at junctions - Think Bike.
34. Running for buses.
35. Billy Blunders "Ello! Me dandruff's back again!" - wear a seatbelt.
36. Mr. Blunders (as above) woman's head thru windscreen.
37. Mrs. Blunders "Spaghetti with brussels sprouts!"
38. Dad's Army - pelican crossings.
39. Pelican crossing hoedown.
40. Dad's Army 2.
41. Burglary - if it opens - lock it.
42. Pursesnatchers in supermarket.
43. Another one.
44. Lock your bike up!
45. More Saville clunk click.
46. Cross ply and radial tyres!!!
47. Hammer and peach - Eyes and Ears (crossing road).
48. Keep Your Distance.
49. Darkness - wear something light.
50. Les Gray - Green Cross Code.
51. Sam ice cream van safety. "Phew! That was close!"
52. 1971 census - "an army of men and women with light blue satchels."
53. Kevin Keegan - Green Cross Code.
54. Wear a helmet.
55. Policeman - road safety sheriff.
56. Decimal coinage - "The pound stays the same!"
57. General election.
58. '60s right turns in cars. "Be as safe as Don Barker!"
59. Stratford Johns - breathalyser.
60. Drunk driving insurance.
61. "Most of us reckon we can 'andle our motors after a few pints"
62. Fancy a jar? Forget the car.
63. '60s seatbelt habit.
64. The cLASSIC think bike!
65. "Diamonds are for danger!" signs on chemical containers.
66. Kid's parents "And you tell me how they'd explain that to my nan!"
67. Rag and bone man - Keep Your distance!
68. Patsy Rowlands - don't wedge open fire doors "I'll remember you in my will!".
69. Shaw Taylor seatbelt habit. "See ya, clunk-clicker!"
70. Chip pan fire!
71. "Polish a floor and put a rug on it? You might as well set a mantrap!"
72. The DRILL FILM!!!! (matchsticks in socket)
73. Shaw Taylor again "I'm only going round the corner!"
74. Frank Thornton - road testing pedestrians.
75. Snatch of the Day! Football commentators on pickpockets "an outside left!"
76. Ancient traveller's cheques film. "Not more than five pounds in notes! Five! Five pounds!"
77. Get Yourself Seen song!
78. William Woollard - fire in the home (with little model people).
79. Crime Prevention Officer - "suppose you lost your keys. How would you break in?"
80. Dave Prowse Green Cross Code - "That wasn't very clever, was it?"
81. More Prowse. "Green Crosses! Where do you think you're going, dumbo?"
82. Prowse with robot helper!
83. Shaw Taylor and those bloody seatbelts again - in the Tyne Tees area.
84. "A burst pipe!"

Marvellous, but not perfect - you'll notice the Robert Gillespie "director" film, and several major fireworks code films, are absent - but worth owning. Part two is mooted in high places...

TV CREAM immortality rating -
... I WISH... I WISH I DIDN'T KEEP LOSIN' ME BIRDS!

ROYAL WEDDINGS. They're not even trying anymore, are they? So you can imagine our surprise when, at the height of '80s press idiocy, almost (all right, literally) no space was given over to this momentous event. And yes, Rod, Jane and Freddy were in attendance. Donor of document wishes to remain anonymous.

TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SERVICE OF DEDICATION" POSSIBLY NOT PERFORMED BY REV. R CASTLE...

Here come David Jensen & John Peel, complete with turning Quantel cubes and neon-light-shaped numbers, bringing us the all-important chart rundown from 30 to 1. Best viewed with "Yellow Pearl" playing in the background.

