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WITCHES, WEREWOLVES, WIZARDS, WARLOCKS AND... THINGS
"Nunc ibiemus lucem!"
Whilst we are as much a sucker for listening to a good ghost story whilst sitting around the Creamguide (Films) fireplace, watching the flames lick around the coal effect hearth, sipping our Tio Pepe, stroking Gizmo the Filmguide cat and smoking a reflective cheroot as anyone, we are none to interested in such supernatural bobbins when it rears it's cliché-ridden wart-covered nose around the corner of the big curtains down the local ABC. Unfortunately a combination of there being on the one hand just so many such films in the canon of creepy and similar and on the other no other subjects we could think of offhand starting with W, this week we shall cast a weary eye over the fantasy film, both fantastic and foul.
To take each of the above categories one by one it seems natural to start with the titles eponymous to each. So we might as well begin with a goodie and assert that, while it might not be one for the midnight show at the fleapit, THE WITCHES is none too bad at all. We are of course in the first instance referring here to the Roald Dahl adaptation starring Bill `Denniston Stour Bomb' Patterson, Mai `Scrubbers' Zetterling and Anjelica `The Dead' Huston and directed by Laughing Nicholas Roeg in which a plot is thwarted to turn all children into mice. However, the title does strike it lucky twice as it also denotes a Hammer number from 1966 starring the likes of Michelle `Frank!' Dotrice and Leonard `Le Petomane' Rossiter where witchcraft is found being practiced in a (apparently) charming little village by schoolmistress Joan Fontaine. Scripted by Nigel `Quatermass' Kneale it's not quite amongst that studio's top brass but several light years more entertaining than the bloody awful TEEN WITCH which we recall hardly anything about other than it featured Zelda `this house is clean' Rubinstein in a film which you don't need a knowledge of the paranormal to divine was cobblers.
Other witchy sort of films include the rather more successful THE WITCHED OF EASTWICK in which Jack Nicholson beds Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffermenowitz against a backing of absolutely no plot – but with ha-hilarious results! – and WITCHCRAFT is a none-too-shabby British effort on the part of Lon Chaney Jr as a member of a family of witches who set about their enemies. Other films just with witches in include numbers as diverse as BEDKNOBS AND BROOMSTICKS, the decidedly B-list Disney feature with Angela Lansbury and its only saving grace David `plantations of ripening teeeeeeeeeea' Tomlinson, the slightly better Disney effort THE THREE LIVES OF THOMASINA (although she's not really a witch in the end, but it's a nice film anyway) and the rather better WILLOW which has possibly the most bizarre (yet brilliant) casting for a Hollywood film ever when George Lucas inexplicably made an inspired decision and handed the dressing room star to Patricia `inebriate' Hayes as the goody witch Thin Rizell. Now *that's* a casting meeting we'd have liked to sit in on ("so guys we're down to Jobeth Williams from Poltergeist, Jessica Tandy from The Birds and, erm, some drunk bag lady"). Of course there is also (and skating way, way out on that conceptual thin ice here) bloody awful Halloween sequel SEASON OF THE WITCH in which crappy horror film supremo Dan O'Herlihy stars as a deranged toy company owner determined to sacrifice millions of children to the Blue Stone from Stonehenge (which nobody seems to have noticed he's lifted, presumably with help). Best in show however remains the glorious WITCHFINDER GENERAL, the Top 100 Tigon masterpiece and the only genuinely scary film mentioned so far.
Moving swiftly on to our next caste of fairy tale cobblers and it's werewolves. Perhaps it is the rather more bloodthirsty subject matter that inspires film makers who actually know what they're doing but the quality level for this furry purveyors of mayhem and such is markedly higher than for their cackling compatriots. To kick us off is probably the first of its kind: THE WEREWOLF from 1913. More famous is probably THE WOLF MAN from 1941 and starring Lon Chaney Jr as the lupine loon (we're on a piece rate for alliteration this week) and also starring other black and white horror stalwarts Claude `failed and went to America' Raines and Bela `fuck you!' Lugosi. Equally famous (although we suspect hardly anyone has ever seen it) is I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF which starred God-botherer Michael `Highway to Heaven' Landon as yer actual wolfman. From there to THE WEREWOLF again but this time it's 1956 and instead of the werewolf being summoned by savage Red Indians as in 1913 this time it's nuclear radiation that causes the mutation in a handy cinema- portraying-changing-trends-and reflecting-contemporary-fears-in- society kinda way.
