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Carry On Films
"Where we keep all the scrubbers!"
We're always bandying about 'best ever' Carry Ons round the Creamguide office, but which one really is the best? To settle the matter once and for all and no returns, we've decided to rank the rank stupidity scientifically, using twenty categories for various aspects of the Ons, ten good and ten bad, with a points system. The rule is one point for every time a film's mentioned in each category, and three to the outright winner of each. Points for the 'worst' categories will be deducted.
DEFINITION:
A Carry On film will be taken to mean any film produced
by Peter Rogers for the Anglo-Amalgamated, Rank or (at a push)
Danton film companies containing the phrase 'Carry On' in the title
by which it is primarily known in the United Kingdom. Thus it does
not include such films as Watch Your Stern! (aka Carry On Admiral),
silent short Carry On! With Moore Marriott, Jewel and Warriss comedy
What a Carry On!, Carry It On (a Joan Baez concert film), or Carry
On Columbus or that forever-postponed new one with Brian Conley. That'd be too easy.
BEST PETER BUTTERWORTH ROLE
Let's start with, for our money, the real King of the Carry Ons.
Never mind Sid, Wor Pete's the man when it comes to lifting an
otherwise mediocre Carry On out of the doldrums, or perfectly
complementing a good one with a suitably bumbling role. He's forever
out of place amongst the Kens and the Bernies, yet somehow
simultaneously right at home. From his ace turn in COWBOY onwards,
it became increasingly difficult to stomach an On without him. Every
film that features him therefore deserves a point (even ENGLAND) but
special mention should go to KHYBER for "strawberry mooooouusse!" -
he's not in it much, but he turns in a master class of mugging - and
the hotel proprietor of ABROAD, unknowingly insulting guests ('Mr
Farkyharse!') Just pipping them, however, is the great Constable
Slobotham in SCREAMING. 'We're police officers!' 'Or layabouts!'
BEST CHARLES HAWTREY CHARACTER NAME
Our second favourite regular, and as we can't separate the roles
from each other (Hawtrey always plays Hawtrey) we'll go by the
bizarre names they used to give his characters. Step forward Gabriel
Dimple (REGARDLESS), Pintpot (CABBY), Dr Stoppidge (AGAIN DOCTOR),
Eustace Tuttle (ABROAD) and, best of all, Dan Dann the Sanitary Man
(SCREAMING), which even became a talking point for the rest of the
cast.
BEST KENNETH WILLIAMS 'OUT OF CHARACTER' MOMENT
An imperial phase On without a bit where Ken lapses out of his
already ramshackle character to deliver a line in his
Hancock 'Snide' voice doesn't bear thinking about. CLEO was the
first - never mind infamy, we love 'Friends,
Romans…' 'Countrymen.' 'I KNOW!' Other Snide gems include
CONVENIENCE ('I've heard that shellfish do very strange things... in
a sex way.' 'Really? Ooh, let's watch 'em for a bit, then!') and,
taking the prize, KHYBER, which not only ends the film on that
magnificent 'Oooh, I dunno, though!' but has the following timeless
exchange with Angela Douglas - 'They will die the death of a
thousand cuts!' 'That's horrible!' 'Nonsense, child… the British are
used to cuts!'
BEST MARIANNE STONE ROLE
Inevitable, really. The strength of an On derives, we feel, from the
use it gets out of its bit-parters as much as the main cast. Mrs
Parker in SCREAMING, the contrary old crone in DICK, the landlady in
HEAD ('I've just called temps!') and the council sec in GIRLS are
all fun. CONVENIENCE wins here though, as she gets the most screen
time as Jacki Piper's mate Maud.
BEST STAR CAMEO
It's a tricky thing to do, coming to an established series and
making your mark on it without looking out of place. Bob Monkhouse
had it easy in SERGEANT, as there wasn't a precedent, but what of
later guests? Short roles pay dividends, like Stanley Unwin in
REGARDLESS, or Bill Maynard's daft Guy Fawkes in HENRY. Frankie
Howerd's as good in DOCTOR as he wasn't in JUNGLE. Of the 'guest
lead roles', both Kenneth Cope in CONVENIENCE and Amanda Barrie in
CLEO acquit themselves well, but for all-round genius in handling a
potentially disastrous main part, the award must go to Harry H
Corbett's perfect turn in SCREAMING. It's like he's been doing them
all his life!
BEST ALL-ROUND PERFORMANCE
Well, this'll be a short category. Amidst all the shouting and eye
rolling, did anyone actually turn in a thoughtful performance in an
On? Monkhouse was quite good in SERGEANT's romantic lead role, and
Kenneth Connor was OK in that same film, but you really can't beat
Hattie Jacques' sensitive portrayal of Peg in CABBY - spurned by a
thoughtless Sid one minute, in charge of a cab firm as the sultry
Miss Glam the next - she even has pangs of conscience about her
revenge scheme. Conscience! In a Carry On! Give that woman a medal.