Cream Top 30

1. 1 The A-Team /ateam.mp3
2. 1 Banana Splits /banana.mp3
3. 1 Rainbow full version /rainbow.mp3 & rainbow.zip
4. 1 TISWAS /tiswas.mp3 & tiswas.zip
5. 1 Airwolf /airwolf.mp3
6. 1 The Benny Hill Show /bennyhill.mp3
6. 1 Help! It's The Hair Bear Bunch! /hair.mp3
8. 1 Dukes Of Hazzard /dukes.mp3
9. 1 Captain Pugwash /captainpugwash.mp3
10. Bod opening theme /bod.mp3
11. Bagpuss opening theme /bagsoup.mp3
12. Animal Magic /magic.mp3
13. Batman /batman.mp3
14. CHiPS /chips.mp3
15. Monkey /mmagic.mp3
16. Doctor Who original version /drwho.mp3
17. Hong Kong Phooey /phooey.mp3
18. Roobarb /roobarb.mp3
19. The Adventures Of Robinson Crusoe /crusoe.mp3
20. Chorlton & The Wheelies /chorlton.mp3
21. The Adventure Game /adv_game.mp3
22. Jamie And The Magic Torch /jamie.mp3
23. Rentaghost /rentaghost.mp3
24. Magpie /magpie.mp3 & magpie.zip
25. Starsky & Hutch /starsky.mp3
26. The Goodies /goodies.mp3
27. Knight Rider /knight.mp3
28. Battle Of The Planets /Botp1.wav
29. The Fall Guy /fallguy.mp3
30. Grange Hill /grange.mp3

Top 40 Breakers - Camberwick Green...Inspector Gadget...Blue Peter...Terry & June...
Why not get embroiled in a BPI chart-rigging scandal by downloading them now?

RealVideo Top 10

1. Cheggers Plays Pop titles /cheggers.ra
2. Bod episode /bod.ra
3. Abbey Life ad /abbeylif.ra
4. The Red Hand Gang titles /redhand.ra
5. Ludwig titles /ludwig.ra
6. Play Safe PIF /playsafe.ra
7. Dave Prowse Green Cross Code /greenx.ra
8. Get Yourself Seen PIF /getseen.ra
9. Play School titles & clock /clockschool.ra
10 Picture Box titles /pbox.ra

KEY
- up from last chart
- down from last chart
- no change
- new entry

TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE A-TEAM HAS BEEN NUMBER ONE FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS...CAN YOU DOWNLOAD SOMETHING ELSE, PLEASE?...

DIMLY-REMEMBERED stab from the Beeb’s short-lived digital channel (cf LIQUID NEWS) at daily late-night satire (don’t cf THE ELEVEN O’CLOCK SHOW) that managed to stagger on for two series, both hosted by the uberaffable, if hapless, JOHN “QVC” GORDILLO. Regular correspondents sitting behind the desk alongside ver ‘Dillo included John’s mum RITA GORDILLO, wry Honda Civic transforming robot COSMOS ALAN TRANSMUTERZOID and CUTE SOCIALIST. Highlights included, erm, well once they went to the EAST MIDLANDS TODAY studio. And they did a sleepover. Or something. Best thing about it was production assistant JON “FAXOMETER” MORRICE dangling faxes out Television Centre windows and, er, having a bath. Robbie Williams not pictured.

TV CREAM immortality rating -
... IT STOOD FOR RECOMMENDED DAILY ALLOWANCE, SHOULD YOU CARE...

NO WEBSITE is complete without a Goblin Teasmaid. We know that, but do they?

TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THANKS, HELGA. I'LL HAVE THE TEA LATER.

There's nothing quite like knowing the little nomenclatural secrets of the stars, is there? And while we all take daily comfort from knowing that Cilla Black was born Priscilla White, Eric Morcambe was né'd Bartholomew, and of course "My name, is Maurice Blahdy Micklewhite", what about some of those other Cream-era celebs? Wonder no more -

TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SO WHY DID STARR AND DAVRO CHANGE THEIR NAMES, EXACTLY?

TV CREAM immortality rating -
...Y'KNOW, THIS IS THE SORT OF STUFF THAT BRINGS IN THE BULK OF THE PUNTERS THESE DAYS. YOU'D BE SURPRISED...

SUNDAY MORNING kids' TV infiltrated by classic ITV kids' show from two decades before? Some things were just meant to happen. But what about the other ones..?

TV CREAM immortality rating -
... SUNDAY NOW OFFICIALLY NEW TISWAS DAY.

As voted for by the Creamlist (RIP), here are the ten oddest kids shows in Cream memory. Oskar, Kina and the Laser just missed it, alas.

1 Moomins (original cutout capers)
2 The Adventure Game
3 Monkey!
4 Jamie and the Magic Torch
5 Tales from Fat Tulip's Garden
=6 Pob's Programme
=6 The Clangers
8 Wattoo Wattoo : Superbird
=10 Chorlton and the Wheelies
=10 Ludwig

TV CREAM immortality rating -
... WOT, NO OSCAR THE RABBIT?