Straying onto more familiar ground we reach the quality shores of Hammer once more and their relatively early horror effort THE CURSE OF THE WEREWOLF from 1961. Oliver Ginandorange is the monster this time around although he doesn't exactly change overnight but rather over the course of several rather uncomfortable years in the jails of Clifford Evans. And who wouldn't? By 1975 we've moved on to Tyburn and THE LEGEND OF THE WEREWOLF starring Peter `carpet slippers' Cushing but also a cast that doesn't leap to the front of one's mind at the mention of the word `horror'; David `Dr Finlay' Rintoul, Ron `pick a pocket or two' Moody, Hugh `a double brandy and a pint for my Oscar, please' Griffith, Renee `St Trinian's' Houston and Roy `dedication' Castle. We sometimes wonder why it is that for a brief moment the whole werewolf thing seemed to decamp to Blighty all of a sudden but, before you know it, it's back in the hands of those damn Yankees again with the crappy SILVER BULLET, the not so bad THE HOWLING before the best-so-far AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON came along in 1981. Of course, along the way there had been the odd but welcome diversion TEEN WOLF with Michael J in full hormonal flow. Now, we still maintain we recall seeing the Hanna- Barbera Teen Wolf cartoon back in the '80s, but as far as we can tell it was never shown in this country. Can anyone shed any light here? And no, we're not getting it mixed up with Fangface. Anyone? Latterly of course there was DOG SOLDIERS which attempted to wrest the whole thing back to Britain and away from those who would make more rubbish like further Jack Nicholson pap WOLF. We liked Dog Soldiers a lot but it didn't go down too well which might mean the end for the werewolf feature for some time to come. Which is only another reason to like it, in our opinion.
Lastly we have yer actual wizards and warlocks. To be quite frank we don't know any better than anyone else what the difference between a wizard and a warlock is but it seems to be something to do with the quality of films listed under each name. For example, for wizard you get THE WIZARD OF OZ which is one of the best films ever made. For warlocks you get, well, WARLOCK which is unutterable tosh (although perversely WARLOCK II – THE ARMAGEDDON is much better). Staying with wizards though there are a whole raft of films of suitably varying degrees of quality. After the abovementioned Oz comes of course the worrying spin-offs RETURN TO OZ, which is rather dark, a bit disappointing but stars Nicol Williams and is therefore worth watching, but also THE WIZ with Diana Ross, Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor which is shit. Speaking of the pleasingly crackers Nicol, there is always his show-stopping turn in BLOODY EXCALIBUR (our profanity) which is without a doubt the only thing worth looking at in what is otherwise a monstrously bad film from people who ought to have known better.
Speaking of rubbish, WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM springs to mind as one entry in the realm of fantasy films which should have barred at an early stage. Starring the suitably nondescript Bo Svenson as the hero we recall hiring this from Azad Video and being bitterly disappointed in it. It taught us at least that you should never judge a video by its cover. In this same category we also remember hiring out a promising title under the name THE WIZARDS OF SPEED AND TIME which sounded ace, conjuring up all sorts of children's programme Dr WHO-like scenarios. Unfortunately the speed and time references were a tie-in to the main character's profession of film editing, which – although all right in it's way – didn't really live up to our expectations. There are of course loads of other films with wizards in them, none of which we have the time or inclination to list here, so we'll finish off with the very best of them all, that being Sir Rich Ralphardson as Ulrich in the epically brilliant DRAGONSLAYER. We reckon there's more than a little Ulrich in Sir Ian McKellen's recent Gandalf (insert your own pun if you must) and if there isn't there ought to have been since this portrayal of a dotty, weak old man harbouring tremendous elemental powers is just as perfect as anyone endeavouring to act out that particular character description is going to get.
Gandalf's recent popularity amongst people who can't read books will no doubt mean that a whole spate of films featuring conjurers and sorcerers and similar will be heading our way in the not too distant future. We already have Harry Bloody Potter to contend with and the forthcoming Chronicles of Narnia films which will of course feature the White Witch getting all wintry on yo' ass. In the meantime we'll continue to avoid the supernatural dross, which is most of it, and stick with the limited quality product we know and love.
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