We've always had a soft spot for her neglected Floella in ABROAD,
too.
BEST ALTERNATIVE TITLE
You know, the comedy titles they used to stick up at the start
alongside the Larry cartoons. Let's hear it for - ABROAD (or What a
Package!), HENRY (or Mind My Chopper!), JUNGLE (or Show Me Your
Water Hole and I'll Show You Mine), MATRON (or The Preggers Opera)
and, our favourite, LOVING (or It's Just One Thing on Top of
Another).
CARRY ON THAT LOOKS MOST LIKE A 'PROPER' FILM
It may be largely superfluous, but a bit of imagination and style
from the backroom boys never goes amiss. Every black and white On
immediately gets a point here, and KHYBER, CRUISING and CLEO have a
lush Technicolor feel to them too. Best of all, though, for
observation of the films they're pastiching, has to be SCREAMING.
Costumes, sets, lighting - someone's made an effort here, and it all
adds to the glorious whole.
BEST 'THE GANG'S ALL HERE' ENDING
The Carry On team are a gang after all, and nothing's more
heartwarming than a finale where they all pitch in together. Again,
the early Norman Hudis films are big on this - SERGEANT's 'let's
make Hartnell proud of us' bit, ditto CRUISING's Chop Suey moment
and CABBY's crook-catching capers - some find them mawkish, we have
to say we don't. Of the later ones, there's the bit in ABROAD where
the entire cast turn up at Sid's pub apropos nothing, which is
always great, and best of all the works outing in CONVENIENCE, which
isn't quite at the end admittedly, but seeing Hawtrey, Williams,
Sims et al. romping half-cut (probably literally, in a few cases)
down the pier is a lovely sight to silence even the most
hardened "it's all just knockers and swanee whistles" critic.
BEST ALL-ROUND 'BIT OF BUSINESS' SET PIECE
Those little vignettes that are great little comic scenes in their
own right, that's what we're on about here. The montage detailing
the rise of Glamcabs in CABBY, and the similar one showing the
ailing fortunes of Hartnell's platoon (complete with graph!) in
SERGEANT. Jim Dale's famed trolley stunt in AGAIN DOCTOR came close
to nabbing it, but our winner has to be Peter Butterworth's melting
switchboard in ABROAD ('Putting you through to room servicings!').
Crossed lines, double entendres about drawers, something blowing up
*and* Butterworth going red in the face - what more could you want?
And ABROAD gets an extra point for the final hotel collapse too.
MOST TEDIOUS SID 'N' BABS SCENE
And so to the minus points. We're convinced a certain East End
family must have something to do with Sid and Babs becoming the
signifier of the Carry Ons, as God, they're bloody boring. Compare,
say, Sid and Hattie's front room duels in CONVENIENCE with the
dreary lewdness of HENRY's 'melon scene'. The clandestine trysts of
GIRLS and ABROAD are royal pains, but we reckon, for more or less
starting off the whole tedious business, CAMPING takes the
biscuit. 'Meet me outside the tent at nine o'clock tonight!' No
chuffing thanks.
MOST GRATUITOUS USE OF JACK DOUGLAS
Nothing against the man, you understand, but, aside from his Duke of
Earl-shirted turn in BEHIND, what does he get to do apart from
his 'gerroff!' twitch? GIRLS is a fair example of this unimaginative
casting, and he really shouldn't be in ENGLAND at all (mind you, who
should?) Most annoying though, and it pains us to admit it, is his
presence in ABROAD, in which he just turns up at the start and end
sequences in Sid's pub, purely in order to get beer all over
him. 'NyeeeeeEEEH!'
MOST IMPOVERISHED CAST
What was the idea with JACK, exactly? The series had just found its
feet, and then - Williams, Hawtrey, yes, fine, but Cribbins? Mills?
Cargill? Inigo Pipkin? Still, at least they were top character
actors filling out the cast. Later on, EMMANNUELLE had Suzanne
Danielle to suffer. Worst of all, natch, was ENGLAND. Butterworth
notwithstanding, it's hopeless. Windsor Davies we can just about
stomach, but Patrick Mower can piss right off. And Peter Jones looks
positively pained. A profoundly unpleasant experience all round.
WORST STAR CAMEO
This generally goes hand-in-hand with the above, so we must nominate
Mower in ENGLAND and, much as we love him, Cribbins is all wrong in
JACK. But strong Ons can still turn in a rotten 'un, and, again with
the best will in the world, who the hell cast mild-mannered Roy
Castle as an army captain in KHYBER? Still, we know what the worst,
most pointless, opportunistic cameo in the whole series is. Yep,
Phil Silvers reading his lines off idiot boards in CAMEL. A
travesty.
