A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO ASSEMBLING THE PERFECT TV CREAM FILM

5 - THE CAMEO

Right, so... we've got the production credits, we've got the animated titles, we've got the natty intro and we've got the basis of a plot. Next up is an often vital ingredient that many films choose to employ and which we feel they, in so doing, rise or fall by; that one tricksy element that if handled well can shunt an otherwise juddering locomotive of a feature, previously stuck amongst the rusty-rails-with-crab-grass-between-them of failure, into sleek Bullet Train paradise - or vice versa, even: the cameo.

The most famous and persistent cameo wallah is of course Alfred Hitchcock who liked to insinuate himself into all his features wherever possible, and being the director that was possible pretty much all the time. Thing is, as one of the most recognisable people on the planet he couldn't exactly hang around in the background, like Jonathan Lynn hanging around the courtroom in MY COUSIN VINNIE, unnoticed by everyone except his family and the people sitting next to him in the pictures at the time. Nor was there any excuse for his being made up and placed into the action in (almost) unrecognisable fashion like Peter Jackson in THE RETURN OF THE KING. Nor would he want to be, quite honestly. You get the feeling that when Hitch just misses getting on that bus in the opening stages of NORTH BY NORTHWEST he would have preferred to do so carrying a big sign saying 'I'm Alfred Hitchcock, I directed this film and I'm great I am' if there had been a piece of card and some big markers handy at the time. In any case the director cameo doesn't really count 'cos it's just a big in-joke that excludes the majority of the audience and isn't there for the benefit of the general viewing public at all. And we realise we've got a nerve criticising anyone for employing in-jokes in a cack handed manner, but there it is.

In the B column there's the retrospective cameo as well, that is, faces who only latterly became famous but were simply making up the numbers at the time. So Mike Reid doing his thing in STEPTOE AND SON might be worth a giggle now in a 'Blimey there's Frank Butcher!' style but at the time he was just doing what he actually did seven nights a week (if he was lucky) anyway. Similarly the tutored eye can pick out Oliver Reed in the first Parisian café scene in THE REBEL which is quite cute now but was no great shakes then. You'll still get people who insist that these really are cameos though, as if any struggling actor getting two minutes of screen time on TAGGART or THE BILL is actually engaged in some sort of uber-sly cameotic capacity, which would probably the contemporary equivalent, but that's just cobblers.

Proper cameos are those that allow the collective eyebrow of the audience to be raised as one and generate that nice 'Oooooh, look who it is' ripple that moves through a picture hall every now and then. One of the best examples is Merv Griffin as the elevator killer in THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS. Granted it probably wouldn't have made much of an impression on the audience at the ABC Muirend - despite Steve Martin saying, 'Merv Griffin!' - probably since even we weren't sure what Merv Griffin actually did until that episode of Seinfeld. But once you do know, it's actually quite a good one. Another nice cameo point in the Steve Martin canon comes in THE JERK when the special glasses Steve invents (and we're trousered if we can remember the name of them) are publicly denounced as a health risk by none other than Carl Reiner in full on comedy boss-eye mode. But then he was the director so, as we say, that doesn't count.

Another problem with those last two is precisely that they were appended with someone off-screen saying, 'Carl Reiner says.' or similar, which defeats the purpose. Much better to let the audience work it out for themselves as in Gene Hackman's brilliant turn in YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN which benefits from his being pretty much the last person you'd have expected to see praying for company at that point. We'd be struggling to think of a better cameo than that majestic "I was going to make espresso" performance but it does at least raise the question of how long a cameo runs before it actually becomes a proper performance. At this point we have to mention once again AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS (as much to shoehorn it in pointlessly and maintain some sort of feeble continuity in all this as to illustrate a point) since that film is pretty much entirely comprised of cameos covering the entire celebrity waterfront from Noel Coward and Charles Boyer to Finlay Currie and Frank Sinatra none of whom are on screen for any more than about five minutes. But when every other face is a cameo then that hardly counts, does it? On the other hand another film which is also mostly comprised of cameo cabaret is THE BLUES BROTHERS and while the likes of Aretha Franklin and Ray Charles are technically supposed to be cameo parts they aren't really since they're all pretty integral to the plot. In fact the only proper cameo in that one is Steven Spielberg who plays the miniscule part of the clerk who takes the cash in the Cook County Assessor's office at the very end. That certainly qualifies in the strictest sense of the term but he doesn't do much or add anything to the whole and only Columbo junkies really knew what he looked like back then anyway. So not quite good enough.