SHODDIEST LOOKING CARRY ON
We know the money dried up towards the end, but that's no excuse for
the murky sludge of DICK, the half-arsed period trappings of HENRY,
or the palpably studio-bound JUNGLE. The award once again goes to
the useless ENGLAND, not least because you keep having to remind
yourself it's supposed to be set in 1940.
WORST ACCENT
Bernard Bresslaw, being a big bloke, always seemed to draw the short
straw in the likes of CAMEL and KHYBER. Not his fault. Sid's upper
crust simper in HEAD is just sinister. Practically the entire cast
fail to come up with anything approaching a convincing American
accent in COWBOY. Worst of all, however, is Suzanne Danielle's
annoying French simper in EMMANNUELLE. 'Loins!' Ho ho!
LEAST DIGNIFIED PERFORMANCE
Hmm. Kenny's bare arse in EMMANNUELLE seemed a shoo-in for this
category, but now we're not so sure. After all, you've got Bresslaw
in a similar state in DICK, and everyone who even went within a
hundred yards of the ENGLAND set. You could argue that Hawtrey's
late period turns were hardly the epitome of gravitas, but they
were, importantly, fun to watch. Oh, sod it, EMMANNUELLE it is.
MOST ANNOYING JIM DALE 'ROMANTIC LEAD' ROLE
We've got a love-hate relationship with the Dalemeister. He wrote
the theme to Georgy Girl, let us not forget, and he runs Michael
Crawford a close second in the 'performing own stunts' stakes. But
romantic leads, Monkhouse aside, are seldom welcome in Carry Ons, so
why do they keep putting them in? Dale's last proper On, AGAIN
DOCTOR, is a prime example, though it does of course have the
trolley stunt, so honours go to CAMEL, with that bloody dull Angela
Douglas business. The first time Dale's presence signalled a drop in
comedy, this one, and in such a hopeless film that's saying
something.
MOST OVEREXPOSED 'LAUGH WITH THE CARRY ONS' MOMENT
Let's not beat about the bush with this one. The average Briton will
spend an estimated 2˝ hours of their life watching clips of Kenneth
Williams going 'Matron, take them away!' Babs Windsor will spend
approximately 2˝ years of hers talking about it on chat shows.
CAMPING it is.
CARRY ON WITH LEAST REASON TO EXIST IN GENERAL
No shortage of nominees here. CAMEL was a stupid idea from the off.
AGAIN DOCTOR and MATRON wrung the last drops out of an already spent
hospital format. HENRY and DICK were useless postscripts to the
golden era of the 'historicals'. But worst of all, beating even
EMMANNUELLE, is… yep, ENGLAND again. There was simply *no need*.
RESULTS SERVICE
Ooh, there are plenty of people who aren't going to like these
results, but we reckon they're as fair and balanced as a hastily-
written filler article in a weekly email despatch can be. So, the
all-time bottom five first, all with more going against them than
for them - JACK's on -1, the overexposed CAMPING's on -6,
EMMANNUELLE shares joint second-worst spot with the US-pitched CAMEL
on -7, while languishing way, way down there with -10 is your worst
Carry On and ours, the truly wretched ENGLAND.
Now to the top of the chart, and here's where the Angry Letters On the Email Please will come flooding in. In fifth place, neglected by many but loved by us, is collapsing Butterworth-fest ABROAD with five points. Just ahead is the charming original, SERGEANT - the Monkhouse masterclass sits pretty on a well-earned 6. Then comes the best of the old school Ons, the one we'd had a sly each-way on before the voting - it's the utterly lovable CABBY, with a steady 7. In second place comes the film that's become something of a talisman, in that it's often dismissed as a crap late period effort but loads of people really love it - good natured toilet gags and betting budgies with CONVENIENCE on a decidedly sanitary 9. Regular readers will know the overall winner by now, and we must say it wasn't a surprise that the combination of Harry H, Fenella, some lovely craftsmanship and a totally pissed Charles Hawtrey means SCREAMING is well and truly frying tonight with a whopping 12 points.
So there you go. Where the hell were CLEO and KHYBER? Floating around the top ten with LOVING and REGARDLESS actually, and despite the fact we love both films, we reckon there is a lot of slack in them. For every 'evening, cock' and Tiffin scene there's a load of old rubbish with Kenneth Connor's inventions or Roy Castle's kilt. Anyway, there it is, done - a definitive scientific determination of the Carry On pecking order - that's Movie! Movie!
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