More effective are those cameo appearances by people from outside of films who turn up inside of films to add a touch of reality and/or credibility to proceedings. The best of these include Malcolm Muggeridge hitching up in a telly studio to chair a debate between the warring parties in I'M ALRIGHT JACK. What's particularly nice about that one is there being no need to explain who Muggers is since at the time he was one of the most famous men in the country. Equally effective is the appearance of Ludo Kennedy as a current affairs reporter in the closing stages of HEAVEN'S ABOVE! when he comes to Orbiston Parva to do a piece for the telly on the trouble brewing over Pete Sellers' Brummie parson and his food giveaway scheme. It's not usually a good idea to introduce someone so well known from another medium into the fairy world of pictures but it works really well in both these cases especially since neither Ludo or Muggers can really conceal their delight at being included at all. Must have been a bit of a fillip to the ego all round right enough.

Keeping with features from the old country, an example of someone doing what they do in real life but adding nothing in the process is to be seen in the stupid United Nations scene at the end of useless Handmade picture WATER when George Harrison and Ringo Starr hitch up to provide backing for the crappy musical number fronted up by Billy Connolly. It's just pointless, not to mention embarrassing. Least said really. On the other hand, and staying with handmade for a moment, TIME BANDITS might have featured several great cameos from the likes of John Cleese and especially Michael Palin but the best comes from Sir Rich Ralphardson who probably fulfilled a lifelong ambition in getting to play God completely as himself; i.e. bonkers. Sean Connery may well have put in the most high profile fleeting appearance but the GOM gets the best turn by far and actually enhances the film by giving it such a great ending. A most tiresome manifestation? Heavens no!

Big stars don't often manage the best cameos to be honest, especially not these days as they no doubt have far more to lose by associating their hard won credibility through taking part in what may well turn out to be hoary old bobbins (and especially with the likes of 'Pato Banton featuring Sting' ringing in their ears) but not that long ago the hugely famous didn't really care, especially if they were getting on a bit and needed fag money, hence Orson Welles and his late entry to the action in THE MUPPET MOVIE in which he not only gets to be pretty much the focus of the climax of the film but also gets the fantastic line of, "send me in a standard Rich and Famous contract please." Peter Cook also managed to claim a slice of cameo greatness in THE PRINCESS BRIDE as the archbishop performing the marriage ceremony to such great effect that even though he is on screen for about thirty seconds and says not much more than, "mawwaige!" he is not only one of the most memorable things about the movie but he's always prominently displayed in the trailers and ads for it. Which is not bad going when you think about it.

But the best kind of cameo in our opinion is the 'surprising and unexpected appearance' and here we're going to have to further reinforce the notion that we've actually only ever seen about four films by once again referring to BACK TO SCHOOL. Specifically we're talking about the moment when Rodney Dangerfield's son says that his dad has a big paper to write on Kurt Vonnegut and he needs to get on with it only for him to answer the door to yer actual Vonnegut wearing an attractive tweed cap and looking remarkably like Droopy who speaks the classic cameo line, "Hello, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. Is Thornton Melon in?" We especially like that since we once saw a South Bank Show on Gore Vidal who was filmed meeting up with his big mate Vonnegut who told Gore about his role only for Vidal to tell him that he'd turned it down.

So essentially what we're seeking is a cameo appearance by someone famous, performing their own function outside of films whose time on screen is pretty short but just long enough for them to make a nice turn within the plot - preferably a happy conclusion - and whose appearance is alluded to just prior to that appearance allowing for a comical double take by whoever opens the door to them. We'll leave Nat Cohen to mull over that then, 'cos we're buggered if we can think of one. Not easy this film lark, is it?

Yes, very clever, Alfie. Lucky car insurance ads weren't around in his day, we suppose.

Quality cameoing that doesn't draw attention to itself - Gene Hackman in Young Frankenstein.

"Mawwiage!" Cookie's blink-long bonanza,

"You expected me to be John Gielgud, didn't you?" Sir Rich goes from bedsit to deity. "Such range!"

Whatever you think of the film, this bit never disappoints.